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Things that I saw broken this weekend included:- The shower cable in our flat (> 5 months)
- My car (various bits hanging off)
- My girlfriend's car (won't move)
- My new t-shirt (wore once, washed it, ruined)
- fecking RealPlayer on my laptop (big bag of bollocks that it is)
- my sense of humour (no change there)
- my little toe (managed to pull my toenail off)
- my head (too much booze)
- the plastic bag dispenser at Sainsbury's
- a dog (it had 3 legs)
- a web app I built (bah. stupid bugs)
- an egg I dropped (arse.)
- A pair of my socks (actually, all my socks)
- a biro
- and my keyboard (like a twat, I spilt a thoroughly good pint onto it and now its fucked)
Doh! Looks like I better report them all to This is Broken. That should keep em busy.
What did you see this weekend that was broken?
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Men, primitive animals with basic intelligence.
Women, moaning whingers.
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You're a stickman. You'd think that would be trouble enough, but no, now you wake up and you've mysteriously been sent to the 2nd Dimension!
Arse. Must stop eating the dried up mushrooms on leftover pizza.
So anyway, you're in the 2nd dimension. What to do? Well, why not do whatever anyone else does in a similar situation - go to university to get smart enought to get a job to make you rich enough to buy some weapons to make you able to walk into a bar and split some guy's head open and kill him so that you can rifle through his wallet so that you can use his blood stained cash to buy some soft furninshings.
Its almost identical to real life isn't it?*
From the makers of last week's fantabulous Defend Your Castle comes StickRPG!
* What do you mean it isn't like everyday normal life? You don't like soft furnishings?
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Q. what happens when you cross two of the world's finest games: Pacman, and Bomberman?
A. You get a surprisingly playable game called Dick Dynamite actually, run round the maze collecting the treasure and powerups, and drop bombs in their places to kill off the bad guys.
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Late in the day, late in the week, and somehow I find myself asking the inevitable question: "What is a Pikeman"
After being informed that This is a great site, I decided to take a look for myself. I quickly came to the conclusion that I dont have the faintest idea what it is.
"It is well known that Pikemen are a cut above the rest, not just in looks and charm but also in the brain department. So if you've got a problem and no-one else can help then who better to ask than a Slannings Pikeman.
Any questions asked here are guaranteed to be answered by a genuine Slannings Pikeman in complete confidence. You have our word on that."
Seems fair... so I asked the question "What is a Pikeman?""Search for query 'What is a Pikeman?' found no results." Great! Anyone know what's great about it? Answers on a postcard to Kaiser.
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Will the Famous Friday Funjunkie Game Bonanza ever end? Will it? I mean, really, WILL IT EVER END???
Well basically, yes. Sooner or later (probably later), Friday will turn around, moon at the passing traffic and wander back down the hole it popped out of, thinking only of the hangover its going to get next week when it finally wakes up from it's six day sleep.
Fucking lazy bastards Fridays are!
I digress. The point of this post is to increase the FFG tally for this week... its looking good so far, you lucky lucky people. The good news is that we've got another few hours to waste before beer o'clock, so its time to start fighting like cats and dogs.
2 simple but genius games to keep you happy: Fleabag vs Mutt and of course Fleabag vs Mutt 2 (This time its personal). Speakers on people, speakers on.
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Although we may have run out of toast*, we do still have plenty of Parrots to go around... assuming that one is plenty.
Anyway, the point is this... you build the track, you race the cars, you get beaten by a parrot. Is that clear?
Pay attention because we'll be asking questions later.
*Apart from Reg who's been secretly hiding it under the Playstation at Funjunkie Towers.
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That's right boys and girls, its Friday!
Since the middle of the Jurassic period, Friday has been a day of fun, frolics and alcoholics. Which is handy for us because for the editors of Funjunkie: fridays, fun, frolics and alcohol go together like monkeys and cheese.
* "Do monkeys and cheese go together?"
^ "Of course they do you idiot! Shut up and finish hanging out the laundry."
Give us some Friday games to waste away the day and we're happy as pigs in shite. Which leads me onto my game of the day (That is until a better one comes along in approximately three minutes). More stick man (easy tiger!)fighting fun with this little beauty: The way of the exploding stick.
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This week's Funjunkie Friday Game isn't really so much of a big thing because we seem to have been linking lots and lots of games this week.
No matter! Everyone wins!
I'm not sure that we can get better than the Defend Your Castle game featured earlier on in the week as it was just so darned addictive and RSI-provoking, but this lil game, Look Alive, made me smile just for the fact that it involves maliciously kicking footballs at innocent kids, which was one of my favourite hobbies until the council took an interest in my activities...
Bah. Next they'll be saying that I can't superglue old people's shoes to the floor whilst they stand in bus queues. They're just out to spoil my fun.
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There must have been something in the air last night because we've had an influx of competition entries! There's Lord of the Rings lookalikes and lesbians, so make sure you take a look.
Remember, if you're going out this weekend - and surely you will be - take your cameras with you. You've still got over a week to enter, and there are loads of prizes up for grabs!
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If you thought the stuff on B3ta was some serious quality potatoshop work... well, some of it anyway... Y'aint seen nothin' yet buddy.
Human Descent takes it just that little bit further. The Cat-Parrot (or Carrot) has to be my favourite. Sort of brings a tear to your eye...
...oh no, that's hayfever. Nevermind.
Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Huh? I don't see anyone else around here...
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It has come to my attention that Slade are attempting a comeback. One of the Big Brother housemates is actually a plant, primed to burst into a rendition of "Mama, We're All Crazee Now" at the first opportune moment.
Here's a secret document discovered in the Big Brother Secret Files Department whilst the FJ team were posing as maintenance men there last week*.
 Dave Hill And Steph from Big Brother - actually the same person, yesterday
I have to admit, I had my suspicions even before we found that document. Its the dodgy fringe you see (that and the Black Country accent).
* We were actually there in disguise to try and find nude photos of Davina, but beggars can't be choosers.
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Having a quick look at the b3ta board is always a sure-fire winning way of breaking the monotony, and I've really got to share this beauty with you.
It made me smile - and that's generally quite a hard thing to do between the hours of 9 and 5.30.
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Some things are ugly. Some things are so ugly that you don't want anything to do with them. But then on the other hand, there are the ugly things that have great redeeming features, which allow you to see past the ugliness.
Take me for example, if you would. I fall neatly into the second category. At first site you want to smash my face in, but after you get to know me, you realise that my standoffish behaviour and irresponsibility are just a facade, and I'm actually a really nice bloke. The kind of bloke you don't mind going for a beer with, because you can have a laugh with me while still being confident that your the one who is going to catch the eye of the ladies.
This game of connect four fits into category two.
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This game particularly appeals to me - Kill all web designers!
You think you have it bad! I'm just sitting at my desk, minding my own business, and *bang*, another chainsaw wielding, ski mask wearing freak bursts in and tries to carve me up!
Then I wake up. And I have to think of a way to hide the keyboard imprints on my face. Especially the one marked 'Esc'...
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So, you fancy yourself as a bit of a Kamikaze pilot? Well you look like one!
Oh riiiiight, your wearing the 'divine wind' headband because you had a curry last night. I see now.
Anyway, you don't have to prove your suicidal tendancies (no, nothing to do with crappy 90's nu-metal precursors), because instead of jamming you Zero into the funnel of a cruiser, you can just carpet bomb the buggers instead. Bombs Away!
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It's time for another one of those annoying tests! You guys should be pretty good at this one. What you have to do is decide which pictures are real photos, and which ones are computer generated.
OK, to get you in training, this is obviously fake, but this is absolutely genuine. Confused? You might be...
I got tricked into scoring only 8 out of 10.
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Everyone likes playing toy soldiers don't they? Even yours truly has had a go in the past.
Have you thought about what happens when it all goes wrong? When Mummy makes you go indoors and takes your machine gun away. You know the gun that makes the really loud grating noise, pitched at the special frequency that kids are immune to, but drills into the cortex of anyone over the age of 16?
Well, you go indoors and play on the internet, don't you!
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If you are one of the thousands of people that are arriving here at Funjunkie looking for Zora Suleman pictures, yes, we are the ones who discovered the american footballer behind the scenes footage.
Since so many of you are obviously besotted with her, we have employed a psychologist to work out what she's really saying to the public while doing her news bulletins. Kind of in a Big Brother style, but with less money.
 Click image to reveal the truth! |
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For the British, making a proper cup of tea is essential. Its even more important than breathing.
This might leave the rest of the world scratching their liver spotted bald pates, but its so important that the Royal Society of Chemistry has decided to publish an 11 point plan (link leads to a PDF) which, when followed correctly, will produce the perfect cup of tea.
Cue the sound of Britons across the land shuffling in their seats with excitement...
This is a fantastic advancement of science. The knowledge that the British are leading the World in the field of modern tea preparation is enough to rouse even the most jaded citizen of The Empire to rush off and make a quick cuppa (remember, 3 minutes steeping time!).
Do you take sugar in that?
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As I predicted on Monday, Tim Henman has just scraped through to the second round of Wimbledon, which means he should be crashing out of the tournament any minute now...
and that brings me on to a couple of tennis themed games. Well, when I say tennis, I'm talking about a game that requires skill, sharp reflexes and years of training. Sorry Tim, you'd better get your coat.
Yes, it's Pong. If you'd like a cheeky update of the classic, try Wonder Bounce, or if austere simplicity is more your thing, try the Blur Crazy Beat version - which you can also download.
UPDATE: If the wonderball link doesn't work for you, try this.
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The deadline for submissions to the Finest Funjunkie Follower competition has now been extended to the 6th July.
You've got no excuses not to develop those films now. Get snapping - or else we'll send Jason round.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has finally come.
Dust off your G-strings, hose down the trainers - the 8th Air Guitar World Championships are open for entries.
Lets see if Brit Zac Monroe can bring home the bacon for the 3rd time in a row! Face it, there's more chance of him doing that than of Tim Henman winning Wimbledon."At the end of every competition all people in the world are invited to play air guitar simultaneously." So to invoke a planet of peace and love and understanding and Wyld Stallyons, probably.
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"Hi there, My name is Jerry and I love to do drawings!"
Plug is my personal favourite - the quintessence of parallel motivations and subtext evolving around modern day monologues on single-use, disposable theories.
Beautiful.
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Not content with chucking around the local peasants? Well how about you defend your baby factory instead? Make sure those pesky babies don't splat on the floor by guiding them into the giant blender with your portable tramploine.
Who said being a groundsman was dull work?
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Ok, you know that shipment of kidney beans that you asked me to get for you last week, all 689 tons of them?
Well, I did get them, its just that in doing so I managed to awaken an ancient tribe who were sleeping in a cave just north of the Cancer Research shop in Southampton city center.
I didn't mean to, I just kind of, well, killed a few of them when my JCB spilled a few tons of beans on their heads.
Its one hell of an unlucky coincidence I know, but unfortunately this tribe worships the kidney bean as a deity, and it seems that they've taken an immense dislike to your order - they see you as stealing their gods.
Its a nasty business, and I tried to talk to them but they just wouldn't listen. Now they're on their way over to yours to bash the gates down and save their beans and rip your guts out.
You know what you must do? DEFEND YOUR CASTLE!
gets difficult quickly.
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Its difficult to get through the summer when you're an Ice Hockey fan. People like me have to spend days in front of the Playstation, playing NHL, just to get that fix of bone crushing checks and fist fights. Hours spent sat in a living room with a bunch of lads, getting pissed and trying to maim the other player's team.
Yeah, life can be hard.
Fortunately for us, even though we're at work, we can still get to beat the shit out of a French Bread Pizza or a Crispy Pancake, and all in a kind of pseudo-icehockey stylie.
What do you mean, there's no food fights on NHL 2003???
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We've had even more entries into our digital camcorder competition today, and the standard is ramping up faster than Evel Knievel on a fast bike jumping over a convoy of moving buses while listening to David Hasselhoff smashed off his face on Special Brew.
Phew!
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Today marks the start of the small matter of some tennis. I personally think Wimbledon is a load of old tosh, we all know that Henman will scrape through to the second round, then fail like the miserable fool that he is against an opponent 15 years his senior. Who cares?
There is however one redeeming feature of Wimbledon. It means that Auntie can once again go to town and produce a bizarre downloadable John McEnroe. He'll not only keep you updated with all the (*yawn*) tennis news, but he'll keep saying You can not be serious! at random times.
It also means that you can play Tardis Tennis at any time. Yes, The Doctor has time warped the Bard and Queen Vic to do battle on the grassy courts of your desktop. Odd.
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This weekend, between getting soaked to the skin on bike rides and playing video games, I did a bit of painting for my exhibition that starts a week today.
I've been using all the testers that have been left over from my DIY experiments to colour my pictures. This has put me in good stead to play the paint game. Apparently "I know my paints".
Yeah, I can tell the difference betweem rusty frog and maroccan irn-bru. Piece of piss.
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Well, I have to admit I'm staggered.
You guys rock, all of you. We've had some more entries into our digital camcorder competition, and I've been blown away by the latest entries.
Firstly, Jason had a tattoo done in honour of us. A fucking tattoo.
Nicola sent in an entry which included feet, 5 way sex and a naked arse. The bare-faced cheek(s) of it!
Excellent, excellent stuff! More entries please! Originality and celebs please (although you don't need both).
Remember, all entries aren't being judged by us, they'll be judged by you the readers! You have one week remaining to get your entries in!
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For those of you who visit us often, you'll know that we sometimes like to check out the latest searches used on google etc., and somehow end up linking to Funjunkie.
Today we shall delve into the mind of our hero of the moment who was looking for clips of lobsters being boiled*. Or perhaps the pet lover who wanted to find a hamster yawning picture.
I think the genius of the day award goes to the person who thinks that women chuff. Well maybe on Thomas the Tank Engine they do.
*Note: while searching for a picture of a lobster to accompany this article, the 3rd image that appeared on Google was that of a naked bird on a yacht. We love the internet!
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The latest release of the Oxford English Dictionary has seen some fantastic new words added!
Scaryduck has been through them for us and selected la creme de la creme for us to use in our everyday conversations from now on, ya skanky, minging wazzock, ya.
Christ. The last time I heard the word 'wazzock' was when The Frog Chorus was number 1 in the charts!
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Y'know, its not just fridays that you should be drinking on. Its everyday.
I don't want to see you here unless you've had a skinfull - and I'm talking cowskin, not pigskin.
The problem with you though is that your heart's not in it. Now take pub locals - their own chairs, plaques, their own glass bottomed pint-tankers, the ability to get away with upsetting any non-local who wanders into the pub and asks for a lager-top and sits in their chair.
And whats more, they get to do it every day!
Now thats dedication to the cause. Help these people continue to do what they do. They're an important part of our cultural heritage and should be preserved (if the alcohol doesn't do it for us).
How can you help? Why - Adopt a Local of course!
Link via FJ's brand new web-buddies - Coolio's - you don't see them saving the booze for the weekend, I can tell you.
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Wild's FJ Friday Game didn't work, Taz's was far too taxing on the brain, mine has got NINJA'S!
How come I am so useless at this? My timing sucks.
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Taz has rightly pointed out that we should be down the park, sitting under the slide with a bottle of Thunderbird. Unfortunately, we're not all breakfast TV presenters, so we don't get paid lots of cash, then get most of the day off to muck about*. No, us mortals get paid peanuts to sit behind a desk all day and surreptitiously write weblogs.
What's my point? Good question. I had too much gin last night, and things aren't following correct sequences in my head. I think my point was, it's take your dog to work day. That will make you popular with your colleagues, won't it? Not that I want to be popular with them anyway. Sod it, I'm going to buy a dog, just to piss them all off. They'll probably love that, so it will back fire, so I'll snub them, and start up national take your car seat to work day instead.
*I know they get up real early
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You have a day off, you come back and find that all hell has been let loose!
Did you not see the fucking telly yesterday???
Just after the 7.55 news on RI:SE they showed the news reader - the lovely Zora Suleman, the picture that I 'tampered with'. On telly. And they quoted the bit about 'secretly flirting'.
Were you not awake? Why did no one point this out? Huh? Call yourselves fans? We were on TELLY.
That means we're famous. Signed pictures are available. Send in a 12p postal order. No. Don't.
All we need now is Zora and Iain Lee to enter our competition. Come on people at RI:SE, we know you're reading this!
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So you're bored on this lovely friday morning? Staring out the windows, wishing you were with those students and dole bludgers in the park, drinking beer and getting legless before lunch. Is that what you want?
Of course it is. Well we don't want you feeling all hard-done-by, so Funjunkie has the perfect solution.
Get fired!
Yes it really is that simple. You too could be out there drinking yourself into oblivion, picking up your fortnightly benefit cheques and generally lazing about. Just start playing The DaVinci Code at work, and you'll be out that door faster than you can say "Mona Lisa was a miserable bitch!".
I warn you... it takes a while to complete.
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What should you do if you're only nine years old and some nasty bugger's cast an evil spell on you? Naturally you should get married as soon as possible!
Oh yeah, just one problem... the only available bloke in the village happens to be partial to Bonios and Pedigree Chum. You don't mind do you?
Thanks to Dom for finding that one.
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A strange hotel indeed, guests staying at the Hotel Mercure in Budapest are given the following strange information, see if you can see what it is:
 Click the image to find the strangeness
Click on the 'Full Article' link to find out what's so strange about it.
Full Story >>
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Welcome to a glorious friday m'ladies and genteelmen!
Today marks the Summer Solstice - the first day of summer and the longest day of the year. Yay! Better get that sun tan lotion on and get out there sunbathing!
Oh, hang on, you're sitting in a hot stuffy office and the smell of people's sweaty pubic regions is starting to get to you? Thinking of attacking the work experience boy with the stapler? Dreaming of stuffing the report you're doing for your bloated arrogant boss up his arse?
Hmm. I can see this is a case for a serious dose of The Funjunkie Friday Games!
So lets release that pent up heat and aggression of yours out on Soulmech-Shinobu - its got ninjas in it, which is always, always a good thing.
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You know, he's a bit like a pitbull. Once those jaws have clamped down onto flesh, you ain't gonna release them except with some form of spiked mallet.
Manic's found his latest crusade - Member of Parliament Tim Yeo hijacked his campaign to make Tony Blair more answerable to his e-mail a few weeks back by saying that he was contactable by e-mail. He got lots of publicity for his stunt, but a week has passed since Manic sent him an e-mail, and still no reply adorn's Manic's inbox.
MPs like this do nothing to help the current apathy the British people have with politics in this country.
So what's Manic gone and done? Well, let's just say that Mr. Tim Yeo MP now has his own weblog. ;)
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Hey You! Greedy Capitalistic, Materialistic pop-tart swallowing ginger-headed freak boy (or girl)!
What do you mean you haven't got any Hulk products? Man, you're so whacked! They're the coolest things for guys and gals. There's like a movie, and a green guy who is strong, and he bashes stuff and chucks tanks and and then there's loads of stuff - smash bash crash hahahahahahahah! Hulk is cool! Buy all of our products, spend spend, spend! Your life will be better if you do.
Look, JUST BUY OUR FUCKING HULK MERCHANDISE, ok?
We spent a lot of time designing them and making them good. Apart from the fact that it took us not time at all and they're as shit as they've always been.
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God bless Popbitch. Its come under fire from some quarters recently, but where else would you be able to find quality linkage of the sounds that badgers make when shagging?
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Long live FunJunkie!
Whether you like us or not, we're going to hang around for as long as possible. A bit like a good eggy hummer. But less pleasant.
We've made up some posters to support the cause, and you can make one yourself too, if you want.
Just don't go round sticking them up in irresponsible places. The back of pub toilet doors are OK.
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All of the entries for our Digital Camcorder Competition so far are over on our brand new competitions page, but I really just had to share this latest entry.
 Click image to enlarge
Quite shocking behaviour, the Women's Institute of Leicestershire and Rutland will not be amused.
But don't be disheartened, you don't have to get naked to win the prize! So come on people, take a photo of yourself with a Funjunkie sign and you'll help banish Gav's nakedness forever!
Its the humane thing to do.
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So its a few days until the launch of the latest Harry Potter book and the hype machine is swinging into action, surreptiously advertising the book to adults, whilst pretending that the main targets are the kids.
Last night it emerged that 1000's of copies of the book had been stolen from a warehouse in Merseyside.
We were then presented with semi-adults upset that they might not be able to get their hands on their copies come Saturday and how upset the kids will be and blah blah blah.
Has no-one stopped to think how incredibly timely this theft is? Its really very convenient in terms of advertising isn't it?
I mean, why would you leave anything of value in a warehouse in Merseyside unless you wanted it nicked?
Before any starts to defend scallies, I'm from there myself *, so shut it.
* untrue fact
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It was about this time last year when I started noticing the grass dissapearing in my garden. It turned out to be a thriving metropolis of black ants, which had taken over and were steadily eating away at my carefully manicured lawn.* Now I have nothing against ants, especially black ants which can't even defend themselves, but I had to persuade them not to park their house in such an idylic spot.**
Last night, while standing in the garden chatting to a mate (Ewan), I noticed a very hemispherical mound of what looked like grass cuttings, sitting neatly in the middle of my lawn.*** Odd, I thought... that looks a bit too round to be just a clod of grass.****
...
*A 4 foot wide patch of brownish grass, moss and weeds.
**On the corner of a main road, opposite the closed down mental hospital.
***See *
****It should be noted that although I do cut my lawn, I don't necessarily tidy up after.
Full Story >>
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Ah, the art of writing in mud on the back of trucks. Summer wouldn't be the same without it. I hope whenever you see a dirty truck your index finger automatically responds by going into draw mode.
The classic 'also available in white', the jovial 'I wish my wife was as dirty as this', and the still to be bettered 'valeted by Stevie Wonder'.
Now there's a new one, inkeeping with the advancements in technology we have www.washme.com. Not quite as funny, but it sparked someone into buying the URL and setting up a site dedicated to the science of muddy truck calligraphy.
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The Tutti rozzers (whatever the hell they are) need to kill the sperm bank robbers. Tuttis appear to have a policy of "Shoot first, ask questions later.", which, in terms of daft flash games, is definately the way forward.
So... you guys shoot first, and no doubt we won't bother asking any questions later, other than "What the hell were you thinking when you chose to wear that tie this morning?".
Well?
Come on, I don't have all day!
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Everyone know what URL stands for don't they?
Unfortunate Resource Locator
Let's get into the mindset of the marketing group for this Italian Power Generating company:
Bonjourno, chums
Bonjouno, bella chief!
Tooday, we 'ave to deeside on ur website address. I think we 'ave to put some Latin spirit into it
Hows about'a Power Genitalia?
Thanks to new regular RM Debs for spotting that - did you watch Tetsuo-Bodyhammer last night?
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Of course, in modern day Britain, Eastbourne's streetlighting is superior than many towns the length and breadth of Britain. However, the current emphasis on functionality has led Eastbourne's streetlamps to become the bland, functional items of infrastructure that they currently are.
Blame the centralisation of fiscal control to the local council, as well as the generalisation of outsourced facilities management companies in this era of increased competition. I'd like to see more time and attention to detail, with specialised companies coming into play and replacing the grey sentinels that currently exist with ornate works of lighting art so that the town can rejoice once more. Should this happen I know that I would faint dead away in a moment of giddy joy, let alone Bob Cookson.
Via the as always excellent Scaryduck
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Right. I'm bored. And what do immature people like myself and you lot do when we're bored?
Why we go looking for stupid placenames in the UK of course!
When I were little, like, the only chance you got of finding some of these places would be on a long car journey as you drove past them.
But the interwebonlinedigitalthingie has changed all that for the better with searchable mapping websites. Now all I have to do is type in random words into somewhere like Streetmap and I can instantly guffaw at such results as:Great stuff. What can you find?
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For Sale: Bat of Justice!!! Slightly Used."Used mostly during in house smitings, though has been known to travel occasionally. No dings or dents. Long is the history of this once in a lifetime treasure. It began with a smiting by "Nathan The Mighty" using a much bigger bat of justice. When "Joe The Unmighty" decided he must acquire something to fight back. He went to the Famous Walmart and purchased for a pitance this much smaller and more insignificant bat of justice. This bat was remvoed from the posession of "Joe the Unmighty" who is unmighty for the fact that he acquired a bat smaller than that of "Nathan the Mighty." Not too mention was unable to prevent the capture of the "Bat of Justice." The bats were originally used to smite "Joe the Unmighty" at his glorious place of work, McDonalds." Bid currently stands at $5.50 - a bargain for this kind of advanced weaponry
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The results from last weeks' round of the BBCi 'Sexiest Bloke in Northampton' are out. Yours truly came a remarkable 7th out of 12.
*fanfare*
It's lucky that you like me for my razor sharp wit and intelligent chit-chat then!
Remember, you don't have to be in any way sexy, or even pretend to be sexy for the 'Funjunkie Favourite Follower' competition, and since there are only 3 entries so far, you'll be in with a pretty good chance of winning the star prize. Especially seeing the quality of entry number three. Shocking!
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Blud-um, blud-um, vll-blum-dum
The sound of a hang-over.
Blud-um, blud-ZZZt, krrch-schlung
The sound of a hang-over involving cheap Essex cider*.
So now you know what it sounds like, you can have a go at seeing what it feels like. Cider not included.
*Essex is not renowned for it's cider. It's known for it's boy racers and leopard skin clothing
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Wahey, it's summer! Let's spend the whole weekend outside without putting on any kind of sun protection at all!
Today I am a bit sore round the edges due to sunburn. I have got a red flying 'V' tattooed across my feet due to flip-flops.
As soon as there's even a hint of sun, people here in Blighty get their kit off. Sometimes that's nice, but if you're camping in Clacton-on-Sea, it's generally not that pleasant because people are generally slightly overweight or pretty old (sometimes both).
None of this has any relevance to do with Bug Racing.
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This weekend sees most of the Funjunkie editorial team going camping on the annual FJ beano. Luckily we're not going together. I'll be on the coast somewhere, and Wild will be stuck down Cheddar Gorge.
Taz will probably be driving around the west country like a loony, and getting cooked in his tin-can of a car, while stuck in traffic jams.
Anyway, I'm getting off the point. It's time to mothball the pac-a-mac for the weekend, and get some trendy summer 'duds'. Well, when I say trendy, I mean trendy for a bunch of blokes who don't usually see a lot of daylight.
p.s. Did I mention that it's my birthday soon?*
*December 22nd
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Poor troubled Adam Ant. He's clearly, sincerely and utterly madder than a colony of beavers walking down Luton High Street clad in Leiderhosen raucously singing "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing".
This time he's caused a ruckus in a cafe by stripping to his undies, berating children and settling down in the basement to write a gibberish novel on a roll of kitchen paper.
Sounds like a normal day at the FJ Towers to me. In the basement with his trousers round his head is where TAz does his best work.
(Link via the ever-hawkeyed Manic at Bloggerheads)
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"What do you get when you take roughly 20 Software Engineers, 225 meters of blue duct tape, 240 beer coasters, 4 America Online CDs and far too much free time?"
Err.. a bondage wombat?
No. A photostory of video game madness!
Right boys, it's the weekend, let's go one better...
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So its going to be a lovely hot weekend in old Blighty this weekend and you're wondering what on earth you're going to do with yourself.
Your friends have all gone to a Roxette gig without inviting you, your dog has left you for someone who doesn't keep dressing it up in medical outfits and your parents have arranged a grand orgy for all their neighbours that you don't fancy intruding upon.
What are you to do?
Hmmm. Tough one.
Perhaps you could dress up in leather and rubber and perv around the house like an old perv?
Or play solitaire... Its your choice.
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It's sunny outside. Get your arse off your swivel chair, and get rid of your nightclub tan.
Alternatively you can sit at your desk and live out your crummy sheriff fantasy by shooting all them bad guys!
Actually, you've probably got time to do both since the game only held my attention for 6.087 nanoseconds.
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Its Friday, and you know what that means by now, yup its Funjunkie Friday Game Day.
So lets kick off with quite possibly the most confusing game I've ever come across. God knows how it works, but in Mancala there are lots of snails moving across a table and cramming themselves into jars.
If I was drunk it might make some more sense.
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Human life on Earth.
Hast come to this?
A huge thermonuclear "life, get one!" device needs to be dropped on the heads of the massed throng here surely?
(warning. link leads to a 900Kb image)
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For those of you who have been reading Funjunkie over the last couple of days, you probably know that Reg entered a competition to win the title of Northampton's sexiest bloke. But here at Funjunkie towers, we want to give you the chance to be involved in a much higher profile competition.
Sod the free hair cuts! We're going to give you the chance to win some truly amazingly fantabulous Funjunkie prizes! That's right kids... We're giving away the top prize of a Digital Camcorder. Not only that, but the runners up will receive such sought after items as Space Hoppers and David Hasselhoff Merchandise!
You're stoked right?
So here's the competition:
The Finest Funjunkie Follower
We want you to send in a photo of yourself to be entered into the Finest Funjunkie Follower poll. Once we have all the photos, we'll put them to the vote and you lot get to judge the winners.
However, it aint just that simple. Here's the rules...
Full Story >>
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Welcome to Funjunkie. If this isn't your first time here, you might have joined us because you like our peculiar blend of stupid links and real life tomfoolery. Or you could be here out of sheer accident because you were looking for pictures of monkey sex, or Fred Flintstone f*cking Barney Rubble (yes, we get a lot of those every day).
If you are one of the regulars, has it ever crossed your mind how we got such a diverse cross section of the British public to participate in working here at FJHQ?
Well, we have a very scientific system of employment and promotion. Wild, the top dog here at FJ, gets potential employees, and puts them in a giant sling. He then fires them into the air, and if they land in a department, they're part of the team. If they don't, they're meat.
That's how I ended up lounging in the pool on the roof. Now, if it would only stop raining for a few minutes...
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The other day I accidentally left the house for work in just my boxer shorts.
Luckily though, I'm not alone in being a complete twat, others too have embarrassing moments, which make me feel much better, as most of them are far worse than me:
"I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I couldn't hold it, I would make a joke like the old pull my finger trick to divert attention.
One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. My boyfriend was there as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor.
At that moment we just stared in horror and disbelief! I could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my boyfriend!
I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers."
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There are a number of things that bug we British about our green and pleasant land... For example:- It rains quite a lot*
- The National Anthem kind of sucks**
- House prices blow considerably
- Wales
All valid arguments, and ones that spark up animated conversations every day in some corner of the UK.
However, It has never occured to me that our branding is anything to worry about. As a nation with a lot of history under our belt (quite a large belt in fact, as it has to get around the beer belly), we have a National flag which symbolises... well, stuff. But aparently its not right any more! Perhaps we need to jump on the bandwagon with such bigwigs as BT or BP and rebrand.
Perhaps not.
*Actually this doesn't bug me one iota.
**I am entitled to my opinion, okay!
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I wish there was a site that had downloadable models of Japanese robots, that you could print out and make, in a cut out and keep style, possibly also handily indexed in alphabetical order to save me valuable time.
BING!
Wow!
I wish a zirquillion pounds would suddenly appear in used fivers in a brown leather suitcase under my desk...
bing?
UPDATE: Sod carboard robots! These Japanese trucks are better than Transformers!
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Thanks to 'Cooper' for sending in this picture from the Chopper festival on Saturday. It shows the 'Toten Kopf's' very own Kaiser just about to launch himself over the ghetto-blaster ramp.
Notice (well, it's hard not to, with such a big arrow pointing towards him) the guy marked Tall Martin. Not only does he look satanic in the fire glow, but he's in mid throw of a mug full of parafin.
Let's just say Kaiser came out with a flaming arse, and leave it at that...
 Help, my brakes don't work! |
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Thanks to everyone who has voted for me in the Sexiest Bloke in Northampton competition. Unfortunately, I played it too 'straight' with my entry photograph, and without background knowledge of my motives to win (doing photo stories of me getting a professional haircut in the style that you vote for, etc) people have been voting for the 'comedy' entrants.
If only I had supplied a picture of me during my recent trailer-trash mullet stage, I may have fared better. The round is not over until Sunday, but unless there's a miracle turn-around, I have accepted defeat since I am currently languishing in fifth place.
This means that we need a volunteer...
Full Story >>
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"I have something to say!"
"Really?"
"Er no... not as such... no."
"Why not?"
"Dunno. Can't think of anything interesting."
"Oh come on now... spit it out."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"I have nothing to say!"
Fill in the blanks youself, you lazy, four-eyed, prose-writing, tree hugging, fish eating monkey person...
This article has been brought to you by the letters S.T.E.V.E and the number e.
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Saturday 7th June saw the biggest event in the Raleigh Chopper calendar . Funjunkie was there, represented by the Toten Kopf Chopper Club. Here’s a short report on some of the action, with a few of the early pictures.
Yes, that is a picture of someone having a widdle off a bridge
Full Story >>
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Click click click click clicka clicka clickety click
Level up.
Click click clickclickclick clicka clickety click click "Ah fuuuuck!" Clickclickclick
Level up.
Clickety clickety click clicka clickclick "Argh!" click clicka clicka click
"Shit!"
...and so on...
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'So you think the name "Splinter Cell: Pandora tomorrow" is nonsense.'
I'll level with you, I haven't the faintest idea what that means, but the Puppy helmet looks quite handy.
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This morning I woke up, swore loudly, fell asleep again, woke up much later than necessary, swore again, had a shower, had a shave, put clothes on, brushed teeth, read for a bit and then wandered downstairs.
I put my shoes on and opened the front door and started to walk down the fire escape to the ground level.
It was only then that I realised that I had no trousers on.
Yes, the stuff of legends came true for me today. At one point in their lives nearly everyone has had a nightmare where they've gone to work/school/convent somewhat naked and everyone's been laughing at them. If you haven't, then you're obviously a mental patient and probably see phallic objects in every single Rorschach inkblot.
Luckily for me, I think I managed to scamper back unseen up the fire escape and stuff myself hurredly into something a little less comfortable.
Maybe.
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Angryflower has some wise words for the grammatically challenged...
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Calling all cars! FJ needs you!.
Partially through a huge blag, and partially because no one else has entered, I, Reg, Funjunkie correspondent, have infiltrated the local BBCi 'Sexiest Man in Northamptonshire' competition.
How you laugh! But, I need you to vote for me, otherwise this will be a very short lived gonzo journalism experiment. It will also be the first true test of the power that FJ can wield.
The judges have decided that the results are solely down to online voting, so go to the boy page, and click on the bloke on the left of the second row (the 'sexy' profile shot).
In return for your vote, and on condition that I get through to the next round, and then win, I will give you full photo stories about the prizes. Imagine me getting a professional haircut!
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God-like Ping Pong Players - it does exactly what it says on the tin.
Apart from it's not a tin, it's a web page. And it doesn't actually say it, unless you put it through a speak and spell kind of Stephen Hawking program. And if you did that, you'd have to choose one of the scary voices with a name like 'whisper' or 'Clive'.
But a good clip none the less. Obviously, I could kick both their arses with my hands tied behind my back, but that's because my legs would still be free.
Huh?
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Hello, you Monkeys!
How would you like to win 1000 Euros? (That's about £6.89 in English Sterling). No? What about a year's supply of bananas? That's more like it!
All you have to do is count the number of bananas in the barrel. Easy. Then you have the hard choice of whether to choose the cash or the bananas.
I reckon if anyone wins as a result of entering through this post, they are obliged by FJ sub-rules to choose the bananas, and keep them in a collection of dated shoeboxes under your bed. Or in your closet if there's no room under your bed, due to your bulging mountain of 'jazz publications' that I'm guessing you have stashed away.
Oh, by the way, yesterday was National Tampon Alert Day.
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Could this be the year that the first geek wins Big Brother?
Who knows, but it's fun that the public are largely voting to keep the personality-challenged Mr. Tickle in the house, much to the chagrin of the other whinging housemates.
Currently doing the rounds is this purported e-mail from Jon Tickle himself that he prepared for his friends just before he entered the Big Brother house that explains his reasons and motivations for entering, as well as some detail on the entrance process.
I was going to say that I was slightly dubious about its authenticity, but after reading the 4th or 5th paragraph it had bored me senseless and I couldn't read on.
Genuine!
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Another fabulous day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, never a cloud to be seen, and I'm stuck in the office trying to swat a huge and very annoying fly that appears to be on steroids.
To the outsider, this would probably look like a mad man weilding a useless paper weapon, dancing around a cluttered room like a gibbering idiot. To anyone who knows me, this looks like a mad man weilding a useless paper weapon, dancing around a cluttered room like a gibbering idiot.
Which leads me perfectly* into my nomination for todays Monday morning game: Hover Havoc. Should keep you entertained while the boss is in the weekly managers update meeting.
*Perfectly in that it bears no relevance whatsoever.
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People, if* you're going to get drunk this weekend, make sure you're the not the one who has to Escape from Eluned.
Enjoy. I'm of to the Chopper festival! Ba!
*Sorry, when
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I was a listening to Radio 1's stand-in DJ's Colin And Edith this morning when they mentioned a story thats currently running at the moment concerning how athletes are alledgedly injecting the blood of their team-mates just before an event to give them a performance boost.
What was amusing though was when Colin and Edith asked their listeners whose blood they would inject for a short term performance boost.
So I got to thinking about it and I reckon I'd inject the blood of our pal, boozo-extraordinaire, Gazza.
Why? Well quite frankly at this time on a Friday I could do with some alcohol in my bloodstream.
So, despite the fact that I'm heinously plagiarising, which celeb's blood would you shoot up?
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Here in Blighty we have a light hearted morning news & entertainment show called RI:SE.
I always see 15 minutes of it while I'm eating my Frosties before I trudge off to work. The slot I always catch covers the news at 7.55am.
The news presenter is the lovely Zora Suleman, who can always get across an important news feature while secretly flirting with you.
However, ther'e one thing of late that has bothered me. She's a little out of proportion. Either her body is a bit bulky (and hey, there's nothing wrong with larger girls), or her neck is too short, or something. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was until I saw this behind the scenes photograph, taken during rehearsals for the show.
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Sometimes the only way to find a new game for our adoring swathes of funjunkie readers, is to run a search on Google using some ridiculous criteria. Put the word 'game' into the search box and you'll get 1000s of irrelevant hits, but what happens if you think of a game title that makes no sense.
I tried "Fridge Game", which produced surprising results. Okay, not really much of a game as such, but not half as odd as finding the Fred Durst Stage Diving game, which features a lot less fridges.
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Stop the alien hordes from capturing the last remaining virgins in your harem!!! Well, it would be, but you have to use your imagination a bit.
You haven't got one? Neither have I. That's why it looks like a dot with a crosshair. I was affraid of doing a screenshot because it might scare you off.
It's actually quite a nice gentle game of skill. Apart from the mental bits.
Beat 7617 (first go).
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All these stability problems with the site have finally spurred me into action. I'll be moving the site to a brand new server at some point today (in fact probably in about 5 minutes time).
If you don't understand how to programme your video player then you probably want to stop reading any further as I'm going to get a little technical.
(anyone still with me?)
Along with this brand new server (which has less sites sitting on it and is therefore much less likely to be affected by them) is a brand new version of Coldfusion against which the site's code will be running. The current site sits on a now quite antiquated version of this software and was starting to show its age. This new version will let us do lots of new whizzy things, some of which I've half written already.
The downside is that there are a few inconsistences between the two versions so there may be a few small bugs that need to be ironed out over the next week or two. Don't worry, I'm on it.
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We've had ups, we've had downs. We're bound to have a few lefts and rights as well, but somehow we've managed to struggle through and provide you with the FJFG just in time for lunch.
Test your gunfighting skills, because they're bound to come in handy this weekend. You know, it raining quite a bit and all.
Don't be put off about the entering of email addresses, you can just type in any old crap.
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Wild says we're having "Intermittent problems", but I keep finding intermittent mittens.
NOTICE: No cats were harmed in the making of this article, but a large fly landed on my monitor and got swatted.
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Apologies if the site goes up and down today, we're experiencing intermittent problem with the wombats who run in the wheels that make the electriclelicityickle thingie that makes the lights go on in the servers.
Taz tried giving them laxatives, but he nearly lost his arm in the process.
Reg tried taking over from them, but he kept getting his leg stuck in-between the spokes of the generator wheel and his blood nearly shorted out the whole building.
I'm going to try doing nothing and see what effect that has. I find it works more often than not. Perhaps it'll have a calming effect on those pesky wombats.
Next time I'm purchasing less volatile mammals for power generation. I know I'll get less kilowattage in return, but frankly, these critters are too dangerous to have lying around an office. Why, only yesterday did one of them take a chunk out of Reg's lunchbox, sandwiches and all.
Its not worth it I tells ya.
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There's something distinctly odd about the fact that I understand this cartoon:
The guy who owes $17,000 to the Russian Mafia and his friend "wrong punchline" Del
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Royal Mail may sue over stamp copyright
The Royal Mail is threatening to sue the Artrepublic gallery in Brighton over an image of the Queen in a gas mask.
James Cauty, former leader of the rock band The KLF who once burnt £1 million cash, created the work in response to the war against Iraq. But the postal service claims that it is a breach of its copyright on stamps and the Queen’s profile image and has told the gallery to remove it by Friday. That means you better collect a few hundred quid together now, and get yourself a print!
You could send in your donations so we can get one for the FJ office, but last time we asked for donations we got a used lolly, some belly button fluff, and a fart in a biscuit tin. And that was just from Taz.
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Your very favourite editors here at Funjunkie aren't geeks in the slightest. We may look, smell and act like geeks, but we sure don't talk like em.
Proof? You can't handle the proof!
Well, perhaps you can. Go have a looksee over at Buzzwordometer and hark at our very fine low score of 65. Even the Teletubbies can out-talk us at dinner parties.
Blame the booze I guess.
So let's have a look at a few of our friends and neighbours... Scaryduck gets a geek medal for his score of 134, but he's more of a suit.
Manic over at Bloggerheads goes one better with a fine score of 161.
But its Blogjam who wins the geek medal du jour with an outrageous geekage of 299!
Nerds.
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In the run up to the FJ Friday Game marathon that we are bound to have tommorow, here's an oldie that's had a recent overhaul.
Take control over the bouncing Mecha Spyder, and hop between platforms to get to the exit.
Not exactly the pinnacle of game design or innovation, but nicely done. Also, when you realise none of us can be bothered to post any games tommorow, you won't feel so short changed.
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Boy, am I glad that they're introducing Chip and Pin to reduce credit card fraud?
Yes.
No, you dummy, that was a rhetorical question!
Obviously, they're doing the pilot scheme where I live, because we all write like chimps and can't speel our own names anyway.
This guy decided that he'd see how far he could actually go with mucking about with his credit card slips. It seems as far as he wants. It's a bit of a read, but you can skip through the text (and miss all the valuable commentary), and just laugh at the scans of his signatures.
I love the matrix grid style signature. Genius.
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I'm in a bit of trouble with FJ regular Kaiser. I've double booked this weekend, and I was meant to be going down to the annual Raleigh Chopper meeting at Billing Aquadrome.
If anyone is at a loose end this weekend, and would like to take my place as FJ correspondant, they can have the use of a Raleigh Chopper, a 'Toten Kopf Chopper Club' t-shirt to wear, and free excercise.
All they have to do in return is drink beer*, create havoc while cycling, and write a report on it afterwards, possibly with pictures. That's as long as you don't get your camera nicked like last year.
*Which you'll have to pay for yourself, but I'm sure you could do a bulk deal with the rest of the gang
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If its all getting a bit too easy for you, you could always try reading in reverse.
Come to think of it... why not search in reverse... it would be better if you could find stuff before you've even looked for it.
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There's an exhibition of longboards (which for sport thicko's like myself, are surf boards with a bit more meat to them) coming to my home town tonight.
They have all been designed by famous 'counter-culture' people, such as Aphex Twin, Paul Kaye (Dennis Pennis) and Damien Hirst. It's touring the country, and might be worth a look if it comes round your way.
I probably won't go tonight, because I don't want to schmooze with lots of art and design bods. I haven't got a black roll-neck jumper, and I'm not a surfer.
What do I know about art anyway? I got 11
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From the picture you may think that this is a sick link to a gross out Elephantiasis site - but it's not. It's a series of lectures on how to sculpt your pork into a variety of animals.
Just make sure you don't do it at a kiddies party, or you may find that you get arrested.
Oh, THAT kind of pork. I thought you meant... never mind
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Graham is a strange man. He grows beards and then shaves them off and keeps them in little polythene bags so that they look like little cryogenically frozen miniature evil gorilla mutant warriors from space, with lasers.
or something.
Sinister indeed. He should be stopped.
But who by?
Why, Robosaurus of course! He'll singe those beards in the very bags within which they lie. Oh yes. With teeth.
Now I'm wondering what exactly was in that soup I just had.
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Good morning children.
Are we sitting comfortably?
Then we shall begin...
This morning's chemistry lesson is all about making bombs and toxins. Lets start with the rather impressive Ice bomb.
Now for your homework, I'd like you to go away and create some lovely explosions by mixing together lots of unstable chemicals. Here's a few we prepared earlier
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This morning, while cycling to the office, I noticed a dramatic increase in the number of bees around the area. I pulled out my PDA, accessed the information super-flippin'-duper highway, checked through previous statistics and ran through a series of complex equations.
After several hours I came to the following conclusion: There are exactly 37.5391 percent more bees in Newcastle now than there were in June 1992. A staggering result I'm sure you'll agree, and based entirely on fiction.
This leads me to my next link, without any continuity whatsoever.
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Geordies rejoice! Now you can have your Broon Ale and ice cream at the same time! Just think, double the expanding waistline!
Slight disappointments though, you'll have to eat a hell of a lot of it to get drunk (only contains 1% alcohol) and you have no sun up there to eat it in, where its grim.
Ah well, back to the burgers and chips, lads.
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Here's another mini theme for today!
The birds sitting on the telegraph poles are on the recieving end of the punishment in this game. Stop them crapping on your brand new Toyota by punching and eletrocuting them.
Remember to wipe off the excess poo, unless you want to become a true 'white van man'. If I put the word 'bukkake' here, we'll get twice as many hits. I know it's got nothing to do with bird poo, but you'll see what I mean if you let the birds get out of control...
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There are over 6.3 billion people in this world, and every single one of them have at some point in time, not thought about running along a telegraph cable, dodging birds and collecting extremely small cows*... but you're all thinking about it now aren't you! You little thieving toerags you.
Which reminds me (and I'm not pleased about this)...
You're in the game.
You're all in the game.
Everybody's in the game, and the aim of the game is to forget that you're in the game. But if you remember that you're in the game, you have to tell everyone around you that they're in the game.
Its infuriating, so I figured I'd dump you all in it.
*Which have nothing to do with this at all.
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What happens when you swallow a mobile phone set to vibrate? Loovy has the answers!
We seem to have a mini theme of bonkers french stuff going on today. Are they trying to be the new Japanese? I know I'd rather eat sushi than snails.
Oh, and swallowing that phone isn't very good for your digestion.
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Funjunkie readers are an intellectual lot, they just choose to hide it incredibly well.
But we know you're all as smart as squirrels because of the e-mails we get.
Here's one we got 5 minutes ago:
"From: Lucy Swadle
Subject: Light Cones
Dear Funjunkie,
I think your site is great and its made me really popular at school, but what's confusing me is the difference between Minkowski spacetime and generic curved spacetime.
Yours, with come to bed eyes,
Lucy XXX.
p.s. Love you!"
Well Lucy, you little minx, in Minkowski spacetime all of the geodesics are straight lines. In flat spacetime in two space and one time dimensions, cones look like those you might find when you buy an ice-cream.
But in a generic curved spacetime, the null geodesics won't usually be straight lines. The cones made from these can even be made to have the past and future light cones overlap and twist. This makes time travel possible in theory.
Questions? Send them in!
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Yesterday I joked that Auntie had let one of the work experience kids redesign her website (see Fulified below).
The mythical Work Experience kid has now turned up for real, and has 'borrowed' and idea (in true pirate fashion) from Channel 4 to make Not Very Big Brother with his toys!
You can catch up on all the first week action, and then get voting on which Duplo person will get evicted this week. More exciting than the real thing. Excluding John.
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You have been given the opportunity to star in the Destroy all Sports Session! Grab hold of your gun, and shoot the mountain bikers so they turn into penguins.
It's a French game. It's a bit wierd. Make sure you wash your hands after you play it.
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Roll Up! Roll Up!
The most amazing and fantabulous scourge and villany is no longer to be found in the South China Seas. Arrrr, no.
No, its on the web. Millions of the be-parroted muthas, all running around with a lack of original ideas and a itchy 'View | Source' finger.
Well, its time to expose the pirates, show their ridiculousness of to the world. The cheek of these people is simply breathtaking. Muahahaha.
Next week: Funjunkie alters to design to look like Google.
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New in from Orisinal: The Runaway Train.
Fulfill your lifetime ambition to be the cowboy that has to run along the roof of the train to stop it carreering off the viaduct and into death canyon, probably after a skin full of enamel disolving home-brew whiskey.
Oh, that's not your lifetime ambition? What? You want to be a financial advisor working for a large corporation? Happily married with kids? You got the wrong website, mate.
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Unh! Thwonk! Gak! Argh! Wurrrg! Burble.
All sounds you might recognise from a room containing an accountant and hundreds of vicious killer wombats when the light suddenly goes off.
Some of the sounds you might not recognise are those usually reserved for the pros.
Uuuuua---a! Nyaaaarg! Whump-a! and the concise, yet quite sublime: Hng!
Luckily for the amateur gutturalologist who's straining at the leash to be allowed into the higher echelons of gutterology, there's a whole archive of some of the more fantasic comic vocalisations, all involving hilarious amounts of pain and misfortune.
As for my favourite, well as you know, I've been a gutterlogist for over 50 years now, and I'm Professor Meritus of Vocal Exclamation over at Athens University, so I can spot a superior example when I see it:
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Yay, I'm back from my geekfest, and a very fine geekfest it was too.
Now, all I have left to clear up from my absence is to punish Reg for his insolence and then I'm all sorted to continue sailing the merry sea of crud with me 'arties and some rum and a young cabin boy (actually a girl in disguise, Shakespearian stylee) on this very fine cruiseliner, the SS Funjunkie.
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Who let the work experience kid redesign the BBCi portal!?!
Ha, got you! It's not really bonkers - I just Fulified it. I would have done it to FJ, but the handwritten code that Wild built is indestructable! It should be even better now that he's back from his geek-a-thon session in the big smoke. Hopefully he'll tell us all about it, because I bet it was really great!
Day one: Dear diary, this morning I woke up with an enormous sense of well-being. I sprayed myself with Lnyx Africa, put on my tweed jacket (the nice one with leather elbows), and set off on my journey to the Cold Fusion conference.
On arrival, I proceeded to park my automobile in the allotted parking space. I used the satellite navigation (that I had programmed myself) to make sure I didn't bump into any bollards.
etc etc
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DeathGob
