Send us news / links / sites
|
|
|
Some people have too much time on their hands. No I'm not talking about Reg and Wild, who are currently battling their way through 42 Margaritas and a couple of pints of Guinness. Although, lets face it, they do... lazy buggers!
No I'm talking about a mr Glenn Sacks, who's currently heading a capaign against clothing retailers across the US who stock T-Shirts with the logo "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them!".
Now I hate to tell you this Glen, but... well... we are! I'll be the first to put my hand in the air and admit that boys are indeed stupid. We spend most of our lives playing computer games or falling out of trees and breaking various bones. We can't concentrate on anything because we're usually staring at a pair of breasts. We only ever talk about beer and football, and the only way we ever got through school was by copying essays out of the girls' books.
Boys. Stand up for your rights to be stupid and proud of it. Girls, there's a pile of rocks over in the corner...
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
Ah look at you all... so bored and lonely. So fed up with writing out that proposal for the boss, who's taken the day off because he's just too damned lazy to work. I sympathise with you. It's all so bloody unfair.
You know what you need? You need a hot water bottle, a warm blanket, a cup of cocoa and a nice little driving game to keep you amused for a couple of hours. Is that what you want? Yes, of course it is. That's what you want, you lovely little thing you.
It's just a shame that we've only got this shit one.
Nevermind... you'll just have to carry on slurfing for a little longer.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Funjunkie's favourite Pop Idol, Lord Hasselhoff, has been getting a little frustrated with German bureaucracy recently. After playing a major part in bringing down the Berlin wall, David now wants his photo displayed in the meseum at Checkpoint Charlie.
Next week Funjunkie will be kicking off the campaign to get this recent photograph enlarged and hung on the Brandenburg Gate.
David Hasselhoff with his 'Brick of Freedom', yesterday.
David Hasselhoff: No publicity stunt too small.
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
A short while ago we showed you what to do if a penguin tried to dive on your head. After thousands of complaints from the RSPCBWFBEFNC* and a couple of bricks through our windows, we eventually got the hint.
You want more!
Do I look like some kind of servant who you can just call on every day for bigger and better games? Yes? Well okay then. Let's have some penguin batting with some nifty scoring**. Yeah baby! Now you can see how crap your score is compared to all those other penguin beaters.
Dammit, I'm crap at this!
*Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Black and White Flightless Birds that Eat Fish but Not Chips
**The "New with database" link on the right.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Good morning my happy little slurfing friends. Today is a great day!
No, the birds are not singing, the sun is not shining, and as it happens I'm feeling pretty shite with my bunged up nose. But today is still a great day.
Why?
Because Reg and Wild have fucked off together to go on a sponsored all-day drinking session, that's why. That's right kids, you're stuck with me for the whole Funjunkie Friday. And boy have I got a fun packed day organised for you?
Have I indeed?
Well no.
But you could pass a bit of time playing Connect Four, while I go out and find us something decent to do. I may even set you a task... be ready. I don't want any of you getting a zero score in the end of week test like last time!
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
I've just received an e-mail from the Lomographic Society International telling me that the retro-famous Lomo LC-A camera is to be increased in price from 180 Euro (£123) to 200 Euro (£137) from 1st Feb.
What the?! Already a massive rip-off and they're increasing their prices by over 10%? Jeez. Bag of overpriced cack.
The LC-A had been experiencing something of a revival for sometime now due to its quirky nature and unpredictable, yet beautifully colour saturated results. However, with news that camera manufacturers like Kodak are stopping the production of film cameras altogether to move 100% to digital, this seems like something of a backwards step for me.
Surely a price decrease at this time would take people's attentions away from the digital world and back to the simple joys of cheap film?
For that money, you can buy yourself a 3Megapixel digicam, take as many photos as you like, and just apply the Lomo Photoshop plugin to them to get the same results.
If, despite this, you're still in the market for a Lomo LC-A - make sure you visit auctionhouses like e-bay instead of buying new models. You can snap one up in good condition (they're very well built) for around £30-£50.
p.s. I'm still loving my Lomo longtime, despite the wonders of digital.
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
If you were to launch a new men's weekly magazine, full of TV listings and "Men's Stuff" then you'd probably want to make sure that you could find it from the Search Engines.
Luckily, when we launched Nuts Magazine, the weekly infosplash for squirrels and nut-eating rodents, we did just that.
|
| (comment on this? [13]) |
|
|
Click red square, move to avoid blocks and walls. Die. Repeat.
Just give it a go, it's one of those 'no frills' ones. Thanks to new chief games finder Lal for that one (don't worry mate, I like it).
|
| (comment on this? [15]) |
|
|
Poor old Taz is on his own tommorow. Wild and I will be down casualty with whiplash because we've been mucking around in bumper cars all day. But it's not all bad news. We'll have nurses giving us sponge baths and feeding us grapes, and Taz gets to win the 'Who'll put up the first FJ Friday Game?' competition. We're happy bunnies all round.*
*Human Bunnies, not those VIBRO types.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Phew! Its been a hard slog since the last update! Blustery snormstorms have left our building force decimated, with many workers snowed in and unable to turn up for work.
Still, those that were left showed true British grit and worked through the night to bring you a whole new level to the RootBeer Pyramid of Doooom! Thanks to the gaffer for his amazing leadership and morale-boosting 'talks'
Another unforeseen problem was the Civil Aviation Authority's surprise visit. Apparently the Pyramid has been classed as an aviation hazard and we had to stop work whilst we abducted the inspectors and hid them in one of the cans. What the CAA doesn't know can't hurt it, right?
 A Monumental Triumph of Man over Nature.
We're slightly behind schedule, and we've got the tea urns on turbo - so fingers crossed we'll be able to keep up the pace to get the woundrous pyramid finished in time for the 2012 Olympic Games in London.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
We all love a good sneeze don't we? Of course we do! But did you ever stop to think about where sneezes came from?
Sneezes were actually invented by a victorian named Lef Brenham in 1888. Lef, originally from Finland, had noticed how British gentlemen never facially spasmed, whilst his Finnish colleagues had a wide variety of facial ticks which they could call up at the drop of a hat to amuse and impress.
 Lef Brenham, pictured here with his lovely wife Frank in 1891.
Intrigued and driven by a desire to bring the wonderful world of facial ticks to Britain, Lef started his research in earnest in 1860, and his first success came from the development of a type of hiccupping cough that became all the rage in 1864 but which died out in popularity almost as soon as it had arrived.
Despite this first success, it was to take Lef another 24 years of solid research before he was to invent the common sneeze that we've all come to know and love. Upon its introduction to Queen Victoria, she was heard to have commented, "A peculiar and yet not unlikeable hobby, we approve".
From that point on the success of the sneeze has been legendary; exported by the British Empire around the world it has become the de facto facial tick and become a potent symbol of man's force for good.
Lef Brenham fared less well however. He was quickly forgotten by the industry and died penniless in Chorley in 1911 of dysentery.
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
Richard Herring's not fooling anyone you know.
Christ. I wish he'd shut up about yoghurts. Its getting to the point where its tedious to even the most ardent yoghurt fan. Yoghurts this, yoghurts that. Snore.
Can't he move onto another topic? Like cheese for example. Plenty of life in that one. No, he has to go and flog the yoghurt horse to death, with a big yoghurty spoon. with some yoghurt on it.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
After a pretty much well-deserved lunch break of fish and chips, we finally managed to herd the builders back to the site of what will eventually become the World's most treasured Wonder of the World - the Stupendous Funjunkie Rootbeer Pyramid.
Work has been progressing well. We're on schedule and (so far) under-budget so the management are happy.
 From small acorns do great Oaks grow.
Now we know its not the World's most impressive sight yet - we've hardly had David Copperfield's agent ringing to ask if the magician can make it disappear in front of the world's media, but have patience my friends, good things come to those who wait.
Now excuse me, I have a straining bladder to empty...
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
You know how it is. You're walking down the road minding your own business, when a group of 15 year old kids wearing Kappa tracksuits and lots of fake gold, start shouting obscenities at you accross the street.
We call them Charvers, scallies and Kappa Slappers. You can call them what you like, but basically they're little shits who stick two fingers up to Darwin's theory of Evolution, proving that Survival of the Fittest is just a guideline. Guidelines, like rules, are evidently meant to be ignored.
They drink Diamond White, they smoke Tabs, they hang around outside the local offie asking customers to buy them... well Diamond White and Tabs.
They are ChavScum.
This reminds me of a magazine I used to get called Newcastle Stuff, which has its own decicated scallies section: Charver Watch.
Thanks to fellow slurfer: Kat for the link.
|
| (comment on this? [35]) |
|
|
Fuck Fluffy Sally, our roving reporter from Up North, has just sent in this Up to the minute weather report:
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
With the help of our Auf Wiedersehen Pet stylee gaffer, Stuart, the building of the Stupendous Funjunkie Rootbeer Pyramid has commenced!
 "Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Work continues apace...
|
| (comment on this? [8]) |
|
|
Hey kids! If there's a sure fire way of spoiling a party*, it's by decorating with Suicidal Balloons. They put a dampener on things faster than a bad peanut at a squirrel convention.
*Other than inviting any of the FJ staff
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
As we all know, back in the old days there only used to be one reason for going to McDonalds here in the UK - they sold rootbeer.
Then, sometime in the early nineties, they decided to stop, instantly plunging the millions of now rootbeer-addicted kids into a terrible cold turkey from whence they would never return. It was a heartless act from an cruel multinational monster.
I was one of those terribly afflicted kids. For years I have shunned strong lights, whinced at unfamiliar noises and attacked strangers with my teeth. My skin has become pallid and lost its lustre. The armour-like scales on my back have lost their once-brilliant emerald green colour. My voice has decomposed into the breathy rasp of the insane.
For all these long, long years I have been a soul-less wanderer. A husk of a human. Cursed by unavailability of the once precious rootbeer elixir my spirit has withered into a wisp of pure concentrated spite and malice.
Until now....
 A purchasement of a few sixpacks of rootbeer, yesterday. |
| (comment on this? [17]) |
|
|
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No, it doesn't look like either of those. For fuck's sake, the damned thing doesn't even fly. It's a completely different shape, different colour, different size... different everything! What the hell are you thinking of???
Ladies and Gentlemen... oh and squirrels...
Okay, slurfers... behold the satisfying clunks of the Virtual Stapler. Life just wouldn't be the same without it.
Although it would be pretty similar... very similar actually... in fact the similarities would be endless. So in conclusion, life would be exactly the same whether it was there or not.
There! Are you satisfied now?
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Today's launch on Nuts magazine has prompted huge numbers of Slurfers into visiting Funjunkie, evidently looking for more stories and pictures of Squirrels* and hazel trees.
We're not ones to make our readers wait. The closest we've ever come to a cliffhanger was the day that Wild told us he was going home to cook some eggs.
No, we're nice people**... we give our adoring fans what they want.
*Rats with good PR.
**All of us except for Wild, Reg and Taz.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
I dilligently read EDGE* magazine. I find it to be the only reliable source of information about video games. However, in the most recent issue (No.133), I spotted this:
I felt I had to write in for the first time in my defence.
Dear EDGE,
In Issue 133's Continue/Quit section, you state:
Quit
UK's Sexiest Gamer
Try Hards. Next up: UK's Sexiest Stamp Collector!
I'd just like to let you know that I was one of the UK male finalists, and I have never tried hard at anything. I had a good go at drinking as much free booze as I could, and I was rude to several PR and Marketing people, but these are skills I have acquired over time, and require no effort on my behalf.
Yours Sincerely,
Reg
*The mag is great, the website's bollocks
|
| (comment on this? [7]) |
|
|
The morning has started well. The postman delivered my mail and half a pound of worms*, a queue of Squirrels are currently waiting outside my front door for their copy of NUTS Magazine**, and I read with interest the story about this years Miss Backpacker beauty*** pageant.
On thing concerns me though, and that's the photo for the story... Is the bloke on the right having a crafty Tommy Tank on stage?
"Eee, by eck love, you could do with some deodorant!"
Right, I'm off to do some serious slurfing before the boss gets in.
*I would explain this but its more interesting for all of us if I don't.
**I can even see a couple of red squirrels, although the lager-lout greys look like they're about to kick off on them.
***Ah ha hahah hahahhaha! Yeah, right.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
That's right! From this week on we're the very proud publishers of Nuts Magazine - the best of the week's Branches, Bush (-y tails) and Big Acorns! Designed with Squirrels in mind - its a weekly romp through the upper canopy, bringing you the latest in tail fashions, nut roasts, and how to avoid those pesky felines!
Buy YOUR copy today! Nuts Magazine. Everything you could ever have hoped for - in a nutshell.
 Nuts Magazine - weekly tree gossip and nut listings in a nutshell
Click image for bigger version. |
| (comment on this? [27]) |
|
|
Here at the epicentre of the Slurfing world, we're dedicated to bringing you only the best crap on the internet. That's why Funjunkie will never link to lame excuses for viral marketing campaigns, such as those "What Star Wars character are you?" questionaires.*
Nor would we ever post that our ultimate band name, according to Jack Black's band name generator is Piston Uranus Epidemic.
Its lucky for you that we're this particular about Funjunkie's quality control policy.
*Obviously I'm Darth Vader's mum.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
|
Richard Herring is obsessed with yoghurts. He can't stop going on about them. Bores everyone senseless it does. Along he comes, sits down with his pint and starts banging on about yogurts with more zest than the geek in the 'friendly bacteria ' ads. Honestly, he can't shut up about it. I said to Maureen the other day, I did, I said "Maureen, that young man Herring is completely obsessed with yoghurts." and she says "Yes. He is. Always talking about them he is." And I says, "Maureen, there's no one that talks about yoghurts more than him."
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Dear Eddie,
I'm sorry I forgot to send you a birthday card (again). Here's a block crushing game instead. I hope you like it. It took me ages.
Regards,
Reg
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
I've had enough of this. Drunken Elephant louts are tearing apart the very fabric of society.
They think its hilarious to drink until they puke, then go into town to start a fight. Just thank god that quick-witted humans had the foresight to maintain the electricity net that killed the original Godzilla. If it wasn't for that then we might all be lying squashed flat in the mud - helpless victims of violence in nature.
Hopefully the police have been recording images of the ringleaders and will be banning them from pubs in the very near future. Elephant scum.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
This kid's got The Horn...
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
My humble local football team are taking on some Northerners this weekend. The only reason I care, of course, is that gives me a great excuse of drinking on Sunday afternoon. Not that I need one.
It also gives me a great segway into another crazy battle. Well. You can be the judge of that.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Wow! A smorgasbord of Friday Games today!
Perhaps I should have left this one to tomorrow morning. After your undoubtedly alcoholic excess tonight, you'll feel like it tomorrow.
So you're a construction worker in a Japanese town. Things are going great for you! The Yonishii family have just asked you to demolish their house and build a fantastic new one. You're quids in!
But what's this? Someone's idea of a practical joke was to hurl the enormous steel wrecking ball down the street straight towards you? Idiots! What the hell were they thinking?
Well, whatever. The big fucking thing is cruising towards you at a million miles an hour. You better trust in your Manga-stylee incredible strength and catching skills (with judicous usage of the Spacebar) to stop the ball in its tracks before hurtling it back towards the house its supposed to demolish! Its all in a day's work for your average construction bod.
Cheers for Japanese wierdness to the ever J-aware Blogjam.
|
| (comment on this? [6]) |
|
|
Consider for a moment, if you will (I mean, I can't make you do it. Perhaps you'd rather daydream about tickling the necks of overweight pigeons all day instead. There's certainly nothing I can do about that is there? No, there isn't, you pigeon-fancying freak) what exactly makes a successful game.
All popular games have a combination of a number of elements. The successful mixture of these dictates whether or not the game will be played and enjoyed.
So what is it that you need to make a great game? Well, you can do worse than pick elements from historically popular games.
Now, main thing is we have to have a point to the game. So, lets have a bit of Mario Bros coin collecting. Those kerazee plumbers always knew how to make a bob or two, and they did alright for themselves.
Add a bit of interest? How about a smattering of mind-altering drugs? GTA: Vice City had some great pills that made you go all weird, so we'll have a bit of that. Lovely.
Hmmm What about your main protagonist? Well, animals are always good, and the success of Echo the Dolphin proved that everyone has a soft-spot for our beflippered chums, so lets make him a dolphin.
Which just about leaves one thing, a kicking soundtrack ala WipeOut - and we're done! We've surely got the most successful game of all time on our hands! We've invented Dolphin Dash!
|
| (comment on this? [8]) |
|
|
Blimey, that Taz is quick off the mark this morning. I do have an excuse for being a bit late with my first game though: my tank broke down in the desert. I had to shoot down wave after wave of evil baddies that were coming to get me, before I could change the tyre. If that hadn't have happened, I would have had the first game up. Oh well. Maybe next week.
Ta Lal, you're a trooper.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Not one, but two Funjunkie Friday Games in quick succession. You lucky lucky slurfers you!
This one's doing the rounds at the moment, but credit goes to TTR2 where I nicked the idea from.
Another stupid timewaster: Clay Kitten Shooting II... and hey! Why not complete the series with the original Clay Kitten Shooting?
Yay, woo and indeed Kittens!
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Reg tried to cheat on the First Funjunkie Friday Game of the week competition yesterday, but nobody was fooled. We may be Slurfers but we recognise desperation when we see it!
As long as I can write this at a decent pace I should beat Wild, who's gearing up to post the famous Naked Boxing Nuns game that he found while on holiday in Swizerland.
Today's first game is another one of those race track things. I tried Knugg Rally on the "Easy" mode. After hitting the edge of the track over 30 times I eventually crossed the line about 60 seconds behind the leader.
Fucksticks!
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Good morning Slurfers.
You all know the score by now... we've got this little gizmo that tells us what the last 10 referring URLs were, including (if from a search engine) the search words used.
Now we're no strangers to the bizarre. We've had all sorts of nutters find us over the years searching for information on "How to build a Bomb", or "Wilma Flintstone Nude"... how these searches end up pointing to us is anybody's guess.
Today's lucky punter of the day is the person who was searching for "potato cannon". The fact that we're in the list is quite something, but check out some of our competitors.
"Why not... Build a cannon out of household waste and shoot your mates!"
Why not indeed? Hell, I'm going to build 3 of them, fully automatic, and set them up in front of Wild's laboratory. Next time he comes out for a cup of coffee, WHAM!
Even stranger is the quote from Alan's Models:
"[the motion that comes]... out of an internal combustion engine is rotational, while the motion produced by a potato cannon is linear (straight)."
Thanks Alan. For years I've been trying to come up with a decent analogy for explaining how a 4/ engine works, and you've come up trumps. The only thing left now is an analogy for the Wankel Rotary engine.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
I'm not going to let that sneaky Taz bugger post the first FJ friday game again. He's always up far too early on a friday so he can get one over on me and Wild, but not this week!
I proclaim today as Little Friday, therefore allowing me to get the first game up.
It's a shame that I couldn't find anything better than this dogs in space lightgun game. You have got a USB lightgun, right?
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Roll up! roll up! Laaaaydeees and gentlemen! The brand new Funjunkie Mugs have arrived and are available!
Sporting the livery "Tea #4: Judgement Tea" - these mugs are the ultimate in hot beverage containment and delivery. Simply place hot infusions in their ceramic goodness, and behold! as the patented formula prevents said liquid from flying all over the shop*
Even David Hasselhoff approves**. Speaking from LA yesterday, David*** said:
"I wholeheartedly approve of the Funjunkie Mugs. They are the finest hot liquid vessels I'm ever seen, and I for one will be ordering all the entire cast of Baywatch Hawaii to use them."
 Beautiful Mugs of Love, yesterday.
You too can get your hot sweaty hands on a Government approved **** Funjunkie Mug for the bargain price of just £7 + p&p. That's right! That's less than something that costs twice as much!
Hurry and order one from us today! They make the opposite sex want your babies! Guaranteed!*****
* does not apply in space.
** of scantily clad ladies saving people from drowning.
*** David Jessop, of 34 Grantham Avenue, Epping - on holiday in the US.
**** Government of Haiti, before the coup.
***** All guarantees will not be honoured.
|
| (comment on this? [7]) |
|
|
Green Day once sang "when masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking breaking", then to top it off they sang All by myself, a fine little ballad about the pleasures of self pleasure.
So why are there not more songs about throwing the spam javelin? Where are the one hit wonders about Double-clicking the mouse? Why has nobody written a song called "Empty Tissue Box"? Where are all the Beat the Meat beats?
Oh, turns out they're here.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
Today sees the start of the Chinese New Year celebrations, for the year of the monkey (climbing a tree), 4702.
According to Chinese Horoscopes, our personalities are shaped by the characteristics of the zodiac signs. I was born in the year of the dragon, which makes me a firebreathing* nut with a long tail**.
But surely there's more to this. Buddha throws a party and only 12 of the invited animals arrive, but what about the gatecrashers? What about all the other inanimate items lying around that he could have named years after?
So we believe that I was really born in the year of the Plastic cup. Wild was born in the year of the Beer Keg, and Reg in the year of the Flippo***.
We'd like to hear your suggestions...
*Staggeringly accurate.
**Rather less accurate.
***The uninvited hippo that got flattened by the bouncer.
Full Story >>
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
This week we've been teaching you the basics of science. You've already discovered the optimum trajectory of an unladen Emperor Penguin to achieve maximum distance on the Penguin baseball game. You've also learned that soundwaves cannot travel through a cinema loudspeaker without becoming distorted.
Today we're going to teach you the basics of gravity.
An object (like a spaceship), dropped from any height will experience an acceleration due to gravity of 9.8 ms/s... well they will on your planet anyway. Here on mars its a little different. If we fall over, we drop like a lead ballon and break most of our fingers... still, its all in a days work for Wild, who's been out flying missions over the martian surface.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Joy of Joys! I go home yesterday to discover that there, waiting for me the cat that got the cream, was a little present for me from Amazon.
As I hungrily tore off the lovely giftwrapping I nearly fainted dead away. There, staring back up at me was an album of been wanting for more than ever. An album of such aural delights that ears have been known to spontaneously detach themselves from heads and fling themselves wantonly at the packaging.
Yes, there, grinning up at me from my grubby little hands was the man they call Hasselhoff. The Very Best Of, no less.
My excitement couldn't be contained. I wrenched the CD out of the case and literally whanged it into the nearest available device. After learning that toasters don't play CDs (why the fuck not in this technological age?) I took it out and put in into a proper CD player and pressed play. Truly the music of the gods poured out of the speakers like sonic molten gold. The man is a genius.
I can't recommend his album enough. Buy Hasselhoff. BUY HIM HARD AND LONG.
Thanks for the prezzie go out to Tom Dolan of Blatant Optimism, who is a very nice person. I want his babies.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
I've just come back from Kojak's birthday party*. We had jelly and ice cream, and played pass the parcel.
By the end of all the fun and games, Little Kojey was out of lolly pops. He was mightily upset. Cagney and Lacey had handed most of them out to the street kids, and the nasty Zuma frog had eaten all the others.
Next year we're going to have a five-a-side footy match with the Rod, Jane and Freddy.
*Coincidentally, Telly Savalas was there as well.
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
C Minus: Needs Improvement. That was my score in this test, and generally the story of my life.
I bet little Susie Perkins of Cottonwood, Arizona, who has crocheted more than 14,000 squares over the past 25 years (the world record holder) would be quite good at this. Although she might not be. I'm not sure. Someone phone her up and ask her.
|
| (comment on this? [10]) |
|
|
Picture this in your mind:
You're a penguin, right? You've been sitting on top of a rock all day, happily minding your own business. It's a nice spot up there, you can see for miles around. You're a happy penguin.
After a few hours you start to get bored. It's getting late, the dinner's in the oven and you probably ought to be getting back home before Emerdale Farm starts. You flop down onto your stomach, slide down the rock and...
...meet the blunt end of a baseball bat, swung by a polar bear.
Are you really going to shout"Weee!"?
|
| (comment on this? [12]) |
|
|
We're all pretty keen on pub based sports here at FJ. Pool, darts, tiddleywinks and dominoes are all held in high esteem. But what happens when you're drinking at home, and you have none of the necessary implements to assist you in your pub based olympics?
Well, you just invent a new sport. Such as mutual blonde fisting.
 Available for hire at reasonable rates. |
| (comment on this? [8]) |
|
|
A nice little golf game to warm up us for Tuesday's activities, which will later include: Fish-wrestling, nun racing and the much sought after Best Spanner Trophy awards competition.
This evening will see the unveiling of the new trout, and an energetic recital of Mahler's Seventh Symphony for Kazoos.
Its a fun-packed day ahead I think you'll agree! Look, we've even provided shrimp paste sandwiches!
|
| (comment on this? [6]) |
|
|
And the Funjunkie Soundtrack of the Year award goes to:
The Last Samurai
Last night Curls and I decided to go to the cinema. It's not an infrequent occurence, there's nothing odd about it. Just an ordinary evening's entertainment.
Full Story >>
|
| (comment on this? [17]) |
|
|
This morning I woke up with stiff shoulders and bruises around my ankles. It felt as if I had been chucked down a hill in a wheely bin the afternoon before.
And then I remembered, I had been chucked down a hill in a wheely bin the afternoon before. Sundays aren’t for taking it easy, they’re for Run what you brung, £5 tip challenges!
Full Story >>
|
| (comment on this? [6]) |
|
|
From BBC News Online:
Ok, so what age was she before plastic surgery?
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
We've got some terribly annoying neighbours at the new FJ Towers. They've planted row after row of fast growing hybrid poplars, and now they're blocking out all our starlight. They play Phil Collins until 7.15 at night, and they wear tweed jackets. It's just not on.
To combat their exasperating manners, we've installed a cannon on top of the HQ. As soon as we hear the first strains of "I'm still standing" wafting through the foliage, we whack a few shots in their general direction.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Is it a strange coincidence that the guy who doesn't know what the green cross code is, sent us in this truck crash simulator?*
I think not. That's looking like a direct correlation. Thanks Sick Boy, you're a sweetie. Even if you don't know how to stop look and listen.
*It's a download and install job
|
| (comment on this? [7]) |
|
|
We must be putting a stop to Taz' current run of first Funjunkie Friday Games. Its ever so unseemly.
Anyway, lets press on from his terrible stick load of crap to a proper game. One that affects us all on many levels.
SO you're like this thing right, and you're in the blood stream, only there's a virus there. Gulp! Man, that could be nasty. You wouldn't want a virus to land on your head!
Well, what can you do about it? Run away, you little froglike thing! Run to the big golden pill that's just floating in the bloodstream (a little unrealistic I would have thought).
Its the only thing that can save your life (although an existence solely existing of endless levels where you have to run away from virii seems a bit Dantean to me. If I were you I'd just infect myself with the virus and get it over with.)
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
There's something rather special* about trying to get the first Funjunkie Friday GameTM post up as quickly as possible, even if that means sacrificing quality.
Today we have one of the slowest games in the world. Give me a 3 minute long intro. Give me acheingly slow scrolling. Give me unnecessary score charts. And above all, give me a rather pointlessly slow sequence every time I get to a new level.
Apart from that Twiddlestix is qute a canny game.
*...needs
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Did you know, it's relatively easy to construct a model that demonstrates the Wada property of chaotic scattering with just four silver balls?
Of course you did. You're not a thicko.
If you can't get enough silver balls, a good substitute is Frank Bough's shiny pate. There's only one of them though, and it's 71 years old today. Congrats, Frankie!
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Monopoly. Possibly the worst board game ever invented, and here's why:- It takes forever to play
- It turns people into money grabbing bastards
- Nobody can play it without ending up in an argument
- It is incredibly dull
- It's completely unrealistic*
Unrealistic? Yes of course. I couldn't even buy a car for the values used to buy a whole street in Monopoly, and rent? Pah! What about all of the protection rackets? Why can't you get sent to jail for carrying a gun or car theft, instead of the petty stuff you get on a community chest card?
Oh, apparently you can.
*Hungry Hungry hippos however, is entirely realistic.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
You're looking a little glum today. No doubt you're getting sick of the monotony of day to day life. Sick of looking at the same four walls. Sick of staring out of the same little window with bars in. Pig sick of eating the same old crap, day in, day out.
Even the bird you kept in your pocket has given up hope and committed suicide!
You need to get out more. You need to Escape from Alcatraz.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
|
On this day last year, we were busy little beavers at helping your to successfully slurf by:Now if that's not quality slurfage material then I don't know what is.
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Language. Such a dull and boring thing nowadays. Don't you feel tied down by using the same old rules of syntax and semantics? Don't you just feel like ditching the whole 'English' thing for a while and inventing your own?
No?
How about inventing a new alphabet? One with more flowing strokes of the pen, more umlouts and accents, more calligraphic curves and less rules of use.
No?
Oh well... I did.
|
| (comment on this? [14]) |
|
|
This May Bank Holiday (26th May) will see members of the Funjunkie Crack Cheese Rolling Commando Crew running down a hill after a big wheel of cheese, recklessly endangering life and limb in pursuit of the cheesic dream: To have won first place in the Annual Cheese Roll at Cooper's Hill.
We're organising this early. If you'd like to be part of the team and get to camp overnight nearby with all your favourite Funjunkie heroes - then why not get in touch in the comments for this post?
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Apologies to veggies for the following post. You can stop reading now.
Every morning I walk to work. On the way to work I pass by a butcher's shop. Its a good butchers: they provide quality meat products at low prices. They make their own sausages, the steaks are nicely matured etc etc.
I love meat, me. I don't eat a lot of it - ie I don't eat it every day, but I couldn't live without it. I tried. It hurt too much.
So usually as I pass the butcher I look in the window. At that time of morning, they're usually placing the new cuts in the window display. I can't help but glance in and imagine myself slicing effortlessly through a brandy, green peppercorn and cream coated rare rump steak with my incisors.
I guess that's what they call gastroporn.
A couple of days ago though, as I was looking in whilst walking past, the butcher looked up and saw me looking in and he gave me such a look that I thought he was about to run out of the shop wielding a broom and shout after me "You filthy pervert! Get out of here before I call the cops!"
It was a most distressing experience. Now every morning I have to steal a quick glance at the display out of the corner of my eye - yet I can still feel the gaze of the butcher burning a hole in my skull with his righteous indignation:
"The quality meat products that I purvey will NOT be used for your disgusting and sick fantasties!"
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Good morning fellow slurfers.
Today we shall be returning to the basics of online work distraction by posting some of the most useless timewasters you've ever seen. Gems such as The amazing bearded lady and her pet prawn webcam, or the online tribute to the late great Spike Milligan's Favourite pair of shoes.* Yes, all of these and more... lots more crap for you to peruse at your leisure.
But before all of that gets underway, we shall introduce you to a couple of today's key note speakers:
Firstly there's Papersky, who specialises in small barbershop uniforms for persian cats. Then we have May Pop, which is an online plastic box making company who like to make their employees wear FMBs.
*None of which technically exist.**
**To our knowledge.***
***Which is, let's face it, rather limited.
|
| (comment on this? [6]) |
|
|
I've been ordered to post something, otherwise I'm going to get the sack. What happened to the 'schtop, it's not ready yet' school of posting? Maybe I've been spending too much time in meetings recently.
Nah, you're never going to fall for that one are you. OK, so I've been slurfing* too much.
Without further ado, a non-sequitor of proper FJ standards: A robot arm game.
*Slacking off work by surfing the internet and playing online games.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Hooray for Tuesday, our favourite day of the week*!
Give me a "T"!
Give me a "U"!
Give me a "D"!
Give me a "S"!
Give me a "E"!
Give me a "Y"!
Give me a "A"!
What have you got?
...ah fuck! Who wrote the damn chant?
*Apart from most of the other ones which are infinitely better.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Someone give Diamond Geezer a medal. He's the only one who understands how important things like testing the new-fangled digital BBCi service vs old Ceefax are.
And he's right as well. BBCi is a load of old shit. I can't find anything I want, and what I can find, there's less of, AND IT TAKES LONGER TO GET IT!
Bag of over-boffined arse.
p.s. nominate Diamond Geezer for best British Blog in this year's Bloggies awards. Your 2 other nominations should be Scaryduck (for being as funny as a nun telling jokes in a pub) and Bloggerheads (for being the British weblog that has most impact on the real world). Thank you.
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
Oh man. I've got so many rocks in my back yard I don't know what to do with them. I've thought about breaking them down with a hammer, but that's too much like hard work.
I thought about making a rockery, but then I'd have to buy plants and stuff, and I'd have to start watching all those gardening programmes*.
Hmmm. What can I do with them?
I know! I'll stick a stamp on each one and send them to NASA!
* As opposed to all those property programmes. The 2 together make up 98% of all scheduling.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Yesterday I awoke to find myself in the middle of a situation I would have never expected. I tried to sit up in bed, feeling both tired and fuggy, then slowly became aware of a startling fact... one which I had never before considered... one which could change the way I go about my life forever!
I suddenly realised I was paralysed.
Paralysed from the eyebrows up! All these years and it never occurred to me that I had a problem. Oh sure, so maybe my forehead wrinkles a bit, but that's not my influence. I realise now that there's not a thing I can do with the top of my head. No wonder I can't play football!
I ought to get myself on of those blue disability car stickers, so that I too can go to the supermarket and find that all of the wheelchair access spaces have been used by rich twats in their Range Rover shit shifters. Oh nevermind.
I also thought I'd lost a leg, but then I ordered a recount. Turns out I was actually born with only 2 legs! Imagine that.. just two legs! What's the point? Are you still here? Hello?
Anybody?
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
...and now for a word from our sponsor.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
For years man has been ignoring the signs. Hundreds of thousands of animals, released into the sewers in the 70's and 80's have mutated and grown to ginormous levels and threaten the very continued existence of life on this planet.
Hang on. That's a bit too far fetched, even for this publication.
They're not about to destroy the human race - they're helping to keep the streets clean of detritus! They're helpful mutants!
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
Okay, so you're only 14. That doen't mean you can't drive. I mean let's face it, most kids around Essex have driven several Corvettes and Subaru Imprezas at well over 150mph through built up areas before thy even get to 12, so what's the problem with you?
You think you need to get a licence to drive??? Blimey! What is the world coming to?
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
While Kaiser runs for his life from an exploding Tank, women all over the world* have been out making their tanks stronger and more powerful.
The key to making a tank battle worthy is a good camouflage paint job. The idea being that if you can't find your tank, you can't possibly be killed in it. This year it's out with the boring greens and dull desert yellows, in with the shocking pink.
If you're going into battle, go in style.
*Somewhere in London village
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
A while ago, we unveiled the Funjunkie FJ-01 Destructor Tank Protoype. A tank so awesomely powerful that we had heads of pernicious states queuing up round the block.
Unfortunately, they were queuing for a bus to the pernicious ruler's conference at Olympia and our tank went unsold.
We then tried to sell it to you, our dear and monied readers. It seems our career as international weapons dealer has been put on hold as we couldn't even sell it then!
Hmmm. What's left to do with the tank now that we've lost the chance to make millions off of it?
Why - BLOW IT UP OF COURSE!
 Click picture to download video (1Mb wmv file) |
| (comment on this? [6]) |
|
|
Season two of Girls with Funjunkie on their boobs watch, the suprise success of last year, has just kicked off thanks to Forum regular Trudi:
 A set of jugs, recently |
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
We're getting very slack in our old age. Official appologies go to Stephen Hawking, sorry we forgot your birthday yesterday. A card is in the post. We spent the tenner that was in it.
p.s. We're looking forward to those collaborations with Daft Punk and Kraftwerk. I'm sure they'll be setting the dance floors in Ibiza alight this summer.
p.p.s. Sorry to hear you haven't sold your hot air balloon yet.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
I've got to get in there before the others finish their breakfast, which is why I'm posting the first Funjunkie Friday Game on thursday night! Yeah kids, that's what you get when you've got a huge workload on... eyestrain and an irresistable desire to play web games instead of finishing the job.
Today's gem comes in the form of the Flintstones Bedrock Bobsleddin' Blowout, and it is indeed a gem. I'm biased of course because:- I posted it
- I'm bored out of my tiny mind
Valid reasons I'm sure you'll agree. Now go out there and kick some frozen arse!
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
So there we were, cute little Britain with our cups of tea and our rich tea biscuits and our own names for multinational confectionary.
The one day in 1990, some Brand Marketing bastard for Mars in an office somewhere (probably in a high-tech chrome space station armed with lasers and space dogs) decides that Britain is costing too much because we had Marathon bars as opposed to Snickers bars.
So he decides to change it to Snickers, just to make the Aryan race of confectionary perfect and whole.
For years the emotions that this provoked in the British people have only just been held in check by an elastoplast of national manners, despite the subsequent Opal Fruits/Starbursts debacle.
But all that has now changed. The straw has been placed and the camel's back has been well and truly broken. The wrath of a nation must awaken and destroy, maim, kill, pillage!
And the reason for this uprising? Mars Foods have brought out a new high energy bar. Its name: Snickers Marathon.
Are you deliberately mocking our nation? Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Cheers for the headsup, Snackspot.
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
NEWSFLASH!
We interrupt this advertisment to bring you an important and urgent newsflash that effects the very fabric of our society today! Prepare yourself for some shocking, heart rending news that could indeed change your life forever.
...and now back to the adverts.
Thank you please.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
A smashing gentleman called Egon 'The Cat' Poo Rusher has made some lovely wallpapers. I suggest you take advantage of his generousity and download a few. I'm currently sporting a sporty little number entitled 'duff printer'.
You may like to peruse the rest of the site too, he's got marzipans of wrath in wait. Just put on your smoking jacket first. He doesn't want any old riff-raff.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Look, it costs a lot to run a successful website about nothing. It costs too much. You'll forgive us if we run the odd advert by you to offset our costs, won't you?
|
| (comment on this? [7]) |
|
|
Are your crap juggling skills embarrassing you at important social occasions?
We have a simple solution - become an astronaut! The lack of gravity can make even a malcoordinated fool look like a veritable Zorro* of the juggling community.
*We've no idea why you'd want to slash Z's into your balls, but hey!
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
We interrupt this intermission to bring you an important word from our wonderful sponsors!
Now back to your regular scheduled advertisements...
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Funjunkie will now have a 15 minute interval while we go out for some milk. Meanwhile, here's a message from our sponsor...
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
Ok, Ok, I know you've been clamouring for them, but we've only just received them from the landing craft and the Funjunkie Science and Graphics team is processing them as fast as possible!
What we can do though is show you the highest resolution picture of Mars ever taken! The work that the Opticals team did into packing the lightest yet most scientifically advanced camera in the world is quite amazing, and we've certainly hit paydirt with this shot:
 Mars, yesterday. Note evidence of water erosion of surface features
Mike McConaghey, Opticals Team Director of FASA* said, jubilantly, "We're in shock and awe over the most amazing photos ever taken. I can honestly say I'm moved to tears by the ability and spirit that we show as a nation. I love you all. Have my babies."
More pics will be published as we receive them from the landing craft.
* Funjunkie Advanced Space Academy
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
In my new position of Head of Promotions here on the martian surface, I'm getting inundated with requests from various advertising executives asking if we could endorse their products. Obviously we have the Funjunkie high standards to meet, which is why we'll only put the Funjunkie stamp on the best of the best (see previous posts).
The last thing we want is for you lot to be bombarded with weight loss scams and pretentious fragrance adverts!
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Seen - on the way to work this morning:
 Clicky for bigger
You know, I wouldn't put it past some over-zealous marketing bod to actually be going around in the wee hours daubing his own client's ads with this stuff, so well does it fit the campaign. In fact, what I didn't check and should have done was whether the word 'wank' was actually pre-printed onto the ad.
Still, it made me laugh, even if the drink tastes like filtered cat vomit.
|
| (comment on this? [11]) |
|
|
Its a new year, the geese are all dead and you've all become a little rotund over the past couple of weeks. No matter though because here at Funjunkie Enterprises Ltd. we have the perfect solution to all of your little problems.
Thank you please.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Britney Spears - what a divhead.
This is all I have to say on the subject.
|
| (comment on this? [5]) |
|
|
Ah... we're back. You'll excuse our prolonged absence over the holiday period. No really, you will excuse it, or we'll release into the public domain those snaps of you with your pants down having it with one of Princess Anne's bull terriers. You saucy tart.
So, back to our absence. Well, we make no apologies, as we were professionally involved in ridding the world of the evil booze menace. The fact that you're not drunk right now is largely thanks to the fact that we sank the Good Ship Boozemarck. You can thank us if you like. We do it all for you.
Hope you had a good Christmas and a passable New Year. We're very excited about 2004 here in the Funjunkie Headquarters - as its the centenary of John Craven this year - the fact that he's survived this long is GREAT news.
Things skip along quite nicely from here on our Martian Housing Estate - although we had some fucking satellite thing crash through the roof on Christmas Day. Quite apart from the mess it caused, it drove us all mad playing Blur songs all day. Honestly, the Queen's Speech just isn't the same set to Song 2.
You Earthers are getting a bit carried away with your probe sending at the moment aren't you? Taz is currently out on the Martian surface looking for the Nasa one that landed as well - he says it'll make an excellent coffee table/conversation piece in the lounge.
I tend to agree.
|
| (comment on this? [14]) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
DeathGob
