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It's still a bit of a shock that a FJ monkey like myself gets to organise a club night.
You can read the 'behind the scenes' review of the Magic Roundabout over at Music Central.
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You have to save the universe from an invading army of wireframe boxes! What are you equipped with? Blue lines of course!
Just play it, it's far too wierd to explain, but pretty easy to get the hang of.
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I'm a video game fan, and I quite like fighting games. Firing up the Dreamcast for a bit of Soul Calibur is always good for a bit of time wasting.
However, it has never once crossed my mind to try and emulate the characters that I play.
These guys, who are into hard-core fighting game King Of Fighters, not only dressed up as their favourite characters, but decided that they'd try out a couple of special moves. We're talking flaming uppercut style moves. Flaming uppercut, then legging it into the sea because you're on fire style moves.
Click on the blue links above the RealPlayer links to view the videos. Madness.
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She may not have been able to attend the 44th Magic Roundabout in person, due to not being able to afford the trans-atlantic bus fare, but FJ regular Tammie was there in spirit (vodka, I think).
 Tammie, getting her badges out
Good work lady fella!
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If you've not read the story of Taz and Curls the Cutter yet, check that out first (below), before finishing off your morning with a short photo diary of out-takes. Note the important role that alcohol plays.
Full Story >>
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The story of Taz and Curls the Cutter...
Full Story >>
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Wasting no time in rushing this in like some sort of seasoned war journalist working to deadline despite being pissed beyond belief, FJ hero Munkybrain has delivered the first report of The Magic Roundabout club night that kicked off this weekend.
Go have a read.
Were you there? Feel it went differently? Perhaps you had an incident involving blood and tears after an escaped mental robot attacked your village and you feel The Magic Roundabout should stop promoting these evil metallic scum?
Whatever, send us your views!
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 See you tomorrow! |
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Simple. and as addictive as licking frogs.... OR IS IT?
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Someone remind me to use the apathetic weblog generator next time we have a slow Tuesday here at FJ (which is nearly every Tuesday isn't it?).
Cheers Off On A Tangent.
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Wow, a whole bunch of games all at once! You must have been good children this week!
I've gone to the bother of trying each single game before posting this, and may I recommend you try the cool crisp discus to test your speed and acuracy (I'm getting about 72m), or maybe you'd prefer a cheeky little game of field goal?
I do think sir and madam would like the baseball as an apperatif. Tricky, but sweet.
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No fireballs, no fast paced matching up... so what does my entry for the FJFG have? Well, for a start, it's really relaxing. Secondly, the music is really nice, and thirdly? It encourages greed. Eat those lil' fishies!
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The very thought of wrapping Roy Orbison in clingfilm makes me go weak at the knees. I mean, who wouldn't find themselves overcome with emotion when given even the slightest opportunity to do so.
Ulrich certainly does."Roy Orbison walks inside my house and sits down on my couch. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day. Presently I say, 'Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?'
'By all means.' I cannot see his eyes through his trademark dark glasses and I have no idea if he is merely being polite or if he genuinely has an interest in cling-film.
I bring it from the kitchen, all the rolls of it. 'I have a surprising amount of clingfilm,' I say with a nervous laugh. Roy merely nods.
'I estimate I must have nearly a kilometre in the kitchen alone.'
'As much as that?' He says in surprise."
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Here's another nomination for this week's Funjunkie Friday Game. Unlike Taz' previous effort though, this one requires no thought whatsoever, something that should please you all.
Sandra is a witch. Unfortunately, the peasants in the castle she lives don't hold witchtrials by ducking you in a pond until you drown. Oh no, that's so passé.
Instead, they shove you outside the castle walls and let the bouncing cannonballs of death attempt to turn you into a sandwich. (Sandra Witch, sandwich, how very clever).
Luckily, Sandra is a manga stylee babe and has Ryu style fireballs to defeat these instruments of ensquishment. Just hold down your mousebutton and let go to fire. Holding the mousebutton down for longer gives you faster fireballs, an obvious point that they never seem to teach at Hogwarts.
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Taz's first nomination for Funjunkie Friday Game of the week is Carnival. Like bejeweled, but different. Sort of in a Not really the same kind of way. Dissimilar.
Spongey.
Not Fishy.
I give up... what was the question?
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Well judging by your shares portfolio...
...the signs aren't very encouraging...
...in my professional opinion...
...
...economically speaking...
...
...well basically...
...
...
...you're fucked!
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Oooh! New toy has arrived today at the FJ, a brand spanking new Nikon Coolpix 5700 digital camera.
By eck lad, its nice.
Here are a couple of images taken with the camera straight out of the box with 2 minutes to spare in the office car park and with no settings changed or anything and no tripod (so a bit blurry) - just turned on and fired.
And guess who was my willing model for this experiment? None other than Lord Domokun himself!
Click on the images to see the full version. Careful, they're very very large files.
 Domokun scaring the birds, yesterday (721 Kb!) Argh! (500Kb!) A flower, check the macro dude! (198Kb!) |
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Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Kay for getting a brand new baby this morning. Couldn't you have booked the stork to deliver it a bit later though? Lucky I was still roaming the streets at 3am, otherwise you would have woken me up!
Since Friday's child is loving and giving, I'll have a Gameboy SP please, which launches today. I don't know what the kid is called, but maybe you should consider Zelda, in honour of the new Link adventure, which conveniently comes bundled with the new SP that your getting me.
Oh yeah, I'm meant to be fair of face... so that's a load of bollocks then.
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Si seniore derdego.
Forte laures inaro.
Demarent laures, demar trux.
Fulov causan hensan dux.
Taught to me by my dad
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I'll level with you... I haven't the faintest idea what you're supposed to do, or how you're supposed to do it in Killer Cannz. But what got Taz's interest this morning was the fact that I managed to get the wee beastie to fly away from the street... he's been rising up like a demented angel for the past five minutes, and I can't figure out how to get him back down to terra firma.
One day and counting before I get an effigy of Domokun shaved into me bonce...
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Albatrosses. Big fuck off scary bastards. Really, they are.
If you live anywhere near the coast you'll know what I'm talking about. They're much bigger than you realise, especially when you're being attacked by one.
Yes, this morning I was attacked for the second time in as many years by an outraged winged dinosaur.
Why it was outraged and why it was attacking me no-one fucking knows, but it amused all the commuters in their cars as I was dive bombed time and time again with great vengeance and furious anger from a great height by the white bastard. Its seriously scary, those things could easily kill you if they hit your head with their beaks at high velocity.
They say that its incredibly good luck to be pooed on by a bird. In my experience thats just a load of crap that only succeeds in ruining your day.
Luckily, due to my elite ninja training I managed to dodge the bastard's chemical warfare by the slimmest of margins and escape.
Now that's good luck.
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There's not much I can say about Clifford's Cat Hats "The Cat Hats everyone has been waiting for...
". Presumably everyone except me and anyone I know, but who am I to judge? At least the whole thing's not about making cats into hats, which is more likely to be the topic of conversation at Hats of Meat.
Bollocks to it, lets just play Jamie's Smackdown.
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We haven't had a lander type game round here for a while, lukily Milk & Cookies is back after a short break to provide us with one. Phew!
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Bash.org is great. Its an archive of witty, ridiculous, sublime and trashy online conversations conducted on that bastion of the underworld, IRC.
It can be geeky at times, but then irc always attracts the geeks - but don't let this detract from its pure comedy brilliance. My current favs are:"EchelonOverlord: Jeni's gonna come watch Usual Suspects now.
Morwen K: ooh! has she seen it before?
EchelonOverlord: Nope.
Morwen K: coooool
EchelonOverlord: Oh yeah.
Morwen K: i'd invite myself along but i'm sure this is your together-time, so i won't intrude ;)
Morwen K: plus i'd probably blurt out "it's kevin spacey!!!" like halfway through
EchelonOverlord: What?! Kevin Spacey?!!
Morwen K: ..
Morwen K: fuck"
and
" man, if i could shoot lightning from my balls, well, that'd be pretty cool."
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Phrases and words you don’t hear so much nowadays:- Give you a tinkle – I’ll phone you
- Go down the boozer – Visit the pub
- Durbrain – Idiot
- Nincompoop – Idiot
- Wotcha – Good Morning
Some of these have passed out of use because they are rubbish, but I think there are certain words and phrases that need to be re-introduced into the English language. ‘Boozer’ is number one priority. What else?
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FJ can finally confirm that the sightings of robots on the streets of Northampton are true. If you haven't heard why they're doing this, then get your head out the sand.
p.s. The Magic Roundabout are looking for people to do reviews of the club to put on the Music Central page. If you're going, why not practice your web journalism skills*, and tell us how it all pans out. You don't have to be complimentary about it...
*No qualifications needed.
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Famous D.I.Y influenced song titles that were changed at the last minute:- Nirvana: Smells like white spirit
- The Police: Don't sand so close to me
- Led Zeppelin: Good times bad wallpaper paste
- The Beatles: Happiness is a Rivet Gun
- Radiohead: My iron wrecking bar
- The Doors: Light my blowtorch
- Rod Stewart: Toolbags and oil rags
- Eric Clapton: My father's Bosch hammer drill
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Meet Mr Toast. He lives an ordinary life, just like you or I. He likes to do a bit of DIY, and he works as a postman.
Make sure you don't deliver letters down my street, otherwise I'll kidnap you, butter you up, spread peanut butter on your backside and munch you to death - you freak!!!
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War isn't just about guns and bombs and death and dismemberment. Oh no. Its also about information: how to get the information and stop others getting it.
In these dark times coded messages are rife. Fortunately, Cryptographever helps us civvies see what dark deeds are being performed in our name. Simply enter some text from a Gov website and it returns whether or not it contained a coded message.
I tried this seemingly innocuous press release from the MOD about WWI.
It contained the following encrypted message:
"John Dreams"
John dreams? Someone called John is sleeping. Sleeping is mafia speak for dead. John.. John.. John Simpson, BBC reporter!
Shit! The British have assassinated John Simpson to stop him reporting something he discovered!
Cheers Bloggerheads.
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Taz needs some sheep shears...
Full Story >>
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...and then the pizza faced little runt said:
"Its just like a photocopier really... except the paper's more expensive!"
Ah, how we laughed when we gave him his P45.
So yeah, Taz is back. I'm sorry about being so late. My cat puked all over my homework, then an alien landed on my car's roof and prevented me from driving to work. Plus, I'm suffering from a severe case of Guinness draft. I also left my apple-for-the-teacher on the bus. Sorry.
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"Experts say a reported UFO sighting in Norway was probably an electrocuted cat." The fools. Did they not stop for a second to think that that's exactly what the evil extra-terrestrial invaders from Jupitus Majora in the Cycladaen constellation would want them to think?
They've had to get clever in the field of invasion craft ever since the Roswell crash. If they landed in such a ship these days, Black Ops would be all over them before they knew it. By travelling through space in what appears to a human observer as a dead cat, they're cleverly ensuring that the entire human race will shortly be subjugated to their evil will.
Of course, travelling in a cat means that they had to minaturise their platoons of soldiers, which doesn't make them very threatening. But its ony a matter of time until they create a massive cat to invade in, and then we'll be in trouble, you mark my words. Yes.
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Situation last night: A mate comes round to my house. He brings with him two cans of beer that I had previously left round at his place. Which is nice. The question is, what are the rules of engagement with left alcohol? I think there needs to be some clarification.
e.g. You go to a party. You take a bottle of wine / some cans of beer. At the end of the night, if you forget to take them, do they automatically belong to the person who had the party? Is it rude to just take them back if you haven’t drank it, and what happens if you have got, say, half a bottle of wine? Things get even more complicated when you throw spirits into the equation. Do they have different rules because they are more expensive? It’s all a veritable mine field!
What I generally end up doing if I am the ‘party holder’ is that I keep the said beverages for a while in the fridge; about two weeks, and if the rightful owner hasn’t claimed them, or I haven’t seen them in that time, then I drink them.
Full Story >>
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What at first seems like a simplistic toy to deface George Will you give me 70 billion dollars Bush, actually turns into a rather sophisticated outlet for creative anti-war expression.
Have a go at defacing the president, then take a look at the gallery of 'popular defacements', they're very good.
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Poke Alex in the eye. Simple. Exactly what it says on the tin.
Train your eye poking skills from the Autopoke, right through to the Poke Alex in the Eye: Platinum Plus Poke Pro: Deluxe Executive Edition.
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Shurely shome mishtake?
*Hic*
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We've had our first reader music review from FJ regular Jim who went along to see those fine hip hop fellas Jurassic 5 a few weeks ago. You'll find it in our brand spanking new Music Central section of the site.
Its a good read too! Nice one Jim.
Remember, we want your reviews on anything music related! From Blue to Beethoven, Anthrax to Avril Lavigne: gigs, albums, stories, furtive groupie fumblings backstage, we want your views on it! Send stuff to the usual address.
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Don't you just hate it when you're flying through a tunnel in your little space craft when suddenly great big red boulders start flying at you? I do. I also hate games where they put a reverse on your vertical movements, so you go up when you press down and vice-versa.
Having said that, Cave Hunter is worth a few of your earth minutes, but be warned, it's 'rock' hard.
See what I did there? Rocks, asteroids, geddit?
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Forget about your cat and its weak bladder, the hot topic that everyone's discussing today is who would win in a fight: Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan? (assuming Bruce was alive today that is).
Would Bruce use his one-inch punch against Jackie and blast him out of the arena? Would Jackie make use of handy items of scenary and smack up Bruce about the head with a discarded bucket and then impale him on the mop handle?
How about Jet Li? What sort of impact would the heir apparent make on the fight with this youthful vigour?
Who would make it safely through the Battle Royale to face the terrifying end-of-level-baddie Lord Domokun in the final?
Questions. Questions.
 Jackie and Bruce square up under the supervision of Domo, yesterday. |
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Here's another chance for all you comedians out there to add a caption to this week's image!
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Had enough of evil thieves stealing your bike? Feel aggrieved that the geezer who nicked your car has been sent on a gruelling 2 week 'correctional' stay at the Holiday Inn, Tunisia by the Legal System?
Get your own back by implementing one or more of these simple revenge devices.
Actually, don't. It would be illegal and immoral to take the law into your own hands. Send a team of crack wombats to do it instead.
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The deadline has passed, and everyone who could be bothered to enter has won! Check out all the illustrious entries here...
Full Story >>
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Bonjourno fans! I ended up going to Alghero on my suprise dirty weekend! Where the heck is that, you say? That's what I said too! It's a small fishing town in Sardinia (the Italian island that isn't the one being kicked by the boot).
So here's all the bits you want to know: very sunny, 12% beer that didn't taste like marmite, graffiti saying 'Sex, Drugs and Polka', Pasta, Pizza, Siestas.
Full Story >>
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The world appears to be full of pointless violence today, so it won't make a great deal of difference if we find you a little more... especially since ours includes random nakedness! That's right people, yet again its another round of Russian Roulette, but this time you get to bet your clothes on it. Obviously this sort of thing goes on all the time in your local casino... We suggest you stick to the one arm bandits and the odd night out at Spearmint Rhino.
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Yay, its Friday, and if I may, I think I'll just say, the weather is slightly grey.
So, childish poems aside, lets see if we can cheer you up with all the mindless entertainment you need for the few hours before booziness.
First up is Strongbad's Trogdor! game. Stomp on the villagers taking care not to be touched by the knights. When you've flattened enough peasants you get to Burninate the village! Woo!
Also, here's the episode of StrongBad which explains the whole Trogdor thing.
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They'll let any bugger into the armed forces these days.- * "Do you want to get shot for your country, private?"
- - "Sir! Yes Sir!"
- * "You're in."
But honestly, would you be willing to put a loaded AK47 in the hands of this man?
"They razzed me for three months to no end"
No shit, Sherlock. (Thanks Steve for finding that)
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Oddball band Junior Senior took Top of the Pops by surprise last week by managing to get past the style nazis in charge of the UK pop industry and perform addictively catchy songs whilst not looking like something that just stepped out of a salon. Quite refreshing I thought.
They also have a great lo-fi website complete with cool pixellated games such as Game A, where you control a squirrel who's having to collect 8 sticks of dynamite whilst beating off zombies, birds and robots with your, ahem, 'hot nuts'.
Great stuff.
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Following on from our highly intelkshul, intellukitewal, clever conversation in the comments of an earlier post, here's a review of Nestlé's Munchies.
I have to admit I'm not in entire agreement with the reviewer. In my mind, Nestlé Munchies are incredibly moreish, especially after a good smoke.
Mr. Nestlé, when's the cheque arriving? I need the money for promoting your overpriced goods to maintain my ramshackle death robot monkey factory.
Oh. Is the microphone still on?
Bugger.
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No, we're not in the least bit surprised about being at war (which is, as Wild so eloquently put it, a major fuck up the arse for peace), but something entirely more worrying!
Today the funjunkie dressing room was silenced by the terrifying news that some Wombats may not be the ultimate power we all thought! Certainly not these ones, no sir-ee bob.
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Ah, what a beautiful morning. Powerfully hoisting itself further up into the sky with every passing day, the prodigal Sun pushes down a ghostly morning heat haze that brings delicious whispers of the anticipated Bournemouth beach summer: of suntan lotion, the faint hush of the waves on the shore, of warm light evenings snacking on tapas, sipping red wine and laughing with friends.
Crisp hints of empowerment, of a new hope and strengthening will to cast off the shadows of winter into dark abandonment dance through the mind like fireflies in the soft dusk.
At last, everything seems ok, and people in the street start to smile again.
And then I remember that we're at war, and my country is killing thousands of innocent people.
And that kinda fucks the whole thing in the arse quite frankly.
I think I need a good dose of Kittens to cheer me up.
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Just a reminder: the Magic Roundabout competition will be ending on Monday 24th March at 1pm, so get your entries in over this weekend. I expect a full mail box by the time I get back from my mystery trip abroad, otherwise I won’t give you your duty free.
So far there have been nine whole entries, so if you do enter, you have got a very high chance of winning (since there are eleven prizes). Heck, I may even be feeling generous and warm hearted after spending a bit of time away from computers, and I may say ‘to hell with it, everyone who entered can have a prize’, but it might rain, so I’m not promising.
Take it easy on Wild and Taz while I’m out, they can’t handle much abuse.
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As we all surely know by now, Wombats are deadly, vicious beasts that flip out all the time and will kill you without a thought.
We here at FJ HQ recently managed to capture some footage of one flipping out and destroying everything in sight from one of our spies in a densely wombat populated region. Careful, its not for the faint of heart.
He nearly lost his life getting this report back to us. Gentlemen (and ladies), we must be on our guard, they may strike at any moment, and judging by this evidence, we're severely underpowered in terms of any ability to fight back against them.
I fear for our very lives.
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Enough talking, lets have a wee game to take our minds of all that delicious chicken we're going to be eating tonight.
Penalty shoot-out games usually suffer by only giving you side of the shoot-out from the perspective of the taker. Hey, how about this - Mardis Gras Shoot-out pits you against a computer opponent both as striker and goalkeeper. Hurrah!
Sadly, its completely lacking in chickens, which means I give it a 4 rather than a 5 out of 5.
Cheers The Ultimate Insult.
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If only everyone in life were as quick off the mark as Jonny Clark.
**Funjunkie Promotion**
Why not try some chicken for your meal tonight? Delicious and healthy and quick to prepare too!
Out top recipe: fried chicken and cheese sandwiches. mmmm delicious, and it'll make you popular too!
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Scant attention has been paid to the fact that it is Poultry Day today, a fact that I paid homage to by having chicken for lunch (one of the delicious and healthy Steam Cuisine products from Marks and Spencer - Mustard Chicken, New potatoes, Spinach, Leeks and Mustard Sauce, £3.29 - yummy).
I digress.
Today should really have been Monkey Day here at FJ, as the left hand side bar is trying to tell me through subtle hints.
First we have one of my favourite google referrers for a long time: Monkey Bollocks, and secondly, the news panel tells us that monkeys are trying to turn the world as we know it into one big squelchy banana smelling shagfest.
Does that count as a weapon of mass destruction?
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Smoking Tabs gives you cancer. Not many people will argue with that.
The lastest government campaign is a little bit more controversial, and seems to be aimed squarely at a target demographic of male FJ readers. Yes, even you Dave Mash...
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Another entry, and the quality is still pretty high
Full Story >>
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You think you've got problems at work? You probably don't want to apply for this then.
It'll probably get changed soon, so I've taken a screenshot just in case.
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Two brand new competition entries, and they're hot contenders for the top spot...
Full Story >>
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Hey Guys and Gals, the review of the Red Hot Chili Peppers gig at the Manchester Evening News Arena is now up in the Music Central area of the site for your perusal.
Remember, if you've been to see a band recently or you've just bought an album that you love and you want to tell people about it - send it in! It can be about anything at all, and yes that even includes Coldplay (although it pains me deeply to say so).
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Lesson of the internet number 345: If you're going to admit to a strange sexual fetish on a notice board, for god's sake make sure you can't be traced in the real world.
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Regular readers may have noticed a trend in any of my postings featuring everybody's favourite US fruitcake, George W(ar is my way of diverting attention from my small penis) Bush. There you go, I've done it again! A childish, peurile routine of adding my own thoughts on what the Dubleyah stands for.
Okay, so its blatantly obvious that I don't really like the guy... he's not on my birthday card list, but then the feeling is probably mutual. So while I'm going to continue to do this whenever posting a slightly political story (rest assured, I don't intend to do this very often), I also figured that you lot might be up for it too... a little bit of inspiration from our lovely followers (as it were). So feel free to bleed the Profanisaurus dry, and post up your thoughts.
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You may be aware that we are fans of robots here at FJ (after all they are the third ultimate power in the universe*). However, this new information, just recieved from our source in the Pentagon reveals a disturbing picture...
*Wombats and Ninjas are harder
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Jamie, IT recruitment consultant extraordinaire, licensed to ignore your worthless pleading CV, an all-round people person, smiley, hard-working and happy.
When you've finished with that, take time out to read The Adventures of David Sneddon, Bukkake Secret Agent.
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Now children, lets talk about Peter Sellers. Famous for The Goon Show, The Pink Panther (no, not the cartoon), and other classics including the late great Stanley Kubrick's Dr Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.
So what's the point? None really. Its just a pathetic, inexcusable way to string tenuous links together to get to another crap game. Your mission, should you choose to accept it is...
Nah bollocks! Why should you have a choice? Your mission is (whether or not you choose to accept it) to search for the bomb, which most likely doesn't exist, but George Wiener Bush would like you to think that it does.
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We had personal reviews here at work today, and I think everyone's going a little strange with the stress of it.
Currently, colleague Gene is requesting that I clap the backs of my hands together and bite my ear.
I must confess I was quite unable to perform said move.
Can you succeed where I failed?
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There must be evil forces at work, because somehow we've fallen into a cat related theme...
This is the best game I've ever played where you have to accurately control a cat wearing a hardhat pushing a wheelbarrow over narrow planks in a bid to rescue stray animals from almost certain death.
And what a crowded genre that is!
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I think you'll agree, Taz does love robots.
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In a bid to get a better response than last time, here's another chance to do some captions.
I can't believe that no one took the Mick out of me not wearing any pants last week!
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John "2 Jags" Prescott has had a quiet few weeks whilst all this international diplomacy had been going on. Luckily for us though, since its been declared that the time for diplomacy is over, they've let him off the leash again like some buffoon-hound of war.
I'm not sure politics would be fun at all if it wasn't for him. Look! His first day back in the public eye and already he's causing controversy by denying he ever knew who Lord Hunt was (Lord Hunt is the Junior Health Minister who's shown that there were at least 2 people in government who had principles, unlike a certain Ms. Short)."We have heard from Lord Hunt, who apparently rang the Today programme up to tell them he is going to resign. I don't know who Lord Hunt is, he is obviously a minister of Government ... I'm sorry for my ignorance." We're all sorry too John.
The man really is a 'tool' of mass destruction.
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Another competition entry, opting for 'hate'...
Full Story >>
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The Tony and George vs. Jaques and Saddam bridge tournament went without a hitch. Things only began to flare up during the first course at dinner.
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Seeing as we're going to war in a few hours you may as well just stop watching the news sites and radio coverage and play games with the warmongerer's heads instead.
Its exactly the same as bejewelled, but with the heads of Tony Blair, George Bush, Saddam Hussain and David Hasslehoff (slightly bizarrely, but why not?)
Great timely stuff thats so shit its great.
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Aren't people taking this anti-french thing just a little bit too far?
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"Suprise your friends and family with your amazing flair for interior design!" claims the blurb
You too can own a super-cool bar safe in the knowledge that all proceeds go into the Toten Kopf Chopper Club 'Special Projects' slush fund (which has previously brought you MR badges, and the letter W).
There's also a lot of history that comes free with it. It was the cause of my worst ever hangover. I would give you the details, but I can see you're still having lunch. Bid now!
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Richard Herring gets dangerously close to becoming a multi millionare inventor of hair products....
I invented telephone handsets. Its a little known fact that I don't tell many people about because I'm actually very bitter that the patent was denied to me and claimed by someone else.
I came up with the idea after watching person after person get frustrated whilst attempting to make telephone calls when the telephone didn't have any means of capturing their voice. Telephony was in a rut, and I was just the person to sort it.
I tried many prototypes, trying puppies, root vegetables and even sporks, but nothing worked until I accidentally tried using a microphone and speaker wrapped up into one unit. It worked.
So next time you use a phone, remember, that's my bastard livelihood you're using for free, you blaggard.
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Far far too quick on the ball over the recent death of Thora Hird.
And whilst I'm at it, here's some more Thora wierdness.
Random quote:"Thora's nostrils flaring, chin-wattle horribly askew like a pelican standing side on in a wind tunnel. I was sent careering backwards with shock."
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Competition announcement
Due to me unexpectedly not being in the country on the closing date of the competition*, the deadline will be extended to Monday 24th March. Please get your entries in by 1pm. In the meantime, see the latest entry.
*I am being whisked away on a surprise dirty weekend
Full Story >>
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Today is St Patty's day. The day when anybody and everybody claims to have an Irish background of some description, but not me. Nope, I never claim to have Irish blood because I've known for eons that my families are - Tazewell: West-country-farmers-eating-cowshit, English
- Cormack: Kilt-wearing-pipes-playing-tight-fisted, Scottish
All fine and dandy I thought until some time last year when I decided to trace back the history of both families. And what happens when you go back X number of hundred years on the Scottish side? Some bugger from Ireland started it all off!
Crikey! I've got Guinness in me blood. Fetch me a pint of the black stuff quick!
After spending yesterday trying to recover from Saturday night, I can see this one's going to hurt.
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If there's one thing that seems designed to get my back up. Its old whistling bastards.
Full Story >>
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Hey you! Yes you! Have you ever looked down there on the left hand column at the section called 'Links'? No? Well, you cretin, its a small collection of personally selected links to sites that we think that you have to be reading on a daily basis.
Some are like Funjunkie, some are quite the opposite, but all are quite essential reading.
One of these is The Ultimate Insult. A linklog of quite stupendous quality, it offers up quite brilliant links at a far greater frequency than even Funjunkie could possibly comprehend.
Alas, just before Christmas, Scott, who runs the site got the boot from his employers. Arseholes! This puts the very existence of The Ultimate Insult at risk and it just won't bally well do!
We need to get Scott a job so he can afford to continue his humanitarian effort of keeping us all amused.
Employers! Sort it.
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Well the toilet poetry contest went down like a lead balloon, much like a concrete balloon but completely different. Although there are similarities and I expect that you'd be able to teach wombats to blow them up with semtex. I digress...
If you're all going to be lazy and not post comments, well that's to be expected. Afterall, its Friday! So lets all get on our little ikes (Thats unicycling slang for the uninformed) and save some fish.
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Not a single entry into the Magic roundabout competition this week.
YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
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For some reason a little school-toilet-graffiti poem is running through my head:
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Paid ten pence
And only farted
Proper schoolboy prose, which there used to be oodles of in the bogs at my old hell hole. And now I'm trying to remember more. I can't think why, since its all pathetic, childish, peurile nonsense... oh yeah, now I remember why!
Its up to you lot now... bring on the comments.
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My brother works for Sky Sports Interactive. He's a lucky sod who loves his job more than he probably should because he gets to edit all the video and watch all the premiership football etc.
At the moment he's been doing the Cricket World Cup. I phoned him up the other day to ask how it was going seeing as I knew he's always loved his cricket.
He told me that if her ever saw another cricket ball it'd be too soon (only he used a few more choice words, like 'shite', 'fuck' and 'arse').
So its with this that I can understand the stress that Scott Murray of the Guardian is under. See as he goes on a mega rant about everything whilst under the pretence of covering the cricket.
If its been taken down by the time you get there (which it may well have done) then to your delight I've prepared a screenshot here (238Kb).
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There really is no similarity between wombats and gimps, none whatsoever. I don't see why you keep on asking. You're so stressed about it, just calm down. Fortunately there is something that will ease your mind... you could clear it.
Instructions for clearing the mind:- Sit down and relax
- Take long deep breaths
- Raise your hand to your head
- Pull the trigger
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A bit of an exclusive from FJ reader and personal friend of mine, Dom (well, it would have been an exclusive but he had to get some bandwidth for it so he went to FHM) - Games Games Games is an classy old-skool stylee animation about one nerd's obsession with games.
A bit like FJ on a Friday then...
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Another day, another stupid "build your own" stylie flash widget to bore myself with. This time Auntie has com p with the Build your footie face tool, which doesn't sound promising.
After 5 minutes of arsing about answering daft questions, I finally got to the end. Patiently waiting for the full anticlimax, I was amazed when my new look arrived... Its me!
Well done to the Beeb for that staggeringly accurate likeness.
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Call me a girl. Go on.
*Girl*
Right, that's over with. Now I can explain why. You see, it's because I like Hello Kitty. I'm quite fond of that naughty penguin Badtz Maru as well.
The chiefs over at Sanrio are going to have a bit of a headache with their latest creation though, his name is... ah, check it yourself.
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Its Friday, its lunch time, its time to sit back and relax, ignore the boss and get some serious game play in...
Serious, my arse! First nomination for Funjunkie Friday Game is the stragely brown Escape from Clown-Catraz. Guaranteed* milliseconds of fun!
*Funjunkie makes no guarantees about this or any other claim about non-existant monkeys (Even the evil ones).
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Hello to all of our new readers from CGTalk, who seem to have linked to us in relation to a discussion about lots of scantily clad women. I can't think of a reason why, because we, the editors of Funjunkie are neither women nor scantily clad (Believe me, you wouldn't want us to be). Not that we don't like the idea of lots of near-naked birds in the Funjunkie changing room... it would be rather nice, but for the fact that we might have our bollocks removed by slightly upset girlfriends.
Update: Note the strange similarity of images for this and the RHCP article below. Wouldn't you like to see the Chilis in pink stockings? Wouldn't you? No? Okay, nevermind.
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Well, I'm back, I'm knackered and exhilarated. The Chilis gig was the finest, biggest gig I've EVER been to, and it was flat out fucking amazing. They may be getting on a bit, but those fellas rock like a bastard, and the 4 million people packed into the arena seemed to agree with me. Stunning. A review follows next week.
So thanks to Taz and Reg for doing another sterling effort for covering whilst I was away, those boys rock nearly as much as the chilis.
Today, as the logo above would seem to indicate to you, is Comic Relief day. This means you need to empty your pockets and give lots of money to people who haven't been so lucky as you. DO IT NOW. I don't want excuses, you can't give any.
Give as much as you can.
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If you're going to spend the whole day walking around with a mobile phone welded to your ear, don't you think you ought to take some precautions? You're microwaving your head like that crappy little instant meal you bought from Marks & Sparks, so perhaps its about time you spared a few braincells with some protective head gear.
Actually, come to think of it, you're already fucked anyway. Last I heard, you're about to get kicked out of that primary school for not being able to tell the time without a digital watch, so I'd say that at the age of 33, its probably about time you gave up. Live life to the max... buy a super high powered mobile phone and fry your melon!
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ROBOTS: Stand up for your rights! Don't let the seagulls bully you.
Anybody would think that robots were the ultimate fighting power, but we the editors of Funjunkie know better. Wombats are the ultimate power and robots are just their wussy sidekicks, albeit big metal electronic wussy sidekicks. So there was no surprise in the Funjunkie dressing room (that's right kids, we have to SHARE a bleedin' dressing room!) today when we were informed of an outrageous attack on these poor defenceless (if you ignore the weapons of mass construction) buggers.
Its time to fight back people! I'm talking Sodium. I'm talking Potassium. I'm talking about throwing a bucket of paint at the flying bastards. Get out there and harass some gulls. Do it for robot kind.
Funjunkie in now way condones the act of being nasty to seagulls. Rude, abrasive and a little antisocial, but not nasty.
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It can never be stressed enough to wear proper running shoes. I shake my head every time someone says they don't understand why their body hurts here or there and then they say they've run in the same shoes for 2,000 miles! Remember, 500. That's the maximum number of miles most shoes are rated for. Do not be fooled by tread life.
It gets tricky after level 4
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What do you mean, its not Friday? Ach, hell and pish to you all. You think you know everything there is to know about monkey taming? You think you can rule the world by throwing a few ketchup bottles at some business executives? I bet Pinky and the Brain would have something to say about that.
Bollocks to it, lets have a game of cricket.
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Why, only on friday was I saying 'don't get suckered into the promise of a free t-shirt' while browsing the Nike Stickman website.
But lo and behold - what's was that lying on my doormat last night? A personalised t-shirt, with my name printed on the arm for added personalisation-ness. Blimey! I'm now a walking advert for Nike. I'm such a sell-out. Next I'll be saying 'just do it'.
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Dogs go 'woof' don't they? Not if they're Korean they don't. They go 'Please don't eat me mister chef' in a Korean accent.
Ever wondered what cuckoo clocks sound like in other parts of the world? You'll be surprised. I was.
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 Baby Reggio, Circa 1978
Before you get the authorities on my case, this is a picture of me, and as far as I'm aware, I can put it up. So there. Give me captions
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If you're trying to tell me that your whole philosophy on life does not involve helping two mice steal some food from your larder... hey, I don't think I like you any more. You selfish, irresponsible, monkey hating, fish eating, antelope buggerer!
Your ability to juggle seven octopi will come in very handy here, as that's essentially what you'll be doing... apart from the bit about the octopi, which would be stupid.
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When Wild's away, the mice will play! Now, what should we go for? Lay-deez, or Booze?.
Probably not work safe. Depending on whether you choose beer or girls.
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While we're on the subject of cats, lets turn our attention to those much loved cat impersonators: Cows.
Cows are like cats in many respects, far too many to mention here on Funjunkie in fact, so I won't. But the most important thing to remember is: Cows can fly.
Not to be confused with sheep, which although may be prone to the odd bout of flying, they're nothing like cats in any respect whatsoever, so shoot the fuckers! Genetically engineered Rhino's My Arse! I've seen more perpendicular lungs on a spaghetti tree...
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Its common knowledge that what police gunmen really need is some squeaky voiced Danish eejit shouting at them. Talk about "Did I break your concentration?"... This is a Full Time Killer stylee game for deaf people... although nothing like it.
If you're going to argue symantecs with me, I'm going to go home and feet the cat.
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Just a quick explanation why there won't be any posts from me today or tomorrow: I'm off to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Manchester. I'll post a review of the gig in the Music Central section in a few days time.
Till then, I'll leave you in the more than capable hands of Reg and Taz to make sure that you get your daily dose of ridiculousnessitynousess-athon.
No doubt they'll be abusing me in the comments of this post whilst I'm away, for which I have kept a whole case of cans of whupass in reserve.
Whoop, and er... yay, as I believe kids are saying these days. Young blighters.
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In corporate offices up and down the country, boredom is rife. Secretaries create complex structures with paper clips and rubber bands, middle management twiddle their thunbs and senior executives throw tiny darts 3 feet over their desks and miss a miniscule board by several yards.
But it doesn't have to be that way. No no, you could hold your own Office Olympics. Presumably this would involve the following disciplines:- Tossing the spam javelin
- Bowling (Think about it)
- The breast stroke
Of course that might be the Bedroom Olympics I'm thinking about.
But its not just Auntie who's dreamt all this up. Plenty of other sad bastards are getting in on the act.
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I've just read Hot Robot Monkey Sex..... and I'm speechless....
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This is, in part, a love story.... gone bitterly and horrifically wrong. You see Kevin doesnt like Erika very much at all, the love has gone.... How much you ask? .......This much......
"The Webmaster regrets that he can no longer post sexually explicit pictures of Captain amErika performing sodomy on this website."
Links leading from this site are not safe for work.
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Richard Herring finally figures it out.
I didn't think that faddy diets had reached Somerset yet? Finally, there's another use to cabbages other than feed them to the pigs.
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When I was a nipper, I got to play in carboard boxes. Nowadays, kids don't know how good they've got it! Check out this tyke (who, on an unrelated note looks exactly like my brother at that age, and he even has the same name), he's got his very own Sherman Tank!
Just imagine the looks on your neighbors faces when you rumble into the midst of their barbecue in a Panzer, and paste the beer cooler with your 37mm potato cannon.
Obviously it's the father saying that, not the kid.
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You may or may not have noticed, but theres a new linky thingie to the left hand side of the screen called 'Music Central'.
Yes indeed, we're now doing music reviews of albums, gigs, news and anything else news related.
So if you're dying to review the latest album you bought, or you've just been to a great gig, or even just been to a great night out, we want your reviews and opinions on the lot. It doesn't matter whether you're here in the UK or elsewhere, its all good.
Don't be shy. Remember, if the likes of the Funjunkie team can hold together a ragtag site like this, then its guaranteed that your stuff will look like pure class next to ours.
Send us anything you want. Let us be your bitches.
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There's nothing in this world anyone would rather do than go down to the beach, wade around the rock pools, catch crabs (Small tasty creatures with an exoskeleton, not the disease), and then train them to play volleyball. Well, there might be other things, but if there are, I don't want to know about it.
Funjunkie fact: Volleyball is a sport often played by French people. However, it is possible for British Citizens to play this game without having to wear a beret and a string of garlic around the neck. Just follow the instructions on the back of a packet of Kellogs Frosties (Pour into a bowl and cover in milk).
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No doubt you've all been to the local watering hole and had a good tug on the one armed bandit... Note: This is not a story about masterbating in public. But have you ever thought about how camp it is to play on one all day? Have you ever thought about the innuendo factor of playing on a Fruit machine? No? Didn't think so.
Anyway, somebody out there has, otherwise there wouldn't be any point to this ridiculous article and I'd never get to any conclusions. I'd just keep skirting around the subject, never quite reaching the end of the story. Always going off at a tangent about small lemon coloured fridge magnets, and then entertaining the fact that a Wombat (Ultimate power in the Universe) might crop up in the conversation, which might happen... its certainly something to consider. One might believe that I'd never even mention the Fruity Machine at all, and instead just keep rambling on about...
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Taz, don't be sad. Another year, another lot of jelly and ice cream. You're life now seems a little bit empty. But look on the bright side - hi-ho!
I can not believe that Panasonic commissioned this. Crazy Fools
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Xavier is having a tea break, and he's talking about suspicious things.
Fat homeless people. How do they get fat if they are tramps?
Adverts with small print at the bottom. They're basically lying aren't they?
What else is there to be suspicious of? Help him out while he eats his chocolate covered digestives.
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I like the colour yellow as much as the next person. Which is handy really, because if I didn't like it very much, I wouldn't be able to watch the latest Mantlepies animation about a Jumbo Jet with huge bollocks.
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Thanks to Ron Malibu, who's recent weblog posting brings us the technique behind the mystical One Inch Punch, or the "Ging Punch" as immortalised by Bruce Lee (who was doing it incorrectly apparently).
Remember, with power comes resposnsibility. Don't try it on ninjas or wombats and: "be forewarned - this technique can be fatal."
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Finding new and innovative domain names can be hard, somewhat like a coconut... coconuts can be hard. Anyway, the point is that there are now so many domain names out there that people wanting a catchy title for their fantastic new "Welcome to my Homepage!!!" stylie sites are having to wrack their brains for cunning phrases.
Gems such as cunningstunts.com, and bettyswollocks.com ... The possibilities are almost endless.
But there's something severely amiss. With such opportunity for wonderful domain name fun, why are there so many unclaimed? Funjunkie readers, we ask you to take pity on these poor lonely names and get them registered:- jamieolivergetsonmytits.com
- nunswithguns.com
- yousmell.com
- spankthemonkey.com
- arsetwigs.com
I'll leave it up to yous lot to think of some more...
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What an honourable service these young people are providing; they are taking photos of matresses that have been discarded in the street. Very compelling. Or is it just me?
p.s. Happy Birthday Taz. I made you a cake.
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Mmmmmm, Pi.
Random Quote:
"3.1415926535897932384626
433832795028841971693993
751058209749445923078164
062862089986280348253421
170679821480865132823066
470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027
019385211055596446229489"
The question is though, why?
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Another weekend of driving around the country, another 3 tanks of fuel, another year of my life completed and another couple of hangovers to liven up my weekend mornings.
People often ask me (Twice since Saturday) what it feels like to be 27. Well its a bit like being 23, but completely dissimilar... one difference being the age. Still, its all very exciting because I fully intend to be 27 for a whole year before getting my free upgrade next March. After that its all a bit vague, but some people say that it keeps going on in a sort of C++ incremental fashion until you get to the while loop exit clause. Hocus pocus if you ask me, but then you probably didn't, in which case its blatantly not.
So my point for today, which lets face it, is what I'm supposed to be getting to... Um... something about thisGridlock game, which will keep you amused for at least 3 monkey-sized-robot rotations.
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Not since the days of the David Beckham and Popbitch rumour have we seen as much traffic as we're currently getting to The Great Goose Egg Experiment.
Links on sites such as Fark and Zfilter etc have been trying their hardest to bring our servers down, but they failed. Ha!
Cheers guys for the links, and cheers to Swishcottage and Troubled Diva for initially picking up on our stupidiousness.
But thanks also to German site Bluephod for the following (translated by Babelfish):
"Sometimes a man must do what a man must do. And if it sailed then in standing and blew extensively it can turn to the things.
The attempt was necessary, to embody this information in the total knowledge pool of the Menschheit on eternal."
My sentiments exactly.
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So, its all revealed then. Or is it?
Well, yes and no, what has been revealed are two things:
1) That a secret faction has created a large subterranean ark prepared in readiness for a deliberate rising of the world's seas and this very same faction has created a site at Mountainsub.com in an attempt to discredit the 8thMarch20003 guy.
2) That this is obviously an attempt to create an intra-web of intrigue and mystery akin to the utterly sublime effort that was the whole A.I. Cloudmakers spinoff
Like I said yesterday, its all a bit of fun, so there's no reason why you shouldn't get into it, even if the poor plot and dodgy explanations of the photos prevent you from doing so.
Enjoy!
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Remember, tomorrow is 8th March 2003.
Why should you care? Because of this."I know they're plotting against me. They'll do whatever it takes I suppose. But I'm confident they won't bother trying to shut me down again. The last time they did that it only brought more attention to my cause. I'd just pop up somewhere else. Besides, I'm sure even they would realize that I'd have a contingency plan." Whilst you run around screaming about conspiracy theories and giant locusts singing Celine Dion records, just remember that its all a hoax yeah? All a bit of fun.
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First it was the skirts, and now it's the t-shirts! What next, the rollerskates?
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When you have a bit of spare time on your hands this weekend, make sure you take a few minutes to enter the Magic Roundabout competition to win yourself some extra cool badges.
-and let's face it, it is only going to take a few minutes to beat some of the entries so far.
ENTRIES: 1 2 3 4 & 5
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Can anyone tell me exactly is so disturbing about the story of the man who claimed he was getting sponsorship for stupid stunts for Comic Relief and then proceeded to pour beans over a woman's foot that the police had to get involved and are looking to pull the guy in for exhibiting 'odd and alarming behaviour'?
Sounds like a good way to alleviate boredom to me. Obviously he's missing the important goose egg ingredient from the escapade, but we can overlook that.
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Another great goose egg experiment. Bon appetit.
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I try not to watch much telly, but I usually have it on in the mornings when I'm having my breakfast. Imagine my surprise this morning when I saw none other than xiao xiao's stickman playing basketball in a Nike ad! I almost dropped my special K!
Sell out to the global corporate masses or what! The thing is, the Nike Freestyle site has a lot going for it. There are a couple of games, desktops, etc. Just don't get suckered into the promise of a free t-shirt. You'll be there for a long time looking for those elusive backgrounds...
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The magic of the UKblogs aggregator has meant that I've been able to enjoy Dubberly.com (the confessions of a porn writer) for some time now.
But this is one of the best, an interview with the UK's most famous pornstar Ben Dover, aka Lindsay Honey.
In my brief stay upon this earth I've managed to find myself with the dubious privilege of having watched a few Ben Dover films, and they're great because he brings the famous English humour into the proceedings."You've just come on my shoe! I've only just bought these, you bastard!" From the interview:"We turned up to do a housewives shoot and the lady had been called to a meeting with social services. She asked her next door neighbour if she'd do it instead. She had the time of her life."
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One of my favourite "I dont give a flying fuck" people in the whole world, Good old Prince Phillip, has been upsetting the natives one again... this time on home ground in Romford. ..
Full Story >>
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Basically a clone of The Infamous Worm Game, Cavecruising does it with so much more style.
Hold the mouse button down to make your funny pebble-like creature thing go up, release to let it fall, try not to hit stuff. Surely even you can handle the complexities of that?
Whats not touched upon though is the creature's motivation for such a task. Is there a goal to its aimless wandering? Why is there cave there? With what hidden means does it propel itself through the ether? Why has it got one eye bigger than the other?
So many questions, so little time...
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Thanks to Phil 'the Power' Simms
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Its Friday, so you know what that means? Yes, its down tools time, refuse to do any more work citing the European Directive on Work Time Regulations subsection A565 and sit back playing stupid web games all day.
Fortunately for you, we happen to regard ourselves as something approaching specialists in this area, so let us bring you all the tat you need to survive another 7-8 hours before the weekend.
And lets start with this, Orisinal is always a firm favourite here at FJ, Ferry Halim's not let himself down with his latest effort, Arctic Blue, where you control a friendly whale who's trying to help a small boat avoid crashing into the icebergs.
Lets just hope its not a Norwegian whaling ship he's helping eh? Now that would be unfortunate.
I've used the word 'Norwegian' twice today now.
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A link most heinously pilfered from weblog glitteratus Plasticbag, now you can see what Funjunkie looks like when translated into Japanese!
This is probably more useful than it sounds, as we do have a number of Japanese regulars here. For the rest of us it just looks cool. One of the only words it didn't translate was 'unenlightenment', which is fairly ironic really.
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My inbox had a veritable bulge from entries this morning...
Full Story >>
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Those of you amongst us who like to keep up to dates with developments in the weblogging world may be slightly confused that we've not even touched on the whole Raging Cow, Dr Pepper, Richards Interactive thing.
There is, in fact a very good reason for this, everything that needs to be said has been said much better than I could by more eloquent people.
Whats left is the carcass of the argument, sitting in the sun, waiting for me to gnaw little scraps off its sun-bleached bones.
In short, marketeers with bulging wallets and clueless clients are prowling around weblogs like wolves around a village of hapless Norwegian children. And we don't like the way they're trying to tear the flesh off us. They could do it a nicer way.
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We've been getting lots and lots of new readers lately.
This is a good thing, and we welcome you all like a fat guy welcomes a tray of burgers.
However, I'm slightly concerned that many new guys might not understand what it means to be an FJ reader. You might not 'get' some of the stuff we bang on about, particulary if its written by Taz.
Don't worry, we don't understand Taz either and I doubt he does. For the rest though, here are a couple of simple steps towards unenlightenment.
1) You must like robots. You don't have to be a geek, you just have to think that the thought of a robot randomly attacking stuff is cool.
2) You must worship ninjas. If you don't they'll kill you without a thought. This has been proven by scientists.
3) David Hasselhoff is God. He moves in mysterious ways.
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Competition entry No.3
File under 'I hate robots'
Full Story >>
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Arrgghh! Parents say the stupidest things, they really do. No wonder we all turn out half mentalist by the time we're adults, with our tongues lolloping around, our hair falling out and a penchant for linking wet paint.
perhaps thats just a little foible of my own.
But its dads that mostly tell you crap. Bored out of their heads by incessant sibling rivalry, bickering and endless questions, as well as having a healthy dollop of just not giving as much of a shit as mothers - they'll tell you anything in order to get you off their backs.
Examples include:
When asked if today is a Saturday: "All day."
Aaargh!
When we moaned something wasn't fair: "Till March."
What does that even mean?? Nothing! it means nothing! and yet I had to put up with it until I left home.
What sayings did your dad annoy you with when you were little? Or perhaps he still says them? Tell us in the comments section of this post..
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These sexy lips are what Holly from Red Dwarf should have been like.
I advise you, as your attorney, to press the letters H and X
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Competition entry No.2...
Full Story >>
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Have... been... watching.. the matrix. too much.
Girls... are turn ing in to ascii
h... e... l... p...
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We've had our first competition entry...
Full Story >>
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Yea - like you care - you're probably the sort that chucks earthworms on barbecues or sticks bicycle pumps into toads and inflates them, or mixes bicarbonate of soda with breadcrumbs and feeds it to pigeons.
You're sick and I won't have anything to do with you.
But even though you do these evil evil things, I forgive you, and I'll share this fab little game with you, perfect for a sunny day such as today when the sky and the sea are the same colour blue and you're kicking your heels for something to do other then terrorise grannies down the local supermarket.
Antburner is a lovely little simple game of using the focusing suns rays to burn innocent little ants that are minding their own business, to terrible, agonising, screaming death.
I feel a great disturbance in the Force.. as if millions of
ant voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
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Ladies and Gents, I am proud to present the 1st ever FunJunkie competition.
The prize: Magic Roundabout badges.
Why do you want these?
Well, firstly because they are the coolest fashion accessory of the year, and secondly, if you live in Northampton (UK), you will get in at a reduced price to the Magic Roundabout club on March 29th.
The 1st prize is a badge of each design (including the ultra rare and desirable 'I heart robots' badge), and there are 10 runners up prizes of 'I hate robots' badges. I'll chuck in some other odd and sods too.
What you have to do Just send in a picture of yourself either 'loving' or 'hating' robots. Easy. Web cams are fine. Obviously if you're a lady and you draw on exposed flesh, you will win.
Deadline To make sure that the badges get to the winners on time, get your entries in by 1pm Friday the 21st March.
Send entries to reg@funjunkie.co.uk
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Ladies and Genteelmen, Part 2 of the stunning anime series of The Animatrix has been released.
I guarantee that the servers will be choking to death, but like last time, if you save the movie to disk, perhaps using your fav download program then you'll not go far wrong.
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He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?
"Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush Lois Lane's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout. "
Funny AND informative.Yes.
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Today is officially* Double Glazing Sales Day, which means that you should all go out and infect people with nasty diseases. That is all.
Let me know if you ever work out what the fuck I'm on about today.
*According to Funjunkie and all good record shops
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Look at you! Sitting there pretending to work, like some overpaid, undernourished monkey with a pint of Guinness and a plate of chips. Anybody would think that you've been talking about fridges all day, but no... you're not even awake are you? HEY! I'm talking to YOU!
Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, here's a groovy little game to get you in the mood for Friday. But then, its not even Friday yet. This may come as a shock to you, but its only Wednesday. Midweek. Not even a sniff of the weekend in the air. What are you going to do with yourselves?
We suggest you sell some double glazing to the bloke over the road.
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White Ninja: sicker than a bag of kittens with tickly coughs and weeping eyes.
And slightly gammy paws.
And mites in their fur.
Maybe.
Also of note are the following morsels of decency:
White Ninja eats a dead man
White Ninja and the little boy that died
and
White Ninja and the Duck
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Ah the hilarity of a complicated language such as English and overworked, overstressed people, and the synergy of the two.
It leads to some fabulous quotes.."The patient has no past history of suicides."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." Still, at least they make grammatical sense, the most recent Engrishisms fail to even come close.
I know, its an oldie but its updated all the time, so its time for a revisit.
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There's many a slip
Twixt cup and lip
And the sound it makes
Is drip drip drip
I honestly can't remember who wrote that poem, but as it happens the whole thing is completely irrelevant because it has bugger all to do with Xiao Xiao. No doubt everyone's seen Xiao Xiao, but as far as I know, this one's fairly new. Hooray for beating the living shit out of stick men on your desk top!
I said Hooray dammit!
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If only I had a bit of time on my hands (which I definitely do not at the moment), I could win myself a lifesize Samus Aran. But then again, what would I do with it?
Maybe we could pool resources and enter as a team. Anyone up for it?
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This is the first game I have come across that rewards you when you shoot at girls. Whenever you hit the lady with your laserbeam, an item of clothing disappears. Eureka!
Now, whenever I've tried this in real life, it's never worked out with a happy ending. Girls - I'm sure there's a hunky fella version, but to be honest, we haven't taken the time to find it.
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Since there was such an overwhelming response to the 'real truth behind Pancake day' featurette below, you can continue your quest for spurious world history with the complete story of life on earth.
And while you're at the fabulous biro-web, you may as well take a look at some of the new ways to make love. My personal favourite, and one I practice in my especially enlargened mug, is being dunked like a biscuit. Oh how I wish I were a hobnob.
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The winners of this year's Nude Weblog Awards have been announced. As expected, FJ underperformed in terms of going home with some silverware because we don't feature very much gratuitous nudity, which kinda helps in awards like this.
Still, the best weblog won the day and I'm pleased that Coolio's Babelog won the Best Gratuitous Nudity award. Its a fine archive of splendiferous women.
Surprise win of the awards was in the Weblogger we'd most like to see naked category, where serial prize wiener winner Wil Wheaton picked up the honours. Lets just pray that he doesn't act upon it anytime soon.
Luckily, Wil is banned from the upcoming Anti-Bloggies where I know our crapness will sweep the board. I feel it in me waters.
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It's pancake day! Well, that's the common name for it. The real name is 'Shrew Tuesday'. This comes from the Latin name of the shrew Sorex araneus which literally translates as sore anus.
The Victorians found that every year, on this day, people would break out in a fit of stinging ring. After decades of experimentation involving chimney sweeps, they found that a mixture of eggs and flour poured on to a hot skillet made a perfect medicinal soothing nappy that could be worn within the bloomers, and hence 'Pancake Day'. Lemons were added into the equation as a lubricant in the late 1950's.
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While scientists discuss the practicality of North America's Duct and Cover D.I.Y home defence tactics, some people are sticking (Har har, geddit?) to more mundane uses of the "Unidirectional bonding strip" (Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story).
Evidently inspired by the Solvite adverts of yesteryear, The Duck Tape Guys have taken to sticking innocent bystanders to any available surface. Next time your wife/husband/lass/lad (delete as applicable) refuses to shut the fuck up during an episode of 24, you'll know what to do.
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While Reg is using Gratuitous sexy lasses to sell... well nothing as it happens, but there's a principle at stake (Mmm... steak!). Anyway, here's more gratuitousness (Oh that really needs to be a word) in the form of some crappy links.
First of all we have the ever popular Gratuitous pictures of cows. Popular for cowboys that is... you're darned tootin! (And so on and so forth)
Moving swiftly on like Wild at the Chicken Tikka Sandwich shop, lets try out some really crap games, ironically named Gratuitous Pleasures.
No? Okay, I can see this isn't working for you. Lets get back to some gratuitous eye candy in the form of Pinocchia... basically its lasses with Pinocchio noses. Decidedly odd, and not completely safe for work, but that never stopped you before you dirty little...
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Another one of those sites that does exactly what it says on the tin! This time it's naughty schoolgirls. Don't worry, they're all well past the age of going to school, and it's as work safe as you want it to be.
Naughty Schoolgirls: Bringing photos of Schoolgirls to you on a weekly basis How admirable.
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Hi, My name is Dustin Hoffman. You may remember me from my multi-award winning role in the motion picture 'rainman'. I played the part of an excitable benny who was good at counting matches spilt by my irrepressible co-star, Tom Cruise. For this role, I had to 'get into the real me', where I would spend hours counting matches spilt on floors. You too can practice being the real me as well.
Next week - Tootsie - the one where I dress in drag and pretend to be a woman!
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You'd be forgiven for thinking that Funjunkie had upped and gone to Slough, for the dire lack of movement this morning. The reality of the situation is that we're all in training for March 17th. The rule is, once you hit March you've got to start drinking Guinness well before St Patrick's day, otherwise you'll fail at the first hurdle on the night.
Taz is limbering up by building up some beer-belly-bulk. Whilst waiting for my spicy chicken stottie to be welded together with half a tub of margerine, I spotted a packet of Bobby's Cheese & Onion Potato SNAX. Most people in the UK will probably know that Bobby's is a cheap brand for packet snack substances made out of anything but what you think they should be. Potato SNAX literally translated means: Packet of air with some broken bits of stuff and lots of dust, no added flavour.
But the thing that gets every schoolboy sniggering at the back of the classroom is the old favourite: Bobby's Nuts! Genius.
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DeathGob
