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Everybody likes children. Whether slowly roasted over a spitting fire, or braised in a giant skillet with red wine and some shallots, they're just the thing for a cold Winter's night. There are many other uses for children admittedly, but here at Funjunkie Towers, food always takes a precedence.
Children eating food however, can be a deeply disturbing thing. Food was obviously invented for adults, and although we all need to eat to grow, it seems a little unfair that it has to be wasted on the kids. Do they appreciate it? I think not. Take for instance, the Demonic Children of the 50s. Did they deserve to be given such delectable treats?
Now that I come to think of it, looking at the state of the food, they were welcome to it. Jamie Oliver would have been proud.
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Much as I enjoy driving around the streets of Bristol (or to put it more accurately, sitting in my Van, waiting for several thousand sets of traffic lights to turn from red to green), it can be a little wearying.
Unfortunately I still don't have a 40 tonne tank, which is a shame. Sometimes we all need to vent a little steam when trying to negotiate our way through gridlocked streets, and surely something with caterpillar tracks, an engine the size of a family saloon, and a fucking big gun on top, would be a little more effective than a squidgy stress ball?
No, we don't have that luxury. Luckily I've found something almost as effective. Blast Billy. There... I feel much more relaxed now.
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Reg is slacking off today. So, what can be more important the the Friday Game?
Perhaps he's pressing flowers or dusting his thimble collection. I know of one thing he isn't doing and that is playing Uber Breakout, a bit like the original except it's uber.
Well it looks like his slackness is rubbing off on the other editors as well, how else can you explain the fact that I've posted a game before Taz? Maybe I should check to see what the wombats are up to, perhaps they have tied the others up again.
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Today is Australia Day. To be honest, that doesn’t really affect us here at FJ Towers, as none of us are Australian, and we all live on Mars. However, it does give me the excuse to post this rallying game, that looks as though it’s set in Australia*.
A pretty tenuous link perhaps, but when has FJ ever been overly concerned with logic?**
*Although if you actually read the instructions, it claims to be Southern Europe & Northern Africa. If you squint a bit though, you could easily be in Oz.
**Apart from that time when we all got stuck on that iceberg with just a set of car keys and a thermos flask. But we don’t like to talk about that anymore.
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There's nothing like a good set of photo stories to keep you amused for a coulpe of femto-seconds. Well, strictly speaking, there are quite a lot of things like photo stories, but we're not fussy. Well, strictly speaking, some of the Funjunkie Towers residents are a little fussy, but what does that matter?
Okay, okay... It matters.
Look, just go and read the damned stories will you! Some of us are busy here and don't have time to settle arguments.
Well, strictly speaking...
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Slip into your slacks and pull on your sweaters, we’re going golfing. It’s not your usual FJ guff either, this time we’re taking you to a proper course. This is surely a contender for game of the week, and we haven’t even reached Friday yet!
Having said that, since there haven’t been any other games yet this week, it might be the only one. In which case, it would automatically be game of the week, but conversely also be the weakest. Of the week.
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Hooray! Master Chef is back.
I can guarantee that there will be the smell of burning wafting through FJ Towers at about 7.01pm tonight, as F*ck Fluff Sally tries to recreate a dish that’s well beyond her capabilities. In fact, I might let the fire brigade know in advance, so they have time to prepare.
I suppose a trip down to the pots and pans shop is in order too. We'll be needing some new ones...
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Taz thinks he's pretty bloody hilarious.
I've rubbed my wrists raw trying to get out of the manacles in the dungeon. I got off lightly compared to Reg though, he had to get the Wombat to chew off one of his ears so he could get his head out of the stocks.
Anyhoo, that's why I'm sooo bloody late getting my game in. Sorry about that. It is a belter though. Special prize for the first person to 100*.
At least I bothered, not like Badger Mushroom, he muttered something about whale humps, grabbed his speedos and headed for the shuttle to London. Your guess is as good as mine.
*A night of pleasure with Reg, just don't tug on his ears too hard, I've only just glued it back on.
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Do you ever wake up on a Friday morning with the urge to blast cute cartoon crocodiles to pieces?
Yes? Excellent, then Schnaapishooter is the game for you, you've got a gun and you get to annihilate a small defenceless croc, what more could you want*. I personally can give or take killing small creatures, but with Schnaapi I'll make an exception. Just don't tell the Wombat I said that.
Schnoo Schnah Schnaapi**......Schnaapi Schnaapi Schnaapi.
* For those of you who don't know, Schnaapi is an annoying yet cute cartoon reptile that's a massive kids cartoon.....it's really really big.....errrmmm, somewhere where a foreign language is spoken.
** A lot more, if I know you lot.
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Ah, good morning my delicious little sea urchins. I can see that you're all pleased that it's Friday (at fucking last), and are waiting in eager anticipation for something AMAZING to happen to your day.
Well don't look at me, I'm not a flippin' miracle worker am I?* Instead, why don't you doll up your PC so it looks hot, glamorous, and downright sexy? Only one person could make your computer HOT, only one man can claim to be all these things and so much more.
That's right, you've got it. Enjoy wallpaper, screensavers, messenger backgrounds and even emoticons from the legend that is the Hoff. Enjoy.
*At my last appointment at the doctors, he confirmed I cannot make water into wine. Bugger
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What could be better than kicking back and de-stressing with a Funjunkie Friday Game?
I'll tell you... Kicking back and de-stressing with a Funjunkie Friday Game involving a Ninja!
Yes, that's right kids. We're fully back on track with the first Ninja of 2006, and it's a good one. Okay, the controls are... interesting. Ignore the insructions in the game because the controls aren't A, D, and J. They are in fact S, D, and space, which took me a while to figure out, but then I'm not exactly the sharpest cucumber in the knife drawer.
Anyway, it's Ninjaman... off you go then.
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...and all at once, order was restored as Taz got in the first Funjunkie Friday Game of the week. It's been difficult recently, what with a very excitable Reg, and an up all hours Dr.Poppyjuice to contend with. But eventually good will always win over evil, the dark will succumb to the light, and two of Funjunkie's finest will be duped into thinking that there's something worth looking at in the dungeon late on a Thursday evening, only to be locked in there for the whole night.
I'm contemplating letting them out this week, but don't hold your breath.
First game comes from the people who brought you some other stuff, which is nice. You play the role of this kind of thing, and sort of like, well, stuff happens, right? You have to do some other stuff to avoid, well, you know. Then it all gets a bit, like, well... and then you die. All in all it's a pretty good game really.
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Yeah yeah yeah, I know it’s not Friday, but you can have a game anyway. It’s not like it’s a particularly good one. It might keep your attention for, oooh I don’t know, maybe 0.00315 femto-seconds?
Avoid the blocks, post your scores in the comments box, and say thank you very much to Johnny X for sending in the link to FJ HQ.
Come back tomorrow and we might have something more exciting for you to play. Of course, we’re not guaranteeing that. No siree, not on your nelly!
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Oh dear.
We’ve got a hostage situation. Unfortunately for those who have been captured, they’re going to have to rely on you to get them out. The wombat, who would normally deal with this type of situation, is having a bath. There’s a sign on the door saying Do NOT disturb, so I’m not going to bother him.
Taz, who would be second in command, is out at the corner shop. He just ate the last of the non-branded chocolate mini rolls, so he has to replenish the stock. I would of course go to the aid of the hostages myself, but I’ve just got a new brew, and Taz will be back with the cakes in a minute, so I better stay in.
So pick up your semi-automatic and your flak jacket and go and save some innocents!
Oh dear, they’re screwed.
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Here at Funjunkie we're not usually ones to promote political correctness, but we'd never stoop so low as to tell you a bunch of jokes involving social stereotypes. Nob gags are fine, but you can't go around harping on about the antics of Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen on such a professional weblog without getting into some serious legal wranglings. Believe me, we've tried it before and it hasn't gone particularly well, mainly because we couldn't understand the Cease and Desist letters. All those latin words... it's enough to give you a migraine.
Having said that, we couldn't pass on the opportunity to let you in on the (supposedly) Best Blonde Joke Ever, so you can expect to see us doing the stand up comedy circuit any time soon.
Laugh?
No, not really.
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It all started off, as so many things do here at FJ Towers, as a stupid joke* sent in via email:
You’re such a Spacca, I bet you even listen to Spacca …but in the interests of journalism**, I decided to download their sample track. And guess what? I’m definitely now a Spacca who listens to Spacca! Try it, you might like it***.
*And admittedly, it was a great joke
**Rather than just the normal guff you get around here
***If you don’t, then get back to your rare pink vinyl Enya 1989 gatefold album, you deaf Joey
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I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but it’s Friday the 13th!!! All hell has been breaking loose in the FJ warehouse this morning. We’ve just received this video from the factory floor, and it’s not pleasant viewing.
WARNING: Contains extreme gore. But in a funny way (don't worry, it's there, just bear with it for a few minutes).
Thanks Gerbil, you sick puppy
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Violence is afoot today here at Funjunkie Towers, which isn't surprising or unusual since we all live together in one big mansion. Big as it may be, there's still not enough personal space for 6 editors, our respective partners, and the worst tempered Wombat that you'd ever have the misfortune to meet.
It's not that we don't get along, it's just that we tend to start the day off badly with the large queue for the single bathroom. I say single, but of course a mansion really has 3 bathrooms. Unfortunately 2 of which have been bagged by the Wombat, and nobody's going to argue with that.
Still, it does mean that we get plenty of time to search for online games while we're waiting for our turn in the shower.
FFGIII, and it's another violent battle between... er, cats. Enjoy.
The game should start in a new window, so check your popup blocker if nothing happens.
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Dr. P claims to have come to Mars to do a contract killing, but the real truth is far less glamourous. The real reason was that he was escaping the familys of all the people he had killed. You see, he was rather slapdash in his defibrulation technique, and he accidentally popped off a few patients.
Still, I expect you'd be no better. And you didn't have to train for about seven years, and pay thousands of pounds in fees to find out. Consider yourself lucky.
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Ah, the glamourous life of an international assassin, how I miss it.
Films such as Leon, Nikita and Grosse Pointe Blank show us all how exciting and sexy it is to kill for money.
Unfortunately, when I arrived on Mars to whack Reg, there was a glitch with the payment* and I made the classic mistake of feeling compassion for the target**
So now I ply my trade in the basement lab patching up the wombats and trying to keep F*ck Fluff Sally rehydrated, but every now and then I take a walk down memory lane, Won't you join me?
*Something about saving up for nappies
**Plus he cried and blew snot on my shoes
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We all know how important it is to place items on a sleeping cat. Cats are some of the most vicious animals on the planet*, and given an outside chance they'd enjoy nothing more than spending a couple of seconds ripping your eyeballs from your head. The number of cat related deaths in the UK alone last year was significantly more than those caused by faulty dustbin lorries. That's how incredibly dangerous cats are! And yet millions of us keep cats as pets.
Why?
Because we're adrenaline junkies. We love pushing our luck to the limit, and just when you'd think our luck is well and truly stretched beyond all possibility, we'll come back and taunt a sleeping cat by placing inanimate objects on it. Brown trouser territory? You'd better believe it!
*Although they pale into insignificance when compared with the common Wombat.
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Distractions when you're at work are the greatest things known to man, which is probably why you're here. Funjunkie of course is not the greatest thing known to man, which is why we can get away with posting the most useless junk that the internet has to offer.
Call it scraping the bottom of the barrel if you will, but we think we've found something to keep you mildly amused for at least 3 femto-seconds.
Guess the Celebrity Love Child. It's more entertaining than throwing meat cleavers at your boss, guaranteed!
Thanks to Funjunkie Forumoholic Johnny X for finding us that one.
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After spending last night rampaging through Funjunkie Towers trying the capture Ferdinand the juggling wombat, I feel in need of a good drinking session tonight........... no surprise there really!!!!!
Anyway, I'm sure the rest of you will be doing a very similar thing this evening and this game will get us all in the mood for propping up bars later.
Drunk Klunk, drink as much as you can and try and stay sitting on your bar stool.
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For Christmas, the Missus bought me a copy of Egg Bacon Chips & Beans by Russell Davies. Now it’s not often that FJ officially endorses something, but this should become compulsory reading for any respectable Funjunkie.
It’s a really terrific book, not only about... Egg Bacon Chips & Beans*, but the whole cafe culture of Britain as well. It even makes comparisons of sauce bottle arrangements to Tron. That’s how good it is.
Anyway, this isn’t just one long advert for a book. The whole thing started off as a website, which I can recommend you visit**. Although admittedly, the book’s better (no offence, Russell).
*Obviously
**I hope you've already eaten this morning
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An unusually late start from us here at Funjunkie Towers today, which is mainly due to to the fact that BeccaG spent the whole night chasing the Wombat around the house after forgetting to lock the cage last night. The noise was tremendous, so none of us got much sleep* and the butler will have to work double shifts for a week to clean up the mess.
So bleary eyed and groggily I step up to the Funjunkie Friday Game podium, but with a light spring in the step**. Game one should keep you happy for most of the morning. It's about courage. It's about a battle of wits. It's about dexterity. It's about a distinct lack of cheese. It's about twenty to ten, and I probably ought to get to the point.
It's about a BMX. Enjoy.
*Except Badger Mushroom, who has been known to sleep through a whole night of Wombat gangland warfare that went on in the back garden, when the night was disturbed by several large scale explosions and the removal of half the roof.
**Which will probably have to be removed surgically.
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A long long long long time ago, before the rain, before the snow… well, back just a few days in December, we ran the FJ Advent Calendar 2005. Glorious riches (the last ever FJ Hot Beverage Container – a.k.a. Mug) were promised for the favourite picture sent in, as chosen by the editors.
Full Story >>
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Another year been and gone, and another set of imbeciles denied their mother-given right to pass on their genes to the next generation of imbeciles.
It may not be new, and we know you've seen it all before, but even intelligent Funjunkie readers need a reminder every now and again. So if you're still feeling a little like the holiday was about 3 weeks too short, and perhaps trying to find more distractions which allow you a little amusement without revealing the fact that you're not actually doing any work, you might want to wander up to the shallow end of the gene pool and have a look at the latest casualties who managed to drown in less than an inch of primordial soup.
The 2005 Darwin Awards. It should keep you amused through the lunch break.
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
