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This week, Kok takes time out to respond to his many adoring (and not so adoring) readers. I can't believe someone would e-mail him and pretend they were someone they were not. Outrageous. "I saw a man who had a cat inside orifice mouth section. He was a trick man. I laugh, you trick me."
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If you can't tell your 'tallywhacker' from your 'Tandoori Two-step' - then you need the Guide to UK Slang and Colloquialisms. My personal favourites being 'tight as a gnat's chuff' and 'map of Tassie'. You bunch of limp-wristed Lionels.
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Quite a few behind-the-scenes changes going on around here. You shouldn't notice anything obvious. Site owners amongst you who'd like to syndicate this site's content may be pleased to know that we're now publishing the site's news in 3 flavours of XML - RSS, RDF and WDDX. The links for the feeds are at the bottom of the page. Please don't grab them more than necessary (ie more than once an hour). They aren't updated that often anyway (couple of times a day)
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Some really bad news for travellers on the London Underground....
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Ninjas are the ultimate power in the universe. When they flip out - they have ultimate domination. Totally Sweet. Cheers Memepool.
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After I stop flowing, I am expected to drink the produce so as not to be wasteful. Then I shower.
cheers to cruel.
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Guys! Women do this because they are eeevil... They just want to be friends. Here's a handy guide to keeping your new best platonic friend. Cheers to Ultimate Insult for the reciprocal link-nick!
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Why is this man grinning so much? Why is it called Fudge Packer's Delight? Apparently there is much that the art of Kenpo can teach you.
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A new record in levels of public apathy has become apparent in this country with the announcement of the Queen's Jubilee. Honestly, not many of us under 35 can be fucked in the slightest. If we get the day off to go down to the pub and get drunk, so much the better - but we still don't give a dog's arse about the hilarity that is England's Modern Monarchy. I'm not alone in this.
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In a rare fit of helpfulness, makeashorterlink.com takes enormous links (eg http://www.freerecipe.org/Old_Fashioned_Advice/About_Housework/RemovalOfS_bccje.htm) and turns them into something far more emailable (eg http://makeashorterlink.com/?E1FE1175). Jolly Well Done! Cheers memepool.
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As I child, I had a big tin full of Lego. My brother and I would spend hours creating all manner of fiendish lego devices to serve in the execution of the LegoMen. Who could have foretold someone would actually take this to another level. Ladies and genteelmen, I present to you - LegoDeath!. Cheers SeeThru
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Couple of quick updates on the site. The cam is back up, but its on a mac now and we've had to change the software. Working on upping the quality/size. Also, for the more technical amongst you, the site now updates weblogs.com whenever updated - so you can keep informed. Uses a bit of jiggery-pokery cos Coldfusion ain't great at calling XML-RPC methods, but it works. Huzzah.
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Just a quick note on the webcam, it'll be down for a couple of days whilst we get ourselves sorted here after our move to The Facility. Whilst most of you couldn't give a stuff (myself included) there are a few cam-maniacs out there who manage to delude themselves into thinking the cam is actually interesting. Sad. And I try my hardest to ensure that all the action round here occurs away from it too. Lost a lot of water from the Sea-Monkey Colony Sub during the move. Estimate 20% Colony Death. Doing well considering the project is only 4 days old.
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A bit UK-centric this one but wtf? Ananova is reporting that Neil and Christine Hamilton are to host a TV tribute to American cannabis-smoking duo Cheech and Chong.
In one scene they appear in '60s' outfits with Neil brandishing a giant spliff. Random story of the day?
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Charlie loves shoes. No. Charlie really loves shoes. Sneak preview:
"Q. What do astronauts have to take when exploring the Planet Reebok?"
"A. Nike Air."
Laugh? I nearly did until I realised he probably finds this funny.
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Finally! Our prayers have been answered! With this one device I could rule the world!! find out which pub is nearest and forever end those laddish arguments. Cheers /.
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Far fewer British would have a problem with losing the pound if the alternative were this... those crazy dutchies! Cheers Fark
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Postman Pat kinda lost it after his show was axed...
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Ah, its been a long, long wait for the latest episode of Kok Wee. But its been worth the wait. In this episode, Kok makes an english friend who hurts people and "I had bad when I got back home. News that my Christmas
rabbit was nailed to a tree, my brother has been wanting a sex modifcation.
And ask me pay."
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The Monkeys are launched! WooHoo! Apparently most hatch within a minute. Its been 10 minutes and I can't see fuck. Bollocks. Think I'll urinate in it myself....
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Holding the sausage hostage has become a bit of a theme here at FJ. Slightly disturbing but there you come go. To this end then - 'ere is a bit of Papal throttling linkage.
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Although Dave Mash and Editor would know more about this than me, famous people masturbate too!
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Just watch them....
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This is great - as long as you play sensibly, this website always wins!
Guess the Dictator or SitCom Character
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This gets my goat. I hate e-mail disclaimers - stuck onto the bottom of e-mails so that you only get to see what you've apparently accepted in law *after* you've read the e-mail. Dumb. I'll give £5 to anyone who can prove they're a good thing. Cheers Blues
Bowner, Resident newsdude, Funjunkie.co.uk
=====================================
All offers of paying £5 for anything will not be honoured.
Readers of the above post accept in law to be stripped naked and thrashed with a bunch of salad onions.
=====================================
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On the left ladies and genteelmen, you'll find the link to the webcam, which from now on until D day (death day) will be displaying the hilarious antics of a colony of Sea Monkeys. They live in a special sub I've procured from the MoD - last seen in The Fantastic Voyage. More updates to come - today is water purifying day before the monkeys go in. Let's see how long it is until someone in the office either vomits or urinates in the water.
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Received this in my inbox this morning so I guess its doing the rounds at the moment. I woud normally put things like this in the E-Mails (spam) section of the site, but this was so funny I think I'll feature it....
UPDATE Found the original source for this so I can credit it - Michael Kelly's Page of Misery - v. funny guy
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The next time you're in Oklahoma City having some cheap gland to hand combat with some crack ho beatch keep an eye out for Brian Bates video vigilante....
He does this....
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And today - the morning after... am sadder than anyone might ever comprehend. Whilst I go and wrack my head in anguish - there ain't no sense in you and I being in tears - here are some links to keep the wolves from the door:
Destiny's Child Alternative Lyrics - v. funny for those acquainted with Alf Garnett
All those fans of FJ's own Tourette Machine will love the Turretaphone
Finally - some of England's Dumbest Laws.
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Damn. I got alcohol flowing through ma veins, ahm feeling good. Tonight am going here for damn fine bop gunningishness. Bouncy and delicious. Don't wait up, I may be some time. Me az got ah 'ot date wiv Prof P. Funk.
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A comic artist of quite staggering distinction, Taco the Wonder Dog. Browse his cartoons with eyes of wonder, and then, Behold! win amazing prizes in the Contast (sic)
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Ever wondered Why stinky farts are generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?- Me too! The answer to all of your fart related questions can be found here!
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Yes! Time to kill Jonathan Ross in this pretty cool Kung Fu Flash game from the BBC. You can probably beat my booze-slowed pathetic reaction time of 287 ms but then again I'm probably having more fun than you. Props again to SeeThru
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Always up for a bit of salacious gossip, FJ loves a good read of Disgruntled Housewife every now and then to catch up on what them naughty ladies are up to. The results are sometimes fairly disturbing. Excellent.
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Oh dear, this is too sad to be true....Remember the internet business woman, Kay Hammond, who's auctioning herself off as a wife on QXL? It appears she may be marrying a Mr. Webb. How drole.
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Inmates at a prison in Prince Albert, Canada managed to wangle a Porn & Pizza fest on New Years Eve. Good Work Fellas! Cheers Metafilter
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You may or may not have noticed, but there's a general pimp theme goin on round at FJ at the moment. To put it to bed, here's a big ol list of pimpin shit.
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"Do you like your men hard, horny, and green?" asks this site, and from that moment on, fails to disappoint. Will please even the sickest hard core plastic lover. Cheers Ultimate Insult
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Whether true or not, this article is a little disturbing. It concerns the lengths some mothers will go to to improve their son's grades.... Cheers Inflash
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A true wired house, Icepick.com is quite incredible. Pretty much everything is recorded, such as barcodes from items eaten, when the doorbell last rang, who last phoned, the last time the cat used the litter tray etc etc. Very cool.
The 137 plays of Roxette are a bit worrying though. Cheers SeeThru
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Ah, the eternal love between that exists between man and woman. I bet the two in this story got it on afterwards...
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Pity this fool..... 1 penny cleaned, 6,999,999 to go....
UPDATE - 10:09am Jan 17th 2002
As too fucking many of you have pointed out, after cleaning one, he's actually got 7,599,999 left to clean.
wankers.
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Meet an inmate!
You ingrate.
Real jail-bait.
Imprisoned by the state.
Its great!
Mate.
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From the company that brought you Frozen Piss Popsicle Swords and the Hallucinatory Prostitute Retail Bewildermant Mask, Unnovations brings you its latest advancement in home shopping delight, the Thunki-Think-Thinknomore-Thunkishere Kit!! You need never waste energy thinking for yourself ever again!
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You sit down for a nice dinner that you've taken ages to prepare. You've had a hard day and you're looking forward to relaxing. You certainly don't expect a massive fuck-off robot to destroy your house do you? Cheers Ekosm
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Seen over at Blues, this is a very very cool toy. The Catapult Watch enables you to tell the time and fire BB pellets, peas, popcorn kernels, lentils etc. at your workmates/enemies/pets. Nyahahahaha!
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Whilst keepin' on da main theme o' pimpin'. What a ripoff. Make shaw yo' rap be real! Visit Da Jive Serva' an' refresh yo' vocabulary. If yo' ass duzn't, den yo' ass will find yourself fell out at, an' yo' ass will only have scags as ho's
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you got tha talk, you got tha walk, you even got dem scaggies down the road to be yo' ho's. But if yo can't find tha look - you ain't no pimp, square-o.
You need a visit to Pimpdaddy.com so you can get tha style zoot-bwai.
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Great idea, Butts Across America. Shot of people's naked butts in historic places! I so hope this practice catches on over here - just imagine it, buttshots of people in the Queen Vic, or on The Royal Balcony!
My personal fave is this one
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100 Ways to piss off your local pizza delivery store....
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Right. This guy has been keeping, scanning and publishing his receipts from WalMart ever since 1997. He buys strange things. Don't ask why, just marvel at the beauty, or something.
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Should you be looking for a US flavoured version of Funjunkie, the you need look no further than Randomdrivel - full of shit, just as you ordered monsieur. We here at FJ nick links wholesale from them because they get the cream o' da crap. Job's a Good'un fellas..
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Now, at first I was sceptical - and I am a very sceptical person. But! I have to confess - this was good - a small test that takes about 10 seconds and can tell you a lot about yourself. I tried it, my partner tried it and both outlooks were very accurate! All you need to do is pick your favourite colours.
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Somedays you just feel exasperated with the web. You look at that boring Current Affairs site for the 50th time that day only to discover for the 50th time that it hasn't changed.
Then, you find a true gem that fully restores your faith in the net. An absolute classic that reminds you exactly why we're all here. Go see.
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The Framley Examiner is the place to go for all your second-hand needs. Check out the classifieds and gaze in awe at all your preloved dreams made real!
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ok ok, so I finally got round to writing an archive for the site. I do have to say I was mercilessly badgered for it by Bailey and I managed to ignore him up until now. My excuse was... erm... short attention span? Yea, that'll do, he'll fall for that.
For the more unintelligent amongst you (and yes, that probably means 90% of funjunkie readers), you can get a look at the archive by clicking the News Archive link to the left
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Classic collection of those 'Priceless' type of photos such as the guy caught on camera whilst asleep naked on his bed after having fallen asleep mid lamb shank
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You lot scare me....
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Seen on Memepool, Insults.net has a fantastic guide to swearing in foreign languages. Guaranteed useful.
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In the second part of our ongoing epic tale, our hero finds himself being victimised by the gang, after having refused a request.
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uhhh, not sure what to say about this one. The Montana Testicle Festival is uh.. well, a celebration of the potential gourmet delights of the um... testicle.
So why are there more women baring their breasts than pictures of testicle casserole on the site then?
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What could be better on New Years Eve than a roaring fire, a glass of vintage red wine, a good improving book, your faithful black lab at your feet and a potentially fatal alcohol-fuelled tractor race?
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A New Year - a new News Bwai.... Let me just welcome Wildo, film runner extraordinaire, to the team of useless layabouts. I'm sure he'll be very er... productive.
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DeathGob
