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The Summer Burn has started! Check your inbox now. |
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We all know that behind every successful man is a devious woman, but did you ever wonder about how FJ's own Reggio has made it to where he is today?
Well, its not on talent I can tell you.
Luckily, we have photographic proof of the power behind Reggio, taken using the DePowifier Camera V1.3 that I invented in the FJ labs last week in an attempt to see through women's outer garments.
Only PC users will be able to see the truth, and they can do it by pressing CTRL+A.
Spooky stuff. Now we have an inkling as to who opened the wombat's cage door and let it out. Busted.
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Hey man, those bad dudes have taken your board man and that ain't rad* at all. In fact man, its making you goddamn angry.
So angry that you feel like storming in there and smashing up all their crates just to get your board bitz back. Yeah, lets do it!
* its about as rad as using the word 'rad'. And that ain't rad.
Another ace game from the fellas at Funjunkie's fav media agency, Skive.
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According to a survey published yesterday, 30% of respondants would like to see David Beckham as the next face on the British £10 note.
Its the logical move for England's unofficial Royal Family and it means that old Golden Balls continues to live up to his name as he moves from simply having lots of money to actually becoming money itself.
Lets have a quick look to see what the new tenner would look like:
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That's it kids! I'm out of here... I'm off! I'm going out into the big wide world, never to be seen again.
Never that is, until I come back, which will be too soon for most of you. Yes that's right, I'm leaving you for a few days while I take a holiday in foreign parts*, where I shall be bigging it up with the folkies massive!
Expect photo stories when I return, including The great Sidmouth campers outdoor tea stirring scientific experiment.
*Devon
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You may know that everything on FJ is programmed by me - you won't find any Blogger-this or MoveableType-that on here, just plain old home-cooked coding like Mama used to make (before she started using Quantum Physics in her recipes - yuck).
Some say thats exactly the problem with FJ - a harsh accusation that I have only one answer to.
You see its not really me that does any of the programming on this site. I have a hardcore team of 4 chimps, 5 bonobos and a couple of gibbons to do testing.
You don't believe me? I'm serious - it costs a fortune to hire them from Primate Programming Inc."Our chimps and bonobos handle complex maintenance tasks and are experts at debugging techniques. Our gorillas handle software maintenance." Cheers Gromblog
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You have entered a strange new universe. Beer has turned into Mercury, but that's not the worrying thing. The bad news is that you don't like the mercury beer. No. The mercury beer is the least favourite of the alcoholic beverages dispensed by the eternal wormholes. You'll do anything to stop it getting into your drain-like mouth. You'll even revert to using you bat-like hand to stop the mercury beer from pouring itself into your ever open gob.
Or it could be another variation on the sudden glut of bat and ball games that we seem to be posting.
p.s. Do I get a special prize for doing such a weak screen-shot?
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"Who steals my purse steals trash"
No, bell-boy, not that Othello, the one where you turn bits on a board over to change their colour!
Don't Bell-boy me, I mean what I say! If you steal my wallet, all you get is a moth collection and a few old bus tickets, clever clogs!
It's going to be one of those days...
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Warning, the following post contains very bad bread jokes.
Temperatures are rising in the feud between two US towns that are laying claim as to who first sold sliced bread to the public.
Was it Chillicothe, Missouri or does the distinction go to Battle Creek in Michigan, who think that Chillicothe's claims are half-baked and that they should shut their collective cake-hole?
Apparently they've bun arguing about this for some time and without some eclairity as to the history involved then it could go Naan and Naan without resolution. Peronally, I think they're making a real wholemeal of it and there ain't a grain of truth in either claim.
Well, I bet whoever loses will do a massive Homer Simpson Style "Dough!". Its a real Pitta that people have to fight like this and cause each other such pain.
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Unofficial Friday? I better wade in then!
Here's another boinging game that can go on for ever. It's Pong, it's Pachinko, it's Pa-Chong!
I think Pong-chinko would have been a better name, but what can I do about it? Paint my nails? Nah, done that already. Half are in lime green, the other half, bubblegum pink. Electro!
I'll get back to the forums again
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Taz goes off on his well earned holiday tomorrow, which means today is an unofficial Friday here at Funjunkie Towers.
Reg is currently currently painting his toenails, Wild has been down in the underground secret* laboratory for the last two hours doing whatever it is he does down there, and I've been programming the bomb disposal robot to clean out the wombat's room**.
Unofficial Friday means Unofficial Friday Funjunkie Games, which in turn means I get a chance to really screw you up for the afternoon... Why? Because this little number is an absolute bastard of a game!
*The one that everyone knows about
**The last cleaner ended up in the Intensive Care Unit.
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We've been having problems with this wombat for a while now. Taz had the idea of sub-contracting some professionals to get rid of it.
Unfortunately they turned out to be as helpess as we were.
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Yesterday I promised that today I'd have proof that Jeff Goldblum watches me everytime I go to the toilet.
Why? Why must he continue to stare at me so? His eyes bore into the back of my skull and he seems to suggest that he has some foul deed planned...
Well, I got my proof, and if you're man or woman enough to view pictures of me with my pants down without being committed to an asylum afterwards, then you can see the horror that I must go through everytime I go to the loo here.
The things I do in the name of so called entertainment, honestly....
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If you were to be walking on your way to work one morning and stopped to tie your shoelace outside FJ Towers, there'd be only one sound you would hear (apart from your puffing and panting like a fat loon at the effort of bending down) would be the sound of us snacking on crisps and other such wheaten snacky delights.
You see we love crisps. Even the wombat stops tearing the place up at the sound of a packet of Monster Munch being opened.
Lucky for us comes the UK's best snack portal - Snackspot.org, delivering the lowdown on what's what in the world of crunchy snacks:The packets have little pictures of brown paper bags for that real takeaway feel. For added realism they should've made sure there was some greasy substance dripping out of the bottom and all down your trouser leg, or is that just me?
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Imagine if you will, that you've just woken up, and you turn on the telly. Zora Suleman appears in front of your bleary eyes*. It suddenly occurs to you that your morning glory is trying to rid itself of the duvet.
You rush to your computer, fire it up impatiently, and type in 'naked pics of Zora Suleman' into google. You wait a few seconds, and the results pop up. You click on the one that says Funjunkie, it sounds as if it could be a winner.
You're sadly disappointed.
This scenario happens everyday here at FJ towers. Hits from people looking for pictures of Zora to satisfy their craving to shake hot white coconuts from the palm of love increase significantly at about 9am. Bloody students.
Take the masturbation survey, and see if you come out smelling of roses. Or something less sweet.
*I know she's on holiday this week, but I'm asking you to use your imagination
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Game of the day goes to this little stroke of genius, which is a sort of take on those Sheep herding ideas. This one of course is ridiculous in concept because you're herding lots of mini mice towards their dinner with the contents of your pocket. Funnily enough there's no blue fluff and chewing gum wrappers, but thats artistic licence for you.
Go spend an hour at the Cyber Mouse Party 2003. Or don't... see if we care!
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This morning was not a typical morning in the office. I spent a portion of it painting a fake stone gargoyle with a Leicester City football strip. Really. No, really.*
There was a good reason, but I'm not going to tell you why, it's far too mundane. However, if you're craving for a piece of original Reg artwork, dive head first into the paintings thread in the forums to check out some of my latest efforts.
Then send me loads of cash mwwwwahhh ha ha!**
*I would have taken a photo to prove it, but for reasons far to complicated to divulge, I don't have my camera on me today.***
**Evil cash hungry laugh
***OK, it's not that complicated. I lent it to someone so they could take photos of a 'dance like a spaz' competition last night
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Instructions:
1) Go to JeffGoldBlumIsWatchingYouPoop.com and download one of the pictures of Jeff Goldblum.
2) Print out the image and cut it out.
3) Visit your local Water Closet and pin said picture of Goldblum to wall.
4) Have a poo.
5) Take photo of yourself having a poo with Jeff Goldblum watching you.
6) Send photo in to above website for inclusion in their gallery.
My contribution to the world of high art will be posted tomorrow.
If any of you would like to share your pictures of you performing this amazing and highly profitable hobby, please feel free to post your images in our (slightly wierd) forums.
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Ok, yes its been a little bit quiet here on the front page for the last few days.
I put my hand up and admit to it.
But I'm not going to even go near the 'Real Life' (known as 'RL' to those on the digitalectrickynet) cos that's lame, even though its fairly safe to say we're all a bit busy.
No, that's not why we're not posting much.
The real reason is that the humour quotient of people has plummeted of late. I'm not the only one to have seen it, so its true.
People are having a little rest from being hamusing and hirrelevent. It'll pass shortly, these things always do, so whilst it continues, we'll revisit a few things that were funny a while ago, and that continue to be even after all this time.
First up, one of my all-time favourites - The evil cackle that is Pipingrad - last visited by us mid-December last year.
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As the tumbleweed bush rolls slowly down the main hall here at Funjunkie towers, Reg folds up his Financial Times, straightens his smoking jacket and puts his pipe down on the occasional table* and turns to watch the event of the day.
Wild is seen running at full pelt down the hall, chasing the tumbleweed. It appears that the bush has strayed off path and is about to roll into the sleeping wombat. Last time something disturbed the wombat mid-slumber, we had to replace four doors, and fire brigade were called out to save the cat which ended up clinging to the weathervane. Then of course there was the plastic sugeon's bill for the rookie fireman who had the misfortune to be chosen to rescue her.
I've been watching this on camera from the comfort of the computer laboratory, where I'm currently wasting time playing G-Max Skateboarding. Ah, lazy days...
*It was a sofa yesterday.
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Hello again!
Did you all miss me?
Thought so. Don't blame you.
Cheers to Taz and Reg for holding the fort whilst I was away on my week off! Professional time-wasters, both of em.
Give me a couple of days to get back up to speed and to get The Summer Burn all over and done with (have you signed up yet? If not you only have a couple of hours left to do so...)
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After seeing the picture on the right, you'd be forgiven for thinking that this was a post about peaches. It kind of is, but kind of isn't at the same time.
Over in the forums, you can see the photographs of one of the flukiest chat up lines ever. FJ regular Kaiser thought all his christmasses had come at once.*
There's also another photo update on everyone's favourite thread, fridge watch - it's getting hot it here
*Insert your own 'phnarr phnarr' in here
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Some things just shouldn't be laughed at, but there are times when you can't help yourself. Like the time that Wild tripped over the wombat in the lower dungeon bathroom, hit the toilet bowl head first and ended up in a hand-stand position, with his cranium firmly wedged half way around the u-bend.
The firemen saw the funny side, Wild didn't. The wombat didn't either, which is why Wild has a large bite mark in his favourite pair of Kwik Save jeans.
Sometimes humour is just downright bad form, like Tard Blog. We shouldn't laugh, but...
"what was the part of the outing that you liked best?"
Jamel: "Eat birds."
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A while ago, we introduced you to the 'future of gladiatorial combat', via Auntie's Fight Box (no, that's not a horrible euphamism).
They've decided that time is right to start filming the series, and if you'd like to go and watch huge hulking monsters fight it out, you can go into town and stand outside McDonalds at 11.15 this evening. No, I mean, you can get free tickets for Fightbox by sending in a mail to freetix(delete-spamblock)@standroom.com.
I won't be there. I'll be down at Maccy D's egging on the cat fights.
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Remember kids, it's nearly deadline time for the Summer Burn, and this is going to be your final reminder! If you're already signed up, make sure your Nan is too, because she's got some blinging 78's.
Taz is going to spend his weekend pestering blokes on fruit machines, Wild's still on holiday, and I'm going to be arguing about modern art. Therefore this reminder is likely to be safe at the top of the page all weekend.
Bon voyage, mes amis!*
*That means 'three cheers for the weekend' in Dutch
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Game 2 of the Funjunkie Friday Game bonanza is a veritable bonanza of Fridayness and Gamerizing. Don't you start shouting about symantecs with me boy! So with that in mind, lets get down to the Funjunkifising of this Fridayable Gamotopia with some linkage bonanzification.
Don't start.
Anyway, have a laugh at the feds with Alien Hominid, who's intent on beheading anyone in his path... lovely little bugger that he is!
Bonanzatasic? You're darn tootin!
If anyone has the faintest idea what that was about, please don't hesitate to keep it to yourself. Thanks.
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Lets face it: weekends are boring. You've been to all the local tourist attractions, drank all of the local brews, you've gone further afield and once you even dared to take a day trip to Wales.* Been there, done that, and even got the crappy T-Shirt to prove it.
You need something new. Something to take your mind off the monotony of the week. Fortunately help is at hand, because Funjunkie is full of useful ideas and lemonade**. What we're going to do is build up a list of Things to make and do. Its a bit like Listen with Mother, but entirely different.
Here's mine: Go to the pub and wait for a particularly dense person to play on the fruit machine. Tap him/her on the shoulder and say "I'll bet you 20 quid you can't stop gambling". Its a win win situation!
Post your ideas in the comments section.
*A never to be repeated experience.
**While stocks last, which they won't because we ran out yesterday.
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It's a slow news day here at FJ towers. The ninjas that Wildo trained to go out on the information superlayby, scouring the globe for scraps of daftness, have turned up nowt.
Thankfully, we've managed to brainwash our readers into sending us stuff as well, therefore doing our jobs for us. Cheers to Buncle for making us aware of this important news story concerning the clearly quite incredible Hulk, and his giant green manhood. Thank you sir.
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Say kids, what time is it? Its Funjunkie Friday Game o'clock, of course!
Actually, if truth be told, its time for me to get my finger out and start doing some serious work. But before I hang up my hat, grab a super strong coffee, answer 400 emails and then knuckle down to a day of mind-bending coding... let me give you a taste of what's to come over the next 8 hours.
We'll start with this rather bizarre, but terribly cool version of Pinball. If you think you've Been there, done that all before, just check it out anyway, just for me. Go on, you can do that can't you? Oh go on... just one spoonful for me?
Ah screw it! Go out and get a cheeseburger then.
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Horror of horrors this morning when I found myself in an unknown part of Funjunkie Towers somewhere under the belfry, only to find it occupied by the cast of 80s (s)hit series, "Fame". All those crop tops and leg warmers... its enough to drive a man to drink.
Fortunately I'm already a fairly heavy drinker anyway, which probably explains why I've spent most of the day Walking in Circles.
Tenuous links? You'd better fucking believe it buddy!
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You know what? Tommorow night, friday night, is the fourth anniversary of the official 'Blokes being allowed to go down the boozer without their birds' night.
And you don't have to wear your lemon yellow Ralph Lauren shirt either, because there's absolutely no chance of you pulling. Unless you go for toothless old crones who prop up the end of the bar, acting like complete lushes.
So why's this? Well, it's 'thank god it's over night' at the Big Brother house. It's not all bad news then.
Unfortunately / fortunately Pop Idol 2 and Lame Academy both start straight away, so there should be more DIY free evenings in the offing very soon...
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Absolutely nothing like Wayne's World, Lawin's World is pschyed out trip of a Mexican wrestling gun battle.
Lawin is a guy who, according to his press release, runs like the wind, smells like shit and makes no sense at all.
We should get on just fine then! Come down to FJ HQ anytime you fancy, Lawin. Bring your chums too. Taz can do some sausage rolls, while I knock up a few Martinis. Wildo probably won't want to play. He'll be down the cellar again as usual, playing with his evil robot monkey army cloning devices. Unsocialble Northerner.
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What would make ideal girlfriend material for the average FJ editor?
Well, she'd be swedish. She'd be blue eyed, and blonde haired (in pigtails of course). She'd like drinking hard spirits, and share our dedication to the shining light and inspiration that is Sir David Hasselhoff*
Hold the phone, I think I'm in love.
My name is Johanna and I´m 18 years old and come from Sweden. I think that David is the most talented actor and the greates (sic) singer in the world.
*He would be a Sir, if we had the power to bestow honourary FJ knighthoods
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Thursday mornings occasionally hold a certain charm. If I bought a lottery ticket the night before, there's always a slight trepidation as I check the results on the national lottery site.
This week I'm feeling disappointed. As usual. One number. I think it should be against the trade descriptions act that they are called 'lucky dips'.
Oh well, another week behind the desk, evenings spent down the boozer flipping beer mats, dreaming of a limitless future...
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No doubt you are aware of the fact that mushrooms can only survive in the wild if they are fed on healthy diet of bees, spiders and other insects. Oh don't whine, of course its bloody true!
Most mushrooms don't have tongues, as far as I'm aware, but the butch mushroom has a tongue that could catch a fly at 400 yards, which is handy... or tonguey, you decide.
Anyway, there are only another 48 shopping days until you next decide to change your pants, so I suggest you get on with it. Have a nice day.
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Just in case you have been too lazy to drive a few hundred miles to see my pictures up in Pad, Northampton, be warned. They're only up for another week and then they'll be coming round your house and hanging themselves on your walls!!!
*ahem*. Maybe. I have sold one though, so you're lucky. There will only be seven knocking on your door in the near future...
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I like puerile stuff. A good fart always gets a giggle out of me.
That's why this game appeals. You take the role of Stimpy in full quack mode. You have to gas Ren under the bedsheets to make sure you have a good night's sleep.
Sweet Dreams
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Who cares if you move to Spain. Go and 'conquer' America for all we care. If it means we get a peaceful life, DO IT!
Have you guessed who I'm talking about yet? Yes, that's right, the Beckhams! If, like me, you don't care what 'Posh' wore as a bridesmaid outfit, or how Dave did in his pre-season physical, show how you feel with an ace Bored of the Beckhams t-shirt.
p.s. It's nearly my birthday again.* Size Medium in Olive please.
*December 22nd
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Quick quick! Get your entries in for The Summer Burn 2003 before the wombat gets wind of your tardiness. Rumour has it that the wombat is currently plotting a mass rampage, which will involve flattening anyone who forgets to sign up for the Summer Burn before the deadline on Monday.
Normally we would call on Domokun to diffuse the situation, but he's out touring the world. Wild's gone to Istanbul (not Constantinople), I've got a large amount of fluff in my bellybutton which is probably going to keep me occupied for the next few days and Reg is currently suffering from a severe case of Couldn't give a fuck syndrome.
So far this morning, several postcards of naked ladies have arrived with Censorship stickers over the good bits, a large ball of wool is forming in the kitchen and we're out of milk because the Rota says it's Reg's turn to pay the milkman.
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It's a play on words, you see - it's round pong - it's rong!
Apparently you can play with your 'mates' too, but I wouldn't know what that's like, because, well, umm... I haven't got any.
But who cares? I like being on my own, and sitting in my bedroom and reading Just 17 and trying out different hairstyles.*
*Actually, I'm not sure if that IS me or not
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Drama on Wednesday morning as Fridge Watch takes a step into the 21st Century with full colour photography type image thingamijigs.
Kaiser with mum, fridge, crisp packet and wombat today.
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The nominations for this year's Mercury Music Prize have just been released. The nominations this year seem to be a bit off kilter. Where's Think Tank? And what the heck are the Thrills doing in there? Apparently the selection was made 'from the fringes of music'. Yeah right.
Thankfully there is someone to back. I'm going down to the bookies at lunchtime to put a tenner on Lowestoft's finest: The Darkness winning. They absolutely deserve it. I'll try and find out what the odds are later on.
If Auntie's readers poll is anything to go by, yawn guitar wailers Coldplay will win. Please no.
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Remember the time you got attacked by a swarm of angry bees, who chased you over the edge of a cliff and into a river teeming with vicious crocodiles? Remember? Well wouldn't it have been useful if somebody had put up a warning sign? Wouldn't it?
Perhaps one of these would be useful.
The downside is, they don't have my favourite sign:
WARNING: In case of fire, do not attempt to attempt to use the lift. Try a fire extinguisher.
Thanks Coolios.
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Sometimes you have to sit back and wonder what the hell somebody was thinking of...
You wander around the Information Super Highway*, peeking through the odd keyhole, and every now and again you'll find something cute and seemingly innocent. A nice little animated message which you might want to pass on to your friends... one for the kids in fact, they'd enjoy it. But then you read the message at the end...
In the immortal words of Wondermill: "Click here to lick a friend".
*Which is currently being upgraded and therefore has only 1 of 3 lanes open, nobody working behind the traffic cones and speed cameras every 2 miles.
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So, you reckon you're the cream of the crop, and you'll rise to the top? You'll never eat a pig, 'cause a pig is a cop? Or better yet a terminator, like arnold schwarzenegger?
Well, I think you're all mouth and no trousers. You're not so quick on the draw, unlike a horse named McGraw.
Yeah? OK, prove it, ya frikkin' punk.
Word says you came to drop bombs, but the only thing you'll be droppin' is ya pants when yo get yo arse whupped!
Please turn off the whitey hip-hop...
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I just took Auntie's sense challenge. It's both interesting and educational. My score reflects my intellect and education. I got 12. Out of 20.
"Your final score is 12/20.
Okay, but you need to sharpen up. Your score isn't high enough to enter the prize draw to win a picture of your own brain"
What?!?! A picture of my brain? Surely they don't have microscopes that powerful!?!
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You are Nuclear Farting bear!
No, you are. Look in the mirror.
Anyway - chase the little flutter-bys and then gas them with your stinking guff gas. You dirty bear. Do bears shit in the woods? What day is it? Hello?
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Text Soup... its like Alphabetti Spaghetti, but different.
WARNING: Contents of site may contain words. If you are illiterate, nevermind eh. Its not like you can read this anyway you idiot!
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Pissed off with George Lucas adding jets to R2-D2 in episode 2? Well, check out the new face lift...
 Help me Obi-wan kenobi, you're our only hope |
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Apologies!
I got on the wrong hydro-foil on the way to FJ HQ this morning, and then I got off at alligator junction and had to fight the evil reptilian arm-wrestling gang so they gave me my bus fare back again, and then I realised that I had left my homework on the bus, and had to lie to Wild and say that my pet wombat had eaten it.
Anyway, enough about my morning, how about you? Is that a large pimple on your conk, or is it a paint ball?
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See, I knew that this would happen.
Do you want to know why it's taken so long for the friday game to rear it's ugly head? Do You? Huh?
It's because of the damn forums. I don't have the time to trawl through endless sites looking for games that will provide you with milliseconds worth of entertainment.
*sigh*
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Zora Suleman. Officially FJ's most popular referring search term. Well, you've got ot give the punters what they want...
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As you can see from the logo, it's Wild's birthday!
Although it isn't. It's tommorow, but the FJ art department don't work on Saturdays (some say they don't work at all).
That gives you plenty of warning to send him lots of hate mail, sorry, birthday cards, for tommorow.
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Shit the bed!
My home town of Snoozyville is going to get woken up tonight. Why's that? Well, tonight sees the opening of the town's very first bondage / fetish / goth nightclub - the black sheep.
Right then, I better dust off the gimp mask... see you down there at around about never o'clock
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Hmm, my interweb superhighway connection is starting to de-wombatise a bit, so you may start hearing from me again on a more regular basis soon.
*groans all round the auditorium*
To save postage, I didn't send you postcards on holiday. In fact, it was also to hide the fact that I can't actually write either. And also because I don't like you that much.
So here is a digital postcard of what I might have written to you, had I been bothered:
"Drunk, feck, streaking on the beach... BEER AS BIG AS HEAD!!!"
See, I saved myself a small fortune
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Panic in Taz land when a Dracanea is found to be pot-bound. Surgeons are currently working round the clock to find an earthenware vessel large enough to contain the stricken plant. If all goes well, we should have the first successful botanical transplant performed without a stethoscope, anaesthetic or antifungal solution.
On a brighter note, I've found a really stupid game that really winds me up. You are BillyBob, the second cousin of Ali Baba's mum's boyfried, who once dated somebody who said they knew Madonna! You have to infiltrate enemy headquarters and put them back together (the right way around this time... Geoff told me that looking like a Picasso painting for 3 months, really put a crimp on his sex life), and then kill the donkey whilst escaping in a 5 year old Vauxhall Nova with a full body kit, rust patches, alloy wheels, fat exhaust pipe and a 750cc engine.
Or not.
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Help!
Taz and Wild have trapped me in the FJ HQ dungeons! They said I was on holiday, and left a bottle of factor 30 suntain lotion on my desk.
It fooled everyone until the wombat kicked it over and made the connections loose...
Now I have *zbb* connection *zbb* intermittant *zzzxbb*
*POP*
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The London Underground system really isn't anywhere you want to be at the height of summer.
As anyone who's been on one at rush hour, with face pressed into someone's sweaty armpit in temperatures, in excess of 472C, can testify, it's slightly hot down there.
Now the Lord Mayor of London, one Mr Livingstone, is offering a £100,000 prize to anyone who can come up with a solution.
And the results of such a request? Genius mate, genius.."Equip all passengers with personal breathing apparatus and flood the tunnels using water from ye mighty Thames.
Rick Hough, UK" A better idea might be to install a fridge at every station and leave the door open. If it works for the girls in the fanta ads then its good enough for me.
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Hey man! You look upset. What is it? You say you've run out of milk and you're upset that all the milk you buy is branded with other people's logos?
Man, thats a bummer.
Hey! How about this! You can Rent a Cow! (Google translation).
Thats right. For 380 Swiss Francs you can rent a cow and get up to 140Kg of pure golden mountain cheese. Ahhh, think of the luxury.
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Take a trip into the world of Bubblesoap... or don't. See if I care!
Remember to close the gate behind you. Somebody left it open last week and a large flock of Buzzards escaped. Nobody knows why they didn't just fly out before that anyway, but that's not the point.
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So, yesterday I was in my lab, creating all sorts of scientific mayhem when I stumbled across the means to make a device known as the BESHRINKULATOR!
Nice name isn't it? I came up with it myself. I can see it being advertised on those 6-hour teleads with some cheese selling to an audience of actors.
Anyhow, I digress, I created this weapon of mass shrinkage and went back upstairs to the main FJ office to show the guys.
Unfortunately, the wombat was in full effect (read below) and when we finally got him in the cage I decided to poke him with the barrel of the BESHRINKULATOR. It was at this moment that the wombat snarled and swiped at the gun, causing it to malfunction and spray deadly BESHRINKULATOR rays all over the room.
Needless to say, both Taz and Reg got the lion's share, and promptly shrank down to infinitesimal size.
Can you help me get them back? I don't think I can face the wombat alone.
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Sorry to any of you that tried to access the site and got an error message.
My bad. Its hard to code when the wombat has savaged your right hand so badly that mere scraps of flesh are left to hold the bones together...
We really must do something about the resident wombat here at FJ towers. Its beginning to distract us from our important work*.
* ie the cessation of life as we know it on this tiny ball.
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Its strange what you find when you're not really looking for anything. Take for instance my recent wander out of Funjunkie Towers, down the road to Friends of FJ: TTR2.
I came across* a recent article entitled Clever Stuff, clicked on the link and thought: "Huh... that's Luke!"
And Lo, it was indeed Luke, who is a mate of mine who works for GOD TV** and has a bit of a thing about juggling.***
So that'll be on the Lycos chart in no time then.
*Then wiped it off and apologised.
**Don't worry, its not contagious.
***See above.
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At lunchtime I took a stroll into town to buy a magazine for my girlfriend who's off work ill.
I walked into a newsagent and noticed that whilst all the girlie magazines were all easily accessible, all the blokes' magazines were perched right up on the top shelf.
Hmm, I thought, there's no way in hell I'm going to buy a copy of Cosmo and retain any sense of dignity.
I reached up to grab a copy of FHM and then it happened.
The copy I grabbed somehow set of a chain reaction on the top shelf, and 30-50 copies of assorted porn decided to leap off the shelf and onto my head.
Dumbstruck, I stood there for a second before trying to replace every issue of 'Asian Babes' but I panicked and they kept slipping out of my hands.
It was too late, the entire shop of 60-somethings had already silently pegged me down as some sort of grubby pervert, and I could fear their ostracising wrath burn down deep into my eye sockets.
I fear I shall never darken the doors of that shop again.
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Well, I'm impressed. Signups for this year's Summer Burn CD Swap have exceeded expectations. I was expecting like 15-20 signups or something, but we had the 100th signup this morning and the total now stands at 107.
People from all over the world have signedup, from jolly old Britain, through Europe, with Germany, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Portugal - across over the pond to the US and Canada, and over to the other side taking in Australia and Hong Kong.
Amazing!
I think the music should be varied, if nothing else. Looking forward to getting the project going.
If you haven't signed up yet, then you're still welcome to do so - you have until Monday 28th July to do it.
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Ok, ok, I know I linked this at the awards ceremony last night, but its so class it needs to be 'frontpaged'.
The last surviving corner of olde worlde Crossroads fandom, The Crossroads Fan Club is an exciting treasure trove of Crossroads facts, trivia, video clips and interviews with the stars of your ex-favourite soap drama with wobbly walls.
Hey man, there's even a Crossroads Role Playing Group! This is excitement beyond earthly means! I bet there are hordes of potential Bennies just queueing up around the country as we speak!
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Its not just the word 'Funjunkie' that you can get tattoed on your body you know - even though its all the rage these days.
No, chinese characters seem to be fairly popular too. Just make sure that you're not an overpriviliged student when you go for one - not everyone likes students.
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After the controversy of last night's award ceremony continues to burn, so does the skin of anyone sitting next to the window in your sweat-box of an office. Currently at Funjunkie Towers, we're all taking turns to moon at the fridge, since the air conditioning broke down last night after being savaged by the Wombat.*
Doctor Taz prescribes relaxion with a good dose of Breakout 360°. More difficult than it looks.
*for the third time this month.
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Well, the results are finally in, the awards have all been chiselled with the names of their soon-to-be owners, and we go over live, to the main event, the Funjunkie Fantabulous Awards Ceremony 2003, with your host... Wild!
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"European Union to ban small fruit."
"EU to stop standardise toast sizes."
"EU to make Britons drive on the right hand side of the road."
"EU to ban pints in favour of 'ponts'."
"EU to declare mandatory Lederhosen day."
All true. Every one. Blimey, I even heard that the European Union is going to standardise feet sizes.
Oh, hang on- none of those are true? But they were in the papers, they must be true!
Ta to the shadowy cabal of UK assassins webloggers known as Haddock.
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I hate Real Audio. I hate Real Audio.
Just in case you didn't hear me, let me make this clear...
I HATE THE REALAUDIO PLAYER!
There, now I'm feeling expunged of all anger. I'm as calm and as settled as a butterfly who's invested in guaranteed return stocks and bonds*.
It seems that I'm not the only person who feels the need to shout about their hate for that crappy commercial-ridden, BBC-illadvisedly-using, crashing-on-startup kind of software.
Perhaps we could start a support group.
Cheers J-Walk.
* Butterflies are known to be extremely worried about fiscal matters. Seeing as a butterfly flapping its wings in Peru can cause entire stock exchanges to crash in New York, then they get antsy about their stock portfolios when flying anywhere.
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Its....too.....hot....
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Well, if we don't do anything else other than play the Seconds of Madness for the rest of the day, then it won't have been a day wasted.
Absolutely fantastic game that has you jumping up and screaming "NO...NOOOOO! FECKING THING!
Which is always a good sign.
Funjunkie gathers up its ornate robes and bows deeply to the Mecca that is the city of B3ta.
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"Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day."
However... Give a man a plunger? Well he might just make a fish cry. Which, lets face it, is far more amusing.*
*Funjunkie make no guarantees that you will find anything amusing that doesn't involve pygmy hippos.
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If you're over in California this weekend and you're bored and trying to find stuff to do, then how about head on over to the Annual Mooning of Amtrak - an event that brings together arses from many nations, of all shapes, colours and sizes! A beautiful vista indeed.
Remember, Amtrak Mooners, 5 minutes spent on essential hygiene before leaving the house can save much embarassment and tears.
Kinda reminds me of a walk I took along the beach in Studland, Dorset last weekend and suddenly found myself in the middle of the naturist area there. Well signposted? Well, there were certainly a lot of flagpoles.
I did a lot of looking at my feet.
*shudders*
No amount of scrubbing my brain with wire wool can remove this image.... (link contains naturists)
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Ok, it took me about 2 or 3 miniutes to actually understand what it was I was looking at on Chrissy Caviar.
Then it took me another minute to realise that it really was what I thought it was.
Then I thought: "Blimey."
Then I thought: "How many of them would I need for an omelette?"
Ta muchly Mr. Manic.
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There's a fresh list of referrer spamming going on at the moment, and its taking more and more effort to keep on top of the bastards as they change IPs again and again.
If I meet one of these bastard scummers in a dark alley....
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We all know that American Football is one of the most ridiculous sports known to man. Nobody knows whats going on. Its quite obviously just a cover-up for some evil scheme hatched by Wild's arch nemesis, who's plotting to take over the world with some robot monkeys with lots of padding, crash helmets and knee-length socks.
Strictly speaking, we only tolerate it because the ball looks slightly cooler to throw around the park than a rugby ball with "Gilbert" on the side. That and the fact that The last boy scout is a classic crap-but-great film, and Jerry Maguire features Renee Zellwegger in that "Audrey Hepburn Movie" dress.
Can't go down the park now though or the boss will fire you. But feel free to shout "Go Long!" in a dodgy Californian accent while lobbing balls through holes.
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Been bowling recently?
No not that kind of bowling, you dirty little person!
Anyway, its probably about time you stuck your feet in some putrid smelling, uncomfortable, sweaty hire shoes, donned a dodgy shirt with your name embroidered on the back, and stepped up with your fingers firmly stuck in three holes that seem to have something sticky inside that smells a bit like liquorice.
That, or you could play this one.
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Still recovering from yesterday's Wombat chase antics, so instead of doing lots of difficult work* and suchlike, we're going to kick back and get some serious gaming done.
Part 2 of the Funjunkie Friday Game bonanza sees us raiding the cookie jar, only to find it empty. Time to raid the cookie factory instead. Its a bit of a beast to control because the rotund rambler seems to have a mind of his own.
*A word not normally associated with "Friday" in the Funjunkie dressing room.
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Ah, Friday.... more comfy than a swimming pool full of marshmallows.
Sit back, relax. Employ a helpful feline/sparrow to jump all over your keyboard to make your boss think you're typing, whilst you get on a play these games that we 'ave 'ere for ya.
First up, Firefly, a not bad conversion of 80's classic arcade 3D shoot-em-up, Space Harrier (Christ, the number of 10Ps I used to pump into that thing...)
Ta Coolio's.
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I couldn't never do the Rubik's cube, my brain just isn't powerful enough in that area to cope with anything more than 2 dimensions.
That sort of mental disability makes advanced weaponry design a little tricky, and I've had my fair share of mishaps.
Luckily, there's a steady stream of unwilling human guinea pigs from the village down the hill from FJ Towers, so through the numbers game I've been able to perfect my next generation robot army.
Imagine though, if someone came along and plonked an 8 foot Rubik's cube in my lap. I think I'd probably blow a serious blood vessel.
This sort of thing must be stopped.
Giant domokuns/wombats/monkeys yes. Giant mathematical conumdrums. No!
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Its been a quiet day here on Funjunkie, but that's just the mask covering the chaos within. Here at Funjunkie Towers we've been running around trying to catch the Wombat, who somehow managed to get into the stationary cupboard and ate all of the crayons. Aparently wax is like a drug to wombats, sending them into a frenzy.
So there you have it. While I was sent into the ventillation systems to find him, Wild was manning the underground secret laboratory, trying to protect the evil robot monkey whatnots. If only Domo were here, we might have saved all of those poor, defenceless (and probably endangered) bats.
Its all over now, and Wild is back in the slightly less secret laboratory, trying to work out how to burn copy protected CDs.
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One sunny day, whilst plagiarising somebody else's thesis statement about the fundamentals of modern philosophy.
"According to Plato, the ideal society occurred when the three basic classifications of people lived in harmonious co-existence. Plato used this society as a model to determine the ideal personality. He argued that people whose inner lives are..."
Hi! It looks like you're writing a letter! Would you like me to help?
Uh, thanks clippy, but would you mind fucking off?
And of course it won't. These programs are designed to get on our tits at any given opportunity. The bouncing, jolly, happy, useless little paperclip is quite possibly the single most annoying thing about computers. People have topped themselves due to its inane chatter. However, Funjunkie chooses life. Funjunkie chooses to shoot the little bastard!
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Remember folks, you have 5 more days to vote for your favourite entry into our Camcorder Competition!
Also, we've detected a small amount of cheating in the voting. We knew this was going to happen, so we've had stuff in place to detect it.
Don't bother cheating please, we can see you doing it and your repeat votes will be removed in the final tally.
Thanks.
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Just a quick update to The Summer Burn project:
Due to demand, we've decided to open it up to the world as a whole, not just Europe.
It doesn't cost that much to send a CD, and it widens the range of music that will be received, so everyone should be happy with this.
So, sign up now if you were put off by the lack of your country in the list before!
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Whilst watching TV the other day I saw an old black and white advert for Heinz baked beans. It turned out to be a marketing campaign to change a marketing campaign... (Excuse me?)
Heinz have decided to take a look at their policy of teaching kids how not to spell, which means they're thinking of dropping the old logo "Beanz Meanz Heinz". That's where we come in. They want us to decide whether it goes, and if so, what should take its place.
Obviously this gives rise to an interesting concept. We could for instance, suggest the new logo be "Beans for Funjunkies", or something slightly less crap. So here's our idea:
You lot give us your ideas for a funjunkiefied beans logo in the comments section, and at the end of the day we'll pick one. Then we'll all submit that logo to the Beanz Meanz Heinz voting site. Bound to work!*
*Not on your life.
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Those of you in the weblogging community may remember last year's excellent Midsummer Night's Burn project (a spinoff from the US flavoured one) whereupon you signed up your address, received some others, sent custom CDs of your favourite summer music off to them and received CDs back from other people?
I think its generally agreed that everyone really enjoyed it and loved getting new music in the post from exotic destinations (like Romford).
Well, the bad news is that the original organisers aren't doing it any more. *sniff*
The good news, however, is that we've decided to organise it instead! Now you know us, we couldn't organise a tea party in a room full of chimps (although we have tried), but we're going to do it anyway.
Head on over to The Summer Burn 2003 page to find out more about how you can get involved!
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You kids don't know you're born, etc. etc. I remember the days when we used to have browsers such as Mosaic (with its little 'wired world' logo) and Linx. Back then, after winding the crank handle on the side of the 386 SX25, we'd sit down for the long haul while waiting for some grey background, crappy webpage to load on our 14.4 modems. And what did we always get?
CERN: 404 Object Not Found.
But not now, oh no. Now you get all these jazzy, clever-bugger replies from a web server. Like ours for instance, or the Misfortune Cookie, or the Simon Says machine. You didn't get that sort of thing on a ZX80, mark my words.
Well you'd better go and find some more, otherwise somebody will start complaining.
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Last night I watched Battle Royale for the second night in a row. Why? Only because its freakin well brilliant, that's why.
If you don't know the storyline, then here's a quick synopsis:
A class of schoolchildren are drugged on their coach. They wake up on an island wearing explosive collars that explode if they try to escape or take them off.
Their old school teacher comes in to inform them gleefully that they have 3 days to kill each other or all the collars explode, killing everyone. There can only be one survivor.
In order to do this, they're given a special weapon each, ranging from Uzi's to GPS tracking devices, from cyanide to pot lids.
Thats it. Its black, its sick, and I think I laughed all the way through, especially at the bit where misadventure with a dab of cyanide causes a room full of girls to riddle each other with bullets despite them being best friends 5 seconds earlier.
Class.
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Take one Nuclear Fridge*.
Place said fridge outside on the street.
Sit back and wait for someone to steal it.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, its the exciting antidote to boring Big Brother's lack of interest level; it'll have you on the edge of your seat in trepidation; its the one, the only, until it gets stolen, FRIDGE WATCH!
Is today the day when the nuclear fridge will get stolen?
What'll happen to the string that was placed inside it?
How will they defeat the evil genius of mastermind baddie, Gronslaz the Magnificent as he unveils his dastardly plans to use his armies of cybernetic wombat warriors to destroy the world?**
Tune in and find out!
* Basically, its a fridge, painted black with some wicked flames on it. That makes it Nuclear, pronounced Noo-Cyoo-Ler.
** And how do they plan to do it without Nuclear Fridge? Surely its the only weapon that could defeat him?
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I have discovered a new form of electronic communication. I shall dub it Cash-Mail until such time as some smart alec steps forward and tells me that its all been done before.
Its easy, its free, its secure (very secure).
So what is it? Well, first you need an online bank account with someone like Barclays. Now get the bank account details of the person you want to chat with.
Send them a nominal fee, say £1. If your bank supports it, you'll be able to type in a reference for the payment. Type in your message:
 Make your message deep and meaningful
Now simply send the payment. Now your recipient can read the message on their statements and to reply they simply send the £1 back with a new reference!
 A wonderful enlightening conversation.
Cash-Mail. Its all the rage.
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Apparently, we were hacked at the weekend.
Or were we?
Cheers Mike!
Thanks to all of you who sent us e-mails warning us. You're lovely, lovely people and we don't deserve you.
Well done to those who saw through our flimsy disguise. The clue was in the wombats.
Right! On with the show!
Its Monday, its the end of the nomination stage of our (seemingly ancient) Camcorder Competition, and so now its time that you guys voted for the winner.
We've rigged a special voting page up for the event, and there are three categories for you to vote in. Let slip the dogs of... er... voting!
You have one week to pick the winners.
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jgurli: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
jgurli: haha, ok lets go.
jgurli: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bninja: I stomp the ground, and snort
jgurli: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
jgurli: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
jgurli: No, ur not really a Rhino silly, it's just part of the game.
bninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
jgurli: stop, cmon be serious.
bninja: Doesn't get any more serious than a Rhino about to charge your ass
jgurli: thats it.
bninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bninja: Goddam am I hard now.
Bash.org rocks.
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You know what they always say...
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!"
But is it? Is it really?
Current high score to beat: 215
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So, congratulations go out to Takeru Kobayashi (9 stone), the current Hot Dog Eating World Record Holder and World Champion, who successfully defended his title on Friday (would have informed you sooner, but there was nice weather this weekend and so had to sit on the beach and have a life).
He obliterated his competition but disappointed himself by not reaching his self-set record of 50, managing only 44.5 instead (I can just imagine the other half poking out of his mouth, Takeru unable to swallow it at all - wafer thin mint sir?)
So, jolly well done, crazy hot dog eating type man, you.
What's most upsetting though is William "The Fridge" Perry's lack of form. For a man of his stature (29 stone!), he managed only 4 hot dogs. Hmm, the whole thing a publicity stunt methinks? Even my girlfriend could manage 4 hot dogs, not that she would, mind (he added quickly).
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So what is it that ex Big Brother housemates do after their 15 minutes of fame?
Do they go to every f-list celeb bash they can and get drunk on the free booze and get their arses out until people realise they're talentless no-hopers who should be avoided like lepers?
Yes.
Oh, er, no.
Well, not all of them
Some go onto to grand things like hosting RI:SE, or Kids TV, or DIY shows.
But the real geniuses go on to invent the tea bag bin and make millions. Millions I tell you.
as seen on NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown - the cuppa portal.
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Fellas! Touch your hair.
Go on, touch it, I'm not joking.
Feeeeeel the quality, the luxurious verdancy of it.
Well, hold that thought and store it deep in your memory for long term storage, because one day, you're gonna be combing over, and there's not a thing you can do about it. Its your destiny, Luke.
Hell, you'll probably even start to think you look good combing it over, that the last rapidly diminishing vestiges of barnet can still combine to make you look as attractive to the ladies as you do now.
And thats when me and ol' Burt Reynolds will come along in our flash new toupées and pick up the hot chicks. Yea. Just you watch.
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The Evil Science Journal - the enlightened read for the more discerning evil scientist like myself.
Perfect for unwinding after a hard day's welding laser guns onto one's evil robot monkey ninjas.
Its not as glam a lifestyle as you might think you know. There's a serious amount of graft that goes into a "well thought out plan to takeover the world but which will ultimately be thwarted by a single British agent with a penchant for vodka cocktails and his large breasted sidekick"."I call upon government to change its polices, allowing British made robots to stand tall once more. There are Evil Scientists out there who can't get a fair crack of the whip, due to short sightedness from our current government.
Great Britain's maniacal meddlers used to lead the world in Robot Building. Now we are lagging behind the rest of the world due to lack of proper funds and initiatives." I couldn't agree more.
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As Taz reported earlier, most of today I have been bustling around down deep in the dank slimy bowels of the Earth, somewhere far below the Funjunkie Headquarters.
Occasionally, Taz and Reg send me down there when my evil plans become too menacing so that I can bring harm to no-one, but neither of them ever suspected what I got up to down there. No.
Well, I've put my evil genius talents to great use and built myself a great laboratory, perfect for perfecting my armies of evil robot monkey ninjas. Muahaha!
Currently, I'm waiting for a shipment of spare gibbon's tails, so progress is slow. However, I've been keeping myself entertained with evil side projects designed to destroy the Earth.
Check out the latest one I've been doing, creating a Plastic Hydrogen Bomb (also click the terrorist report link whilst there).
No one can stop me now! Aha! Ahaahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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With Reg on holiday and Wild being otherwise engaged somwhere down in the underground laboratory at Funjunkie Towers, it looks like Taz is holding the fort a bit today.
Still, no matter. There's plenty of FFG games to go around... No pushing at the back there please! The first game of the afternoon (before I go and get myself a banana and chilli pickle sandwich) is a new twist on those 'diamond mine' type puzzles. This time you're lining up Bouncy Balls.
Watch out, it could get addictive.
Update: It seems that wild finished in the lab before I posted this. So we'll call it FFG IV instead.
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ah, Fridays, so packed full of distracting games to keep you from doing what you should be.
Here's a different one, quite beautiful and intriguing. Guide the wee man clad in white through the strange (and I do mean strange in a fully European (Czech Republic) style) world thats destined to crash into his unless you help him out.
Bizarre puzzles to solve to get from screen to screen, but engaging and lovely to watch. Samorost.
Cheers Coolios.
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The second installment of the World Famous Funjunkie Friday Game Bonanza (which makes a handy accronym: WFFFGB), and this time its Kill or be Killed!*
Is it stupid? Yes. Is it pointless? Yes. Is it a game about shooting flying dogs? You're damn right it is!
*Apart from the bit about being killed, because its not true.
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The first Funjunkie Friday Game of the week, and its one that should keep your idle minds occupied for several pico-seconds.
Rats are strange little bastards, and they like nothing more than digging tunnels and escaping through conveniently placed doors.* Obviously they must be stopped!
Good luck... you're going to need it.**
*Funjunkie would like to point out that as a species, rats generally don't do any of these things. We take no responsibility for your children growing up with heads filled with lies and misconceptions. That's your own fault.
**Because for one thing, you're not as good as us, as we're professionals and we're really really clevvur. Plus it's infuriatingly difficult.
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You know that bit in Good Will Hunting when he slaps Minnie Driver's phone number up against the window and says "how da you like dem apples?", well, I've never understood that. What is he talking about?
I'm going to ask you the same thing now, even though I have no idea what it means.
"How do you like these apples?" It doesn't quite work in an English accent does it?
Oh, the answer is "I quite like them, but it's still a bit dull isn't it?"
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Japanese stuff is cool right? I mean, they have hot dog world record holders, manga, domokun, ninjas who could kill you just by looking at you, fast trains, crazy ass shit, the list just goes on and on about how cool the Japanese are.
So let's go and learn the language and emigrate over there and relax for the rest of our days, swamped in bizarre 'Hello Kitty' radish holders, and live lobster vending machines.
Oh, bad idea you say?
Random Quote:"English Sentence:
Jane went to the school.
Same Sentence In Japanese:
School Jane To Went Monkey Apple Carburetor."
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Good luck tomorrow to Takeru Kobayashi, the current Hot Dog World Record holder, who will be attempting to beat his record and the other competitors in this year's Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.
And just who is this diminuitive Japanese man's closest rival? Why, its none other than 80's American Football legend, William "The Fridge" Perry. These days he's a little bit larger though.
We'll bring you the results as they come in. Its more interesting than watch Henman do his 'Tiger' impressions anyway.
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Had I mentioned that I'm going on holiday tomorrow? That means, by way of ancient by-laws*, that today can be rightfully claimed as a Friday. And everyone knows that that means you get games to play!
Here's a test of skill and dexterity that should improve your 'marksmanship'. You know those pineapple cubes that they put in the urinals? Well, you have to keep your bladder pressure up by drinking lager, and avoiding the obstacles. Make sure you wash your hands afterwards.
*That I just made up
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As reported recently, the FJ Raleigh Chopper team went to the Billing Chopper rally.
I've found that there are lots more photos from this event, thanks to the Banbridge Old Vehicle Club forum.
From there, I took a left turn, and ended up at Buick Riviera. And how I laughed. Sorry for nicking this picture without asking, but I couldn't find any contact details on your site Mr. Riviera, and I just have to share this with the world.
 C5 takes a dive
'Tall Martin' takes stuntwork to a whole new plain in his Sinclair C5.
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It's summer, it's raining.
Do I care? Nope, not one bit - and it's not because I've finally got used to living on this damp little island. It's because I'm going on holiday tommorow!!!
If, like you unfortunates, I were staying in damp old Blighty over this weekend, I could choose to get out of the rain by going to Darkstar. This is where FJ regular Xavier locks you up in a small room with lots of other unwashed geeks and forces you to shoot each other. Virtually.
Personally, I'm going to be playing my video games while dangling my feet in the Med. Now, if I can only lay off the cheap lager long enough to keep my head clear so I can beat my all time top score on Tetris...
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You have until Monday morning to get your final entries in for our fine competition to win a digital camcorder!!
We've had some amazing/awe-inspiring/rude/hilarious/shit entries, so well done to all who've entered so far!
Don't let them win! Its not too late for you to enter, so grab your camera, and get a photo of you holding some sort of funjunkie sign and get it sent in pronto!
Remember, no photoshop/digitally altered entries please. If you're one of the few that sent one in, get a proper one sorted out straightaway for a chance to win!
The voting will begin sometime shortly after the deadline on Monday, and you'll all be able to vote for the winner in 3 categories: The Best, the Worst and the Funniest. We'll also be awarding a special Editor's Choice prize as well, and there'll be prizes akimbo, from the camcorder, to space hoppers, to David Hasselhoff merchandise!
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Many many moons ago, there were forums. And God saw that they were good.
For a time, men of the Earth came and played in the forums, frolicking in the fountains and eating wild deer under their shady boughs.
But then the men went away, and without them the forums faded and the flowers drooped and the water turned sour.
It was dark for many many nights and the forums became a frozen wilderness where nothing lived.
But then, a spark of light appeared on the horizon illuminated the land, and men were seen to be coming back, happy and singing.
And lo, it was with this that the great God of Funjunkie land (that would be me, apparently) restored the great river and set it to flow through the rapidly thawing land.
In other words, the Funjunkie forums are open again after an extended period of closure due to non-use. Abuse them at your leisure.
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I know most of you reading this are going out with several partners at once, and that you find it tricky keeping up with where you are and where you're just saying you are.
Likewise with faces. You don't want to be in bed with partner number 1, while screaming the name of partner number 4. Caller display on your cellular telephone has helped you out a lot, but FJ can help you even further.
We're going to train you to remember faces in an instant. Yes, we're going to make you play the face memory game. It sounds dull, but you'll be thanking us when you wake up on Sunday morning - mark my words!
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There's a post over on Blogjam at the moment where Fraser discovers the mad TV skills of his readership, and reveals that he once starred in a The Cure video.
Scaryduck adds that he once on russian TV captioned as a UK government spy! The man is a walking touch of class.
For my part, I was once in a US condom commercial where I had to utter the immortal line, "Slip it on me!". My left hand was also once on screen for about 3 seconds whilst a friend of mine chatted to Princess Anne during a local news bulletin.
So, as you can see, my Equity card is well overdue.
Tell us in the comments how you've spent your 15 minutes...
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FJ regular Kaiser was once involved in a council sponsored 'art day'. What he had to do was just sit in the local pedestrian precinct and knock up a few large paintings while members of the public could watch. A bit like a chimp's tea party.
He did one particular painting in about 15 minutes, and sold it to a couple who happened to be passing at the time. Bad move. Everytime this couple bump into him in a club/boozer/shopping environment, they have to corner him and tell him at length how much they love his picture. Oh, how he regrets doing it.
Anyway, he's set himself up for a lot more public abuse by joining me in putting up some pictures in a shop in town.
Full Story >>
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Clever people. What would the world be without them? Always telling us things that our lesser minds couldn't possibly fathom. Its the wonders of modern science, and no mistake.
So lets see what those Mensa people can tell us...
"1 in 50 people have an IQ in the top 2%"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call Rocket Science!
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Spank it!
Spank it you bitch!
ah, you've come in on a conversation about halfway through there and you've undoubtedly come to the wrong conclusion. I am not in fact referring to oiled up Brazilian ladies slapping my John Thomas with wet fish, oh no - that's later.
Instead, I'm getting overexcited at this natty wee Natwest Trophy Cricket game. Bowl or bat, England or Pakistan, it doesn't matter, just effing well spank your opponents all over the shop.
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Do you remember when you got attacked by a shark last year? Everyone's advice to you afterwards was 'get straight back into the water, otherwise you'll never conquer your fear'.
This breakdancing kid received the same advice. Not the name of the video: From cool to tool.
By the way, if you haven't had a look recently, the last two entries in the FJ competition are from the ladies - and they're starting to strip off in a desperate bid to win your votes...
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Wimbledon's still going on in some backwater village, somewhere daan saaf! All well and good you might think, until you remember that you're sitting in a concrete box, looking at a little glowing box, wishing you could be sitting in a box pretending to drive... "Nerrr... Brmm-Brmm... Nerrrr, Screeech!"
Insert mutterings about legions of evil robot monkeys here
So anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my imagination, you ought to get out there and play some big ping-pong yourself. What? Its raining? Okay then, how about a couple of computer games then...
First up is Auntie's attempt: Tardis Tennis. Its a bit poor actually, but try to be nice... they're only a small outfit. Far superior is Tennis Ace, which rather kicks arse!
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The History of Soup as defined by that manufacturer of mighty tasty and warming soups, Campbell's.
Because its one of those things you should know.
Mmmmm. Soup.
If anyone at Campbell's is reading this, a cheque for $400 will do nicely, thanks. I have legions of evil robot monkeys to create and these things don't build themselves you know.
In the interests of fairness* you may also like to read about the delicious and wholesome soups that Heinz has to offer the hungry human.
* ie, a cheque from Heinz for $400 will go down just as nicely thanks. I have legions of evil robot monkeys to create and these things... etc etc etc
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It may not be Friday, but that never stopped us at Funjunkie Towers from wasting a couple of minutes on a game or two.
Your mission, should you choose to arse about for the next 10 minutes, is to race your car down a busy road, avoiding oncoming traffic, hiding under trucks and escaping from a rather large number of police cars.
Obviously this is some bizarre advertising ploy, deigned to make you rush out and watch 2 Fast 2 Furious. Of course if you're anything like me, you'll not bother because you'll realise that a sequel to a film that was shite in the first place, can only be shameless way of trying to get more money out of punters who are too preoccupied to notice that its the same thing with less plot and an even cheaper cast.
Still, Zip Zaps is at least a couple of femto-seconds of fun.
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Ladies!
Tired of articles in Cosmo about prostitution, makeup, self-empowerment, top 10 perfumes, adverts containing women so gorgeous as to defy whatever deity is fashionable these days?
Feel left out of the Female World?
Then try Happy Woman Magazine! Its chock full of real life useful tips and tricks that you, as a modern woman, need to get through everyday life, such as How To Safeguard Yourself Against Kidney Theft and How Your Grout Could Be Killing You!.
Most useful though, is the superlative How to Lose Yourself in 10 Days!
Invaluable.
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The Dark Side of the Weakest Link
Losing contestants on 'The Weakest Link' are taken round to the back of Television Centre and shot.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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"And for those of you watching who haven't got television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2."
- David Coleman |
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DeathGob
