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The Adventure Game, with Uncle Aspidistra was without a doubt the best 'rubbish' game show on the tellybox in the early 80's. Which is nice. It also hasn't got anything to do with this game called Tilox, apart from the fact it vaguely resembles the Vortex end game.
I'm showing my age aren't I? Shall I get my coat?
I've got my coat. See you. Bye.
Bye.
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Here at UK Funjunkie Enterprises* there's been a lot of unrest during the last couple of months. Several of the upper management team have been sacked, and in a very literal sense of the word. Right now the dungeons in Funjunkie Towers are unable to take any more pri... volunteers.
The problems started when the director of The World Funjunkie Corporation, Reg, decided to make a few quid by selling a couple of his shares off. Turns out that FFS bought them and ended up as the majority shareholder, and therefore had the right to kick Reg out of his penthouse office and take over the helm herself.
Now she wants all of the subsidiary companies to start up new ventures like tourism, health spas, and flower arranging classes. So here we are now with our first Package Holiday on the market, and Badger Mushroom thinks it's a winner! So if any of you lot would like to sign up for our Coach tour of the Seven Wonders of Swindon, please send your cheques to the usual address. At £2499 per person, we think it's a bargain.
*We're not entirely sure why we kept the "UK" in the name after moving offshore... er, off-planet. The accountant told us it was better that way, and who wants to argue with an accountant?
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Hello!
No, we haven’t all gone on strike. We’ve just been trying to find the wombats after they escaped at the weekend. Taz left the kitchen window open to let a tempting pie cool for a few minutes, and the next thing you know, all hell breaks loose! Thankfully they’ve returned safely now, since they couldn’t find a decent place to kip. The hotel down the road didn’t even have a Corby trouser press in it for crying out loud, let alone one of those cool shoe cleaning whizzy-round things!
In return for your patience, you get a puzzle game containing frogs. Worth the wait, eh?
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Location: Roadmender, Northampton
Time: 10pm - 3am
DJ's: Badger, Hog & Mittens
Well, what are you waiting for? JUST BE THERE
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…and now for something completely different: a cute puppy game. Be warned, it most definitely does not contain spaceships, guns, ninjas or pterodactyls. In fact, it doesn’t contain any of the main ingredients that make a great game. It’s even in pastel colours for crying out loud.
Thinking about it, if you’re not a ‘cute puppy game’ type of person*, you may have more fun doing something like making a cup of tea.
Since you’re there, mine’s white, no sugar. Thanks.
*Which I hope you’re not, since you’re here at FJ
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It's alright, panic over, I've found my phone.
I'll let you guess where it was if you want
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As you may have read by now, Mr Poorusher is organising a Run What You Brung this coming Monday. But that’s not the only FJ related fun we have for you over the bank holiday weekend. On Saturday night, Badger Mushroom will once again be teaming up with his forum chums to bring you another exciting edition of Stern Radio. Then kicking off on Sunday at 1pm, as yet undisclosed Funjunkie DJ’s will be taking part in a Battle Royale.
So don’t say we never invite you to anything, because that’s three things now. Obviously, I’m probably going to stay on Mars by myself and look after the wombats. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. As a great band once sung.
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Elvis, the Robo-cat.
There, that's all I need to say about this really. Although, if that's all I do say about it, the rest of the space that I have here to write something is going to be pretty blank, so I suppose I should say a few words.
Robots, cool, innit?*
*I hope that'll do for you. If not, feel free to write in to our complaints department. Please remember that any complaints have to be made in triplicate, and writen in green biro, otherwise they may get confused with the kitchen roll.
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Run What You Brung. Bank Holiday Monday 29th August. 2PM. Bradlaugh Fields. The Famp
The rules: Either buy some form of wheeled transport for no more than £5
or fashion a vehicle in your workshop.
Photograph the event
No other rules.
Lets get gravel rash and write the week off. Yay!
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Well it's all good news and smiles in the FJ house this week! Reg got a promotion in the egg hatching factory, Badger Mushroom found himself a little lady badger after 12 years of watching repeats of Two Point Four Children by himself, I won the 'Miss Mars' semi-human pageant and Poo discovered that you can't actually fit a whole marrow in your mouth at once which pleased him immensely.
"Wow!" I hear you cry, but that's not all, oh no no no.....the BEST news of all comes from Taz & Curls who announced last week that there is going to be a new arrival in the FJ House!!! At my calculations the first baby FJ should be voicing it sometime around February (not that I've been listening at the bedroom door or anything). I personally can't wait as I've never seen a real human baby before, and just to show Taz & Curls that I'm a suitable baby sitting candidate I've been playing Sugar Crash ALL DAY. I got to level 3, do I qualify Mr Taz?
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Ah, Side Scrollers... there's nothing quite like them. Unless of course you count vertical scrolling games... they're a little like side scrolling games, only with more verticality and less horizontialitiness.
What about side scrolling helicopter games. There's nothing like side scrolling helicopter games now, is there? Although... the odd semi-vertical-bordering-on-a-slant scrolling helicopter game, but who cares about them?
Well we do, which is why we're not posting any games involving slightly off the horizontal, or wildly off the vertical scrolling helicopter games. Right now we're posting a side scroller, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.
Are you still here?
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Years and years and... ooh, I'd have to say years ago, Reg told you about a game called Dropkick The Faint. How excited we all must have been back then in the days of our youth.*
Evidently the game designers haven't had many ideas since, because they seem to be knocking out the same old stuff for other obscure bands. Still, it is rather amusing and addictive too, so fairplay to 'em.
*Those of us on the Funjunkie team would have been around 27 years of age. Just wee bairns.
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There's nothing like starting the pre-weekend how you mean to continue, and no better way than to slurf the day away with a bunch of Funjunkie Friday Games.
And it gets better! We're going to start you off with some Classic gold. Blood, guts and gore, with a few Sh*rks thrown in for good measure. Welcome back Jaws.
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Well hello there my little funjunkificationators. Are you all fit, well, happy and full of the joys of Spring?
No?
Why not?
Oh I see... it's Summer. Well aren't you the pedantic bugger? Next you'll be telling me that it's Little Friday and that I should be starting a Bandwagon or something. Tsk!
Okay, I've not done many of these, mainly because I have absolutely no imagination to speak of, and I'm also held back by great waves of apathy. However, today I've managed to think of a Bandwagon theme... shite though it may be.
Today's bandwagon is Things Nautical, and I'll start you off with my pathetic bunch.- Wet Wet Wet (Oh man, I'm so sorry!)
- Talking Heads
- Mary J Bilge Pump
- The Boomtown Rats
- The Waterbuoys
- Fathom No More
Okay, your turn...
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Dust off your top hats, shine your shoes and straighten your cravats; you're going to a World Premiere. The makers of Crazymum have decided the good readers of Funjunkie should be the first ever people to play their new Dance Dance Gabba Goat game.
You don't know how lucky you are to press such a brand new link, and to have the opportunity to place your name on such a virginal hi-score table. It's not everyday that Gabba Goats come knocking on your door. Well, I hope it's not, for your sake.
To the dancefloor!
Thanks Dr F
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Tomatoes? We like smashing them up around here. In fact, we even had a competition about it a while ago called the Great FJ Tomato Destructathon. That's how much we enjoy smashing those little fruits up.
We knew sooner or later our hobby would catch on, and now thanks to the power of the interweb, you can have a 'smashing time' while playing Domino Pressure.
The current office high score is 15. Put yours in the comment box.
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Dig out your string backed leather gloves – you're going driving! Beware, this is no ordinary spin in the countryside. Touch the sides of the course, and you’re going to blow up. It may be a shade unnecessarily harsh, but you’ve got to learn somehow.
While you’re out, swing by the garage and get a bag of charcoal. Hopefully the weather will be nice this weekend, and we can fire up the barbie. Oh, and a KitKat. Normal four bar, none of that chunky nonsense. Cheers.
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Cheers to Reg who's been holding the fort here on Funjunkie for the past two or three weeks. Curls and I have been driving around various counties, various countries, and in various forms of transport for the last 16 days, ending in a big party and an even bigger hangover.
On our travels we've visited lots of lovely places, mainly for the sole purpose of offloading a bit of excess weight. There's something about sitting in a car for hours that kicks the bladder into working overtime, which means lots of stops at service stations.
Anyone living in the UK will know what horrendous places our Motorway service stations are. Not only are there huge queues for the all important toilets, but then there's the food. Spend the best part of a tenner and you might get yourself half a slice of bread with a few tiny bits of yellow rubber and a couple of bits of lettuce that they probably found in last week's dustbin bag. Neither appetising or filling, but it'll sure as shit drain your wallet in no time.
Still, it's not all bad. You can always spend a few moments reading the graffiti covered door while dropping the kids off at the pool.
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The pitter-patter of tiny feet will soon be coming to FJ Towers. Taz & Curls have been doing some horizontal dancing, and now the ping pong table’s being moved into the basement so it can be turned into a nursey. I’m off to move into the shed and buy some ear plugs, but first of all, I’d just like to say congratulations to the happy couple. Surely with parentage like that, the poor blighter is going to end up with some freaky super-powers.
This may sound as if it’s off-topic and completely unrelated, but here’s a game called Monkey Poop Fight. You’ll see what I mean in springtime.
Good work, team!
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What’s that - it’s Thursday? Yeah, I know! It’s just that you’ve all been so good* this week, that you can have an ace game a day early! Thanks to Xavier, you can play Guess the Google. Go on, you might like it. He does, and so do I. Innit. Job's a goodun.
*OK, you haven’t been good at all, it just my fingers will be too fat to use a keyboard tomorrow**
**Who knows, that could be true if I get stung by a bee and have a horrible allergic reaction***
***Which hopefully won’t happen
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Here at FJ Towers, we get sack loads of mail every week from readers who want to come and join us on work experience. Unfortunately for them, we just don’t do that much work, so we can only accept a few of their kind offers.
However, we don’t want to discourage all the other eager young things, so we’ve developed a series of virtual experiences that regularly occur in the FJ offices. You can join them and see what it's like doing the 9 to 5 here on Mars. It’s all lazer eyes, angry penguins, and arguments with Spiderman.
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The 2005 Grand Final is this Friday night, so this week’s FJ Little Friday Bandwagon has been dedicated to that most aggravating of TV shows – Big Bother! It’s a tricky one, but let’s see if your brain is in gear this morning. Mine's not.
Here are a few to start you off:- Crowded House
- Aztec Cameras (all over the house)
- House of Pain
- Anthony & the Johnsons
- Faith No More of your stories please Eugene
Add yours in the comments below...
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I've just been given some amazing information, I want all of you to stop what you're doing and listen to me right now:
Captain 'Jack' Puberty is TWELVE today!!!
For those of you not in the know, Jack is the son of forum regular Frankie, and one of the most powerful users of The Force in the entire Galaxy. And so to the big man I say: Happy Birthday, and may the Force be with you
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It seems that more and more of the forum regulars are becoming artistically inclined these days. We all know Reg likes to do finger painting, and that Poo.rusher thinks he can put up his holiday snaps in the hope that someone will give him a million quid for them. Honestly. However, something did catch my eye this morning from Hog.
Now we don't usually help people out here at FJ Towers unless there's something in it for us*. It seems that our young Hog has the chance of winning $1500 due to some excellent camera skills on his part. So why don't we all give him a big hand by going here, clicking on the F-M link, and voting for one of the young scamps excellent pictures. Well go on, what are you waiting for?
*There's a bag of midget gems in it for me if he wins
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I haven't seen my portable telephone since Saturday. If anyone sees it on their travels, could you let me know in the comments box.
And yes, I have tried ringing it, but the battery has gone dead.
Thanks, you've been very helpful.
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Geek alert: I'm temporarily going to 'go a bit Eugene' on you. If you don't like video games, skip to the bottom now*.
I'm a big fan of custom video game controllers. If you're not up to speed with the world of peripherals, here's a quick recap.
One of my personal favourites has to the Sega Bass Fishing Rod (which handily doubled for a sword in Soul Calibur). The there's the Rez Trance-Vibrator which the ladies loved, for some strange reason that I just can't fathom. And of course more recently, there was the mighty Resident Evil 4 Chainsaw.
Now it's your chance to design the ultimate controller. I just knocked up a Cock 'n' Balls model... for no other reason that it had to be done.
*3,2,1 you're back in the room.
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After nearly four and a half years in operation, FJ can finally reveal it’s first ever Top Tip. It’s taken 300 wombats, 16 tons of Rich Tea biscuits and two wheelbarrow inner tubes to work it out, but I think you’ll agree, it’s been worth it. So mind blowing is this nugget of information, you’ll wonder how you ever survived without. Not only will it make your life more complete, but it will also make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and make you better at carpentry.
Once you read this, you will never have to stop at an unwanted floor in a lift ever again. Impressive, huh?
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There's not been much FJ Friday game action here today, sorry about that, it's entirely my fault. I locked the rest of the FJ team in the cellar with a bomb.
You may think that's a little harsh, but I prefer to think it as 'character building'. Hopefully at least one of them will be able to difuse the bomb in under 20 minutes, or I'm going to have to cook my own lunch, and how inconvenient would that be?
I suppose I could always get a pizza in. Then there's no washing up to do either. Actually, if I lock you in the cellar with them, I can take the rest of the afternoon off and play in the rain. See ya, no hard feelings, OK?
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You look nice today. There's something different about you. Is it a new shade of lipstick? No? Ah, it must be that big yellow helmet you're wearing!
That's a very wise accessory of choice for you this morning, seeing as you're just about to be sent off to a construction site. Today's first FJ Friday Game will have you shifting heavy blocks around. Don't panic, you're not going to do your back out.
Unless you fall off your wheelie chair.
Which is entirely possible, knowing you.
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And so we came, we saw, and we ate a shedload of crisps. Six mighty warriors including forum regulars Hog, mittens, O, and host lal battled their respective tastebuds in a gigantic potato-based war.
This was fifteen rounds of hard-core crisping. Each competitor had to dip into the unmarked bowl and give both the flavour and brand of the crisp. This meant that a total of 30 points were on offer, should our brave potato-based snackers pull full points from said bowls.
And so to the results. In equal third place, myself and O. In second place, Pat the crisp Warlord. But the winner, and overall Crisp Taster of Northampton 2005: LAL!!!! He Walkers right over us, and fried the competition.
Well done to all, twas a ferocious battle...
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You know Tron, right? He’s a busy man, destroying evil computer applications and so on, but even he has to take a break now and then. So what does a fella like him get up to with his time off?
Well, he plays golf. I know, it surprised me a bit too when I first heard, but it’s true. In fact, you can see the kind of courses he plays if you download this demo. It’s not something for those of you who want instant arcade gratification (you’ll have to wait for tomorrow’s FJ Game-a-thon), but if you’re allowed to install stuff on your computer, and fancy playing a round with up to three other chums in the office / class / prison cell, check it out. And if you bump into Tron, remind him about that fiver I lent him at the 19th hole last week.
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It must be ace being a Scientist. You get massive budgets for expensive bits of kit, then you lock yourself in labs to do 'research', and no one asks any questions.
This particular egghead wangled himself a high speed camera. I wonder what he was meant to be doing while he was dropping eggs onto mouse traps and punching people in the face? Who cares, when you can have a look at all his 'work' in Dr. Dave's Interesting High-speed (super slow motion) Video Clip Hall of Fame*.
*I wonder how long it took to come up with that snappy title?
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FJ can finally divulge the real reason why Big Bother’s Makosi doesn’t want to take her wig off. Our reliable mole at Channel 4 has sent us a copy of her original application photograph.
It reveals that she’s not at all worried about not washing her hair for 9 or so weeks, it because she’s got a secret sonic weapon under her barnet:
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You want some games?
You want some chocolate?
YOU WANT SOME MIDGETS?
You’ve got it. Five times over, with this Willy Wonka-fest. Just make sure you don’t spoil your appetite. Last time you over indulged, your Mum emailed in and gave us a right earful. Taz is still crying, and that was 68 days ago.
Happy Birthday Mr Ewano
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
