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The Summer Burn has started! Check your inbox now. |
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Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, FJ’s very own Badger Mushroom is spinning some platters that matter this Saturday during the Stern Radio club night at the Roadmender, Northampton*. Don’t be scared, there won’t be any radios that are stern there. Well, I hope not, or I may poop my pants.
If you’re not coming along, you’d better have your excuses ready on Monday morning. We’ll be doing a head count.
*England, Earth
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You lucky buggers. You've already had a bonanza of games today, but I've been keeping the best to last.
That's unless Taz or someone comes along and adds another game. Then it won't be the last. But it will still be the best. Unless the other one is better. Then it will be the second best. But until that (improbable) situation occurs, get playing Avoider, and post your scores in the old comments box below.
Current office high score is 710.
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Monster Trucks: Ace!
Red Monster Trucks: Double Ace!
Red Monster Trucks with 4 wheel drive: Double Ace on Toast!
Red Monster Trucks with 4 wheel drive and great big studded tyres? Well that's just silly, and they can't possibly exist, can they?
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Bloody hell - I just lost Switzerland! I had it one second, then it just disappeared. Fortunately, it wasn’t the big one with mountains and cuckoo clocks, it was just a piece of the next FJ Friday game. I must clean the wombat droppings of the bottom of my mouse, it really effects the handling. Or maybe I put the wrong petrol in last time I filled it up.
Cheers to Xavier, blame him if it taxes your brain too much.
You have still got a brain, right?
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You may have noticed that I'm posting all these games rather early in the day. Certainly far too early for any other self-respecting FJ editor, all of whom are currently tucked up in bed, dreaming about kittens, puppies and all sorts of lovely things.
Unfortunately I had far too much cheese last night, and ended up lying in bed watching various nightmares in my head.
As you know, it's scientifically proven that eating cheese before bed time gives you nightmares, but I bet you never realised that those horrific dreams would be about cheese. I bet you never realised that they'd be about not being able to eat cheese, and who among us doesn't love cheese? Everybody loves cheese. FACT! So try to imagine the horror of not being able to get your cheese without risking life and limb.
It's a sinister thought.
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I know you haven't seen a lot of me recently, and I can explain... I have got a decent excuse...
The dog ate it... oh wait, no, that wasn't it. I missed the bus... ah no, that doesn't fit. Hell, there must be a relevant excuse somewhere in my book entitled "How to get away with just about anything... for Dummies".
Evidently the author really doesn't appreciate quite how dumb some dummies can be. Still, nevermind. We're here on Friday for one thing, and one thing only. To slurf like we've never slurfed before. So get your fingers at the ready and start playing some Funjunkie Friday Games... starting with some sort of Caravan Race.
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You know what it’s like, you’re waiting for a FJ Friday game all week, then three come along all at once. In a bid to warm you up for tomorrow’s weekly game-a-thon, here’s an oldie (but a goodie) from a while ago to get you reflexes back on track.
Post your times in the comments box, and we’ll see you tomorrow. If you’re lucky.
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Since the soap has repeatedly gone missing in the FJ changing rooms, we’ve had to install CCTV. Badger Mushroom has been suspiciously keen on watching the monitors. I don’t know if it’s because he’s keen on catching the soap thief, or because he can catch a glimpse of everyone while they’re getting changed. I just don't know.
I would ask him, but I've got to hide this soap before anyone catches me.
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Forum regulars Hog & Mittens are having a disco night this weekend, and as an extra special treat, they’re flying in (from Mars) FJ’s very own Badger Mushroom too. It’ll be very exciting, as there will be music, dancing, drinking… and whatever other things fashionable youngsters do at nightclubs.
All the details are listed here, and if you go, Badger Mushroom will be signing any BM merchandise that you take along with you between the hours of 11pm and midnight*. Personally, I’m taking my BM jockstrap and matching socks set.
Looking forward to it guys, see you there!
*Well, that's what it said in the BM fanclub newsletter
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Oh no! The Merciless Killer Lizard DJ's are on the rampage again, and we're too busy to fight him off*. That means the only hope of survival for mankind rests on your shoulders. Slip on your dancing shoes and breakdance your way to the stars to do battle with the evil reptilians**.
*The new stationary catalogue has come through to FJ Towers, and we're trying to decide on how many staplers to get, and what colour post-it notes we should have.
**No, I know it sounds as if I'm making it all up, but that's what you have to do - honestly!
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Good Morning fellow Summer Burners. It is I... Taz.
Today we will be adding a facility to enable Summer Burners to contact their 2 swap partners by email. There's good reason for this, although not good in some respects. So for those of you still waiting for one or both of your CDs, and those of you who'd like to be able to send thanks, please check the Summer Burn page after about 9am to find out how.
Hang in there kids...
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As the rhyme goes: "I'm the king of the castle. You're the dirty rascal."
Pretty apt I think you'll agree, which brings me onto another point. Isn't it about time you fixed that shower? This dirty rascal business is all very well, but the smell is starting to worry the neighbours.
Since we're feeling generous, we may let you use the shower here at Funjunkie Towers while we go away for the weekend, but in return for the favour you might have to help out with a bit of defence. It seems that the wombat has been pissing off the locals again by mutilating* a few of them, so they've been out and bought a few weapons of mass distraction to keep us entertained.
*Honestly, I don't know what their problem is. What's a few mutilations between friends?
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I'm Sorry, I just can't hold back any longer..... but can you blame me!? I get up in a morning and it's on my telly. I go to work - people are talking about it. I read the papers - some fat bird is telling the world they once had Anthony's cock in her mouth (or should that be bloke). I go home at night and it's on my telly. In fact, it's on all the fucking time.
That's my excuse anyway. I've tried God, I've tried so hard, but when I pick up my remote I can feel myself being sucked in like a Footballer to a Prostitute.
I'd like to personally thank Channel 4 for gracing the BB house with the usual grating bunch of knob jockey's. I'd love to give them an individual slating but I can't be arsed. I can honestly say I despise them all......... all but one! Little Science, or Kieron Harvey as he's known to his mum. What a star that boy is. How can he not win after telling the rest of those utter berks how shit they all are.
So I urge you people. Keep Science in! Otherwise I won't have anything to do of an evening and I won't win by £7.00 for Ladbrooks.
Call 09016 16 16 15 to vote out the moaning Irish bird.
Thanks.
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I know Taz feels as if he's on his own in bringing you this weeks FJ Friday Games, but that's only because the rest of the staff are too busy playing Mini Bet On Soldier.
We're really very sorry Mr Taz, but until we knock you off the top of the FJ league table, you can hardly expect us to do anything else, can you? You shouldn't have set us such a hard target.
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An important part of being a Funjunkie Editor is making sure one uses up his or her quota of special words. Today I get to use the word "Snatch" in a post, which has got me giggling like a schoolgirl. I've even sellotaped on some pigtails to give the full effect.
So onto more important things. There's this game, right. It's got cats... it's got balloons... it's got birds*... it's got egg whisks...
...wait a minute.
Bird Snatchers. It's not entirely normal.
*The ones with wings**
**And I'm not talking about Bodyform***
***WHAAAAAAAA Bodyfo-rm!
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Being a traditional sort of chap, I always like to start off the Funjunkie Friday Games with the first. I know for a fact that Reg tends to start on number 3, then using a complex algorithm, chooses the next 5 games in what almost appears to be a random order but is in fact a highly sophisticated sequence, scientifically proven to increase your neural activity throughout the day, culminating in almost inevitable orgasm.
Of course this would work if it weren't for the fact that myself and my colleagues* keep fucking up the system by putting in our random entries.
So I'm sorry about your lack of climax at the end of the day, but put it this way: Do you really want to be shouting "Oh Yes! Yes! YES!" at the top of your voice in front of the whole office?
Oh right, I suppose you want to see the games then. First off is the rather excellent BMX Backflips 2. You might as well take the phone off the hook now.
*Yes, there are other editors here at FJ Towers.
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Poor old cows. They're life is never easy, what with having to stand in a field all day eating grass.
As if that wasn't enough trouble to take on, now the powers that be are taking away their only pleasure... grass. Not all that stuff underfoot mind you, but the stuff you find in most cafes in Amsterdam.
Now I never knew that cows were stoners, but that does explain why they're forever queing up outside the petrol station at midnight and asking for 20 packets of crisps and some rizzlas.
So no more high cows for the foreseeable future. From now on they'll just have to be Low.
Ha! Low, geddit? No? Ah, what do I pay you for?
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Trees are ace. You can climb them, stick (tree) houses in them, take a wee-wee up them, and all sorts of things!
Thanks to some spiffy new technology from Texone, you can now have you very own tree on your computer, but just typing in a website address. Look, here’s one I prepared earlier.
Just remember that it’s only a virtual tree, and it's probably not a good idea to take a wee-wee on your monitor; you might get an electric shock. And if you’re in an office / school / library, you might also get some funny looks.
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Talking of skateboarding*, have you heard the one about the guy who just jumped the Great Wall of China?
The crazy loon decided to finally do something with all that 8x4 that was knocking around in the back of his shed and make a rather large ramp with it. All the videos, pictures, etc can be found here. This isn't one to try at home, kids**.
*Not personally, obviously
**Unless you have your very own Great Wall of China in your back garden
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This morning I made a startling discovery. We have a mini Vert Ramp here inside Funjunkie Towers, and it's small enough to fit into our bathroom.
As big as our mansion is, it's still only got one very small bathroom. Not only is this a pain in the arse every morning, as everyone sets their alarms earlier and earlier to beat the inevitable queue, but it also means that we don't have a proper shower cubicle. We've got one of those bath showers, and it turns out that this is a bonus. Baths have high, steep sides and curved bases, much like a vert ramp for skateboarders.
So there I was, standing under the drips with soap in hand, when the bar did it's usual flying-out-of-the-hand routine. Amazingly it's trajectory sent it straight down one side of the bath, propelled across and up the other side into a seriously big Air! Then just to top it off, the soap managed another full set of tricks on the other side before flying out of the bath and hitting the Wombat in the eye.
Hopefully the bathroom will be repaired in time for tomorrow morning's shower, then I can practice some 720s, Fakies, and other such things that nobody understands.
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One of the finest inventions of the late 19th Century was that of the modern Zombie. The first Zombies were heavy, cumbersome and had little or no commercial value, being too slow to catch anything other than a dead Mushroom. Then along came a chap by the name of Franz Schlinter, who through the use of new rotting flesh technologies, revolutionised the Zombie product.
He soon set up several Zombie construction companies throughout the South West, and distribution warehouses in most major cities. After 2 years the Zombie enterprise was strong in most European countries, and was even making an impact in the Indian Subcontinent.
To this day, Zombies are still created the same way, and all for you pleasure of Shooting the unliving crap out of them.
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So Taz has got the ball rolling, and we're underway on BIG Friday. Smashing, let's carry on this ball related theme then.
Ever heard of Planarity? No, neither have I. In fact, I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to say it and I've given up. what I do know is that it's something about moving the lines that join the balls so that they don't cross. It's basically the Ghostbusters adage of 'Don't cross the streams!!!' but for clever people. Which we all are.....
Anyway, give it a go. I promise you it's very addictive*. Cheers to Forum regular Merkio for the tip-off.
*Well I think so, what do you know?**
**Not alot
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It's already past 9am and still no games to speak of. Not that I'd expect you to speak of it if there were games, that would be silly. I mean it's not like you go around town stopping unsuspecting pedestrians and telling them about Funjunkie Friday Games now is it?
The question is, why not? Are you that ashamed of us? Don't we make you happy? We work tirelessly to keep you entertained and this is how you thank us. Well that just takes the biscuit!
Go out there and shout at the passers-by. If you don't get arrested or sectioned, you might want to come back inside and try out BMX Freestyle. Why? Because we say so, that's why.
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I would start this morning's posts off with a game, but I've found something infinitely more satisfying. Okay, so it's Friday, and as such we should be helping you to slack off with all manner of timewasting Funjunkie Friday Games. What gives us the right to deny you that on a first post of the day?
Well you do get to beat the shit out of that bloody frog!
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Leaving Earth has had it's pros and cons. We're no longer inundated with hoards of pitchfork wielding locals at the main gate here at Funjunkie Towers, but it's not all beer and skittles.
The lack of local peasants has had a serious effect on the Wombat's diet, which mainly used to consist of Human flesh. During an average weekly raid by the townsfolk, we'd happily let the little blighter outside to have the pick of the crop, but now that's all gone. He's had a good go at us mind you. We're running out of places to take skin from to graft back onto our legs, and the postman has taken to delivering our daily sack of hate mail by firing it out of the gun turret of a large Martian Tank. Made a hell of a mess of the stained glass window last week.
So we're onto alternatives now to satisfy the Wombat. He's currently tucking into a trough full of Hufu, which although may look tempting, doesn't seem to be half as exciting as gnawing on Reg's hand while he's sleeping in an armchair. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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I was going to ask you if you wanted to see some juicy melons, but that would be a stupid question. Instead, I'm going to ask you if you want to see some intricately carved watermelons.
You're probably not so interested now, but I can assure you, they're still pretty impressive.
Thanks Mr O, you melon hunter
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Good morning my little fruitloops, how the devil are you? I imagine you're all feeling very happy because: 1 - The sun is shining and making everything toasty warm, and 2 - It's little Friday!
As is customary for little Friday, let's get a bandwagon on the go shall we? Seeing as the Open has just started in Scotland, I reckon a golf-based bandwagon would go down a treat.
Here's a few to get you into the swing of things:- 9-Iron Maiden
- Golf Girl - Caravan
- The Fouuuuuuur! Tops
- The Putting Crew
- Ninth Hole Inch Nails
- Faith No More Water, I've dropped enough shots already!
Add yours in the comments below...
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Here at Funjunkie Towers we're heavily involved in dozens of Hollywood Celebrity Fan Clubs. Every morning we're buzzing about the latest photos and postcards that drop through our letterbox, hoping beyond hope that they might be from another one of our many idols.
Idols like Tom Cruise. We love Tom Cruise in a way that no human should. Not because he's a great actor or owt. Not even because he's a short-arse famous twunt with more money than Her Maj. No, we're not in it for all the shallow sensationalist nonsense, but for something far more intellectually appealing.
We love Tom Cruise because he's completely and utterly stark raving nuts. All that Scientology stuff, tantrums about water in the face, and jumping around on sofas... The guy is a fucking hero! Imagine having one of those to bring out at parties.
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While you're waiting for something new to happen around here, maybe you'd like to have a look at a couple of newly affiliated Flickr groups.
First off we have Crude Photoshopping, which does exactly what it says on the tin; the crudely photoshopped tin. Then there's the slightly more upmarket Flaming Paintjobs, which does exactly what it says on the tin as well. The paint tin.
Normal upbeat service might be resumed once we come in out of the sun.
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We all know that Curling is one of the most ridiculously pointless sports in the world, and thus should hardly get a mention here on Funjunkie. But what if Curling was played by cows? Would that make it any more interesting to watch or play?
You decide.
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Speaking of Jedis, which of course we weren't, but we've never been ones for relevance, nor have we been ones for finishing a sentence properly...
...there was a point to this post, but I've forgotten what it was.
Something to do with playing French Cricket with a Jedi Light Sabre, or words to that effect.
Tell you what, why don't you fill in the blanks.
Dear reader,
______ ____ ___ ______ ______. ____ _ ____ ___ _ ____? ____ __________ ____ _ ____ ___ _______ _____.
Taz
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Good afternoon, my delicious looking pterodactyls. My, you've made a real effort today haven't you? Loving the mascara, I might have to borrow that myself later.
So you're looking nice, and I'm looking nice. What better way to celebrate than going for a date at the cinema? What do you mean you're at work? God, I never liked you anyway. I tell you what, how about some old school cinema we can all enjoy right now. And when I say old school, I mean old school.
Feast on the joy that is Star Wars told through the medium of ASCII!
Thanks to Forum regular Timmah for the find
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Games just wouldn't be right without a little bit of realism, which is why it's always a good idea to go for walks around a game map searching for and collecting images of everyday objects. Everyday objects like toilets. Yes, that's right, somebody does collect images of toilets in computer games. Leg-end!
So continuing with the toilet theme, here's a game that has absolutely no relevance. Thank you very much.
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Don't mean to quote Chris (who?) Evans or anything but thank fuck it's Friday! If I have to stay in this shed for another minute past when I have to, my internal organs will melt and fall out of my arse so when I eat I'll automatically fill my pants with banana. Glad I got that off my chest.
Are you as bored as me? Have you got piles of work on your desk that can wait till Monday? Good, then join with me and twat people with big clubs. It's rather stress relieving and you can pretend that the characters are people you know. I'm pretending they're ALL my mum. TAKE THAT!! WHWACK!!
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Good morning my happy little Summer Burn friends. How's it all going? Have you got both your CDs yet? No? Well not to worry, I'm sure you'll receive them soon.
Have you sent out your burns yet? No? Well look out the window mate. See that big bright shiny thing in amongst all that blue? That's the sun! Which means it's Summer now, so it's about time you sent off your CDs. Somebody out there is having to walk to work without any tunes, sporting a rather sad frown and a little cloud over their heads. That's not a nice image now, is it?
Wait! You're telling me that you've not received an email about who to send your to? Well why haven't you told us? It's over 2 weeks since we started all that, so if you haven't heard from us yet, send us an email now.
One more thing. I'd like to point out that we did say not to contact us about non-received CDs before the 24th of July. So those of you who have and didn't receive a reply from us: we're not being rude, we're just doing exactly what we said we'd do.
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Well hello there Friday. You're looking positively gorgeous there this fine Summery morning, have you done something with your hair? Mmm... ravishing! Shall we go upstairs for some... "coffee"?
Oh hell, you lot are here too. I was just, er, uhh...
Anyway, here's that first Funjunkie Friday Game you've been banging on about for the past week.
Now where was I?
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We don't usually do serious on this web site, but after the events of the past eight hours it is only right that we should sway from tradition and express our deepest sympathy to all those people affected by todays bombings in London.
I have no clever quotes or words of wisdom, I just hope all those sick fuckers who believe they're doing right by their beliefs are met with a very different story on judgement day.
Stay strong and stay safe. Over and out.
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Forum nuisance (sorry, regular) BigDaddyMerk slipped a tenner into my back pocket to plug his new radio show. Or at least, I think it was a tenner… but it wasn’t really my back pocket, it was more central than that… anyway, here are some details for you:
We're broadcasting live to Wolverhampton on 87.7 ONE CITY FM. Show is called Maaca & Merkin - Late & Lewd, playing great new music, indie and 80's/90's classics.
We'll be playing Urine Breaks, a comp which involves peeing live on air, the longest pisser wins some toilet related prizes. We're trying to get most embarrassing thing you've done while drunk, a prize is up for grabs on that one too. Just general mayhem on the air till midnight.
You can listen live here. We also want callers/requests/dedications on 01902 572257 and emails to merk@wcr1350.co.uk
I can’t comment on whether they will in fact be playing ‘great’ music, but any radio show that gives out prizes to people who can urinate for a long time has got to be worth a listen. Possibly. Don’t quote me on that.
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ARRRRR! We be setting sail on the high seas for this week’s Little Friday Bandwagon. Adventure, excitement and danger await as we delve into the topic of Pirates, me hearties!
Here be a few to start you off:- Cabin Boyz II Men
- The Black Crowes Nest
- Long John Silversun
- ARRRR-Ha
- All Seeing Eye-Patch
- Faith No More parrots, this one squawks enough already!
Add yours in the comments below...
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Don't ask me why but we though it would be a good idea to talk about pants* at this juncture. Pants are one of those few objects that have an impressive number of names, and we like to use as many as possible. We can think of plenty of names, but we're always trying to expand our vocabulary, so we decided to get you all involved.
Here's a small part of our list:- Pants
- Duts
- Grits
- Trollies
- Keks
- Skids
- Shreddies
- Knickers
- Grunties
That'll do for the moment. Now it's your turn. Add them to the comments area...
*In the British meaning of the word. Not Trousers as in the US.
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Continuing on from yesterday's animation theme* we've decided to let you in on another little secret. Of course there's always the rather large possibility that you've discovered this so-called secret for yourselves, but a brief look at the Fununkie Visitor Demographics shows that the average reader has an IQ of less than 3, and the attention span of... ooh look! There's a cloud shaped like a kitten.
Having said that, the demographics have been known to be slightly innaccurate over the past 3 years. Our statistics still shows that 90% of our visitors have more than 3 legs.
I don't want to bore you with all those figures though, so why don't you go and watch Making Fiends while I check the calibration on my abacus.
*Was there an animation theme?
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This is poo.rusher sending an urgent message to Earth: Help exiled to Mars. STOP. Painfully shy can't mingle. STOP. Suspect they can't stand me. STOP.
Please send any information on breaking the ice. STOP. The last correspondence sent was hopeless. STOP.
Please post any useful ideas. STOP.
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Sometimes we have to post articles due to matters of life and death, which puts a little pressure on the editorial team. Today's forced posting comes as both an apology and a plea to those who're forcing us to write this.
Just a few minutes ago we received a ransom note made up of newspaper cuttings:
"Dear FJ Towers,
You seem to have made a heinous mistake. RE: that ninja game called N, you linked to an old, stolen, slow, online version of the brilliant game around today.
I demand you rescind this mistake by checking out
www.harveycartel.org and downloading the latest version of N. And telling your readers about it"
I think I can say on behalf of everyone here: We're sorry. Please just release the puppy unharmed!
Cheers Shaun.
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Don't you just love it when somebody inadvertently reminds you of something you'd long since forgotten about?
Obviously that's not good if you were trying to forget, but it's not like us to be diplomatic about these sorts of things. Tact has never been high up the Funjunkie protocol list.
Personally I'd forgotten about a classic set of animations called Big Bunny, which came to my attention when I noticed one of the Flickr photos on the right.
So thanks to Massdistraction, you now get to sit through a few minutes of mindless nonsense. It's exactly what you came here for, isn't it?
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I would like to give a warm welcome to our new guest editor, poo.rusher, but to be honest with you, I can't be arsed. So I'm afraid he's going to have to put up with a mildly tepid (bordering on bloody cold) welcome.
I'd also like to point out that the next post will be from him, but I suspect it probably won't, so I'll not bother.
This important message has been brought to you by PAP (People's Apathetic Productions).
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Hey kids, if you want to see the long term damage of smoking too many drugs, look no further than Snoop Doggy Dogg and his Live8 performance. He kept on asking the crowd what “his motherfucking name” was*. He was in such a sorry state that he completely forgot, just seconds after hearing the answer. His memory must be shot to shit. And then there’s the swearing too, he clearly didn’t realise where he was, because saying naughty words on live telly is neither big nor clever**.
So let that me a lesson to you. Gangstaz.
*Snooop Doggy Dogg?
**Take note, Madonna.
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Monster Trucks. You can't beat 'em. In fact I'd be willing to lay money on it. You just can't beat Monster Trucks, even if you have a really big beater thing with huge individual industrial pneumatic beaters all over it. They're that powerful!
So what could be better than a Funjunkie Friday Game with an unbeatable Monster Truck in it?
That's right! A Funjunkie Friday Game with a Yellow unbeatable Monster Truck in it! You can thank me later.
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Anyone who's read even just a little bit of English Literature knows that Oliver Twist was a twat.
"Please, sir, I want some more."
Yeah right. That little runt wanted the bloody Moon on a Stick! You give him an inch and he'll take a mile. So it's up to you to make sure that no more of his kind get away with it. Step this way and we'll issue you with your regulation stun gun.
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Everybody loves Ninjas. Even you love Ninjas, whether you like it or not. There'll be no non-loving of Ninjas around these parts, thank you very much.
That's why it's important for us to keep you topped up with your weekly dose of Ninjographication*, lest you run out of Ninjajuice or something like that.
Today's second Funjunkie Friday Game however, has absolutely nothing to do with Ninjas, unless of course you count that fact that it's all about a Ninja.
*It's in my dictionary**, so you can't complain.
**Written in orange crayon.
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Here at Funjunkie Towers, we're masters of making your wishes come true. It's in our nature to look after those fantasies* you've always had, and we try to do it as often as possible, just to keep you happy.
Fantasies like punching Paris Hilton in the face... you've wanted to do that for an awfully long time, haven't you?
*But not those fantasies.
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
