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"Incest is best" as the saying goes (not my phrase).
At least that's the view of certain Scottish zoo keepers, who openly promote this behaviour by letting their lions bag their own sisters.
Next year's headline: Hillbilly lion cub plays the banjo.
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Just checking the referers as any good self-aggrandising weblogger should (you can check em out too by scrolling down a bit) and to my horror, AGAIN, someone has been searching for Wilma Flintstone Fucking.
Despite Fred bashing your skull in if he found out, this just isn't right. Something must be so wrong for this to happen. Society is sick, rotten to the core, a belly full of decomposing snakes.
I've lost my faith in the humanity of the world and will never regain that gleam of exuberance that hinted at summers of sun, fields of gold, kites, sandcastles, jelly and ice cream.
Now Betty Rubble, that's another story altogether. She's a fox. X-rated.
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Now that Big Brother has finished there are a lot of you feeling all sad and depressed (and you do know you're a loser don't you?)
Never mind, here, cheer yourself up with Big Brother Pinball! Now you can choose from your fav character, be it Jade (without kebab unfortunately), Kate or Alex etc.
Hit the ball into the Diary Chair and you get special missions to complete, like waking up the rest of the house, or having a shower. Good clean fun, for once.
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Paul Gascoigne was/is a troubled footballing genius. He could have been greater than Maradonna in terms of skills.
Of course, it was never to be, for his real talents lay elsewhere. Drinking, womanising, being a general fool and kebab-eating are what (unfortunately) he'll best be remembered for.
Here then, Football365 relives his finest non-footballing moments in two parts: Gazza Buffoonary Part I and Gazza Buffoonary Part II
Truly something we should all aspire to.
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As if it wasn't bad enough that she buggered off and got hitched recently, completely shattering the dreams of millions of red blooded males (and no doubt, rather a lot of lasses too). Claudia Schiffer is now up the duff...
I mean... how rude!
On a lighter note, Angelina Jolie has given Billy Bob the heave-ho, so theres always that one to fall back on.
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Interesting times for UK weblogs. The Guardian, a British newspaper, has been at the forefront of the UK media when it comes to supporting the weblogging phenomenon.
Till now most weblogs have enjoyed the fact that the media are taking an interest in personal news and opinions.
That is, until The Guardian announced the Best British Blog award. Bloggers are suddenly feeling threatened by what they see as a corporate attempt to negate their individuality and impartiality. The dialogue continues here.
Of course, anything that drives traffic this way has got to be a good thing and £1000 would feed my booze habit. But I don't understand how any weblog can be the best. Its like holding a 'best cheese' award.
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Three women, in their late teens and early 20s, have been arrested in Bogota.
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If you manage to pick up this outstanding cd (and you should) There's a little extra goodness on it. Stick it in, press play on your cd player, as soon as the music starts press rewind. It will go back about 4 minutes and you will be treated to something a little bit secret and special.....
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It's been a long hot weekend on the south coast. The glitterati and tanned socialites of sunny bournemouth were out in force sharing witty anecdotes, flirting and drinking with gay abandon. I, however, went nowhere near all this pretentious arseholery. I got pissed and stoned out of my tiny mind and had my head shaved to the skull by a bi-sexual, tequilla-drinking-champion, blonde bombshell. Fantastic! The rest of the weekend is a stoned blur of pro-evolution soccer, avoiding skin cancer, fiscal matters and hot greasy meat. Which brings me really badly onto the reason why I'm posting all this shite..... Modern Moist Towelette Collecting......There's nothing quite like it....
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Isn't it amazing what you'll end up doing through boredom? Like watching Big Brother for instance, even if nothing is happening. Well of course its not now, but thats beside the point. The BB housemates were so utterly lacking in stimulous that they ended up watching chickens all day.
So here I am, bored beyond words and scouring the net for a picture of a Toblerone packet.
Also, is it just me that thinks Wild must have forgotten to switch off his pocket MP3 player on Saturday night?
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A very strange night last night. We were still up drinking at 1am when all of a sudden we could hear the sounds of a rave coming from somewhere.
It sounded really close (like 4 or 5 houses away) and being drunk and stoned we decided to go crash it.
We reached the end of the village none the wiser as to its location, it still sounded really close. We made an drunken executive decision to find the sucker, and so we found ourselves drawn by the booming sub-bass like rats to the pied-piper.
After 2 miles of climbing over England's finest countryside: fences, getting bogged down in swamps, stung by stinging nettles, eaten by insects unseen - we were no nearer to the mysterious rave.
Its disappointing, because it constantly sounded like it was round the next bend, or through the nearest clump of trees. But it never was and eventually we turned round and clumped home defeated.
Got home at 4am, soggy, muddy, bitten, stung, crestfallen yet highly amused by the whole episode.
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Dave Mash is a lovely chap. You could take him home to meet your mother, you really could(n't).
Troubled sphincters aside, today I'm off to see the World Superbike Championship at Silverstone (where despite the government paying £8million to get the dual carrigeway sorted in time for the Grand Prix - it isn't). Should be a good laff.
My car cost me £260 last week, with burglaries and all that. Could potential car abusers/thieves/hooligans just lay off for a couple of weeks whilst my finances improve? I'd appreciate it.
UPDATE - there was no Superbike Championship, but instead there were lots of multi-class races from the likes of Caterhams, Mini Coopers, Lotus Elises and XR2i's. Lots of crashes, much booze, beautiful hot weather. A cool day all round.
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Take one of these out of the freezer and stick it right up your bleeding, engorged, swollen, inflamed, infected arsehole and relax as the coolant gently soothes those anal troubles away...... ahhhhhh........
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If I ever do get outside this weekend to enjoy the sunlight, I may do something interseting, such as visit a muscle car show at Billing Aquadrome.
While I'm there, maybe I could brush up on my car drawing skills, because, they DO need brushing up.
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If you are stuck inside on this glorious summer afternoon, maybe you would care to meet the lettuce ladies. I didn't really want to meet them, but while on lunch, some comedian was looking to replace my desktop picture with a lady boy, and this was the best they came up with. The lettuce ladies aren't even lady boys - eh? Need. To. Go. Outside. For. Weekend.
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It's not Gay David Hasselhoff, but there's new wallpaper available! Keep your eye out for more stuff added soon.
If any ladies out there have any nudie pics of themselves that they want making into a special funjunkie wallpaper, just send them right in! The best examples we'll no doubt keep for ourselves.
Should I get my coat?
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A viral ad campaign for a brand of condoms (that I can't remember, so that shows how well it works, ha!), SizeHimUp.com attempts to estimate the size of your (or your partner's) penis by asking a few simple questions about physique. Completely unscientific, but hey, it estimated the size of my John Thomas pretty accurately!
(thats 21 inches by the way).
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Half Bakery - Half Baked ideas, all of the time (or is that Great Ideas, half of the time?).
Whatever, a site filled with ideas that seem genius when you're drunk. Porn Glasses perhaps? Maybe the Lego Brand Stack-A-Cat Happy Hat will be more to your liking.
Reminds me of this genius idea my brother and I had whilst drunk about starting a crisp factory where all the crisps were unflavoured, but came with 4 or 5 sachets of flavour in each bag, so you could choose your own flavour according to what sort of mood you were in at the time. Doesn't seem so clever whilst sober though.
Perhaps we could get customers drunk before they bought it? It works for kebab vendors!
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Just spreading the meme, UltimateInsult has word of this Optical Illusion which works, and is very strange indeed....
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Lemme just welcome Taz_etc to the team, he'll be posting every now and then and generally fucking things up, which is what we like.
Gutterball - its like going bowling here in the UK, only without all the little spotty pregnant adolescents, out of date malfunctioning score computers and mouldy footwear.
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Wild has given me the keys to the Funjunkiemobile and I'm gonna take this baby for a test run.
Bored out of my brains today, so I've been firing Kevin the spaced penguin into orbit. Note the emphasis on teaching kids about the effects of drugs.
If you get the angle right you can end up with some trippy Spirograph patterns.
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1 hour before the 2002 Commonwealth Games are due to begin in Manchester and the BBC has made this Denise Lewis Heptathlon game available in a very timely manner! Its quite good too, although, like all Athletics games (beginning with Daley Thompson's Decathlon on the ZX Spectrum), you'll bash the shit out of your keyboard and probably knacker your ability to ever press the space bar again.
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If you are going to Loughborough, you'll want to take the Beer Train there and back. You definitely will, oh yes. Cheers Taz
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Senior (as in years) work colleague Phil, claims that Loughborough is the centre of the Universe. Naturally, he's wrong.
There is one reason to go there though, the national cheerleading competition, which starts tommorow. That's this weekend sorted out then! All stay at his house!
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Ah, you terrorists kill me man, you kill me (but just give me advance warning before you actually do, ok?)
After Tuesday's pitiful 44 hits from you guys searching for How to make a bomb, you guys got your act together and managed to bring the number back up to 58 yesterday.
Better, but still shy of your personal daily best of 70!
Let me give you a hand with that there weapon of mass-destruction you're working on.
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Cool Moon Lander game. I'm useless at these things as I have fingers like shovels. Cheers, as always, to the very excellent Ultimate Insult
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Poor Brian Tindle the Watford fan. Hell hath no fury like a woman who hath (allegedly) contracted hepatitis from her man. Random quote:"Tell you more about Brian he is a bastaard, he is also shagging the slag Emma who works in Boots in the town centre on one of the make up counters. Brian, has she seen the Doctor yet? My dad is going to cut his nob off if it has not already fallen off with hepatitis."
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Dive into the strangely familiar world of weebl & bob.
I have carefully selected this particular story for you in my dedicated search for truth and justice, but the other ones are 'tres bien' too.
UPDATE by Wild: I like pie. When come back, bring pie.
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Stroke the kittens to make music! Obviously!
B,N and 9 make quite a good combo - you'll see what I mean.
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If you're a regular soccer hooligan or perhaps a young idealist in an anti-US cult, you can expect some new technologies to prevent you from 'expressing your thoughts' in a few years time.
You'll be flash-heated, slapped about by bean bags, have the floor covered in slippy stuff, made to be quite stinky (if you aren't already), netted, ray-gunned and blissed out.
Still, beats a deskjob dunnit?
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The thing that has been mostly wasting my time this week is sticky balls (direct download).
It's starting to get very competitive. You have been warned.
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Although this isn't remotely funny, or rude, or silly, I'd thought I'd make quick mention of the (possible) imminent death of jpegs (a popular image format).
I'm mentioning it here because at FJ we like to photoshop things quite a lot, with the usual format used being jpeg, so its all quite interesting (not sure if its that worrying as there are bound to be alternatives that crop up).
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Just a minor addition today, look down and to your left - you may need to scroll a bit. There's a new little column containing the last 10 referral hits to this site (eg google searches etc).
So now you can see for yourself what company you're amongst. If that doesn't scare you off, nothing will.
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The Spark reckons at the age of 70 for me, Death Clock 73.
But the interesting thing is...
Full Story >>
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Oh man, only 44 terrorists found this site whilst searching for 'How to make a bomb' at google yesterday, down significantly from the recent daily average of 70.
C'mon people! You're slacking! Don't you know there are buildings still left standing and people left unmaimed?
Warmongers - not as warmongery as they used to be.
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August 15, 2023 at the age of 47 years old, Bailey will cease to grace the pages of FJ. Darn it.
Full Story >>
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Apparently I will die on November 29, 2051
at the age of 76 years old. I will most likely die of a heart attack.
Hang on though, apparently I will die on Friday, April 30, 2049 at the age of 74! These two results are unerringly close... Better start the hard drugs just to prove them wrong. Cheers 3Bruces
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Chuck a spear at Britney Spears. Great entertainment.
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So I phone the police to report my car break-in and I tell them where it was, and which window on the car they smashed and the police guy on the other end of the phone goes very quiet for a few seconds and then tells me he's sending out a forensics guy to dust for fingerprints.
I've had my car broken into before - they NEVER send anyone out for car break-ins. Curious.
So the guy turns up and starts scratching his head and told me the whole thing was very suspicious. He said he'd take fingerprints from all of the cassettes the naughty robbers touched but didn't take (I'm not sure whether that's an indictment of my music tastes or not). He also told me I'd have to have my fingerprints taken to distinguish me from les voleurs.
Hmmm. Looks like my secret double life as an international jewel thief is over. Bugger.
130 quid for a new fucking replacement windscreen and an insurance excess greater than a replacement VCR. Today has been expensive.
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Every good masked vigilante need a good sidekick, and I think for Wildo, this one should do the trick in his war against video thieves (see article below).
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All the information on cheese you could ever hope to have at your grubby little fingertips.
You'll also need to know how to pronounce the word 'cheese' if you're ever going to be any sort of cheese professional.
Should you want updates about the movers and shakers in the cheese world, you could always subscribe to Cheese Reporter.
The less celebral among you (which is all of you) can opt for Milk & Cheese cartoons.
After you've eaten so much cheese whilst sitting down reading your cheese news, you're going to need some exercise, you fat bastard. Get out and go Cheese Rolling.
Yes I'm a little cheesed off today (see why below) and so you are going to bear the brunt of my annoyance. Hard cheese.
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I had my fucking car broken into last night. Oh no, hang on, it wasn't broken into - it was armageddoned into.
Some wankers obliterated the rear windscreen and rifled through the car. I am mostly annoyed to report that this fine piece of bad luck occurred on exactly the same day on which I decided to leave my VCR in the car whilst I move house. Admittedly stupid thing to do, but I didn't have much of an option and it was covered up and hidden quite well.
Now I'm not the sort of person who'll go on about crime in this country and how there was less in the Victorian days when we ruled the planet along with the dinosaurs. I won't rant about how criminals should be rounded up and shot, cos I don't believe in that sort of thing.
I am, however, going to take the first opportunity to enrole at a superhero-vigilante college to learn the fine arts of costume making and kicking butt. Then I'll track these lowlifes down and make them pay by using my freeze rays, or something. grr.
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The work experience lad must have been in charge of the 'muzak' in our local shopping centre this lunchtime... strolling past Boots, and none other than 'The Ace of Spades' by Motorhead come on. Good work fella!
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I bet Dale sure wishes he could be featured amongst this bevvie of beauties....
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Thanks to Neale for inviting the me and the boys over to his place on Saturday for a very entertaining incinerator christening party. I tried to find a link for you, but couldn't. I'm sure you can imagine a couple of blokes standing round a dustbin with a fancy lid, burning the paneling from a recently defunct sauna, drinking Co-op export. Excellent!
To get rid of your Monday blues, how about downloading a paper dinosaur. There's no way you could do better on your own (unless you just screwed up a piece of paper and ripped it in half).
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This morning, Dave Mash - occasional FJ contributor, was late for work because he cut himself whilst shaving his nose.
I've learnt that its best not to ask too many questions.
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Whilst you sit there, bleary-eyed, vacant and stale-smelling after your weekend of riotous hedonism, trying meekly to get your head sorted for the Monday morning meeting - you may as well play Keyball, a seriously addictive little soccer game that you can also play with a likewise unshaven pal! Cheers Milk And Cookies.
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Many thanks to my compadres for their birthday wishes and dubious links. Quite frankly I'm upset they didn't send me cold hard birthday cash - but then thats mates for you.
I'm quite hungover this morning as a result of moving into this new flat and meeting my new flatmates over a beer (or fifty). Don't expect any high-quality linkage off of me today (regular readers will no doubt laugh at their monitors over this last statement seeing as the quality control department here at FJ is obviously staffed by a team of monkeys on anti-depressants).
Enough of the mindless banter, lets get down to some of the mindless puerile web malarkey you've come to expect from this bloated bastion of bloggery... Pull My Finger. Cheers Bloggerheads.
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Happy 56th Birthday Bo-ner.
Didn't have time to send you a card but you can always send yourself one from the imaginatively titled and quite frankly beautiful Lesbian Birthday Cards (not safe for work).
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Ever wondered what FunJunkie writers get up to in their free time? No, I didn't think so. But here's evidence of our crazy lifestyle. Either that, or moving flat... not much competition really.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
"No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
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May I just personally welcome the slightly strange person who found this site via anal men fucking other men sandals. I award you with being my oddest visitor so far.
You're among friends with other such wierd searches as: armageddon felching, and Plantains, Masturbation, and scariest of all, Pornographic e-mail Jamie Oliver. shudder
Oh and don't forget the 70 daily hits from either Jade Big Brother Naked Photo (and variations thereof) or How to make a bomb
Freaks, all of you.
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Yay! Happy Birthday to me!
I take it that I can expect all your cards tomorrow then?
Obviously the postman must have been ill or weak this morning cos he only managed to get 5 cards through the door.
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Some people are coffee fascists. They'll whine and moan about the price of a quarter pound of Jamaica Blue Mountain but refuse to drink anything else, or they'll only drink it from mugs made by the blood and tears of Andesian Clay Diggers between the years of 1992 - 1994. Or something.
These very people are quite well represented at The Coffee Police - a site that aims to root out the injustices and suffering that the arabica-supping, Prada wearing glitterati have to face in Coffee Bars (you're not allowed to call them cafés) each and every day of their trouble-free self-indulgent lives. The wankers. Random quote: "The cappucino was undrinkable. I remonstrated with the manager who insisted 'thats how they like it here'. I got another one but it was still crap, I drank it anyway. I vandalised the toilets." Emotions run high in the world of coffee drinkers, obviously.
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Ah. Its Hot. Damn Hot. Too Damn Hot.
What I wouldn't give for a snowball fight right now. Unfortunately, playing this natty little Flash game has made me more aware of just how hot I am. Great.
Perhaps I need to play a desert game to have the opposite effect...
No, no that didn't work whatsoever.
Trust the British to complain about the rain for 11/12ths of the year, and then whinge about the heat. Useless.
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Yes! Surely a holy grail of sorts. The angry little asian girl site. Read the comics, then get a t-shirt. How do I find this stuff? Gin?
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Mr Wild is moving into a flat with lots of other men. Surely that has to remind him of his school days. I bet there are going to be lots of late night Quake sessions at their place - or something equally as geeky.
Wasn't he a cutie when he was younger.
UPDATE: by Wild
El Reg, you're in deep trouble.
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That's right, for a special limited introductory period, Maddox over at The Best Page in the Universe will come round and kick your arse (or someone else's arse of your choosing) for $25! (that's £15.92 in real money)
A bargain in anyone's book, surely.
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So, tomorrow I'm moving home from the flat above the Glass Shop, with its beautiful vista of skips, broken glass and workmen discussing female anatomy - to a flat in the genteel town of Westbourne. A place not without its massively high percentage of retirees.
It matters not, I love Westbourne - its a little nugget of tranquility in the otherwise increasingly youthful, exuberant and bustling South Coast town of Bournemouth.
I'll educate you as to its delights later (including one-time UK best chippy, Chez Fred's), but for now, I have an entire house full of crap, and I have to move it all into the one room in the flat that I will be sharing with three other guys. Let that just sink in - a whole 5 rooms worth of crap into 1 small/medium sized one.
Bugger.
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Exactly what it says on the tin - robots and monkeys
Bizarre AND useless.
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Ever left your house keys at the office? Remind yourself with this handy fridge magnet thing.
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They're wild and crazy. They have overloaded libidos. They will hump anyone or anything that gets in the way of their thrusting groins. They do all this without spilling a drop from the mandatory can of beer, clasped tightly in their grubby mitts. They hump anything. Random quote:"This is so fucking wrong, but too funny not to post. That poor cat has no idea what is going on."
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I haven't got a wife, but if I did, I'd get one that's gone to Wife School!
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Vaguely rude, depends on your frame of mind I suppose.....TEE HEE HEE!!!
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I have just discovered that bananas are an excellent defence against the suicide-invoking depression-factory that is the popular beat combo called Radiohead.
My advice, take two any time Radiohead comes on the radio and you'll banish those razorblade thoughts instantly.
Excellent work, my inherently funny fruit friends!
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This new software will enable the blood spatter analyst to carry out a sophisticated Directional Analysis for up to 100 bloodstains located on 12 different surfaces at a crime scene..... mmmmm Blood Spatter......
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Bored of sitting at your desk? Feel like flying away? Check out this virtual glider. Quite tricky to start with, but very nice. In the vein of 'Pilot Wings', but using cardboard cut-outs.
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Thanks to Kev, Karen G, Janet, Gav, and of course my girlfriend for putting up with me on holiday. Apparently I have an evil alter-ego when drunk that resembles a certain character from Home & Away (see pic).
Had great fun on one of these babies.
Had a visit to this place which was just down the road. I didn't have such an exciting time a the bloke who took these photos though!
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There aren't many people who swear as well as Angry White Girl.
Listen up, shitbucket! Your wankmashing, cockwokking, arsebeavering bumcreeper is going to sit up and pay attention to the teacher's lesson. Thank you.
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Karyn is 26, lives in New York and has run up a $20,000 debt on her credit card by buying millions of lattés and Prada sneakers.
She wants you to give her $1 so that she can afford to pay off her credit card bill and do it all over again.
Now, where do I sign to give her my entire monthly wage. I mean, I'm totally sympathetic. Completely. So far she's made $125 through donations.
Say, thats a mighty nice expensive laptop she's using to update her website....
Cheers Ultimate Insult
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So, it seems that Jade is not enjoying being a Big Brother contestant anymore.
Sorry Jade, but compared to the reception you're gonna receive when you leave the BB house, you are quite literally living in a holiday camp.
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Guys, its like this. The way the ladies see it, we have everything to apologise for. Everything.
Occasionally they may even be right.
For these rare moments (and all the other ones that they make up), use this handy apology note generator. It'll save you time writing a real one, so you can get up to your normal shenanigans as usual - and it'll make them think that you really are the caring, humble man that they once loved.
Oh, I nearly forgot:
Dearest, Sweetest Lady Reader,
I humbly ask for your forgiveness for neglecting you. There is a female version also available here.
I'm hurting deeply inside, hoping beyond hope that you'll forgive my not mentioning it before.
Please don't make me throw away my stack of jazz mags. I've known those ladies much longer than I've known you.
love, Wild
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Ha! Back off holiday and ready to bore you with stuff once again, but have to clear some work away first. Looking forward to seeing some hot racing action this weekend in celebration of my brother's 30th birthday - full report on Monday (if I'm not in casualty). Ba!
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The whole purpose of FJ is to waste your company's time. Whether it be 30 seconds or 30 minutes, everything counts when it comes down to making office life a little bit less work-oriented.
But imagine what our ancestors did before the internet? I know, I know, its too terrible to think about - but sometimes we need to learn how and why humans have evolved into the marvellous beings we are today. With that in mind, take a magical trip through time as we compare modern office life with its hideous and terrible forerunner.
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Its a beautiful story... man spends entire life taking good care of his poor undernourished stomach. Stomach blossoms into beautiful big bouncing bounteous belly. Belly repays man for lifetime of beer and curry treats by saving his life.
*sniff*... I love happy stories....
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Funny chat transcript: Bloke gets chat session with girl who think he's her boyfriend, Josh. Bloke isn't Josh, doesn't know who Josh is, Mad Bird doesn't believe him.
Bloke starts having fun!
Kinda long, but very funny! Quote:"sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u call tracy
dys4iK: who's tracy?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tracy randlof
dys4iK: sure.
dys4iK: she was a nice lay.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u were gonna tell her u wer datin me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u slept with her
dys4iK: of course.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u didnt
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh i'm crying b/c of u
dys4iK: her and some other girl.
dys4iK: it was fun!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: JOSH
dys4iK: and some guy.
dys4iK: I think.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHAT IS WROGN WITH U
dys4iK: I can't really remember."
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David Blunkett I love you. The fine man has seen sense and downgraded cannabis to a class 'C' drug - ie you won't get arrested for possession anymore, although you can be prosecuted.
 David Blunkett, yesterday
Think of it like speeding - you don't get arrested for minor speeding, although you will be recieve a summons in the post. To be honest, I don't think they'll bother unless you're a dealer.
Next milestone, complete decriminalisation and standardisation (along with a healthy tax - but thats to be expected).
Its a big boost to people like James Ward, who opened (and had forcibly closed) one of the UK's first Ganja Cafés in Boscombe, Bournemouth.
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There have been various attempts to graphically display information in the real world (ie on roads, walls, buildings) recently. The first was warchalking, but thats waaaay too geeky and sad. The second was blogchalking, but thats just 'Can I be your friend?' bollocks.
Now pubchalking is a whole new barrel of stitches in time. Never more need I mistakenly walk into a wanky pub if it has one of these signs chalked somewhere near the door. Here's my effort:
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An excellent excuse for a grope. I'm off to go try it on some unsuspecting lady. Cheers Taz
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I was walking home from my girlfriend's house late last night when I was confronted by such a depraved scene of social disorder that it shook my very moral foundations to the core. Shocked I was, terrified even, by the level of obscenity.
As I was walking along, on the public footpath, minding my own business, I came upon it. Slugs, hundreds and hundreds of slugs fornicating, shagging, having illegal underage hermaphrodite sex. Disgusting it was. Two slugs indulging in antisocial behaviour, yesterday
There they were, in full public view, twisting their hideously slimy gastropaedic bodies in-flagrante seducto, oblivious to the horror that they may be causing.
Molluscs. Don't let them break our society apart.
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News just in: Maxim Editor reads Stinkfactor, laughs until he falls off his chair at social misfits doing crazy stuff for cold cash. Stops laughing. Thinks, "Hey we could rip that off with nary a reciprocal clicky-link and no one would be any the wiser". Proceeds to do so. Maxim Stupid Challenges
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Horrible, horrible quote: "My kebab's showing."
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I was going to tell you about this a while ago, but forgot. Superlative Flash online cartoon - Ninjai the Little Ninja is being published in chapters, 2 a month.
Currently up to chapter 3, the story is starting to kick in. Its a visceral treat and a half. Available in a variety of sizes/qualities, it'll suit the bandwidth-impaired modemers and fatpipe megalords alike.
And if you don't like Ninjai - then perhaps Broken Saints will serve your new media anime needs, again, totally superb (if a little bit obscure..)
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Ah, boffins - we love 'em. Constantly scratching their baldie heads and expansive chins to bring us life-altering innovation; striving to rid the world of war, famine, pestilence and Robbie Williams through a better understanding of science...
And what do they bring us? The perfect Beans on Toast recipe.
Pure Genius.
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Think you're tough? Think you can out-eat the best? Yea?
How about 50 hotdogs in 12 minutes (over 4 a minute)?
Chicken-feed you say?
Then how about 4, that's right 4, 32-oz (95cl) jars of mayonnaise in 8 minutes?
Piece of cake you say?
Then try 7 quarter-pound cubes of butter in 5 minutes!! my god man, just think of the mess later on, that's pure fat!
More crazy Heart-Attack Man shenanigans can be found here
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Happy 4th July to all of our Across The Pond cousins.
Of course, being English, this is somewhat of an historical sabre in the foot - but then I pride myself on being a different creature to my 226 year old ancestors; its always nice to see nation-collectives celebrating (like Brazil recently). Modern-day England is an anomaly in this respect, probably due to the fact that over the last 200 years or so we've seen nothing but decline.
This isn't my problem - I'm English by chance rather than purpose and although I'm proud to be so, we do have a global record of abuse worse than the Vikings....
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Many of the regulars amongst you will no doubt be asking why the hell I've added Bromley Property to the list of links down to the right. I don't blame you - its not a weblog, its not some nifty online game, its doesn't even feature human nakedness!
You are of course, correct in your surmises. Its not any of the above. The man to blame is friend of FJ's, Manic - who regularly concocts experiments to prove how powerful weblogs like this one you're reading can be in the online world... Take a look at this experiment, its proving more successful than any of us had ever conceived...
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Steve Irwin, serial harrasser of reptiles and other creatures worldwide, gets to hump a goanna in this neat flash sketch.
I wish he'd get a leg bitten off for real, leave the bloody animals alone Steve!
Cheers Zfilter.
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My brother does this, a lot.
Mr D, a workmate, sitting behind me also does this, a lot.
Its the most annoying thing in existence. What is it?
The practice of shouting out "Shotgun" any time there are 2 or more people lining up for something - be it (usually) the front seat of a car, the last beer in the fridge, the first place in the fuckwit queue....
So, just for them, here are the official rules of calling Shotgun.
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Some professors think they're soooo smart...
Well they're not. I've seen a lot of professors and lecturers in my time so I should know. They make you think they're clever by using big words and things, but they're all just sad lonely losers who couldn't make it big in the commercial world.
Hey! What am I talking about - I'm a sad lonely loser who can't make it big in the commercial world.
Bugger.
Professors aren't that bad. In fact they have a lot to give you and I. They're caring, sharing people. I like professors.
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10 ways in which you can successfully immerse yourself in the office culture and be a good employee at Apple.
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mmmmm, Tasty Horse Flesh recipies.
Warning! Poor jokes ahead.....
Black Beauty Pudding anyone?
Pony Macaroni?
*sigh*. I'll get my coat.... Cheers Everlasting Blort
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If you're after 3 goons who take photos of each other larking around and then make hilarious photo-comics out of them, then Lick My Jesus will fill your needs perfectly and you may end your quest, Sir Knight.
If not, then perhaps Crazy Asian Drinks will soothe and refresh you. Random quote:"I must make Young Coconut Juice with Jelly, Tamarind Juice and Oran-C appear refreshing and tasty - even if it means the end of the world!"
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Damn You! Damn You All to Hell!!! WHY????!!!!
ahem.
Pet Dinosaur anyone?
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Worst Case Scenarios - your standard what to do if... sort of thing, although its hardly worst case.
Worst case is not what to do if you your parachute fails to open - worst case is your parachute failing to open and a bomb strapped to your back and the only possible landing spot is a chainsaw factory where all the chainsaws have gone berserk and where the factory is on the border of Pakistan and India and your wife is at home sleeping with your best mate. Now that's worst case.
Cheers Ultimate Insult
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I don't do this very often, because I know most of you aren't in the slightest bit interested, but occasionally I like to give you a little info on what goes on under the hood of FJ.
This site auto-populates itself in 3 flavours of XML, and uses XML-RPC calls to other sites (such as weblogs.com and euro.weblogs.com) to inform them when its been updated etc. There's now a new addition to these, Fyuze.com, which I've started pinging also by XML-RPC, so that you now know when this site has been updated and what the new content is.
If anyone's interested, I may write an auto-email notification thingie to let you know when something new has been added. Mail us using the news address above and if there's sufficient demand, I'll add it.
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Again, not 'fun' at all, but I assure you this will be the last word on the matter. My Dad's obituary. I'm now going on holiday, and I will come back full of 'fun' and probably some high jinks. And cheap booze. Bon Voyage.
p.s. I think 'Wild' should change his handle back to 'Bo-ner'. Can we start a vote on it?
Full Story >>
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On Saturday I went over to a colleague's house to celebrate his birthday with a BBQ. He had made some burgers that he seemed pre-proud of, for he had used an entire bottle of Sting Hot Pepper Sauce from Antigua in their creation.
When the burgers came round, boy were they good! The problem was the next morning when I received an unexpected hideous and painful sphincter armageddon caused by the level of chilli in the burgers. I was not the only one either...
With this in mind, today we celebrate the humble Chilli and worship its versatility in causing untold amounts of grief and agony....
Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Chillies
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When I was a kid, if you were an owner of electronic battleships the you were dead posh, and your sister probably owned a horse. The rest of us had to pretend with paper and pens or (slightly posher) the non-electronic version. Owning the electronic version made you friends (for the duration of the batteries anyway).
For the rest of us, we've had to suffer until now - here's an excellent flash version. There. now you don't have to suck up to the fat rich kid anymore.
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DeathGob
