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I'm building a drugs education website at the moment, and this is an authentic question from a quiz...
2. You are hanging around outside the shops. Some people you know offer you some cannabis. They get a bit pushy and try to persuade you to have a smoke. Do you:
a) Tell them to ‘push off’ and start a big row
b) Pretend you have to get home
c) Say ‘no thanks, its not for me’ and go and talk with some other friends
Well, what would you guys do? D?
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Remember Marble Madness? No silly, not the DIY painting craze - the Video Game!
Well, now you can recreate the '10p a go' thrills on your very own computer with Gyro ball.
Warning It's as hard as diamonds.
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For those of you who played yesterday's groovy little web games, you may have noticed that there's one more on the Kode Digital site. No? Well that just sums you up, you lazy bloody art student type!
Fortunately we, the editors of Funjunkie are very nice* people, and therefore we're going to let you in on our little secret.
Quite why a small yellow bird would be flying around the sky, catching critters that turn into angry worms and thus break up boulders which happen to be bouncing around without loss of energy, entropy, or monkeys, is beyond me. Still, its canny like.
*This is not in the least bit true
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Hey you! Yes You!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be Colin Ford, Chairman of the Bournemouth Electronic Organ society?
You have?
Well now your dreams have come true. Experience the thrills, the spills, the downright heady breathlessness that comes with being in Colin's highly polished shoes as he seques from song to song.
Become one with Colin Ford, as you control his style of play, the keyboard he uses, even his famous bling bling smile.
I know, its unbelievable, but its here, now and it'll change your life forever.
The Colin Ford Experience Simulator v1.0
Use at your own risk. Expectant mothers, small children or people with weak hearts should not use the simulator. Those of a nervous disposition should use the simulator with extreme caution. Your use of the Colin Ford Simulator releases Colin Ford Simulations Inc from any responsibility for misadventure that occurs during simulation.
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William Shakespeare? Balding old plagiarist?
Hate him do ya? Remind you of the frustrating times in english lessons where you just wanted to throw "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at the head of your teacher and scream "FUCKING OLD LOAD OF TOSSWANK!" at he top of your voice and then tear the room up before finally coming to rest under a desk, gibbering like an old senile monkey?
Yea, me too.
Fortunately, you're not alone. Mary Ann serves up pretty much the most succinct opinion of the bard's work that I've seen whilst Jim hates him so much that he's even decided to create a webpage about just how crap he thinks the reknowned author was.
I think Joe might slightly hate him too.
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You'll notice that today we sport a livery that celebrates the birth of the great bard unto our world.
The more sleuthy or geeky amongst you will raise your arms up into the air and scream loudly "But William Shakespeare's birthday was last week!" and you'd indeed be correct.
If you would like to escalate the problem, then by all means take a standard housebrick, wrap it in gift wrap and then throw it with vigour through the window of the graphics department here at Funjunkie Towers.
For the rest of you though, relax, forget everything I've just said and lets celebrate together the belated birthday of old Will "I spell my name in 50 different ways" Shakespeare.
Quite honestly, spelling Shakespeare as 'Shakp' is just plain lazy. A day in the stocks for that man.
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Yesterday it was Bill, today it's Will! Happy birthday Mr Shakespeare sir!
Today being the 30th April, means that Mr Willio is a Taurus, and therefore today's useful advice from Russel Grant is: Putting away money for a rainy day will give you a divine feeling of reassurance. Resist the urge to make impulse purchases.
Quite.
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Is it just me, or is the World Snooker really exciting this year?
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on cloneNode me, pbBeep
loAttrClone = new(script "Lonely_Robot", me.getNamespaceURI(), msName, VOID, me.getOwnerDocument(), moOwnerElement)
loAttrClone.setSpecified(mbSpecified)
loAttrClone.cloneChildren(me)
return loAttrClone
end
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Sheepy Uppy. Its Keepy Uppy, but with sheep.
Genius!
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Happy birthday to Bill Drummond. He's Justified, but he's not that Ancient...
p.s. I'll try and dig out the classic photo of me, Kaiser and him having a cup of tea together. Me with a broken leg too. He didn't do it.
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Come on, you remember MacGyver don't you?
That's right, he was the guy who created grenades from acorns and bits of squirrels' teeth. He fiendishly fabricated mobile phones using only badger droppings, head scarves and driftwood.
Never mind turning those special talents towards creating something useful like a never-ending pint glass or a net that safely catches stray chips as they fall from the wrapper of your post-sesh booze-up kebab so that they don't go to waste.
No, MacGuyver had to go and use his skills to defeat baddies. Bah.
You can read all about his skills at the unofficial unupdated for 8 years MacGuyver FAQ page, or you could be a cool dude and download the MacGyver Episode Guide for Windows and relive the excitement of each episode time and time again on the train, or in the pub etc.
Sorry Mac Users, it won't work on your designery bits of kit. I know you're gutted.
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"If the slappee pulls hands away before the slapper slaps, the slapper gets a free slap. If the slappee successfully evades the slappers slap, then the slappee becomes the slapper..."
Utterly baffling! Femto-seconds of amusement value before boredom, despair and a feeling of self loathing sets in. Why dammit, why?
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I remember the days when I had my acorn electron with about as much memory as... ... ...well about as much memory as me, quite frankly. I remember sitting in my bedroom for hours on end copying the code from Acorn Electron magazine (what a stimulating read!) for hours, then having to start again when the power cut out. Finally, after reading through 5 times to find the missing full stop, I'd get to play the game that I'd laboriously created. Invariably it would be crap.
Or putting a tape into my mini ghetto blaster, loading the game for a full 20 minutes, having to listen to the screeches and wails at full volume until finally getting to some disasterously inplayable game that I'd stupidly spent all my pocket money on. Ah the memories.
So lets all re-live some of those memories by playing a little pixel poor wonder Kaboom!. Crap, but strangely addictive.
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Something very nasty just happened to me. I caught the bus, and sat down in my seat. I noticed a nasty smell straight away. I looked at my shoes to see if I had troden in anything. I hadn't, so I thought I'd move to the seat next to me to see if the smell would lessen.
I then looked at the seat I had just sat on for about 20 seconds, and it was slightly darker than the one I was now sitting on. I then noticed that there were tiny chunks of something resembling carrot. Someone had chucked up on that seat, and the cleaning fluid on it had made the seat damp.
I quickly crossed the aisle and sat on another seat, but now I've got a pervading sense of dampness in my rear. There's no sick residue on my bum (I've checked), but it does smell of strong cleaner. I feel even more dirty than usual - and that's saying a lot.
Eurgh, that's sick!
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Have you ever seen a product that has taken your breath away with it's outstandingly bad colouring? Surely you must have seen one of those De Stijl Dyson vacuum cleaners (or as I like to call them Hoovers). They look as if the engineers did the design, then let a bunch of blind monkeys on heat do the colouring.
Well, now it's your turn to try your hand at picking out some colours. The blind monkeys at Dyson are having the week off so they can visit their relatives in Zambia, and you've been left in charge. Let the Lawrence Llwelyn-Bowen in you come out! Oh, and there's money going to good causes too if you can be bothered to register.
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Taz's picture of a smoking jacketted fop (below) segues nicely into sharing with you my plans for the coming bank holiday weekend. I have cordially been invited to sunny Ilfracoombe in Devon for a gentleman's weekend.
I have started to grow my 'tache*, I have ironed my cravat, and my cigars are being rolled on the thighs of nubile Cuban nymphettes as we speak. What I expect, and what I will get may be entirely different. This is due to two main factors.
1) The english weather
2) The other 'Gentlemen'
*Yes, really. To match my mullet.
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In what's fast becoming "Textile Fetish Day" here on Funjunkie, we do hereby present to you a forum occupied by true cardigan and sweater fetishists.
In a post entitled "Buttons on cardigans and what to do with them", ButtonLover frets about the effect the buttons on cardigans have on him.
Bless.
quite possibly not safe for work
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Staying on the textiles theme, if you're into cardigans and sweaters in a big hot lustful kind of way (and I know you are, you dirty little minx, you), then you'll positively explode in a cloud of pheromone delight at this sexy collection of seductive cardigans.
Mmmmm, lambswool.
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I don't know whats more worrying, the fact that someone went ahead and actually collected all these washing icons together, or the fact that they then converted them to EPS files for handy usage in photoshop or Illustrator etc for use in... er... um....
Well, beggars can't be choosers can they? You'll download these files and you'll goddamned well appreciate them.
And I expect every photoshopped image you do from now to contain one of these icons, just to make the entire ridiculous effort worthwhile.
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Would you trust this man to look after your cat when you go to the Costa del Sol for a week?
Welcome to the wierd and wonderful world of 'A weekend with Taz'.
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*ribbit*
Oh, actually, sorry...
*meow*
How to really piss your pets off. Check out the cat dude in the shirt and tie. "Take this down please secretary - Dear Sir, I'd like to complain about the lack of mackrel in recent weeks, regards, Mr Cat". That will be all.
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I've posted this link a couple of times already, but Slow Loris has gone and knocked up a couple of new t-shirts over at Slow Shirts, and they're beauts!
Now if only I could get some Hasselhoff shirts printed for you guys...
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More puppet madness! It must be puppet week... or something.
Get yourself made into a puppet. Then stick your hand up your own backside, and experience a John Malkovich style hedfuk. Maybe. Not guaranteed.
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Ever wished you could get a naked girl to stand on her head and cycle in the air? Then pull her leggs off and turn her into a sausage? How about get a penguin to dance the funky cold medina?
Well, now you can, with the rather bizarre, but thoroughly engrossing puppet tool.
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A fabulous night was had by all last night. Eating curry, drinking beer and watching Man United get thrashed... pure comedy.
Then four of us, beer in hand, decided to get the N64 out and play Micro Machines for a couple of hours. There's nothing funnier than playing a ridiculous game, while one of the party is getting really upset with losing constantly. Needless to say, this increases the fun for everyone else, especially when the piss-taking starts up.
In honour of this wonderful event, and the genius game which is Micro Machines, I'd like to introduce you all to an entirely unrelated game altogether. Meet Zaphod and Aztec as they prepare for their Invasion on Hillbilly Hill. Note the huge breasted typist in the background.
Er, that isnt really there is it Taz
Well, no.
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All good things must come to an end and the time has finally come for a very special friend of ours to say goodbye.
Our great friend and mascot Domokun is quitting the arcane delights of Funjunkie HQ to see the world, scare the people and generally kick some international bottom, in an entirely non-threatening, pacifistic way of course.
Rumours that he's leaving because of a vicious spat with Wombat remain unconfirmed.
But don't cry for Domo, Argentina - he'll be keeping a weblog of his very own as he travels the firmament, bringing us poor sods here in Blighty photos and stories of what life is like outside of our safe little chicken coop.
So, here's a last photo of him and the little DomoLomoTM camera that he'll be using before he jets off to San Francisco for the first leg of his world tour.
Alas, poor Domokun, I knew him well....
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It's not an invitation I give out willy-nilly, but between you and me, I'd like you to get your Chopper out.
Insert your own Finbar Saunders style Fnarr Fnarr's in there
Yes, after totally crashing the mild mannered party last time, it's nearly time to meet at Billing again. It's a nice family day out - until we arrive. Last time the Toten Kopf Chopper Club whipped out the lager, drove through flaming bunnies, and held wheely competitions. The organised Chopper cruise through the beer tent ended up a bit shambolic too. We'll be on best behaviour this year. Maybe. I would show you the photos, but Kaiser lost his camera while performing stunts. Fool.
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We like Choppers.
No, not that sort of chopper, you 70's moustachioed pimp, the Raleigh kind of Chopper.
FJ's very own Reggio is an ardent fan of all things Chopperific, he uses them to smuggle drugs in from Hindustan.
So his mission, if he chooses to accept it, is to hop on over to Chopperation Go, which is a little bit like porn for chopper lovers.
Again, not the sort of chopper you're probably thinking about, you filthy animal.
Actually, whilst I'm on the theme, if you're the sort that is able to listen to music all day, then why not pimp up your office with a little bit of Fluffertrax - its porno music for the masses baby, yeah.
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What's Mrs Taz looking displeased about?  Click to enlarge |
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I'm assuming you like monkeys. I'm assuming you like girls, right? That's why you're here isn't it?
Luckily, we can provide both in one foul swoop! Chimp and Girl pictures galore. Personal favourite being Chimp and Girl and Mexican Wrestler, or is it Girl (without chimp), but with Robot? What a tough call...
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A very exciting morning... I found a double Twiglet! I'm informed (by Kat) that it's technically known as a 'Waglet':
waglet noun:
1. a small shake of the finger
2. a double twiglet
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How much do you know about St.George? I know pretty much nothing.
About anything.
Ever.
Try and beat my weak score of a mere Four. I dare you.
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This is a story of endurance that takes Zack on an epic journey across the Great Windy Desert, through the Brown Forest, and over the Sea of Butts before descending into the heart of an explosive buttcano to confront the biggest, ugliest, meanest butt of them all!
So, it's Frogger then, with arses.
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Easter Sunday: All you wanted to do was stay in bed until 3pm trying to recover from your hangover, while scoffing a huge chocolate egg.
The reality was a little different. You had to go and see some relatives with lots of screaming kids. As soon as you opened the front door, you'd have a tiny cousin wrapped around the base of your leg, not letting go until you had supplied it with chocolate bribes.
Get your own back on the pesky brats by carving them up, just like the Sunday roast. And in a lovely location too!
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Things to do in England on a typical Bank holiday weekend:
- Get in car and drive down to Bristol (6 hours)
- Drink beer.
- Spend weekend doing loads of D.I.Y.
- Drink beer.
- Do some more D.I.Y.
- Drink beer.
- Did I mention D.I.Y.?
- What about beer?
- Get in car and drive back to Newcastle (5 hours)
Oh, and somewhere in the middle of all that, find the time to go out to a club with a bunch of people who look like this:
The club night was called "Camp as Tits"... need I say more?
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I know we've just had a bank holiday, and we've got another coming in two weeks, and then another a couple of weeks after that, but surely St. George's day should be a national holiday in England.
I know most people here celebrate St. Patrick's day (probably as an excuse to drink lots of Guiness), but why not do the same for our patron saint? Is it because we haven't got a definitive national drink?
I've signed the petition to make St. George's day a holiday, and I'd like to think that you might too. Only so we can take the day off, drive down to Calais, get a ferry over to France, stock up on booze, and drive home, get drunk around a barbeque in the rain. George Killed dragons to give us that right.
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There ain't no party like an S-Club party... Damn right! That's because S-Club have split up (the S stands for Split)!
No big deal, I hear you say - but it at least gives me a fairly good reason to give you a nice picture of the lovely Tina, who is my personal favourite S-Clubber.
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Now I've seen you, sitting there in your smoking jacket scrolling through this morning's business acquisitions and taking early morning coffee with your champagne - a half eaten breakfast of eggs benedict being cleared away by your butler.
I know your type: truffles and foie gras with the glitterati of society at 4 in the afternoon, a game of polo with the officer chaps from the corps and then back off home for an extravagantly lavish dinner consisting of that swan that the Queen herself gave to you as a present for outstanding services to the ridiculously wealthy only last week.
Yea, you're posh. But have you ever eaten a pizza worth £100 before?
 Click for biggie
Now that's some spicy meatball!
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Hello. I hope that you all had a nice break. I spent a lot of time gardening - rock and roll!.
I wasn't allowed to get the all essential garden accessory for this season, due to it not being able to fit through the house, but maybe you've got space for your very own full-scale Battle-Mech.
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Is it Jet Pac?
Is it Super Mario Brothers?
NO, it's Super Mario Pac!
N.B. You have to download and install the game to play it, but it's not a very large file.
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Taz, this one's Especially for you. Vent your aggression with this little beauty, Delirium.
Take control of a lone gun turret, and defend yourself from the invading hordes. A bit like shopping at Morrisons at lunchtime. Select the first option (unless you can speak Japanese), and change weapons with numbers 1-4. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security!
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Bought a new laptop on Monday.
It arrived on Tuesday.
Broke on Wednesday.
Going back Thursday (That'll be today then)
and it'll be gone Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
Yeah, Craig David in da house! (Crap/Annoying R&B singer with maltesers on his head)
Bit pissed off really.
Fuckit! Lets just shoot people with ray guns.
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Just in case you're intending on going to any gigs this weekend, practice your crowd surfing techinque. Odd.
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Its a beautiful evening outside, perfect for going out to your local pub and having a drink or ninety and for laughing and chatting and generally being at one with the world.
So lets stay in instead and marvel at how simple but addictive Snakejump is instead.
Use your cursor keys to control the right and left movement of the snake as he jumps from platform to platform. The faster your move, the more points you get. Nifty.
Actually, I will be going to the pub, but its only because I have to do these evil things so that you can be pure and good and kind.
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If you haven't had a Smarties Chocolate Bar yet then you should. Pick one up next time you go into your booze shop for your daily bottle of White Lightning.
Look, even this geezer agrees with me.
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What a great day. Its hot, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and we're all happily... er hang on, we're all stuck in the fucking office!
But that's never stopped us before.
So we, the editors of Funjunkie, are all going off down to sample the alcoholic delights at my local pub. (The language might be a bit unsafe for work, but then you're here aren't you?)
'You've never tasted a real ale until you've tried a pint of asphyxiated lady'
Well, quite. Thanks Russ
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After Wild's sad announcement about DVD players, I'm affraid I've got some more bad news for you, my loyal FJ readers.
Carpet Man and Glass of Milk Man have fallen out with each other. I wonder which one will have to move out of the rented accomodation?
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We've just had a housemate move out of our house. He'd been there the longest, but his boss was a wanker and he had to leave, and where we live doesn't really cater well to 3D artists so he had to emigrate to London.
What's wierd, and very blokey is that although we waved him off yesterday, we didn't really notice his absence until today.
We were sat at home waiting for the latest in a series of potential flatmates (most of which seem to be missing some chromosomes), when we decided to go and rent a DVD.
It was only after a long drawn out discussion in the video shop about whther to get my personal favourite, Donnie Darko or The Sum of All Fears that we finally settled on the latter and an old Jet Li film.
I walked up to the counter to rent them out when one of my housemates suddenly called out:
"Rich, we haven't got a DVD player!"
The DVD player had belonged to the ex-housemate.
Now I truly know what it means to mourn.
Ah shallowness...
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Give me a Whoo, give me a Yay. Thanks to my local junk market (which usually caters in toddlers haute couture and glass collectables), I just picked up Golden Axe and Strider for the Mega-Drive for the grand price of one english pound sterling a piece.
That's on a par in the excitement stakes as finding an Original Golden Axe three player arcade cabinet that runs on 10p pieces in the back of a greasy spoon by the seaside!
Oh, Wild, them were the days... Bubble Bobble in Wells-next-the-sea...
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Anyone who's ever had a bad dose of the squits will know exactly what I'm taking about when I say, "wouldn't it be great to be floating in space with a heavy case of trapped wind?"
Oh come on now, you've all thought it!
Just me?
Oh.
Well, you might not have thought about it, but you'll be on the subject all day now because Gasteroids is likely to hold your attention for more than just a few minutes. Its Asteroids, but smellier.
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Yay and woo for us!
A UK weblog written by 3 eejits who couldn't find their way out of a pintglass even if you put dropped in one of those little ladders designed to help terrapins and that features about as much femininity as the East German Bearded Women's Shotputting Team has somehow managed to become the secure the top Google spot for the following phrase 'UK female weblog'.
Its bizarre, yes.
As an aside, whilst writing this I found the following 'Bearded Lady' related websites.
Bearded Lady Piercings, where Aimee, the eponymous piercer can give you a Prince Albert for a very reasonable price (slightly not safe for work).
and The Bearded Lady - a BBC site where "The Freaks Come Out" and where amongst other things you can discover how much you poo per day. Educational.
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We funjunkie editors could hardly be described as "Technophobes", what with sitting in front of computers for 90% of the day, building software, finding things to keep you people amused, and taking the piss out of Reg by playing photoshop games with an image of his head, a donkey's arse and a welsh rugby team. Obviously I needn't go into detail...
But although I may be a techno-genius, there are some things which still manage to put me in the kind of mood that makes crowds of innocent bystanders run for cover. I'm talking about Fax machines, photocopiers and video recorders.
What the fuck is it about them? Utter fucking mystery to me! I've read the manuals several times. I've watched a 3 year old work the damn things. I've even read "Fax machines, photocopiers and video recorders for Dummies" and what do I end up with?
5 minutes of Neighbours instead of the latest 45 minute episode of 24, and a blank piece of A4 (torn). Bastards!
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The one armed bandit. The fruity.
They gleam with their mystic alure in the corners of dark rooms. They attract the nipper and the codger alike. They steal not only the money, but the minds of the players.
"I'll just put another quid in"
"I'll just put another quid in"
"I'll just put another quid in"
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Hey, of course I can DJ. I did a night once at my mates house. Yeah, I've got Charlie by the Prodigy. Nah, the B-side is much better. It's a shame they sold out so quickly etc
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Cricket.
Yawn!
Hang on, I find cricket hugely boring too. Thankfully, during this game, there's an invasion of man eating badgers, which look like wombats, which start eating the opposition, which you have to splat with your bat... it's just not cricket.
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I may have been the only one in the whole world who enjoyed Spaced Penguin from Monday, but just in case I wasn't alone in it's enjoyment, here's another game, Doom Funnel, which basically acts as a further 25 levels. Nice.
If you like that kind of thing.
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With a sky full of warm spring sun and bees lazily collecting pollen its enough to stir a small tear of joy and love to fall from your eyes.
So lets celebrate with a hard violent fighting game. Yeah!
I guarantee that Bloody Rage is the only steetfighter clone in the world that pits Yoda vs Lara Croft. You can use standard issue fireballs and dragon punches etc to defeat the likes of Optimus Prime, Spiderman and The Hulk.
Great stuff, and the rattling your keyboard makes as you attempt to pull of an explosive kick combo will make your boss think you're a good busy little employee typing up the minutes of the last meeting. You might even get a promotion.
Which is a bonus.
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I'm not sure I've got the hang of this erotic fiction lark either.
Still, can't be any worse than Alan Titchmarsh's erotic books...
At least his last one was a lot more erotic.
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As Homer (That's the character from The Simpsons, not the author of "The Odyssey") once said "Ooh! Erotic cakes!".
Okay, so Love Magnets may not be edible, but they are... well... oh fine, they're not even erotic! Happy now? Anyway, go out there and write your own Jilly Cooper novel.
Somehow I don't think I've got the hang of this yet...
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"Work fucking rules right now! All I've done for the past two weeks is masterbate to internet pornography!"
Well, quite!
Thanks to Funjunkie's very own NASA correspondent: Laura, for this one.
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Give a kid a bunch of crayons, and it will scribble. Give a 'grown-up' a virtual set of marker pens, and you get this.
Mention that it's fondue day, and I'll get all artistic. Send it on to a few people, like Taz or Kaiser, and things get out of hand straight away...
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Ok ladies, its Friday and every week we inform you that its actually illegal to work. Look, it says so here.
So, we've established that its illegal, so be a good citizen and hark at our Funjunkie Friday Games. Play enough of them and you get a free car!*
Snakeman Steve is a modern version of that old chestnut Snakes, except Steve seems to have evolved from his DOS based ancestors and can move in curves! Hooray for Darwin!
There's no molten cheese in it, but there are mice that Steve has to eat, so maybe the mice have been eating cheese, thus satisfying Fondue Day legislation on linkage.
* Offers of free cars will not be honoured.
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You know the scenario, you're lax on the washing clothes front, you've run out of clean clothes for the next day and you're not scabby enough to turn your y-fronts inside out.
So you wash your clothes that night and hang them out to dry at midnight in the vain hope that they'll be dry the next morning.
They never are.
Now if there's not a good way to start a morning then its by putting on wet pants.
Now ladies, its different for you. Ladies' skimpy G-strings are small and thin enough to be dried with a hairdryer whilst you do your hair that morning. Blokes' pants however are big, thick garments - a bit like the occupants (ooh reverend!).
So this morning I sit here in wet pants. Gah.
Thank the lord then that the delights of Fondue Day are upon us to raise our spirits with molten cheesic delight!
So raise with me a celebratory cup of morning tea in the honour of fondue! Fondue! Fondue! FONDUE!
You can't get pneumonia from wet pants can you?
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The sun shines a lot in Iraq. This gives cause to the enormous amounts of optimism that emanates from the Iraqi minister of information.
His recent rise to superstardom has only enforced his increasingly fatuous claims, and has given birth to a fansite, with probably the best URL in the world - www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/
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A bowl of scary banana biscuits for everyone, and make sure you pile on the workload and shout plenty! Its been one hell of a morning. Some evil bastard designed the email message which allows clients to mark their posts as "Urgent", with a lovely little red exclamation mark.
This of course means that 90% of messages which are work related (this counts for about 10% of my inbox) are supposedly urgent, leaving it to me to spend time sorting what is merely "Fucking Urgent!" from "Holy fuck! We're all gonna die if you don't do it yesterday!".
Today, everything has been the latter, and thus my life expectancy has once again been shortened by several years. But that will never stop me from serving our loyal readers, no siree Bob! So its with great pleasure that I give you this game to play, which is basically a seriously addictive version of billiards, but for the poor bastards who can't afford a table.
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There's a game called Kiss Up! in America where the aim is to drive through each state in the country and 'make out' with someone for at least 20 minutes (its called shagging in this country, and it doesn't last for 5 minutes, let alone 20).
My point is this: can we please be ultra-ultra vigilant in ensuring that no-one tries to port the game over to the UK? I don't fancy having to visit the mingers in North Wales. Or Essex for that matter.
I'm going to get Anne Robinson stylee welsh hatemail now, I guarantee it.
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Whaaaaat! The price of beer is going up again in this year's budget. If it was up to me, beer would be free, fags would cost a thousand pounds each, and bingo tax would paid in trays of meat.
Then again, when you run my tax model, unemployment rises stratospherically, government spending crashes, and everyone has to eat chips without ketchup. Damn it. I'll leave it to the stinking politicians.
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Everybody loves a bit of Bushwhacking... No no, this is not a sexual fetish of any sort, its the Should-be-an-Olympic sport of taking the piss out of everybody's favourite US psychopath: George We're rather good at bombing our own people Bush.
Mark Fiore seems to enjoy it more than most, but does it in a rather satisfying way. Okay so its all political, but its done in animation, so it gets the Taz seal of approval!
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It's good to be back, It's good to be back...
The people who mailed in to tell us that FJ was broken have already played this, but for the rest of you, here's tyre toss!
You don't deserve to play it if you didn't mail us. Oh, alright. You can play it. Go on then.
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Well its been pretty difficult over this last 24 hours. I'm fresh out of Casualty (That's the hospital ward, not the TV soap opera) after being mutilated by a slightly over antagonistic Wombat, Wild is currently cleaning the blood off the carpet in the server room, and we expect Reg's bollocks will grow back eventually, so all's not lost.
If you like apples, you'll love the taste of this little number... Reg, with his mullet of pure gold will be accepted into the community of Optikhog's scary hair club for freaks! With it's bold typeface and obligatory exclamation mark.
'My "friends" decided that it might be fun to publicly humiliate me. Join in the fun.' Oh, ha haha haa... aha ha hahahahahhaaaaaa!!! Ha! Oh man, you're killing me.
No please, do kill me now.
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Ah, a new day, a server up and running and not misbehaving.
What could be better than that?
Well, a top 10 of the world's urinals for a start. Good to see that England makes an appearance in the top 10 with a urinal thats since been demolished. For the most part, the male toilets in this country are the most abysmal, scummy, shite-stinky insect ridden holes of crap that exist anywhere on the Earth.
Conversely, the women's toilets always seem to play angelic music, have marbled floors, soft scents in the air and graceful attendants. Well, thats what our female FJ agents tell me, its not like I'm a (water)closet peeping Tom or anything.
I think I've said enough. How do I tell them because of the freezing process that I have no inner monologue?
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We've been down all day!
Immense apologies to you all, a wombat got stuck in the cables behind the servers and we couldn't fish him out without him snapping at our fingers.
Luckily, Domokun waded in and sorted the mess out, and normal business will be resumed tomorrow.
Gah.
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Keep the mullet? Simple yes or no. An endangered species? |
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It's the friday g...
oh.
It's still Monday, isn't it.
...but that's no excuse not to chuck penguins into orbit! Try you hand at getting the penguin back to his spaceship. Quite simply a lovely game. All 25 levels of it.
Getting a penguin 'hole in one' is very satisfying
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It's the friday game, it's the friday game... oh.
Hang on.
It's Monday.
......
It's the monday game, it's the monday game
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Oh happy day! Another long lost memory of childhood revived, repolished and repackaged specially for the web, so that monkeys like myself can come along and abuse them!
One of FJ's favourite weblogs, Scaryduck has discovered this fantastic online version of the trusty old Speak and Spell. Brilliant! Now that I've learnt all those bad words that the bigger boys keep using I can type them into this! Yay!
All I need now is an online version of Major Morgan and a BigTrak and my shallow life will be complete!
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UBI
Unidentified Beer Injury
I received quite an unusual Ubi this weekend. I woke up on Sunday to find my hands full of black splinters. Not the most painful of injuries, but very strange none the less.
I can't recall going anywhere near anything that would give me splinters... odd. Anyone else wake up with an Ubi this weekend?
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Monday morning, and although I feel like I've not slept for 3 weeks, its a good one. Why? Because the 3rd part of the Animatrix series has come out. Go out there and get seriously bored as you wait for 117 Megs of Detective Story to download.
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More Engrish for our wonderful readers from Japan (Current Japanese readership tally: 1.5). This time we're going to give our lesson using both words and pictures in a sort of infants school, watch with mother, tellytubbies, really patronising kind of way. (Although this one has Ninjas)
This way kids, through the round window... Home English Home.
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Taz, have you been on the rampage again?
Sentencing on a man who marched down Cardiff's main streets in his underpants smashing 43 shop windows with a spade has been adjourned for a second time for more psychiatric reports to be carried out.
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I am the King of Tetris. I can sometimes get in the zone, a bit like seeing the matrix, where I can play for hours at a time, racking up enormous amounts of lines. My powers were slightly diminished while playing this version however, due to the rubbish controls.
So why bother with a rubbish tetris clone I hear you ask. Well, it's Strip Tetris, innit.
NB After about level 3 it's definitely not work safe.
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After much speculation and several potentially damaging rumours, Taz has decided to investigate the strange object in Reg's photo. We took the image to the digital processing laboratory in the depths of the Funjunkie castle, 2 doors down from the changing room. Igor spent three hours enhancing and removing artifacts until we got to the finished masterpiece, which shows in no uncertain terms that the strange twisty thing is...
Reg, what the fuck is that thing???
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When I were a wee nipper I had a Spectrum 48K. One of my favourite games wasn't the hi-tech likes of Jet Set Willy, Knightlore or Daley Thompson's Decathlon.
No, I had a really lo-tech game called Donkey Derby. Its so obscure that the World of Spectrum doesn't even list it.
Imagine my delight then, to see that the Channel 4 racing team has recreated the basics of the game online (and much better looking than the spectrum version ever was) with this teaser for the Grand National.
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Diesel Sweeties seems to know exactly what I was thinking...
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Suprise suprise. Yet again I can't remember everyone leaving my house at the end of the evening. Luckily I took 32 pictures of them waving goodbye with my new camera. I don't remember Kev 'the Northern Monkey' getting oral pleasure for dessert either.
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So tomorrow is the grand event of the annual Grand National, the event where horses are put through extreme exhaustion and pain and sometimes even death to satisfy the gambling whims of our fine nation.
But even though I get quite upset about this, I'm a terrible hypocrite through and through, and so always seem to look forward to the office sweepstake every year. The arguments over how much everyone has to pay to enter (£2? Or perhaps we could push the boat out to £3?), the arguments over the draw and non-runners ("Oi! All 5 of my horses are non-runners - swizz!"), the smugness of the jackpot winner come the following Monday morning and the visible hatred of that person by everyone else.
So to help promote office disharmony, Auntie Beeb has created a helpful office sweepstake kit to help you out with the tricky administration of the event.
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I took a look at the callendar and guess what? Turns out its the last day of the working week! Starts with an 'F' and ends in a kebab and a taxi ride home at 3 in the morning.
Here on Funjunkie, Friday means the infamous (One day my pretties, one day...) Funjunkie Friday Games, and today we've got an absolute goldmine for you. Yes, that's right kids, we've been scouring the web all week to find you the best, most dazzling, fantastically wonderful, all singing, all dancing, spangly fucking games in the world! Today we've got you...
... wait for it...
Today we've got...
Fuck all!
Oh, there is this though. Its basically the age old favourite: Pong, but with a little bit of ping. "Little" being the operative word, because basically its nearly impossible to play. Ho hum.
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Give a man megaphone and he'll stand in the middle of town, shouting at every passing shopper about peace. You could cut the irony with a parsnip.
Give a man a web server, a bunch of tags like <b>, <font size="5">, <i>, and a selection of offensive colours... then stand back and watch the bizarre spew out like herd of cows suffering from Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy erupting from the mouth of Cracatoa. Captivating stuff.
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FJ local Jim E Ruff has too much time on his hands. First he supplied us with the chasm game (which can still be found below), now he's giving us a new spin on an old theme.
Stab the knife between your fingers 'Alien' style, but this time to an accuracy and time limit. You'll end up with not just time on your hands, but blood as well. Ouch. Post your times in the comments box.
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One of Leisure Town's totally classic prank calls:
-HELLO, I'm curious to know if you have fresh APPLES
-YES SIR!
-GREAT! SUCK A COCK!
*click*
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Taz, somewhat inexplicably, weighs into MR competition II with this...
 Cow + Monkey = Inside Taz's brain
Err, thanks?
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There's a hot topic flying round at the moment. Its on everyone's lips, even more so than the wo-ar.
If you were infected by some sort of evil mutagenic virus that gave you one extra limb, but you were able to choose what limb it would be before it happened, what limb would you choose, what attributes would it have and would would it let you do?
Me, I'm torn between an extra leg ending in a foot that had toes on the front and back of the foot. This would let me jump higher, run faster and be able to pick things off the floor with its grasping action. No more bad backs for me!
Or would it be a tentacle (must... avoid... freudian... slip...) growing out of my side with sticky sucker attachments that could elongate about 10 feet and grasp stuff.
Hmmm not sure.
What mutation would you have? Psychic powers not allowed, only physical changes.
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Sorry, couldn't resist the title (an ancient ancestor of mine was a Sunday Sport title writer). But you can probably imagine my apoplexy when I read the following:"Liz Hurley has confessed that if she was a man she would love to have sex with Victoria Beckham." Blimey. That would be some party eh? Nearly as eye-poppingly wondrous as the mere thought of Kylie and Danni Minogue having a sisterly lezza romp.
Did I say that out loud?
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The dust has barely settled since the pevious Magic Roundabout competition, and it's already time to kick start another one!
Last time we loved / hated robots. We had t-shirts, banners, badges and even a camper van telling people about it. For the next MR, we are looking for something new to love / hate. This is where you, the loyal readers of FJ come in.
What you have to do: Suggest a new love / hate theme.
If there are no ideas that we choose to go with, the winner will be the person who has come up with the best idea for promotional item / idea.
e.g. if we loved 'eggs', we could give away creme eggs to all the punters (this is a rubbish idea by the way).
The Prize: Well, this depends on the winner's idea. We will make a promo item (such as badge, t-shirt), and send them their own copy. So we don't effectively know what the prize is until the competition is over...
Full Story >>
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There's a bloody conspiracy going on here. My office is in an enterprise centre, and there's a pop bottle machine in the communal kitchen. Now its fair to say that I like me Diet Coke (None of that Pepsi shite... Hi to the Coca Cola company by the way), but generally I'll be in more of a Sprite (Are we getting paid for this?) mood.
I really like Sprite (Thats got to be worth something). Its a quality non-alcoholic, effervescent beverage. But what's pissing me off is that for the past 2 months, the company who fills the machine have never refilled the fucking Sprite (Hi again)! There's a fucking Sprite (I've totted up 6 references to Coca Cola brands now... er 7 in fact) button, so why the hell is there never any Sprite (Should be worth a fortune) in the fucking thing? The demand is here... I demand my Sprite (Make the contract out to Funjunkie, UK)!
Why do these people wish to make me so upset?
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Things to do on a Wednesday morning in Newcastle.- Get up early and jump in the car.
- Run back in the house to put some clothes on.
- Get back in the car and drive towards the city centre.
- Sit in a traffic jam 100 yards from the house.
- Leave the car, run back to the house and grab a coffee.
- Get back to the car and continue waiting.
- Finally park the car near St James's and put money in the meter.
- Notice the queue outside the stadium is in the wrong place.
- Realise that the queue you're about to join actually goes all the way around the stadium.
- Swear a few times and join the end of the queue.
- Stand in the same place for 30 minutes.
- Send mate off to buy a coffee.
- Move a few yards and then stand in the same place for 30 minutes.
- Repeat
- After 90 minutes and 50 yards, leave when all the Newcastle V Man U tickets have been sold out
- Swear a few more times.
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Warning: Digital cameras can seriously damage your furniture.
I even washed up my dishes last night to kill some time while my battery was charging for the first use on my new Nikon. Don't worry, I won't go into geek mode like Wild did last week, when he got his new camera. Anyway, I digress.
Yes, washing up. And answering the phone every two minutes when Kaiser phoned up and said 'have you taken any pictures yet?'. 'No I F@c*%g haven't!'
I was watching for the light on the charger to stop blinking. It did. I jumped up from my chair. The chair said - 'I can nee take it cap'un', and promptly broke.
The light hadn't stopped blinking. I sniffed.
 My broken chair, yesterday |
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Its been a while since we rolled out a post about the odd Google referrals that we get, but here's a selection of the latest batch we've been hit by:
I need UK white lady for searching boyfriend in Nigerian - The mind truly boggles. Really it does. Its now boggling over what 'boggles' means, but before it was boggling over the searching thing.
I go to the No Place - Sure you do mate. Back away from the Slush Puppy machine with your hands up.
Things to do when you're drunk. - You've come to the right place my friend.
And finally:
Millipede for free in the uk - If you have to ask, then you'll never get. Free Millipedes are only given out in extreme emergencies, and even then with extreme caution.
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Strange things that parents say to their kids...- Running: "You won't get there any faster"
- "Don't eat with your mouth full"
- Kid screaming in the supermarket: "I'll give you something to cry about"
The logic escapes me.
I'm going out now to run the 100 yards dash holding a large pair of kitchen scissors...
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Okay, so you've run out of duct tape have you? Well don't worry about it. You were only likely to suffocate yourself by building a US style Nuclear Attack safe room and forgetting to leave any oxygen tanks in it. No matter, we have science to the rescue in the form of Laura who is Funjunkie's new expert from NASA.
Scientists know everything there is to know about stuff, and quite possibly... things, which is handy when faced with a potentially irritating emergency.
This message has been brought to you by the people who invented the Human Centrifuge.
Cheers Laura
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Thanks to FJ reader Jim for sending us this one.
If you've got some spare time on your hands (and we know that you have as we've just phoned your boss and gotten you sacked for porn abuse), then have a go at The Chasm Game.
Its a point and click affair with loads of devilish puzzles to try and overcome.
When you've finished it we'll try and get you reinstated at your old job, but don't expect miracles. Admit it, you hated it anyway, and being on the dole is so much more fun.
Well, that's what George and Andrew tell me anyway, so it must be true.
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My cat died today.
Hahahahahah! You idiot! I can't believe you fell for that! You must be so stupid! Its not dead at all! April Fool's!
Oh, hang on, I don't even own a cat. And its past midday, which means my April Fool's doesn't count, and it wasn't even remotely funny.
So pretty much like every other April Fool's today then.
Chips Banned?
Oh, no sorry, it was an hilarious ruse from the BBC.
And how funny are those Italians?
Side splitting stuff, if monotony causes your sides to split. If they'd done it on any other day than April Fool's then it might have been funny.
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Well I'll be a gibbering fish burglar... Wild's only gone and floated Funjunkie on the stock market! No warning to the rest of us... no "By the way lads...". Nothing. Now I know why the Funjunkie dressing room was practically silent this morning.
Okay fairplay, its not really Wild thats sold us out, but some strange bugger who's dreamt up Blogshares, which is basically Celebdaq without the Orange and Purple... or the TV program... or the celebrities...
So another daft fantasy whatever game to keep us entertained for more than 2 femto seconds, which is worrying. Worrying because Wild seems to be an expert in these things. He's whupping Reg and I on Fantasy F1, he was annoyingly good at Celebdaq (until we got bored) and his portfolio for Fantasy Spank the Monkey was outrageous!
Low share price though.
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Three cheers for stupid pointless flash games that don't make a lick of sense!
What the fuck you're supposed to be doing, I don't know.
How the fuck you're supposed to do it, I don't know.
Why the fuck I keep getting killed, I don't know.
But its summer, its hot and its time to throw water bombs at that toffee nosed, loud mouthed, crater faced, annoying little scally from next door.
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Six days. That's how long it has taken for FJ regular Kaiser to come up with another alt moded term. His mind works like lightning. So, in his honour, I reopen the case book to add:
Pillock - a person of small worth
We've all had a bit of time to think of some more, so let's see what we can come up with this time. I've got a few:
Fizzog - face
Bonce - head
Conk - nose
Comment with your other newly remembered alternatives.
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I was hoping to post a link to the new Animatrix movie that should be out today, but it's not up yet. And let's face it, about 50 million other people will be trying to download it at the same time as you, and it would be total gridlock.
So instead, I present (in glorious LEGO-vision) the trailer for 'Star Wars - episode three'. You may want to download it over lunch. It's quite a large file.
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DeathGob
