|
|
The Summer Burn has started! Check your inbox now. |
Send us news / links / sites
|
|
|
We love good wholesome family fun here at Funjunkie Towers, so it probably comes as some surprise that none of the stuff we tend to post fits into any of those categories.
Good? Er, no.
Wholesome? Not likely.
Family? It depends how dysfunctional your family is.
Fun? We like to think so, but you be the judge.
So here's some more fun for you, and you might possibly notice small dose of family.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Well, the mystery goes on.
Mere minutes after being handed the prestigious honour of becoming a Funjunkie Editor EggMayo bolted for the hills, clutching only a soggy egg pumped baguette and her trusty flamethrower.
What it's all about, we're not sure, but there's been a lot of sirens up in them there distant mountains.
We can only wish her good luck in her escape from justice, and hope the death toll remains relatively low.
The wombat wants her to come home soon so he can ask her how she likes her eggs in the morning*.
*With Mayo obviously, certainly not drenched in wombat jism**
**Although we can't 100% confirm that till she comes back.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Wow, what a fantastic day! Not only is the sun shining, but it's friday (in case you haven't already noticed), it's a bank holiday on monday and I received some goodies from Deathgob in post this morn, one of which is firmly attached to my bosom.
Trust me folks, the day can only get better and the following game is absolute proof of that.
Hapland 3, as if the other 2 weren't frustrating enough.
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
It’s Friday.
It’s payday.
It’s just before a bank holiday weekend!*
Grab yourself a cup of tea and make yourself comfy. Today’s all about slurfing, and you can do a lot worse than helping Professor Fizzwizzle** find his way back to the lab. We sent him out to get some jammy dodgers at 7am, and we haven’t seen him since. The biscuit barrel is looking ominously depleted, and that’s just not on for a Friday. Especially one that’s a pay day as well. Just before a bank holiday. Inexecusable.
*Yep, even here on Mars
**Yep, that is his real name
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
I had a funny dream last night.
Two men dressed as pantomime horses (they were the rear ends of 2 separate horses) plied me with jelly babies and parma violets until I agreed to tell them where the secret squirrel lived. Now I don’t know who the squirrel is, what it does, or why men dressed as horses arses are after it. But I woke up with the distinct taste of nuts in my mouth – explain me that, eh?
Anyway, when I happened across this squirrel in it’s pants message sender it just seemed like serendipity. So Send someone A Squirrel in it's Pants today.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
As discussions break down during groundbreaking political debates, two great minds become entwined in their mutual cognitive battles. Arguments are put forward and torn apart by the opposition, followed by counter arguments backed up with facts and evidence. The battle remains that of wits and intelligence.
During such a gruelling debate, both parties involved will consider the opposing arguments carefully, taking apart every sentence and scrutinising them for loopholes and lies. Reputations are built and destroyed on a single twist of words.
The deadlock can last for hours, and sometimes the stalemate can only be broken by a single voice. The atmosphere becomes tense, the general noise of the crowded room increases, slowly at first but rising to a crescendo of epic proportions, then suddenly to be snuffed out as everyone turns to face one lonely person standing on his chair.
All eyes are on this one man, except for the two leaders in the middle of the room who still stand face to face. The hush lasts for what seems an eternity, as this new face surveys his surroundings. He smiles, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath...
"Fight!"
"Fight! Fight! Fight! FIGHT! FIGHT!! FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT!!!"
The crowd erupts.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
You're probably wondering what Taz is doing posting this early in the morning. I would tell you an amusing story explaining my morning schedule, but that would give you something to read, and who wants to read on a Friday?
No. First thing on a Friday morning you want to be sent into a blind panic, followed closely by frustration, continuing on to utter rage. Trust me, I know this. I asked the experts.
"Experts!" I said, "What do people want on a Friday morning?"
The experts sat around the table for a good 5 hours, leaving the room only to relieve themselves and phone their mothers to explain why they wouldn't be home in time for supper. The chief expert then stepped forward and said in a booming voice, "Blind panic. Frustration. Utter rage.". The experts aren't really talkers.
So there you have it. Conclusive proof if ever you needed it. Now go play Four Second Fury, or else!
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Sometimes the FJ inbox has a link hanging around in it for ages that no one can be bothered to post. These “dead dogs” start to smell after a while, so we occasionally have to clear them out. So here you are, a dead dog of a link, just before the body starts going into liquefaction and the maggots burst out of its eyeballs.
Say hello to a Ford Capri with loads of toy cars stuck to it. To make it look like the General Lee. From the Dukes of Hazzard. For some reason.
I can’t believe that got Arts Council funding
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Remember Stinkfactor? You probably don't, and it's no use checking Google because the site that spurned a thousand stupid challenges around the globe no longer exists. Ripped off by many, equalled by none... it was a sad day when they ran out of bandwidth and gave up the ghost.
Still, for all those with a lack of inspiration who no longer have a source from which to steal their ideas, there's now something new. Just over a month old now, Rutless is already getting it's cast members to stand on top of the highest mountain dressed only in a nappy, hold aloft a sword and shout "By the power of Greyskull!"
That should give you something to read while I get another few gallons of coffee down me.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
Golf has never been the sport of choice here at FJ Towers. The gravity on Mars just doesn’t agree with the balls in the same way it does on Earth. Or that’s Badger Mushroom's excuse anyway*.
However, Tiger Woods’ recent outburst suddenly got us all interested again. The word “Spaz” gets mentioned, and we all start paying attention again. So here we are, at the l7th hole, plonking everything into the water. Let’s hope you have better luck.
*Actually, he might not have been talking about golf at all. He just started talking about balls again, and everyone just stopped listening.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Now it’s not often that we recommend you go and buy stuff from other sites*, but today’s a special exception. This new t-shirt site, as well as having lots of high quality merchandise, has allegedly got a secret special I Hate Reg section hidden away on it somewhere. I know you’ve all been clamouring to get yourselves some secret special I Hate Reg paraphernalia for quite some time now, so off you pop.
Please stop sending in all the I Hate Reg mail now. Sometimes it’s hard to open the door to FJ HQ in the mornings because it’s piled up so much. It never gets read anyway. It gets shredded and used as bedding for the wombat.
*Not after last time anyway. We got sued by the National Swedish Dockers Federation for suggesting they all bought electric pogo sticks. Those incompatible plugs caused no end of trouble.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
Transformers, robots in disguise!
But wait. That’s not a robot in disguise. That’s a bloke disguised as a robot in disguise. Confused? Not as much as Taz was when the red Lamborghini screeched to a halt in front of FJ Towers. He thought it was the taxi he’d just called, and he tried to climb in the passenger side! Oh my oh my, how we laughed at his innocent mistake.
It’s a shame the bloke disguised as a robot in disguise had to spend two weeks in intensive care with a ruptured windscreen wiper and fractured door handle.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Eggs.
Everybody loves eggs. As sure as eggs is eggs, eggs will always be on the menu because there's just so many things that can be done with them. Where would we be without eggs? No omelettes, no boiled, poached, scrambled or fried eggs for brekkie, no mayonnaise, no meringue, no cake, and worst of all, there would be no Great Goose Egg Experiment, which was arguably one of the finest experiments in the history of science as we know it.
But what happens when you run out of eggs in the middle of the night, miles from the nearest 24 hour supermarket, and in the middle of a cake baking emergency? Is there an egg substitute? Perhaps you could get away with using a different kind of egg? Perhaps you could use Cadbury's Cream Eggs.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Got your big chunky black boots with too much chrome glued to the sides? Got yourself a long black leather coat that you think makes you look like Neo from the Matrix? Got a silly haircut and a bit too much mascara? Got a wardrobe so full of black and purple that small stars, matter, and time itself frequently gets sucked into it?
Yes?
Then you sir/madam, are probably a goth.
The trouble is, your name is a bit too twee for a goth. It's all very well dressing up as Brandon Lee but if your friends still call you Tarquin, the effect is somewhat ruined. I'd suggest you get yourself a better one like mine: Vlad Razorcut.
There, that's better. Now be a dear and go fetch my black lipstick... I've got an important business meeting to attend.
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Since it was St George’s day yesterday, if anything made proper sense, today should technically be a bank holiday.
Therefore, claim back the rest of the afternoon for yourself, and play a game that’s a tiny bit like Deal or no deal. If anyone asks why you’re not doing any work, say you’re honouring St George and his valiant dragon slaying efforts. By playing games. While you’re meant to be doing something “more important”.
Cheers Bickers
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
Happy birthday Ma’am!
Here at FJ Towers, we’re all getting smashed on Pimms to celebrate the Queen’s 80th birthday. It’s the only decent thing to do.
We’re also, in a slightly unconnected way, playing a game where you have to park a car. Now, we’d love you to share in our Pimm’s drinking, but to be quite honest, we couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. Although we tried once. So in compensation, we’ll magnanimously just give you the link to the car parking game. You’ll have to supply your own Pimms. Sorry about that.
Cheers Mr. C
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Behold, the almighty Tank Chair! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
No, obviously not. I must keep my plans for World Domination to myself. You were probably thinking about Tank Chair Footy or Tank Chair Synchronised Swimming or something. Maybe you should put in an application to be on the Board of Directors for the London Olympics. We’ll get the wombat to write you a covering letter if you want.
Then again, if you bought one today, and you got express delivery, you might get it in time for the London Marathon this Sunday. Which would be nice.
Thanks T.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Psst!
We've got some good news for you.
Full Story >>
|
| (comment on this? [9]) |
|
|
Jumping beans. Everybody loves jumping beans, be they young or old, male or female, human or other... the people I mean, not the beans.
Jumping beans are an important part of growing up. Society today wouldn't be anywhere near as advanced if it weren't for the fact that at an early age, every boy and girl in the world is introduced to the concept of jumping beans. Beans with a life of their own are what make the world turn around. It's a little known fact that planet Earth is hollow on the inside, and it's the billions of jumping beas rolling around the core that makes the planet spin. That's Science folks!
Here at Funjunkie Towers, we've taken jumping beans to the next level. We've just submitted a patent application for our new invention: Base Jumping Beans. It's going to be big... trust me.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Good morning to all you stud-muffins and lady-muffins! I hope you’ve been going to the gym for your daily workouts this week like we told you*. You’re going to need all that extra strength and stamina this morning, as you’re going to be shifting a lot of big cubes around.
When you’re done, come and join us in the sauna, and we’ll give you a good beating with the willow branches. That’s what you’re meant to do, right?
*Oh, did we forget to tell you?
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Hmm, a strange one this, but it comes from the Cuprinol school of naming, so it does exactly what it says on the tin. You control the naked* humans, fighting the marauding aliens, melee style, until Armageddon, simple eh?
Don’t come running to us when you break your mouse. Know what I’m saying?**
*But completely work safe
**No? Well play the game then you massive berk
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
A little late, but as we all know, it's better to be late than to be buggered to death by a rampant penguin. It's time for me to post our very first entry for the Funjunkie Design a Logo competition.
And what an entry! Not only is it entirely bizarre, but it's also a suitably weird size and shape, making it almost impossible to fit into any design.
Well done to Bob Fossil for that one, you've probably hit the nail on the head. Fantastic!
Plenty of time to get your entries in to be in with a chance of winning an exclusive FJ T-shirt, but don't leave it too long or we'll have to send out the Blood Wombats.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Snacks.
They're ACE! They fill the little voids in the day between arriving for work, nicking out for a poo/smoke* and returning back to your domicile.
There's only one problem. They're too damn small. You're only just finishing wiping off the traces of a Viscount from your lips** when your cavernous belly cries out for round two.
But no more my friends. Thanks to the hard research of forum regular lal-lal we bring you Pimp My Snack.
It's your favourite naghty nibbles on steroids, and they're coming to kick your stomachs arse until it cries like a little girl.
I'm heading for the Funjunkie Towers kitchens to cook me up a monster twiglet. Shizzle!
*If you must multitask PLEASE remember which hand is which.
**The biscuit. You pervoid.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Were a resposible lot here at FJ Towers, so we’d never condone mindless graffiti. If however you had put in a bit of thought into it, then that’s absolutely fine.
Take for example the kidz over at Graffiti Research Lab. They’ve put loads of thought into doing something decent, and their LED throwies are absolutely ace. Good work.
Cheers Kaiser
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Do you like Monkeys? Do you like Bananas? Do you like silly games? Do you like rubber Monkeys collecting bananas in a slightly silly game format? If you answered yes to any of the above this one's for you.... Orangutwang.
Badger Mushroom got so excited about this one he swallowed a small marsupial*
*I might be lying about this**
**though it's been known to happen
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Oooh, you are a lucky bunch of bunnies aren't you!
Why? Well, because we have decided to throw a few Friday games your way a day early, mainly because it's good Friday tomorrow and we'll all be having a day off, sleeping in and whatnot.
Keeping in the theme of the whole religious festival ting, I bring you Wrath, simply you're God and you smite your minions and some cows. Eggscellent!
Mines a Galaxy Truffle Egg if you're feeling generous.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
You are lucky people. As tomorrow is a Bank Holiday in the UK (but not on Mars. I’ll still be up at 4.30am to muck out the wombat enclosure) we’re going to post some lovely games for you today.
If like me you enjoy puppets and moderate bodily harm in equal measure, this game’ll suit you to a tee. Try to fire the Muppet Show’s Gonzo from the professional stunt cannon into the professional bucket of stunt water…..The Great Gonzo’s Ridiculously Dangerous and Downright Foolish Stunt Game - don’t worry if you miss, he’s just a puppet (though I tried using that excuse when I let Taz fall down an empty lift shaft the other day – but they just sent me to the naughty corner)
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
Hello my little Funjunkie followers. Today is the day you get to be all interactive with Funjunkie. Today is the day you get the chance to win yourself an exclusie Funjunkie T-shirt. Today it seems, is the first day of the rest of your life!
Excited? Of course you are. You've been trying to get hold of one of our T-shirts since Badger Mushroom painted all of his pants orange. Well now you've got the perfect opportunity.
All you have to do is send us your idea for a new Funjunkie logo. You can mess around with our current one if you like, or you can design an entirely new Funjunkie logo. We don't mind. We're not fussy. That's how laid back we are here at Funjunkie Towers. Just look at EggMayo... she's so laid back that she's never even posted an article!
So it's up to you. If you want to play with our existing logo you can download a psd file here, or a gif file here for those of you who don't have Photoshop.
Send in as many entries as you like to competition@funjunkie.co.uk*
Whether you win or not, we may display your logo on the site over the next few weeks. First prize is a Funjunkie T-shirt. Runners up will get some FJ badge nonsense.
*Remember to delete the spam block
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
Well I suppose it's about time we actually posted a Funjunkie Friday Game that's worth playing. I know, I know... that's not really in keeping with the spirit of Friday, but sometimes we just feel so damned sorry for you all. Look at you... sitting there in your grey shoebox of an office, continually being harassed by the boss to do some w... www... wwuuu... work! There, I said it.
You deserve better. You deserve to spend the rest of the day annoying the hell out of bees. Yes that's right, bees! Everybody loves annoying bees, it's just one of life's little comforts. So go out there and give them something to think about... all the cool kids are doing it these days.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
Yeehaw, you is ah fine lookin bunch today! Ah'm a gonna git me a mess a beans and some critter road kill an jus bar-bee-que em up.
After ah've filled my belly ah'm a gonna go kill me some small furry animals, cos that's how we's like ta relax aroun these parts*
Ahem....So join me in some senseless backwoods violence (possibly involving moonshine and shotguns), as Farmer McJoy avenges the death of his cows.
*apologies are made for my appalling hill-billy'esque language
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Fighting is bad. Fighting kittens on the other hand is very good. Especially when they have special furtality* moves. Now before you phone the RSPCA and report us, the kittens were fighting anyway, whether we put money on them or not. You can’t prove anything. They chose to wear those little suits. You’ll never take us alive. Aiieeee… (etc)
Do you see what they did there?
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
On my day off I could think of nothing better than slurfing about to find you guys a game for today.
I managed to find something close to all of your hearts and the content of many a thread on the boards, yes, it's a poo related game.
Panik poopascoopa, it's got platforms and poo, which you need to collect.
|
| (comment on this? [4]) |
|
|
Another year in film, another chossy sequel of an animation that was originally filled with all sorts of sentimantal and moralistic nonsense. Now call me a twunt if you will, but I don't like fork out 5 whole English spondoolie vouchers for entertainment's sake, only to have to sit through a couple of hours of educational video that shoves it's Be nice to people message through my eyeballs and drills it into my brain.
...and the moral of the story is...
Who gives a crap?
Still, they do have an online game that features a pterodactyl, so I'm willing to overlook all that crap for a few minutes. Only a few mind.
You've got my pitiful score of 1214.2 to beat.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
Sorry about the late start on this week's Funjunkie Friday Games, but you see I've been somewhat tied up this morning. Not literally of course... that was yesterday, but enough about that.
You see there were these voices... and the voices repeatedly told me to go down to the kitchen and make myself a couple of sausage butties. "Sausage butties with brown sauce" they said, over and over again. I resisted at first, and I was holding out well until 9.30, but then all hell broke loose between my good and evil consciences. Words were said, insults were exchanged, there was a brief non-speaking moment as they sulked, and then a rather bloody fist fight ensued, ending in a call to the emergency services. Both have been carted off in seperate ambulances and I've been left without my usual reasoning.
Fuck it, I thought, and fired up the grill. So I sit here fattening up on some serious grease. Does this have anything to do with the first Funjunkie Friday Game of the week?
Er, no.
77 to beat. Post your scores in the comments area.
|
| (comment on this? [3]) |
|
|
I apologise if I seem to be posting about balls this week, but keeping up ones ball skills is very important. Especially when you're a musician.
So here's a man playing the piano with his balls*... The ball piano Impressed? You will be.
*not those kind of balls you prevert!
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
|
it might be an exit
it might be a trap
it might be just a dream...
Kawa. Whatever it is, it's going to annoy the hell out of you for the rest of the week.
|
| (comment on this? [1]) |
|
|
You lucky, lucky people. I should’ve waited until Friday to give you this, but frankly it’s so good I had to post it now. You don’t believe me? Well here’s one happy user…
Josh Nimoy's 'BallDroppings' was the only way I got off my crack habit.
-- James Clar, EyeBeam.
Convinced yet?
It’s an incredibly addictive game that involves nothing more than drawing lines to stop falling balls…”Balls fall from the top of the screen and bounce off the lines you are drawing with the mouse. The balls make a percussive and melodic sound, whose pitch depends on how fast the ball is moving when it hits the line.”
This does it no justice though, I ended up playing on it for over 2 hours last night – my missus was stone cold, and my cocoa was ignoring me by the end.
So, come on and get creative with your Balls… Ball Droppings *
*No I didn’t just choose this game because it has a slightly rude name. What do you take me for?
**It is a download only game, sorry, but it’s worth it!
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
Ah, it's midweek, and I'm still cleaning the weekend out of my eyes.
It does get a bit lonely out here on mars being the new boy and all. The others only let me out of my room when they want a cup of tea and a bacon sarnie.
But it's not all bad, oh no. The wombats have just about finished marking me as their territory. The smell's not too bad once you get used to it, though I do keep sticking to any small object that I brush up against.
Anyway to cheer myself up I've been sending myself messages in the guise of Tom Baker. Tom Baker says.... You should try it, it'll wash those blues right outta your hair.
|
| (comment on this?) |
|
|
It’s only 18 days, 21 hours, 44 minutes and 03 sec…
oh wait
It’s only 18 days, 21 hours, 43 minutes and 59 secon…
damn!
It’s just over 18 days until the London Marathon. Luckily for you, the staff here at FJ Towers have been training up Jimbus, one of our crack cocktail developers, to be fit and healthy on the day so you don’t have to be.
Just sit back in your wheelie chairs and relax, safe in the knowledge that you don’t have to do any strenuous exercise. If you want to sponsor the poor guy a few quid for doing all the hard work, make your donations here.
|
| (comment on this? [2]) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Close Encounters of a Musical Kind
Igor Stravinsky was very happy with his closing music for the ballet "The Firebird" but when it was pointed out by his friends in the pub that John Williams had used almost the same thematic structure in the music for the closing scene of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" he decided to use a radical new musical form which lead to such masterpieces as "Petrouschka" and "The Rte of Spring"
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
|
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Tommy Cooper |
|
| Women: Tiptoe through the TwoLips |
|
|
|
DeathGob
