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When Jack came down from the Beanstalk, apparently he lived happily ever after.
But is that entirely correct? Surely he went through as much hair-pulling angst as I did yesterday as to how to cook his Golden Egg (if only to shut the fucking thing up).
Yesterday, Funjunkie readers voted in their 3s and 4s that I prepare my dinner using a hairdryer.
Luckily for you, neither the prospect of salmonella poisoning, alienation from the girlfriend, nor the possibility of going to bed without any food could put me off the project.
The eggs must be cooked using a jet of hot air only!
So, yesterday I asked you lot how I should prepare my most enjoyfully anticipated Goose eggs. It seems I made a mistake in telling you that the most popular method would be employed by me, for my dinner.
You all voted that I should cook them with a hair dryer. You bunch of bastards.
Still, not one to welch out on a deal, I retreated back to my evil fortress in the mountains ready to take on this challenge. My excitement had only dissipated by a factor of twelve thousand, but I was still looking forward to eggs and beans on toast.
The first task was one of the most difficult. How to get a hairdryer when I lived with close-cropped blokes only. Luckily, only 2 of them were mortally offended by the implication that by me asking whether or not they had a hairdryer, that they spent entire hours each day preening themselves in front of the mirror. They've asked me to tell you that this is not the case, and in all fairness I can honestly say they don't spend more than 4 hours everyday doing their hair.
So anyway, I was hairdryer-less and frantic. There was only one more thing I could do before I took to using a hot iron instead. I phoned my girlfriend.
Now whether or not she's ever going to look at me in the same light ("I want to borrow your hair dryer," "Why?" "erm... I need to cook an egg.") is not up for question - the fact that she lent me her very fine device is testament to the love and hesitant trust that she affords me. I left her house with the distinct feeling that as soon as I got back in my car, she was on the phone to the council, getting them to send the requisite papers for incarceration the very next day.
No matter! At this point I have over 13 hours until my placement into a home *and* I have a hairdryer! Hooray!
Now the serious work can begin.
As you can see, I surrounded myself with the scientific equipment necessary for the task ahead:
p.s. click on the images to enlarge...
Forget the Turin Shroud - what are the odds on a
goose laying The Domokun Egg?!
Heinz Beans. There are 57 varieties in there
you know.
Bond carries a Walther PPK.
I find the narrow-bore Vidal Sassoon vx456
to be much more deadly at close range.
I have a feeling we're going
to need this.
and the final ingredient necessary, my evil science boffin, Chris, here modelling our control egg laid by a chicken - they're sooooo last year:
Yessss Masssterrrrrr...
And so begins the procedure. Even at the start of the project I was absolutely ravenous, so at this point I had more than merely my reputation at stake - my very life was on the line. The realisation that I could die of hunger at any point did wonders to bolster my determination to see the project through to its conclusion, even though I left strict instructions with Igor, sorry, Chris, that he should continue no matter what the consequences.
Begin Heating Process.
With the hair-dryer on full heat we began heating the encased protein package in earnest. We were full of excitement and hope at this point - the shell-temperature rose to unbearable degrees Celsius incredibly quickly. Dinner was surely not more than 5 minutes away...
20 minutes later...
Time for a short intermission:
Panic started to set in....
Until Domokun performed the
Miracle of converting air into
Guinness - a modern take on an
old biblical tale.
50 minutes (and a few more of those miracles later) .....
Frustration begins to show upon
the worried brow of our hungry hero.
The problem was - how do we know when the egg is cooked (preferably with a soft centre)? From our exacting and learnéd reckoning, the egg had started cooking inside, but we weren't sure how cooked it was.
It was at this point that the reason as to why I had picked Chris as an evil sidekick became clear. He was a veritable goldmine of old housewive's tales relating to the cooking and readiness of eggs.
Housewives Tale Number 1: a spinning egg will stop spinning after you impede it's spinning, whereas an uncooked egg will continue to spin due to the chaotic forces imparted to the liquid albumen.
Bunch of horseshit this one, quite honestly. Chris span our control chicken egg as fast as he could, and then stopped it with his finger, as the following picture shows:
Chris proving nothing, yesterday...
Having proved that our control egg was uncooked, we then span the goose egg. It stopped spinning after he put his finger on it. No fucking surprise there then, that's like me proving a brick is hollow and filled with jelly by pushing it with one finger.
Housewives Tale Number 2: a cooked egg will float in water.
Actually, we couldn't remember whether the rule was that a cooked egg floated or sank for this one, but we tested it anyway. The control egg was placed into the tropical fishtank and allowed to - er... sink. Yes! That proved something - now if only we could find out what.
Chris proving nothing, yesterday...again...
The super-heated egg was then placed in the tank:
No fish were harmed during this experiment.
They were only slightly warmed.
It sank to the bottom, Domokun's face beaming up at the fish in such ferocity that we had to put the tank lid back on to stop them flinging themselves out of the tank in fear. Stupid fish. Do they nothing of Domokun's passive ways?
It was finally after 1 hour and 20 minutes that we decided that the egg had to be cooked. It was too hot to handle, and surely that was akin to placing it in boiling water for an hour? Chris has one more evil boffin trick up his sleeve.
Evil Scientist's True Fact: If you place an uncooked egg between 2 phones whilst they're connected to each other, the resulting microwaves will travel through the egg and cook it.
Nuke it from orbit -
its the only way to be sure.
As a final measure to stop Salmonella, we decided to toast the egg on top of the toaster (along with its control friend):
Has anyone noticed the similarity between a Domokun-branded Goose egg and an Alessi bottle opener before?
Separated at birth: Domokun and
Alessi bottle opener, yesterday.
Ahem, anyway. We're finally at the grand cracking of the egg. The toast is toasted, the beans are heated, they're on the plate, and we're ready. We used Domokun's new-found brother, Alessi bottle opener, to crack into the tough shell.
Here it comes...
Yes! It looks ready!
It looks......
Like uncooked shit.
An abject failure.
But look at the size of that yolk!
The depression was too great. 1 hour and 20 minutes of fierce, Vidal Sassoned, styled heat, microwaves and a toasting, and I'm looking at the cast-offs from the Ghostbusters special effects department.
We repaired to the pub to drown our sorrows.
 
Our heroes can't even drink,
let alone cry, such is their
vast disappointment.
There was but one more thing to do...
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 09:26 by Taz
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That's a beautiful story man.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 09:29 by Mr_Nil
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heh heh... Cool.
One question though.... Why'd you go buy a box of deep fried worms with apple and peppers in cold tea???
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 09:38 by Wild
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Don't knock it till you've tried it.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 10:05 by kaiser
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who photoshopped one of the heros drinks?
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 10:31 by Reggio
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Hey, Wild. I liked the accent. Is that like Q the wing-ed serpent?
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 10:37 by Lindsey L
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You fellas are completely mad.
I didn't actually expect you to try cooking eggs with a hairdryer...
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 11:06 by Taz
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Wild doesn't actually own a cooker, so usually its toasting bread on tea lights or frying bacon on the engine of his Fiesta.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 11:52 by Kaspar
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Barmy. Completely barmy.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 11:53 by Reggio
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Barmy Rubble?
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 12:40 by Xavier
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As the person ultimately responsible for the ruination of Wilds tea (I suggested the hairdryer) I must apologise, I really did think it would work, although, i initially thought that you would crack the egg first and then try to cook it with the hairdryer, this at least would probably have allowed for a gradual build up of dissapointment, rather than one big kick in the nuts after two hours.
I promise to send the money for 1 more goose egg so you can have your desired meal.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 12:41 by Reggio
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Sod that, let's go for one of the big boys - see post above about emu eggs.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 13:07 by Chris alias Igor
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Two of my fish are now dead.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 13:32 by Wild
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ah.
erm...
I'm fairly sure those two were on their natural way out anyway.
They looked like they were er... limping or something, whatever it is that fish do when they can't swim straight.
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Date posted: 28 Feb, 2003 14:18 by Taz
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sink?
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Date posted: 06 Mar, 2003 00:27 by JDOG
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I`m going to send ya`ll a couple of plane tickets to the states. I`ll turn you on to Colonel Sanders, Churches Fried, Popeys and Safeway deli.
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Date posted: 07 Mar, 2003 14:12 by Reggio
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You can't cook a Safeways deli with a hairdryer!
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Date posted: 07 Mar, 2003 14:15 by Xavier
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Ohh, ohh, A challenge,
SO JDOG - you gonna prove us wrong?????
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