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Anyone care to explain to me what Winney is all about?
No?
Okay then, well just go and play some bizarro games: run, jump and shoot.
I have also strategically placed the word "Naked" somewhere in this article... can you guess where it is yet?
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Isometric - where we can all learn the truth in our hearts about pride, courage, life and love.
And monkeys and rabbits.
And ninjas. We like ninjas.
Don't miss out on the epic "sadly, he was no Ron Jeremy".
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Ooooh, just the very thought of nudism has made me all excited.
But then I thought about the reality of naturism in the UK, with all its folds of hairy grey skin and dangly bits - its just not the Swedish Mecca (prob not safe for work) that its all made out to be.
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Here's another puzzle game, but I'm not giving you a screen shot because it looks awful, but it plays like a dream. Enjoy.
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More Friday Game Fun this lunchtime comes to you in the form of W.R.A.X which The Ultimate Insult describes as a combination of Tetris and Tempest. I think that's pretty near the mark, and its a nice twist on the usual genres.
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I'd like to be able to say that I'd like enjoy a nomination in the Nude Weblog Awards, but quite frankly I think people need myself, Taz or Reggio to be naked like they need toenail sandwiches for lunch.
We could get nominated if we contained some form of nudity on this here page though, so nows the time when we call upon Funjunkie's female audience to do their bit for God and weblog and send us photos of them naked.
Hmm, thats about as likely as George Bush joining the Human Race. Its worth a go I guess.
Still, I'll be watching those that do get nominated with great interest indeed. Hurrah for nudity!
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Guess what? It's friday today. You know what that means? Yes, that it's the weekend tommorow. But, it also means that I have to post this today, because I won't be able to post it tommorow. So don't click on this link until tommorow. Unless you're reading this tommorow. Then you are allowed to click on it.
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The Six Nations is back in only 2 weeks, which means we'll soon be spending the weekends sat in front of the telly, getting rat-arsed with a bunch of mates. (This is actually par for the course at any time of year)
So to celebrate this wonderful event, you can do no better than to create your own Ugger Rugger. (Although sitting in front of the telly, getting rat-arsed with a bunch of mates is probably better)
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We're getting linked by a few Japanese sites at the moment, which would be great if I could understand in what context they meant it. Unfortunately all of the Japanese translators seem to create more nonsense than a bowl full of plastic gherkins.
I'm sure they mean well.
So anyway, useless knowledge to them, but in case you're ever presented with the quandry of having need a shit in downtown Tokyo, then you're going to need to know how to use their toilets and how to identify the shitty ones from the clean ones.
Random Quote:"When I think of my life, it has been full of shit. I have always searching for toilet. During my school days, even on the day of entrance exam for university.
Perhaps I am just a container to keep a shit."
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Could be way off target, but doesn't Rolf Harris play the Vibraphone?
Well, whether he does, or did, or didn't, or wont, or can, or can't or... Look, just go and play it yourself!
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More classic arcade action again for the next entry in the Friday game stakes: Bomb Jack was an old favourite in the arcades, not least for its simplicity. Grab the bombs, avoid the enemies. Short but sweet.
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Part of the web's enduring appeal is its ability to come up with completely off-the-wall stuff. Stuff that makes you ask "why?". Its to this sort of thing that FJ owes its entire existence.
Well, here's a great example. Called Insert Silence (quite possibly because that's what it does when you look at it), its a really quite mesmerising piece of flash work, not least because it'll take you a few minutes just to work out whether or not its trying to form real objects or not.
Quite lovely, in a wierd way. Cheers Wastrel Division.
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Here's another nomination for The Funjunkie Friday Game, but I have to admit I was first disappointed when I discovered it. I thought it was called Bet Hi or Low Steak, a game that could have me winning steaks aplenty.
Its ok though, I started to cheer up when I discovered that it was actually BetHiLo Streak, involving you controlling a streaker that mustn't get caught by the fuzz (or the police for that matter).
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Taz's first nomination for the Friday Game of the Day™ is Aquatris, which is a rather groovy version of Tetris.
You want the fish? You can't handle the fish!
(Deeply sorry as usual)
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Here's conclusive proof that George Winnits Bush is actually related to Peter Reed (Monkey's Heed).
Thanks Kat
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If you don't subscribe to the Popbitch weekly e-mail, and you really really should if you want to get your dose of backstabbing gossip for the week, then you'll have missed a story about one of FJ's favourite stars David Hasselhoff (the other being Prof Hawking). Here's the story copied from the Popbitch e-mail verbatim (hoping they won't mind in return for the plug). In the early 80s Knight Rider star David Hasselhoff visited South Africa, as the show was a huge hit there.
Obsessed with getting close to his fans and a hatred of "political bullshit", he boarded a segregated (blacks only) bus.
When warned not to, he replied:
"Hasselhoff can't go on that bus, but Michael Knight can!" The man is a genius.
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I can't be the only person in the world who thinks that a company like Porsche, who can't be short of a bob or two, should be able to put some better games on their site... these are truly bad.
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Ah, the sun is out, its nice and warm(ish). What I really want to be doing right now is looking at a great pair of nice tits.
Its good for you, it relaxes you to look at nice tits. I suggest you do so.
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We all know that you can find out what your old school friends are doing at Friends Reunited, but have you ever wondered about what some of your old work colleagues are doing now? Nah, I haven't much either, because most of them have been w*nkers.
There has been one exception however, and that's Crazy Mr F, who I used to share an office with, who has been working undercover for the Crazy Mum corporation smashing the crap out of stuff. Badly. Good work fella.
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It's all been a bit 'shooty shooty' recently, so here, to act as a coolant to your gaming trigger fingers, is a beautiful Panda Simulator.
It's all a bit Ninjai, but without the killing. By the way, what has happened to the little ninja of late?
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Its more classic arcade action this lunchtime with a great port to the web of that uber-classic Missile Command.
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Okay, we don't want to reduce Funjunkie to a political nightmare, but ABC news (Americans in learning alphabet shock!) have something important to say...
George W(anker) Bush talks bollocks!
Tell us something we don't know.
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One day you'll be walking along a footpath and you'll be humming to yourself. You'll be happy cos the sun is out and the birds are singing and you're having a nice walk.
But then, all of a sudden, you hear a cry in the distance. You run over to where you think its emanating from and look around.
Presently, you hear the cry again, and you discover a hole in the ground with a big fat sumo wrestler stuck halfway in.
The sumo wrestler says to you, "Help me, I'm stuck in this hole and there's a nuclear bomb in here under me that'll go off destroying the world unless I can get out of the hole and disarm it, for I am the only sumo wrestler in the world skilled enough to disarm such a nefarious device."
You roll up your sleeves, bend your legs and begin to heave.
Its at this point that you'll thank your lucky stars that you were reading Funjunkie the day we decided to link to How to lift a Sumo Wrestler.
Oh yes.
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Okay, so Taz hasn't been too vocal today. Well what do you expect? This is a website for fuck's sake... unless you've got text-to-speech there's no vocals involved. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm narked... - Narked at the fact that I checked my main bank account this morning to find it in the red and over the overdraft limit.
- Narked at the fact that I've just had to pay out for my car insurance, tax disc and over 200 quids worth of repairs in one day.
- Narked because I've not had a cup of tea for at least 2 hours.
So what should I do about it? I know... I'm gonna kick the shit out of some stick men!
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I just couldn't wait till Friday to post this as the Funjunkie Friday Game - it'd win hands down and I love it too much to wait.
When I was a wee nipper, I used to play this game practically 24/7. The old Game n' Watch version of Donkey Kong Jr.
Navigate the jungle, jumping over crocodiles and ducking under nasty pecking crows to save big old Donkey Kong from the cage.
Classic stuff that hasn't dated in the slightest. Makes me sad that I accidentally dropped the old one in the toilet over 10 years ago...
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More Japanese obscure fun, but this time with guns (multiple), blood, wanton violence, flesh wounds, death and destructionism.
Strangely calming, or perhaps thats just me.
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Its nice to know that online translating software really does cut the mustard at the moment (not). Its either that or this site about (I think) Mr. Hage transforming into Mr. Mage (it could be about ducks for all I really know) really is as completely wierd as it looks.
Random Quote:"I want to stand perpendicularly, if hair was grown at any rate. Very gentle desire. Is it very gentle action?
A useless drive called what! useless -- useless -- useless.
now -- soon -- his hair -- heavens -- it rose like
He and the friends of those were preparing accessories firmly the sake at this time."
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I've found another zoo themed item that I'd like to share with you this wednesday afternoon*. It's a cheap gimmick, but hey, aren't they all. Watch out for the camel.
*Unless you're reading this at some other time
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The enticingly named Sleep with a Star doesn't actually let you sleep with celebs, which is a shame really, because according to them, I should be stepping out with Ms. Kylie Minogue. SWEET.
Kylie 4 Reg - 89%
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Go and familiarise yourselves with the workings of Diamond Mine, and then enter the strange world of Japanese Shockwave and try your hand at ZooKeeper. Infinitely more cute. In a good way.
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A warm welcome is extended to all of the 1000 or so members of the Punters and Working Girls forum who seem to be marching over every square inch (or 6 inches) of FJ this morning.
We don't charge by the hour, and we're much more fun than 20 minutes with a buxom blonde.
Actually no, scrap that, we're not.
Welcome anyway.
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Roll your wet towels up, and whip some ass!
Get your team to have a thorough shower, and get them out of that changing room before the other team drops the soap. Me? I just stood in the corner and looked at the girly pics on the wall.
Slighty homoerotic, but oddly compelling. Eugh. I'm making myself feel sick.
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The mission: To infect feet with Athlete's Foot
The method: Encase unwashed feet in plastic bags for 4 weeks after trip to local swimming baths
The symptoms: Sore, red, pus-filled, cracked and weepy feet that are no good for walking on.
The result: Resounding success.
The reason: erm.... er.... hang on... I've got it written down somewhere.... nah. its gone.
28 days of foot rotting badness, its The StinkyFeet Diaries
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"Sorry, that's not good enough for the high score list!"
Score: 0
Well, not really a surprise then is it. See if you can beat the Funjunkie All Time High Score of fuck all on this sort of Mars Lander adaptation: SpaceCab.
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My local boozer had a £500,000 refit last summer to transform it from a ropey student pub into an italian style pizzeria in a pub. Obviously I have mixed feelings about this.
One of the things that particularly got up our collective nose last night is the fact that you are not allowed to wear peaked caps. Now, this doesn't bother me because I can't wear peaked caps due to my Radar Ears. It's the principle of it that bothers me, and the fact I have to see Kaiser's hairstyles.
We asked the bar staff why this rule had come into effect, and it's because of CCTV. You aren't allowed to wear anything covering your eyes. So, for example, wearing wooly hats is OK.
This brought up the idea that we should make a weekly outing to the pub with 'borderline' head gear on. I thought a nice bobble hat for myself, and a Russian Tank Commanders helmet for Kaiser etc.
Would anyone like to join our cause?
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Never one to be beaten by diminuitive Aussie popstars, Domokun has also decided to launch his own range of lingerie. Called "DK", it's tantalising and sexy and comprises of black lacy Domothong and bra. Its the only choice of underwear for sexy modern independent brown monster thingies.
Available in the shops now from £5 to £8.35.
 Domokun, modelling his new lingerie range, yesterday.
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The Sun are definitely winning on the "Headline of the Day" competition (do we have one of those?), with today's absolute gem: "Get into Kylie's knickers".
I like to think that they are giving me an order, therefore I shall endeavour to complete my mission!
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Oh how it must feel to ba Canadian right now. People like Jim Carrey and Celine Dion.. no no, hang on, I hate them! People like Bryan Adams and Alanis Morissette.. Shit! Is there any famous Canadian who anyone likes???
Okay nevermind that.
Canadians are rejoicing today after winning the battle of the century. It seems that the pickling and preserving masses of the country have united to fight for the right to keep their trusty 78mm jar lids. And the good news is: They've won!
Long live the 78mm jar lid! Long live Michael J Fox... Oh shite!
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As Taz pointed (or was that pinted) out late last night, we receive a lot of Google referrers. Most of them are of yer bog standard "Beckham Popbitch" variety.
Some however just defy explanation, but amuse us all the same.
The first of these was a search for World Custard Pie Championships. Now this got me all excited cos if there's such a thing, I definitely want to be there competing for the title of Custard Pie Warrior of the Universe.
Unfortunately, the only reference I can find on is a small mention in the history of a small village called Coxheath in 1966. Bah.
The second? Well, a picture tells a 1000 words:
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There's a real art to photographing food. In fact, its usually so difficult that photographers quite often hire in styrofoam modellers to reproduce the dish in foam form.
Its a piece of advice that the photographers of food pictures found in the Gallery of Regrettable Food obviously didn't take.
Its their devotion to dressing up bland food, or even making good food look like a flyblown corpse that's celebrated here. They really were/are masters of their art, and we should all thank them for the rank photos of burgers and kebabs that grace the menu boards of each and every chip shop in the land.
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You could support the upcoming war. You could wish death and torture upon the Iraqi people and accept that the reprisal terrorist attacks are a regrettable yet acceptable cost of these attacks, and that the nuclear strikes fired in retort to these would wipe the threat of these terrorists from the Earth, and that the resulting terrorist nuclear and biological attacks from sympathetic states to the one just obliterated would be a regrettable yet acceptable cost for doing this, ad nauseam....
Or you could just masturbate for peace. Its your choice, but countless living organisms get killed either way.
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do you possess a "hirsute appendage of the upper lip, with graspable extremities"?
If so, then you've just qualified for membership to the exclusive Handlebar Club - formed in 1947 for men (and women if they can qualify presumably) who have similar interests in looking as ridiculous as you do! Fancy meeting others just like you every Friday to dip your whiskers into a nice foaming pint of pale ale and to chat about the wo-ar? Sign up now!
Ladies! Does the sight of a pair horizontally free-standing hair wings turn you on? Then join the "Friends of the Handlebar Club" and get to surround yourself in the ecstasy of a room full of tickly whiskers!
They have helpful hints on handlebar maintenance, and even offer up recipes for DIY moustache wax!
Random Quote:"We were not 'Politically Correct' in 1968!"
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Here's a nice little fighting game for you to take out your Monday Agression™ on. I recommend you take a look at the keys first...
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Give a man a few spliffs and then let him loose on a copy of Flash... suddenly he's on a mission... everything fits into place. He's got to tell the world about weed, and worst of all, he's got to do that with lots of spinning and tweening and... Its amazing what looks great when you're stoned.
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We don't feature many specific posts for women here on FJ. Its a shame, cos we have a number of cool regular female readers and because when we stumble across gems like this questionnaire on vaginal attributes, its up quicker than you can say 'Labia Minora' (the post is up, not anything else, honest).
Whilst you're there you also might want to check out and offer up your views on such highbrow topics as "Do Vulva looks matter?" and "Can you perform auto-cunnilingus?"
There are some very direct questions and subjects in there, and its definitely not safe for work (unless you work in a Gynaecologists). It certainly managed to make my pork noodle breakfast appear much much less appetising.
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I'm bored of proverbs. I always think that proverbs could be better, but somebody will always tell me "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".
Being a sufferer of creative boredom, I decided to set the ball rolling on a new breed of proverbs.- You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it catch fish.
- A rolling stone could have somebody's eye out.
- A stitch in time makes you run slower.
- A bird in the hand is likely to shit on your fingers.
- All that glitters is not Dulux brilliant white matt emulsion.
- Better the devil you know than a double glazing salesman.
- Every cloud has a silver gravy boat and some bone china crockery.
- Discretion is the better part of "Discretionabobulous"
You lot can continue...
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There seems to be a strange egg-sucking theme going on amongst some of the FJ regulars today, which is odd but its the sort of thing you get used to when dealing with the sort of people this site attracts.
So, just for you loveable (from a distance) rogues, here's the Egglympics, which includes an egg-sucking event for your delectation.
I'm sure some of you could train up for and represent our country in next year's event.
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Here's another game to help take your mind off that truly horrible music car thingie.
Snowboard down the mountain, collecting power-ups to help you pull off those wicked tricks innit.
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I need some help here. I thought that the last lot of driving games were the epitome of pure crap, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong.
Friday wouldn't be the same if we, the funjunkificators (Potential new word for the OED there... Oxford University Press take note please), didn't get bladdered at the pub while eating lunch and then skive work to find useless games for you. More importantly, it would never be the same if we didn't dig up examples of completelty bizarre games that make no sense and appear to have no aim whatsoever.
So to cut a long story up into short bits, then staple them back together with all the rest of the rubbish that we found under the desk, thus making it a damn site longer and less intelligable... Could somebody please tell me what the fuck this is all about?
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Love Hearts. Have you had a pack recently? They say things like 'text me' and 'mail me'. Rubbish. I recommend you make some yourself. I sent one to Taz saying 'eat shit'.
UPDATE by Wild I think this one just about sums it up for me:
UPDATE, UPDATE by Reggio Thanks to the fans who sent me this:
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A nice addition to the spam section that should keep you busy for a while is the 80's Arcade Games Quiz.
Try and remember what the titles were for the screenshots show. You'll be racking your head!
(needs Excel)
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Yeah, thats CRAP with a capital C . R . A . P
Femtoseconds of amusement value with these 2 driving games... 3D car driver and the truly impressive and ingeniously named Car drive.
Then there's a strange Celebrity Driving School, featuring caricatures of celebrities, identifiable only by the intro sequence that points out who they're supposed to be.
You want the crap? You can't handle the crap!
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So, you'll be going out tonight to get utterly lambasted on booze then. Well, you will if you're British, its the very essence of our existence. We get all uppity if we're denied our weekly opportunity to drink ourselves into oblivion.
After so many Friday nights though, you're bound to lose your way a bit and its in my esteemed and learn-ed opinion that you're all in need of a refresher course in the Rules of Boozing.
Should you feel a little jaded about the bounteous rewards that regular destructive boozing brings, then you need a little motivational nudge. Check out some important boozing posters.
After all that, you'll be in tip-top shape for a life of boozing.
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At first glance it seems that this is an absolute miracle of a story: man gets head ripped off, doctors sew it back on, man survives, man now playing basketball again."[His] car was hit by the other vehicle so hard his head was detached from his body." Incredible isn't it?
Ah, but I think the the authors of the story and you, Mr or Mrs Reader have missed an important point that explains why he survived."Only skin and some vital internal circuits held it on." Vital internal circuits. The man was a robot for god's sake! They always survive having their heads ripped off! Its what they do!
And now they've turned him loose back onto the streets so he can continue his evil mission which probably involves blowing us all up or impregnating our women with alien spawn or something.
Honestly, the authorities have a lot to answer for.
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Is it me, or do these 'photographs' of models wearing Hat Designer Philip Treacy's latest creations look like photoshopped fakes?
It looks as though someone has just stuck a random cutout of David Beckham on Helena Christensen's photograph.
Look, here's another one of his lesser selling creations:
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After checking out Wild's apple game (short critique: Simple, but effective. Cleanly executed and fun for short periods before infinite boredom sets in. 6/10 could do better. See me after class.), I found this groovy little animation on the site. El penguino.
C'est tres Pingu!
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Oh. My. God.
The love child of David Brent and Michael Jackson has entered the dance floor. And he's wearing Orange.
"I sort of fused Flashdance and MC Hammer shit..."
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Ah, Friday again. Lovely.
Lets celebrate with one or two non-taxing web games to distract you from that very unimportant work that you're supposed to be doing, but which, quite frankly, can wait till Monday.
Here's the first, Neighbour Wars - shake your neighbour's tree to knock the apples into your garden without him seeing. No "Save the Planet" mission, no scary aliens - just good simple "nick some apples" playability.
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Two fish in a tank.
One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
Mmmm... centrifugal fishtanks.
Mmmm... donuts.
Mmm... purple.
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I'm going to hold my hands up on this one. Religion scares the bejesus out of me. Especially when involved with pets.
Pets and religion don't mix, as was proved when this scary lady made a massive Lego church, nay cathedral, complete with ministers and hundreds of worshippers.
The cat was obviously so impressed that it could worship the Lord in its own scale church that it dropped down deaded two days before completion.
The cry of relief from the hundreds of lego worshippers was quite audible when they realised that their renditions of "Jerusalem" would no longer be drowned out by the gargantuan feline's mewlings, and the money saved on not having to clean 50 tonnes of cat shit from the organ pipes will come in handy when it comes to fixing the steeple.
Still, at least it had somewhere for its funeral to be held.
Cheers Bloggerheads
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Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says: "Can you smell fish?"
I'm truly sorry
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As eagle eyed Scaryduck (not scary, not a duck) has pointed out: TODAY IS NATIONAL PIE DAY!
Ok, so its the American Pie Day, but as I have mentioned once already this week (so its annoying even me), beggars can't be choosers, and there's no shame in begging for pie.
The US always does things bigger than over here in Blighty. For instance, we *do* have a Pie Day over here, but its on a much smaller scale.
Still, I'm undeterred. I shall be celebrating, and I hope you all will too. Perhaps with a homemade pork pie such as Doctor Gary's.
I know, I know, No post on pies is complete without a bit of Weebl.
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Its a thorny issue, going for a shit at work. Do you, don't you? what if you have to go and there's no loo roll? What if that really stinky guy has just gone in before you? What about the dangers of 'drips' on the toilet seat or remnants o soneone else's last night curry shrapnel still clinging to the side of the bowl...
Ugh.
Well, to help you survive the dilemmas involved, here's the Office Poop Survival Guide.
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Deceptively difficult game of the day today is M&M's Flip the Mix - a new version of Diamond Mine with a few extra twists.
It starts out easy, but don't let that fool you.
See if you can beat Red's score of 39600.
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I'm doing some 'work' for a pipeline renovation company at the moment, and I was sent some notes about what to include in their presentation.
Thanks to Xavier for spotting that before me...
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It's a bit tricky... no, not walking past a kebab shop when you're drunk - 3D Tetris! It does get easier, but my patience wore off before I beat my all time best of 523 lines (that's on the classic DX version)
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There's a hairpin bend in the road just outside my house. Everyday, I go round that corner in my car on my way to and coming back from work. Sometimes I even drive round it whilst on alternative excursions. Such is my exciting adrenalin-packed life.
Oddly though, everytime I go round this bend some ugly person nearly gets run over.
Every. Single. Time.
Its not my driving, its the people. They'll see you coming and start walking really slowly, all the while dribbling out of the sides of their mouths.
And boy are these people ugly. Truly hideous. I've never known anything like it. I've never seen even an average looking person on this bend - they all look like they had some sort of nasty encounter with a plate of spaghetti or something. Christ.
Now I'm no oil painting myself, but these people make a bowl of dogfood look attractive. Where do they come from? Is there a hellmouth just there or something?
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Sometimes I wonder why some people are allowed to own cameras. Well to be honest with you, sometimes I wonder why some people are allowed to breathe, but thats not the point. Why has Bret photographed these eggs? Twice?
"Eggs. Picture taken for obvious reasons."
Obviously!
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"Here are the galleries"
"The Tate . The National . The Saatchi"
"The galleries follow their mother into the water"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Mantlepies.
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Currently on the right hand side of your screens ladies and slackers is a link to a copy of a very popular e-mail thats going around at the moment that's purportedly penned by uber-britcomedian Peter Kay.
Whether it is or it isn't, it certainly caused me to chuckle slightly (which is no mean feat what the quality of most of the dross that comes into my inbox) so the authenticity isn't important.
What is important however is that its been brought to our attention that number 9 on the list is missing. Well, you can imagine my horror.
So, I know you've all received this e-mail, cause its gone hyperviral - so if anyone has a version with this mysterious number 9 truth in it, please let us know at the usual address so that we can reunite it with its little friends purely for the sake of completeness.
Ta.
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Read on a mailing list:
In the pie shop today...
"Chicken mayo and bacon salad, on white, no onion please"
"I'm really sorry, we don't have any onions left"
Shamelessly stolen without knowledge because its just a beautiful example of pure genius. Thanks Garry
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Should you in the extremely unlikely event find yourself with an overwhelming urge to view TV commercials from the 1980's for products such as California Rasins, New Kids On The Block action figures, Play-Doh or the Castle Greyskull Fortress (God, how I wanted one of those when I was little) - then you will be delighted with the knowledge that someone has anticipated your lustful desires for such televisual entertainment by archiving some of the more memorable ones and sticking them on the web for all to worship.
Behold the (dodgily titled) X-Entertainment commercials library!
Personally, I was hoping for something with a little more nudity, but beggars can't be choosers.
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Jeremiah was a bullfrog
But the stupid bastard was stingy and never offered any wine to us.
Good wine it was... bastard!
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Do you fancy being a sperm? A strange question, but clearly, quite a lot of you do. I've heard of regressing to your childhood days, but this? Maybe a bit too far.
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OK, so when I tried to set up a regular feature last week (the FJ Tuesday Important questions) it was met with a fairly weak response. BUT I did get one satisfactory answer out of three. That means you get it again today! Here goes...
Q1: What would the bastard child of Kate Moss and Billy Zane look like?
Q2: Should we make this a regular feature?
Q3: Does anyone care?
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So you weren't good enough for Fame Academy? How about trying your luck at Rock School instead? Remember, all good metal bands have names like 'No Sheep In Mongolia', and have tunes that go like N,Z,X (you'll see).
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So basically, what you're trying to say is... You don't really like McDonalds? Oh I see... you mean you really hate them?
Evidently a disgruntled employee. I'll have a large overcoat and chips please!
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What with impending war in the Middle East, terrorist threats in the US, the UK and others, North Korea building nuclear weapons etc - its a crying shame that sometimes the most important news is quite often left out.
Well, as our regular readers are probably quite aware by now, part of FJ's mandate (and no, that's not a replacement for Blind Date starring Graham Norton as the host) is to ensure that you, as a reader, are aware of the crucial stories that the main news agencies have dropped the baton on.
And here's a classic example: Bill Oddie Gets Drenched by Urinating Cow."For God's sake there is a cow peeing on me. It's a bovine golden shower!" There. You won't find that in your Channel 4 News.
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You know, sometimes I really despair. According to FHM's Man Test ("Mansa, not Mensa") I'm only 46% manly - a figure thats on a par with Current Eastenders star and Daz washing powder salesman Shane Ritchie (a man who can count the fact that he's one of the 1000 people more annoying than Mick Hucknell amongst his many and varied attributes).
Quite how owning a Ferrari, sleeping with 50+ women and having lots of fights makes you manly is not understood at this time, but I'm not at all bitter about it, oh no, not in the slightest... bastards.
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Hoo! Spinning, whirling, throwing, roundy roundy whirly thing at Vector Park.
Make sure you waste lots of time by playing with all their other stuff too.
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Funjunkie, the Other White Meat.
Cleans Right Round The Funjunkie.
You'll Look a Little Lovelier Each Day with Fabulous Pink Funjunkie.
... and other great advertsing slogans.
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Welcome to all (the blatantly mad) people who have come from Design is Kinky by clicking on my Mugshot. Now what made you do that? Crazy Fools!
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The FJ Editoral Team are all in unanimous agreement.
We're all chuffed to bits that people are discovering the site through Google searches such as Scampi Nik Naks and Hoffmeister Bear.
We're also all in agreement that these consumables are really very tasty, and that the respective manufacturers, Golden Wonder and Scottish and Newcastle should be shipping us crateloads of their very fine products for us to fill our gluttonous bellies on in return for such blatant advertising.
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Nearly the end of the day, but we've just got enough time to bring you this little gem - the quite quite wierd, but utterly fantastic Sushi Race.
Cheers Ultimate Insult
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Some people really do have too much time on their hands...
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Especially useful for students and the unemployable, House Gymnastics can be a fun and healthy way to while away those empty and still moments during the day between This Morning and Countdown.
Let Harrison and Ford take you through from the basics to the more advanced moves. Of particular note are the moves the Armchair Handstand, which should not be attempted on a stool, and the Ceiling Stand, which is what my brother and I forced a lady midget to do at a party once, with hilarious results as her boobs nearly fell out of her top. Much fun was had by all.
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I'm about as good at this online version of Touring Cars as I am the real version. In other words, I come last every time. Damn.
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New office supplies available! Get yourself a decent calculator, and some special buttons to go on it!
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Er, Diesel Sweeties.
"Taping porn is perfectly ok"
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Oh today is a beautiful day! We've carefully scoured the interweb thingie for you and found some of the finest short animations of all time.
These are good enough to rival even the mighty Killer Bean.
Can't say we don't ever do anything for you.
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Ahh... aint it sweet. Frank the Cat is "now living in a new home in the country where he can happily run around and catch mice".
Hang on... who the fuck is Frank the Cat? Well apparently his website was one of the most popular of 2002, according to Yahoo!
Ah bless... I think I might send him a message congratulating him on his recovery, his huge web stats and his ability to read.
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Fuck me! Is it Friday already? Apparently so, which means it must be game time. Lets see what Auntie has got for us...
Er, well, um... here's a staggeringly crap quiz for finding out who your celebrity mate should be. Mine's Jude Law... fuck knows why.
And here's a strange little game where you get to roam around what appears to be Mars... not sure what the purpose is though. Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
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If you've cast your eye over Ananova's news recently you may be forgiven for thinking that Armageddon is beginning and the animals are taking back the world by force. Here's some evidence:
Sneaky bastards. I say we take them all out now in a pre-emptive nuclear strike. Let's crush their steely black hearts into the oblivion they so rightly deserve.
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I work with Chimps. Here's the proof.
Full Story >>
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Craig David and Osama Bin Laden. Seperated at birth?
Re-e-wind, blo-o-o-w up the whii-tehouse
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The stresses and strains of matching up a hard working life with a slim fit body are just too much for many men.
So why bother?
Invest in food and let your belly size soar up, up and away. Get fat, not fit! Yeah, you can do it! Become a big jelly, smelly rank dribbling food fanatic freak burger boy!
And you're not alone! Join Belly Builders, the online community for obese people trapped in a hopelessly not fat enough body.
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"Interfacing to new technologies is a really big effort for me."
God knows how I blunder through as a 'web designer'. Oh, actually, I sit around a lot, and tap the keyboard. Here are some more trade secrets.
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We've covered collective nouns for animals before of course, but now there's a definitive library of them from those bespectacled linguist-type boffins over at Ask Oxford.
New strange ones that I've not seen before:- A Bike of Ants
- A Coffle of Asses (oo-er)
- A Flange of Baboons (double oo-er)
- A Tok of Capercailzes (what the fuck?)
- A Fesnyng of Ferrets (no, that's not a typo)
- and a Knob of Pintail (riiiight.)
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Today's date has a special significance.
Today is January 16th, a day that in my mind since I was 6 years old has been synonymous with revisiting weblog archives and reporting on what FJ was covering on that very day.
So, exactly one year ago today, we were covering such highbrow academic subjects as:
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I've been through this before on here I think. Some bastard at Coca Cola thinks I'm stupid. I know this because there is an instruction on the bottle cap:
Open by Hand
I suppose now they're going to tell me that I don't need a G clamp and a pair of mole grips. It could be worse though.
"Warning. Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people. Especially while opening."
Maximum points for anyone who can tell me what that was found on
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The Bellend who was looking for 'videos of girls having sex at aeroplanes' has returned again today. What a nincompoop. Why not search for 'nice paintings of swearing robots in cowboy hats' instead?
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Ah Twister, the old realm of British adults in the 80's who really wanted to indulge in group sex but were too uptight to ask for it.
Instead, they drank Gin and Tonic and played Twister, trying to extricate themselves from more and more spine-breaking moves whilst trying even harder to surreptiously hide their increasingly stimulated 'sex bits'.
As a child, it was an horrendously embarrasing thing to be forced to watch. Like walking in on your parents 'doing it', but without all the chains and whips, screaming and hot wax.
Happily, you can now play Finger Twister without all the grunting and trouser straining from the comfort of your workdesk.
Set it loose in an office and laugh out loud at your colleagues trying to break their wrists in order to reach that elusive 'A' key...
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When I was a kid, I used to play with Action Man toys or Transformers. Yea, I used to think I was a pretty tough kid.
But its funny how times change. These days, society is a lot more violent, and kids have got to protect themselves.
I've always said we should start them off young with the skills they need to survive to reach puberty, such as garotting, mixing explosives and advanced knife throwing. Now it seems that John Lewis is taking youngster's 'street education' needs seriously...
In the extremely likely event that the above link is changed or disappears entirely in the next 5 minutes, I've taken a screenshot of what it was like here
Cheers Plasticbag.
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A delightfully tasteful little flash game is on the cards for this lunchtime. Called The Birth Game, the purpose is to see if you can deliver all of your due babies into one of the footballing fathers' prams, as opposed to letting it squelch around on the floor like some sort of fatherless urchin.
This game has nothing whatsoever to do with the British Big Boobed Bimbo - Jordan. Nope nothing at all. I just want to make that clear.
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Here's a thought... what's all this crap about "Foil wrapped for freshness" tea? I just grabbed a couple of bags out of one of those little silver packs and noticed the words "Extra Fresh" written on the outside.
Now I'm not a genius, but isn't tea just a bunch of dried leaves? What the fuck has fresh got to do with it? Tea used to be imported on clipper ships that took months to get here from China. Did anyone complain that it wasn't fresh? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Haven't you ever heard of rampant gibbons?
I'm going to shout at some ducks now... goodbye.
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While we are on a furry topic, visit the truly bizarre Bonsai Kitten project. That should lower the tone a bit...
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For those of you who don't have Webshots on your computer, take a look at today's photograph of a Canadian Lynx... Check out the sideburns on that cat!
Tiddles and John McCririck: Separated at birth? The evidence is clear.
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I don't know why, but there's something fascinating in seeing just how many Entenmann's Chocolate Fudge Cakes and gallon drums of Coke people can wedge into their fridges beside the litres of high fat Ben and Jerry's.
I'd post a photo of my fridge, but it'd be confusing as I live with three other blokes, which obviously lowers the signal to noise ratio of exactly which month old half-eaten sausage on a plate or which semi-liquified lettuce is mine.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Fridge Project.
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Morning Campers!
As our readers have noticed, yesterday wasn't exactly the cheeriest of days here at FJ towers.
So today is going to be a nice sunny cheery day today, a day filled with the joys of life, with bees and birds and candy floss and little gerbil's toes and kites and mites, and sexy ladies tights.
Ahhhhh.
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Is your name Christopher Walken?
No, didn't think so. Ah fuck it! Go ahead and shoot yourself anyway.
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Hilarious and ridiculous ways in which people have been killed in work-related incidents.
They even come with handy illustrations displaying a summary of what happened to the unlucky victim. Now that's a unique job isn't it - fatality illustrator.
Current favourites of mine include crushed to death between wall and JCB, killed by nail gun and run over by tractor:"The tractor's starter button did not work and the safety catch on the gear shift was broken. In order to start the machine, the operator used a screwdriver to engage the starter. When the gear shift engaged, the vehicle lurched forward running over the victim."
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Sandwiches are boring. I've had it up to here with sandwiches. And I'm lumping in all bread and filling related products in to that umbrella of hatred as well, so filled tortillas, subs, foccacia, paninis, etc all get the thumbs down from me today.
Basically, bread can go get fucked, in my honest and personal opinion.
Instead, why not fill yourself with some new and delightful exotic meat treats?
Give me a Lemon and Herb Alligator Stew, Frog Leg Nuggets in Beer Batter, Kangaroo Meatballs or a good Fillet-O-Snake instead.
Don't fancy any of those? Well, there's plenty more delicious oddness where that came from...
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There's a few things that have been bugging me recently. I'm hoping you (yes you) can help me. Maybe if I get the answers I want, then this may turn into a popular feature a la FJ Friday Game. However, the 'FJ Tuesday Important Questions' may not be such a crowd pleaser...
1) How should champagne be stored? Vertical or Horizontal?
2) Has anyone lost a black cat in the Phippsville area of Northampton?
3) Why has Bob got his own website?
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"You will know about Buru Buru Dog, always shivering and wimpy but having cute eyes. Likes Jello very much, but gonna cry if ladybug gets too close."
Indeed. Meet his friend, Koyaino as well:
"A strange dog with a roof on the head. So, never cares rainy day. It protects friends from hot summer sunshine."
Quite. How about Mikanbouya:
"Let's start an exciting story to be good freezed orange! He has big guts to be a good freezed orange that children love. But he hates cold....."
I bet he does if he's freezed. Stupid Orange boy.
Props to the wonderful fucked-up world of CrazyMum
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Last night I saved the lives of six people. They were under attack by gang members who wanted to make an example of them. I managed to infilitrate the complex they were being hidden in, take out a few guards along the way using tazers or gas-laden booby traps, and find the hostages.
I then survived a vicious onslaught of firepower from the outraged captors using a mixture of guile and strength, using split jumps and stealth to creep up on my enemy before grabbing them from behind and pistol whipping them into unconciousness.
In the real world, I turned off the console, staggered to the pub over the road looking like Quasimodo (my back is still fucked). Ordered a very delicious looking pint of Ringwood Forty-Niner and then proceeded to spill, nay throw, the whole bastard thing all over me, much to the amusement and merriment of the entire pub.
And they say games improve your hand-eye coordination. Balls.
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It's another of those compelling tossing games! Don't stop playing until your the best in the office! This time you're a Roman bloke chucking a spear. Tired format - but you just can't get enough of it.
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Ooh, spooky! Among the usual suspects of people finding us through searching for Beckham Popbitch rumour (2 months down the line and people are still looking for it... what the fuck is qoing on???), we've also got what appears to be a Geordie train spotter who wants Metro trains wallpapers.
For those of you who don't know Newcastle or Paris, the metro is what Cockneys would call "The faaakin aaandergraaand!". Whatever our friend was looking for, one thing is clear... This sort of searching is possibly sadder than the Beckham stuff. Life... get one.
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Waste 5 minutes of precious time at work today with this little gem. Is it "Who'd you rather?" or "Who'd you rather not?"?
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Famous Grouse???
I've never heard of him!
A wee dram of friday amusement. After you've agreed that you are indeed legally old enough to play games, there's a link on the main page to the game. Guide the so-called "Famous Grouse" through the air and avoid getting shot by mr Chumborleywarner.
Also, all of the groovy TV ads are on the site, so waste some more of your company's valuable time, unless of course you happen to be a student, in which case... do some fucking work you lazy bastard!
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It's still a bit too nippy to go down the park and play footy, so why not just hone your keepy-uppy skills why you sit at your desk instead? But remember kids... Football is a killer.
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C'mon then, I kow for a fact that loads of you there claim to have mad Photoshop skillz.
Let's see how you do with this then, the Gif or Jpg Kitten Quiz tests your ability to spot which photo of cute fluffy innocent kittens is a gif, or a jpg. Surely even you can handle the complexities of that?
Cheers, as always, to the sublime B3ta, which is looking for donations again. You get a nifty little logo to show you're part of the elite if you cough up some readies for them, along with the knowledge that you're keeping one of the net's most important and valuable irrelevant resources alive.
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Woo and Yay! A spankingly fine Friday afternoon is to be had by all and sundry after the great news that Funjunkie has won the Best Entertainment Blog from the very very beautiful and fantastically successful readers of The BlogBoard.
Flattery aside, we'd like to thank those who voted for us. Those who didn't will have their bribery cheques cancelled in due course and will be physically assaulted by Domokun, who has scary teeth.
And I just don't think we could have done it without the help of our mascot, Domo himself.
Here he is, helping us with the trophy...
 Domokun, busy shining our Best Entertainment Blog Award, yesterday. |
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I've been looking for a nice flash version of that classic Q*Bert for months and months now, and its finally here in the shape of Drew*bert, and with a convenient wintery theme slapped on it too!
In the unlikely event you've never played Q-Bert, then the basic aim is simple, hop from cube to cube attempting to cover the whole grid in green squares. Avoid baddies. That's it. Cuedos to Bubblebathgirl.com for not fixing what ain't broke.
Cheers MilkandCookies
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My, the week has fairly flown by hasn't it? Well, what better way to herald in the weekend by putting your feet up, flipping the bird to the boss, and indulging in our nominations for the Funjunkie Friday Game for the rest of the day.
Without further ado, here's the first: see if your suspicions about your your boss are correct by making wads of cash in this office simulator. Mistreat the workers, sack em all, give them shit computers, but you haven't got much time to do it....
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I have a friend who works in a large cold storage and distribution facility for UK supermarket giant Tesco. The temperature in there is several tens of degrees below freezing and workers wear special thermal suits as they shamble about making the whole place look very much like the eyeball surgeon scene out of Bladerunner.
He told me a story about a bloke who, on attempting to reach a bit too far into a cold store, got his tongue frozen to a metal post as he stuck it out during his exertions.
At that temperature, even hot water freezes extremely quickly, and they couldn't melt the ice between the post and his tongue. They tried everything, but in the end the guy just had to rip his tongue off the post, detaching a good half inch of flesh in the process.
Think that sounds bad? Now reckon on the guy from Stavropol in Russia who froze his penis to a bus shelter whilst urinating.
A whole new world of pain.
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Whoopsy! It looks as though Taz has been doing some modelling again...
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Should you find yourself with a spare 5 minutes today, then you can do now wrong than to head on over this year's Fairvue Bloggies awards page and vote for your favourite weblogs of the year.
Should you so feel inclined, we'll take no offence at you nominating us in the Best European Weblog and Most Humorous Weblog. No, we won't hate you for that at all. We hate you for everything else though, we can smell you from here. Go take a shower for Christ's sake.
Whilst you're busy doing that, could you also make us a bacon sarnie each, a cup of tea, lend us some cigarettes, a little bit of that Mary Jane you've got hiding back there that you thought I couldn't smell and I need my trousers pressed and my shirts ironed.
When you've finished that little lot, there's some weeding out back to be done as well. Oh, and the rubbish needs taking out. C'mon, get on with it. Chop Chop!
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Apparently I am 72% happy. BOLLOCKS. Any one who has ever met me will know that that is absolute bullshit.
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It's a totally useless toy! Let's pretend it's New Years Eve again!
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I started playing Celebdaq just before christmas. I'm now hooked. So are the rest of the office.
What you have to do is trade 'shares' in celebrities. Sounds pretty dull I know, but once you get into it, it's great. It does require patience, and it helps if you read up on how to play.
Currently I'm raking in the cash on Eminem and Gwyneth Paltrow. Go forth and make like a capitalist pig.
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Now, our regular readers will know that like many others, we don't hold no truck with these ridiculous 'donation' sites such as Save Karyn and Help Me Leave My Husband.
However, I take back all the harsh words I've said about these sites, because of one absolute gem. Give Boobs is charting Michel's (pronounced Michelle) attempts to get us, the online community to fund her boob job.
Its shallow, its fickle, but its openly breast related thats good enough to get past the eagle eyed editorial team here at FJ
Cheers The Register
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We, the unjunkified Funjunkies, love a bit of childish humour. We get a kick out of crude jokes and sexual innuendos, mixed in with a few pointless games and a good old laugh at some poor sap who comes up with a site entitled WeLcOmE tO mY hOmEpAgE!!!.
Today is no exception. Because today Taz has oficially struck gold. I give you Drunken Sexual Hangman.
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Strange Ebay Auction of the Day:
"You are bidding on a personal note from my mother to you. This note will be handwritten, and at least one page in length.
Why would you want a note from my mother?
Well-- she's the best mother I've ever had."
I'm strangely compelled to bid for it, bid currently stands at $25. Hopefully she'll send me a homebaked batch of chocolate chip cookies or an apple pie as well.
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Wednesday's award for 404 of the day goes to Bullet for their blatant abuse of a small furry kitten. It's almost as informative as ours
Thanks to Steve for finding that.
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Wow! I bet Prof. Hawking is going to have a great time on his birthday when he sees how much time we've devoted to him today!
I bet he'll really love the fact that dedicated fans of his take the time out to properly document his many and varied exciting adventures. That's true devotion to your idols that is.
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When its shit, its really shit, but thankfully, most of the time The Onion is sublime (but not as sublime as The Framley Examiner).
Let's go see what those crazy Allium cepa madcap fellas managed to find out about our hero of the day, Professor Stephen Hawking.
And, just whilst I'm at it, and for no other reason, here's some irrelevant onion facts.
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The world has gone Steven Hawking mad! I mean, who else alive has so many followers devoted to them? Who else can claim to have a British Association named after them?
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As its good old Steve's birthday today, lets dig out an oldie but a goodie, MC Hawking, scientist, rapper and big bad pimpdaddy-o.
Check out the godfather of the cosmos rappin wid hiz bitcheeees man. BOOM!
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He's not David Hasselhoff - but he's the next best thing. Yes, it's Stephen Hawking, and it's his birthday today. Hurrah! Speak like a robot for the rest of the day in his honour. That's an order.
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I've always wondered how some well known phrases such as "a stitch in time" came about, and the other day I discovered how one of them must have....
Full Story >>
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"Tommy S. Kincaid (Top Secret Kid) is a "latch key" kid being raised by a single mother and thus has become fiercely independent. He has grown to average size, has curly dark hair and loves wearing black.
Tommy is able to use his computer to input information at lightning speed and calculate super-equations that can alter space and time."
Its just as well, cos Tommy is in trouble. Interface is a super bad dude who's warped Tommy into an asteroid belt. Help Tommy escape by setting the angle and speed of his jumps towards the final wormhole back home.
Wait a goddamn bastard second. I thought Tommy could calculate super-equations that can alter space and time? If so, why does he need our help? Gah. Its all lies and hype I tell you. Go play the game, I'm off for a hissy sulk.
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A deer, in a tree. Unusual in itself, but even more unusual when you discover that it was lodged in the crotch of the tree a full 12 feet above the ground.
The story gets even more mysterious.....
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My best friend (who, it should be noted, is a doctor) has posted some strange items in the past. One was an 8 foot drainpipe and another, a rather heavy house brick. After mailing the brick as a joke, he complained to me about the cost of postage. He never actually thought to send it second class... I mention again that somehow this man managed to get a PhD.
To the point though... it seems that somebody has tested out the US mail service in a similar fashion. A long read, but quite a good one.
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'Congratulations! You made Mr. Bump "bump" into the matching car!'
Genius Game... and its a veritable nightmare of skill and strategy.
And when you've had your fill of full on hard core dogems action, there's more here.
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Another one of those strange interactive flash animations...
Clicka Clicka!
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When's christmas? We've just had it? DAMN! I want one of these... When's my birthday? Damn, I've just had it.
UPDATE Just found this helpful comparison. I don't like it in that colour though.
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What a glorious comeback for the Shooting Stars team last night. George's song was great, only surpased by the spontaneous rendition by the money grabbing Johnny Vegas. Didn't Stiggers look confused?
This will make no sense to non UK readers, but who cares?
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I've never seen a finer example of a forum than the BlogBoard Forum. I really haven't. Just take a look, everyone on there is scarily intelligent and mentally agile that it makes me feel puny.
I bet they're all really great looking people too, with would be suitors just queuing up to date them.
Do you think this is enough public abasement to earn a few more votes for the entirely unexpected nomination in the best entertainment blog section?
We're up against some very strong competition folks, with the giant likes of The Ultimate Insult and The Presurfer amongst the other nominees.
Did I mention how great I thought the members of the board were?
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A big thanks to all the crew from Thinkblank, who yet again organised this year's Secret Santa which passed off without hitch, delivering hundreds of pressies to the denizens of blogdom.
My personal thanks go out to David over at Swish Cottage, for being a bit of a dude and purchasing me the Ash CD, Intergalactic for chrimbo and for the nice comments about FJ, thank you my friend.
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Why, it was only 3 days ago (after watching an episode of Alias that I had taped, cos he was guest starring in it) that I was a'wonderin just when the hell Mr Tarantino was going to make another film.
Bing! As if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared and granted me the knowledge of my ancestors, ancient knowledge that opened up a vista or worlds, of light and energy.
Within this labyrinth of light a mystical voice, as heavy as the stars did speak unto me and didst tell me of the ultimate truth, "Kill Bill, starring the sublime Uma Thurman as a Katana wielding motorcycling would-be assassin ninja babe, will be released in the year 2003, go and check out the trailer, for it does rock", it said.
So now you know also.
Sorry, I'm on painkillers for a fucked back and they're tripping me out.
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More stuff for the young at heart (or just the young... depends on which way you look at it). This time its over to Italy where 14 year old scallies are running down old biddies in their super-turbo-charged mini cars.
In honour of this wonderful loophole in Italian law, I have created my own suggestion for Porsche's version of the mini car. I think I'll call it the 0.911
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Ah, to be young again. To stand in front of a web cam wearing a builder's hat, some toilet rolls and a couple of ginger pigtails. To look back on it in years to come and realise how embarrassing the whole thing was...
Gentlemen. I give you... Gerd the Viking.
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Your life is all about your quest for excitement. You like to push the edge, test your skills and jump into endeavors head first.
Hmm. It's strange what you learn from cheese. Oh yeah, happy new year
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The clock on my computer says that today is friday... it also says that its snowing outside, which is staggeringly perceptive for something that is only supposed to give me a reasoably accurate estimate on the current time in my current location.
So to celebrate this wonderful event, we're going to give away some FREE gifts! Yes, thats right... FREE GIFTS!!! Yay! The FREE gifts are in fact links to CRAPPY games! Yes, you read it correctly. Your eyes do not deceive you. We're giving away FREE links to CRAPPY games!
Feel free to show your gratitude by flipping your middle finger at Taz.
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DeathGob
