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Its Little Friday today, and Little Fridays aren't complete without a good bit of traditional old Funjunkie Band-Wagonning.
Today's Funjunkie Band Wagon:
Bands That Are Cheeses, Cheeses That Are Bands
Here's a few to start you off:- WensleyDick Dale
- Eminemental (obviously)
- Mozarella Fitzgerald
- Ricotta Astley
- Gouda Charlotte
- Cheddarius Danesh
- Billy Monteray Cyrus
- Camembert Bacherach
- Faith No More Vacherin please.
I defy you to get over 50 on this one. Add yours in the comments for this post.
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Hey you! Yea, YOU!
Look at you there, dribbling out of the corner of your mouth and scratching your head. You've not got a single clue what any of these words you're 'reading' mean do you?
God you're thick.
Luckily for you, science boffins, captured from Earth and shackled to the walls of the FJ Towers' dungeons have come up with some awesome technology to help you understand what exactly it is I'm saying.
Go and use it, learn some language, and then come back. Only try to avoid dribbling on the wombat - it's allergic to goon-juice and easily angered.
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Just as I was stepping off the bus, the driver chirps up with this pearl of wisdom:
"No wonder the Titanic sank mate, if they were all as miserable as you lot!"
My snappy response was Hmmm.
Please help me come up with some better replies in the comments box for the next time I see him.
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Is it me, or is every day a designated International something-or-other day? Take September for example. Just recently we've had International Talk Like A Pirate Day, International Literacy Day, International Day of Peace, and so on and so forth.
The problem is that we spend so much time thinking about the issues raised on these special days, that we forget about the real meaning of the day. I mean tomorrow is Friday, right? Who cares if it's also International Smell like a Cabbage Day? Nobody is interested if some eejit has decided that it should be known as International Shave Your Nipple Hair Day*.
So I propose we give a day back. I propose that tomorrow, the 1st of October, will now forever be known as:
Indernational International Day Day
Reg is currently designing the cards for you to buy, and the badges for you to wear with pride. Go out and spread the word, and if you wouldn't mind sending us some money...
*Apart from Badger, who's sharpening the razors as I write this.
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There have been a few changes in FJ Towers since the new girls have arrived. For example, we've had to start emptying the bins instead of waiting for the rubbish to evolve legs and walk out by itself.
FFS has also christened Wednesdays 'Downhill Day'. I don't think it's anything to do with actual inclines, but something more otherwordly. To celebrate this renaming of the day before Little Friday, here's a game. It's the first ever Downhill Day game (FJ DHDG 001), and by the looks of it, maybe the last.
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Swimming is a dangerous game. If you're not busy clocking up how long it was before you last ate a pork pie, terrified of getting one of those cramps you never see people suffering from in a swimming pool, then you're busy catching one of the many tropical diseases that apparently inhabit the water. Fear not. With disease top trumps you can learn how to avoid such menaces and have fun too!
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Now its well known in the entertainment industry that if you need some cosmetic surgery done, perhaps to correct a bumpy nose, or for some breast augmentation etc, then you should seek our Dr. Wild KSc, HgDip, MNLop - cosmetic surgeon to the stars (residing at FJ Towers, Mars).
Ok, ok so I'm not cheap, but I'll have you know that I'm personally responsible for the removal of Christina Aguilera's big leathery wings that were hindering her career as a pop starlet. And what about Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, it may surprise you to know that beneath her flawless skin and shapely figure beat the heart and intestines of a common pond-eel! Yes, poor Gwyneth was half eel until she came to me for corrective surgery. Now she's arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world.
But despite my being the best in the business, even I was shocked when Alicia Keys came to me to have some work done. Why, I'd never known about her sideline career as a top assassin until then and some of the weapon modifications she asked me to perform were state of the art, cutting edge technology. Course I had my reservations but she *did* pay top, top dollar. I couldn't refuse.
No bones about it, if you've upset someone recently, you REALLY don't need the Keysmeister on your tail.
Alicia Keys pre-empts some unruly audience members, yesterday.
Utterly lethal.
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It's a well known fact that we like a bit of Tom Baker around here. For all intents and purposes, he's the British Hasselhoff.
So Tom is cool; he has foxy sidekicks; his foxy sidekicks play with yoyos. Does this mean that by association, yoyos are cool?
They are if you're this good at using them.
Thanks Sickboy
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Well, the competition is really starting to hot up now! Our latest entry comes from Forum regular Fat Merecat, who gives us not one but three pictures of his cheesy bonsai:
Click to enlargify
Click here and right here to see FM's other pics. It's a cracking little entry, and impressed the judges no end. His score of 346,473.002 puts him in second place, with Dr. Poppyjuice narrowly holding onto the lead.
You reckon you can do any better? Well get on it and send us your snaps!
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You know, children can be so naughty sometimes. There they go, stealing the last cookie from the jar, telling tales on their siblings, not washing behind their ears, invading oil-rich countries in illegal wars... ah, kids!
Well one clever American family have solved the problem of problem children by raising the best behaved cabbage patch doll in the world. Sweet.
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I got up early this morning, with the sole intention of making sure I got a bowl of coco-pops before those 'A' team gannetts scoffed them all*. I snuck downstairs, making sure not to wake any of them, or the wombat for that matter. All was going to plan...
I walk into the kitchen, and what do I find? Wild slumped at the breakfast bar, asleep in a pile of plasticine. Apparently he'd been up all night trying to mould one of the fight scenes from his new favourite movie of the moment, Hero.
Personally, plasticine gives me the fear. I used to watch Morph as a kid, and always had the feeling that Chaz was a plasticine Devil Incarnate. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. Personally, I'd like to pick off the little swines one by one, sniper-style. Thanks to Dr. Poppyjuice for the tip off.
* I never did get those coco-pops, bugger.
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Congratulations to Theo Jansen for creating the most bonkers transport solution we've seen since all year. We've already put in an order for six of his Animaris Rhinoceros Transports which are ideally suited to crossing the dusty expanses of Mars.
I'm going to tricking mine out with a couple of extra spoilers and some neon strips underneath. Oh, and a rather large stereo. I might paint it orange too. With crappy tribal markings all over it.
Make sure you watch the video.
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Lal has decided that last place is for losers, and had another crack at the Great Funjunkie Cheese in Trees Competition.
Click to make big
His second effort has earned him 249,140 out of 600,000, bringing him into current third place. So far the pattern of the scoring is thus:
We have since fed this data into the wonderous FJ number crunching machine (the one that forecast that England would win the 1996 World Cup). It has predicted the scores of the next few competition entries, but for some reason I think Wild has tampered with the graph paper.
If you think you can do better, send us your picture!
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Being the hygienic and deliciously smelling man that I am, I was just about to climb into the shower when I noticed that there wasn't any shower gel left in the bottle.
Now, I'm an easy going fella, but when there's no way to turn stinky Wild into mmm-sniff-fresh Wild then I get a little perturbed.
I searched high and low all over the rooms of FJ Towers trying to find some substance that could de-stink me. Stopping just short of the clothes washing liquid I came across a bottle of Lemon handwash in one of the toilets.
"Hmm," I mused. "I wonder..."
And so it was that I showered with Lemon-scented handwash and the internal dialogue started up:
Irrational Wild (IW) - I'm a bit worried about this.
Rational Wild (RW) - listen, its exactly the same stuff, just marketed differently. Its smells lemony - its nice!
IW - But... its designed for hands!
RW - And.....?
IW - ..and I'm a bit scared about the fact that I've got something designed for hands down my arse crack instead.
RW - ...
IW - Just think about it! It can't be right!
RW - Oh my god. You're serious.
IW - Damn right. What if I grow a hand down there?
RW - WHAT?!!
IW - It *might* happen.
RW - You're seriously weird.
IW - Mind you, it would make having a poo easier...
RW - I'm not talking to you anymore. You scare me.
IW - ...it'd be one hell of a superpower...
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Well, I know it's beyond the call of duty, but I'm sacrificing my morning to a greater cause when I bring you a Funjunkie Friday game... on a Saturday. That's right kids. This Saturday morning you really can turn off your television set and do something less boring instead. * Not only that but you can simultaneously improve your chances in the great cheese competition. How's that for service?**
*Actually I lied. Never has there been a duller puzzle.
**Crap.
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I don't usually post games, I prefer to whinge about bad TV and sell peoples underwear but I felt sorry for little Reggio playing on his own (as usual) so I thought I'd join in.
Not only do I not post games I don't play them either but seeing as I was posting it I thought I'd better see if it was any good and I must say it's rather addictive AND I'm quite good at it........... OK I'm not, but it's still fun.
So why not brighten up your lunch hour with a little Crazy Golf 2.
UPDATE: Taz has now decided to get out of bed and play with Reg and I. YEAY!
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2 hours in the shower and I still haven't managed to get the cobwebs out of my hair*... that's what happens when some bastard locks you in the cellar all night.
Still, mustn't grumble.
I have been reliably informed that today is Friday, although the last time I was reliably informed something by FFS, we both turned up to a black tie event wearing a horse costume, and worse still, I was in the arse end. All of which is staggeringly not dissimilar to the game I'm about to show you... but you've got to say please.
...come on.
...I'm waiting.
Well bollocks to you then! You know, a little bit of manners wouldn't hurt every now and again. Oh well, give yourself a well earned break and shoot a few regurgitating aliens for a couple of minutes.
*Which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I don't have any hair.
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I get the hint that you were all spectacularly underwhelmed by the first FJFG of the day, I'll let Taz out of the cellar in a minute. But first, please give me a chance to redeem myself with Zizzo Challenge.
Fine. I'm going to the cellar. The keys are in my pocket. See if I care. All I wanted to do was make sure I could post the first game. You ungrateful lot.
*sniff*
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Well well well, what do you know? Taz hasn't got up at the crack of dawn to beat us all to posting the first Friday Game. He must be hungover or something. Or maybe because I locked him in the basement all night!!!
He'll be mightily upset that I get to post this amazing game before he's unshackled.
Post your high scores in the comments box.
If you want, it's not compulsory
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There's mixed emotion in FJ Towers this morning. On one hand, it's Friday (woo!), but on the other hand, it's 34 years, 6 days, a couple of hours and probably a few minutes since Jimi Hendrix died (boo!).
But we're not going to let this sadden our crisp but sunny morning, no. We're going to celebrate the life and work of Jimi by doing a Cross Town Traffic inspired bandwagon!
I've got a few to start you off, add yours in the comments for this post.- Kings Of Leon* (obviously)
- Bentley Rythym Ace (obviously)
- Rose Royce
- Micra Jackson
- Ka-Ha
- Toyota Wilcox
- Liberty AX
- The Datsuns (obviously)
- Green Daewoo (how I laughed at that!)
- Booker T and the MG’s
- Nissan-tana
- Orion Adams
- Motorhead (obviously)
- Faith Renault More
*It's a type of Seat
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Imagine the size of space.
No, hang on, we can do our heads in more than that...
Imagine what space is expanding into.
Hmm, no, my brain hasn't exploded yet.. Hmmmmmmm
I know! Imagine a never-ending line of cats watching each other, stretching into infinity, always looking, watching, observing..
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Infinity Cat Project, publishing photos of cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats watching cats.....
Cheers Fishbucket
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Our new staff are still a bit green around the gills, so we have decided to hire them some bodyguards until they can properly fend for themselves. We put an ad for ninjas in the local cornershop window, and had an overwhelming response.
Ninjas came from far and wide with the promise of the chance of being a FJ bodyguard. Some were highly skilled, some were not. I selected this stunning ninja to help the ladies, and then hand picked this bad boy to tag along with Badger Mushroom.
The new kids are feeling safer already.
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Don't worry, you can stop panicking. My camera has been found.
Thanks for all the help and support.
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Well shove me off a cliff in nowt but a barrel of grapes, due to the server move and issues of last week we never had a Band Wagon!
This is a serious and dire thing indeed. A week without a lame Band Wagon is a week to be wrapped in the strongest chains imaginable and shoved in a dark room in the deepest recesses of the mind to be forgotten about forever.
So, let's fix this abomination with this week's Funjunkie Band Wagon:
Birds that are bands, Bands that are birds.
I've got a few to start you off, add yours in the comments for this post.- The Eagles (obviously)
- Hawkwind (obviously)
- The Byrds (obviously)
- The Housemartins (obviously)
- th(Rush)
- Gill Scot-Heron
- Mark O-wren
- Chris R(h)ea
- Zwan
- The Eagles of Death Metal
- Incubustrich (sorry)
- Love (bird)
- Tern Tern Out (ha!)
- Faith No More Birdseed please, thanks.
This one's harder than it looks. I'm not expecting this one to beat the 100-odd comments of previous band-wagons we've had, but lets give it a shot shall we?
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Back in the late 50's, comedy shows starring Ken Dodd started to be broadcast in Japan. Unexpectedly, the audience reaction was very hostile. In fact it was so bad, that everytime one of his programs was aired, whole families would start hitting each other with long pieces of bamboo until the show was over.
Things got to such a point that even when the series finished, people would start fighting with sticks at the precise time that the show would have been aired*. Soon, long and intricate fights started to emerge, and a new martial art was born - Ken Do.
You can join in the fun too, with this ant version. Yes, ants. As in "Adam and the..."
*Something to do with meringues, I think.
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Yes they're flying in thick and fast like the Beckhams private jet landing in Heathrow and what a lovely landing it was. Whilst wading through the ridiculous amounts of credit card offers, cheap software and Alabama Priests asking me to hoard $1000,000.00 in my bank account I found this delightful Cheese In Trees competition entry hiding in my inbox from our relatively new forum member Dr.Poppyjuice.
(Click for big version)
This one is my personal favourite so far mainly because of the cutsie wutsie wittle kitty sniffing Dr.Poppyjuices cheese, aawwwwwwww.
I am also very pleased to announce that after muchos judge deliberation (ahem) Dr.Poppyjuice is now in the lead with a staggering 350,801 points! Bravo Dr.P.
Fancy your chances ? Get em in!
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Its been a good day for cheese in arboreal locations.
Yes, the masses of the world are starting to wake up to the fact that we need more cheese in trees to make the world a happier and safer place for all.
The pagan spirits would be glad of our efforts, and glad also of this entry by Lois into our quite stunning Cheese In Trees competition.
Cheese String climbing back into the mothership, yesterday.
(Um click make um big.)
The judges really enjoyed this entry. Ok, so its not a tree in the pic, but that's more than made up for by the modern cheese technology employed here in the form of Cheese String. Nice. A total of 294,871 out of 600,000 puts her straight into first place!
But are you gonna let Lois steal the grand prize of £20 worth of cheese delivered to your home straight form under your nose?
Hell no! Send us your entry TODAY!
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We were all sorry to hear that Russ Meyer had kicked the bucket at the weekend. There was a lot of mixed emotion at the wake:
 An emotional Taz, Busty Belinda, Reg
Wild kept popping to the loo.
Ex-bongo-flick-pioneer-man, rest in peace!
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Forum regular lal, who famously came last in this year's FJ Follower of the Year competition, looks to continue his record:
lal's Cheese in Tree entry - clicky to make biggy
At least the boy has entered though, and will be the proud owner of one of our shiny new FJ badges very soon.
The official score out of 600,000 will be posted later when the 'lazy judges' wake up.
UPDATE: The scores are now in, and lal has achieved 88,139 out of 600,000. This leaves him 61,502.12 behind Merk, but still in the enviable second place slot. Unsuprisingly.
UPDATE update: 19,093 went "missing" from Curls' points, bringing lal up to the more palatable 107,232. Still last though.
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Today is the Autumn Equinox; summer is officially over. I'm already feeling the effects, with a bin full of snotty tissues behind me and a desk full of extra-plus-flu-strength cold killing drugs in front of me.
To combat the upcoming autumnal weather, and the risk of sniffles that it brings, I suggest a pre-emptive strike with a boost in vitamins through fruit and veg.
There's no medical proof that vitamins will help you fight illness, but they sure do have some great side-effects. I recently ate some peas and I felt aggressive in the morning. I swapped over to watermelons, and that had the opposite effect. I'm now just sticking to Vitamin C tablets. They're much safer.
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If you hadn't worked it out by now, everyone here at FJ Towers is a bit of a Tom Baker fan. What's not to like about him; the rugged good looks, thick curly hair, cutting wit. Why not 5 minutes ago Reg remarked that he thinks big Tom is the British Hasselhoff, a monicker that shows his true stature in the World today.
Now we all know the new Doctor Who is to be Christopher Ecclestone, but up until now Tom has kept quiet about his thoughts on this choice. That was until I was flipping through the Sun today. It turns out Tom thinks Chris' stance of taking the role seriously isn't the best:
"Get your head out of your fat bottom"
Cutting words indeed. Personally I think my interpretation of the good Doctor would have pleased Tom down to the ground.
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After continual late night wombat attacks, going to sleep at FJ Towers has become a nightmarish event. Taz has taken to sleeping on a li-lo in the pool (as wombats are scared of water). Wild has gone for the option of drinking loads of gin to calm his nerves, then smashing the glass bottles on the floor around him. It's just a shame that he does this at about 10.30 in the morning, rather than at night, when the wombats attack.
I have rigged a stack of tin plates above my door to act as an alarm, and purchased one of these little beauties. It's just a shame that I keep knocking bedside lamp off when I put it into action...
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I think I dropped my camera in the street.
Has anyone seen it?
UPDATE 22.09.04: It's still lost.
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Q. What goes up and down a lot?
No, not Wild's pants*, although they do too. OK.
Q. What goes up and down a lot, apart from Wild's pants?
OK wiseguy, apart from the FJ server as well.
Q. What goes up and down a lot, apart from Wild's pants, and the FJ server?
Yes, that's right, a football.
*I would have said FFS's pants, but I'm more scared of her
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Good day me hearties, have thee swabbed the deck afore slurfing upon these fine seas? No? What about your pieces of eight, are they locked up nice and safe in your treasure chest? I bet you don't even have a proper pirate name, do you?
Now we've sorted out a name for you, how's about helping my old friend Redbeard* on his gold hunt? You know you want to.
* If I really had an old friend called Redbeard, do you think I'd share him with you?**
** You're right, I wouldn't
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Oh dear.
Judging by the number of (quite insulting) emails we've been receiving over the past couple of hours, it would appear that one of you* is a bit fed up with the lack of posts.
I feel your pain. You wake up thinking Yippee!** It's Friday again!, and then what happens? Well, approximately naff all, that's what. I blame it on the B Team. They're a lazy bunch... never posting games and whining on about the fact that they have to do w... ww... w.o.... wer... wuuur... oh whatever the hell you call it!
You're right to grumble, especially when the only games we've got for you involve big guns, lots of violence and loud bangs. Wait, that can't be right. What the hell are you compaining about?
*I won't mention any names, but you know who you are your Majesty.
**Yes that's right... "Yippee". Don't try to deny it, we've all heard you.
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Hey You! Stai manzo! (stay beef)
oggi nun è aria (today its not air), nun c'è trippa pe' gatti (there isn't tripe for cats), c'ho le gambe che me fanno giacomo giacomo (I've my legs that are doing James James)
Fancy speaking like a complete Italian village idiot?
You need part one of new LinguaSpaz, the language learning cassettes for berks.
All the phrases and idioms YOU need for a successful holiday in Italy.
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We've had our first entry into our MEGA Cheese In Trees competition! Like Lightning, BigDaddyMerk sent us this entry, which despite not being particulary in the spirit of the competition, still made us laugh:
BigDaddyMerk's 'Cheese' in 'Tree' entry - clicky to make biggy
Well, it *is* cheese, and despite it not being in a tree, it *is* a cheese plant (botanists need not bother correcting us, thanks) - and the judges have awarded him 149641.12 points out of a possible 600,000 available.
This puts BigDaddyMerk in the lead and a shot at the grand prize of £20 worth of cheese!
Don't let him get away with it! Send us your entry!
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And the prize for the first FFG of the week goes to...
Taz, again!
Yes, that's right kids. I've set my alarm early again just so that I can be teacher's pet and get the first FFG online before the rabble turn up. Badger is still in bed with his face on last night's pizza, a line of viscose dribble oozing from the side of his open mouth.
Wild and Reg are currently fighting outside the bathroom for the right to take the next shower. It's a pointless effort because FFS has only been in there for 30 minutes, and judging by usual standards she'll be another 2 hours.
And what about Curls? Well she's got her name on the rota for picking up the milk this morning, which gets left at the gate by the milk man. It wouldn't be a problem but our drive is over 2 miles long, and the garage drawbridge is still jammed after the wombat got into the lifting mechanism.
So here it is. The first FFG of the week, and I can hear you growling "It had better be a good one"...
Fortunately it is.
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Our series one FJ badges ran out aaaaages ago. The only way (for the time being) to get your hands on a spankingly shiny new series two badge is to enter our new competition.
And then we'll only give you one if your photo is good enough.
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Cheese, trees.
Both are brilliant. Cheese is fun to eat, trees are great to climb and fall out of.
The problem is, we here at Funjunkie are constantly upset at how little press exposure cheese IN trees gets. Its criminal. Our forefathers used to cherish the simple activity of harvesting cheese from the trees and there simply isn't ANYONE covering this important topic in this day and age.
Leave it up to us, we're the professionals. We're gonna bring Cheese in Trees back to the world's eye and we need YOUR help to do it!
We're running a competition where YOU could WIN £20 worth of cheese. That's right, £20 worth of cheese delivered to YOUR door!
So what do you need to do?
Its simple. Take a photo of some cheese in a tree, pay careful attention to the method of attachment, send it to us. The winner of the best photo wins £20 worth of cheese, and the runners up can win FJ Mugs and badges!
Here are some examples of your favourite FJ editors practicing the ancient art, yesterday: (click to make big) 
 
Send your entry into our competition address.
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FJ health warning: It may be getting dark earlier in the evenings, and the days might be getting colder, but think.
These kind of conditions often lead to snuggling up on the sofa, and snuggling up on the sofa often leads to BABIES. Look at you, you're too young to have kids; and just think about the cost! Nappies are at least £78.20 each nowadays, and babies don't even care if they soil them two minutes after you've put them on. They're just selfish.
What you need to do is to get yourself a Tamaboy. Hopefully this will make you realise that looking after someone is hard work. Even if they're not real. Now, put on a jumper, and go for a brisk walk. Preferably to the pub.
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Hooray, we're finally up and running again! You would have thought with a few days off, we'd flood the front page with all the quality content that we'd had the chance to find, but no. The only thing that we can offer you is a lame smurf name generator.
Only kidding. We've got a nice little post-it note game for you as well.
But that's it.
Sorry
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It's not often that our team of hard nosed* reporters get all politically correct on you, but today we thought we'd make an exception.
Every day our postbag is full** of letters from readers and fans of Funjunkie, expressing thier appretiation of our efforts, expressing their rather more fixated appretiation of FFS's foxy photo, or asking us to cover a story for them. Normally we have to decline, but today's mail held the news of a sinister practice going on behind the closed doors of your*** neighbourhood!
I'm talking about cruelty to innocents. I'm talking about the mindless violence inflicted upon those who are too weak to fight back. I'm talking about people who ruin the lives of hundreds of others to serve their own.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please spare a thought for the millions of victims who live among us... victims of vegetable cruelty.
*Badger and FFS recently both broke their noses in a headbutting duel. I'm told that the casts should come off next week.
**It's a very small bag.
***Not ours, no. We're far more civilised here on Mars.
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Sorry its quiet around here - we're in the middle of a site relocation and it takes ages for the rocket to bring the server up to Mars all the way from Earth. Its all the fan mail you see, its slowing it down.
Meanwhile, why not amuse yourselves with some footage I took at this year's UK Air Guitar Championships on Sunday night?
You download the Windows Media Player version: UK Air Guitar Championships 2004 (12Mb)
or a straight MPG version: UK Air Guitar Championships 2004 (40Mb)
Farmer John is ace. A worthy winner.
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Well, we've made it through to the other side.
The server we're on is having a few problems at the moment, but once Reg has managed to tempt the wombat out of the machinery with a fresh bucket of severed arms then I reckon we'll be back to normal.
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Artists. what a bunch of lords - swanking around with bottles of absinthe and soft-waxed moustachios, and always clutching their beloved tattered sketchbooks. They'll constantly doodle in them, being all 'arty' and 'wacky'.
Will they let you look at them though? Will they arse. Precocious lot. *
Well, that's apart from Kevin Cornell. He's completely ace, cos he's put the whole thing up for you to gawp at, and he's great as well.
When you're done with that - go look at his other work, he's pie and a half.
* Reg is one of these poncey fools. He also carries a sketchbook around with him, although he usually uses its pages in place of toilet roll it has to be said.
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What's your ideal job? Let us know in the comments box. It was remarkably correct with the FJ staff:
Wild, Your ideal job is a Dietician*
Taz, Your ideal job is a Nursery Teacher.
Badger Mushroom, Your ideal job is a Gigolo.
Fuck Fluffy Sally, Your ideal job is a President.
Curls, Your ideal job is a Anything where you can kiss ass.
Reg, Your ideal job is a Street Sweeper.
*He's always talking about food
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Beeeee-Bop a Biddle-Bop...
What?
Oh, sorry. I thought you said "do you want a game of Scatman". My fault. Slapman? A game where you have to slap a man, as fast as you can? Go on then.
p.s. Full Screen Warning
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If I were a rich man*, I'd buy you all a copy of Burnout 3: Takedown which comes out today. But I'm not, so you'll have to settle for second best.
Even though it's second best, it's still the first best game you'll play here at FJ all day; maybe all month. And it doesn't cost me a penny. Which is nice. It doesn't have a spectacular crash mode like BO3, but that's because it's a puzzle game rather than an 'aggressive street racing game'. So it's not really that great to compare them. So I'll stop doing it, and just let you get on with playing it.
Or will I?
Yeah, I suppose so. Since you made the effort to visit us.
*Daidle deedle daidle
Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum
If I were a wealthy man.
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Well, its Friday. Phew, what a week its been! I've had to design and blueprint some new models of robot ninja monkeys*, make a trip to Halfords to buy a new car battery to power my Earth-destructor ray, and I had to pull the wings of a few million flies**, and burn some earthworms***.
Finally, my intray is clear. I can look forward to a relaxing weekend tinkering with the other designs that are currently on the backburner, and you, yes YOU are offered an ultra-rare glimpse into the sort of creatures I'll be unleashing on your unsuspecting planet over the next few years to come.
The first of these is the terrifying Jersey Devil - crap name I grant you, but you tell it that.
Then we have the Gévaudan - evil personified, but quite loyal and nice to snuggle up to on a cold winter's evening.
But my personal favourite, and the one I have the highest hopes for, is the deliciously named Allghoi Khorkhoi - oh, you'll love this one. Even its victims have remarked upon its sheer evil perfection. I'm very proud.
* I've added rotor blades to the new generation.
** I've got blisters on my thumbs now.
*** Don't bother phoning the RSPCA, they were asking for it, the muddy cretins.
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It's been a busy morning here at Funjunkie Towers, due to the usual mountain of post which we have to get through over a cup of coffee and a slice of toast WITHOUT MARMITE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Among several thousand credit card application forms, we had a number* of items of fanmail, which is not uncommon. Several of our more observant readers were quick to point out that today is Friday**, and as such we should get off our arses and sort out the Funjunkie Friday Games.
Well aren't you the clever buggers? You sitting there all wrapped up in your cosy little homes, dictating our daily weblog struggle as if you've paid for it. Do you know how hard it is to be a Funjunkie editor? Do you? Yes? Well okay then.
Here's some sort of beach ball vs Pacman game that represents the struggle between the forces of good and weevils. The acting is supreme and there's a bitter but triumphant ending to what must be the game of... well, at least the last 30 seconds.
*Zero is a number.
**This happens to be rather a large coincidence as we live on Mars. Due to the delays between the UK and interplanetary postal services***, these letters got to us about 6 months after they were sent.
***"Service", my arse!****
****Not to be confused with "service my arse", there's a comma... that's important.
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We've just (literally in the last 3 minutes) had a visitor to the site from Google whilst searching for the term Piss Fish.
Now in an ideal world, I know that they'd be searching for information on the quite hideously painful Candiru fish, well reknowned for its ability to swim up the stream of any human pissing in the river, and spike itself into the internal genital flesh of said victim, causing excrucitating agony. This would be a noble search, a quest for legitimate information on quite a scary parasitic lifeform.
And what did we serve them up?
That's right, you guessed it, 3-eyed mutant fish and piss poodles.
Funjunkie - helping the web since 1982.
Glad to be of service.
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Hi, I'm Evergreen. Nah, nothing to do with Will Young or non-deciduous trees, the colour.
Every day of the year has a colour, and my birthday's Evergreen. It's better than bogey-green like yours I suppose. Find out* what yours is, and let us know in the comments box. Then we can start ordering everyone into a rainbow formation. Ah, lovely.
*Warning: FULL SCREEN
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So there's this brainy fella (supposedly) right, and what he does is he sits around all day with a great big giant throbbing head and he comes up with clever stuff.
Like the idea to build an equivalent of Noah's Ark but with DNA instead of zebras, up on the Moon. His thinking being that if we wipe ourselves out then we can start again.
Well, Mr. Brainpants, you've not really thought this through, have you?
If the world was destroyed, then *if* you survived, you definitely wouldn't have the means or know-how to take some DNA and grow a penguin out of it. Besides, growing a penguin is only going to amuse you for about a day until it poos on your shoes and starts up with the whole boring "I want some fish" routine. God. They don't half go on.
why not actually put your supposed intelligence to something useful? Like a Noah's Ark of Booze instead? Take all different types of booze in the world and send them up in a rocket to the moon*, where they'll stay nice and frosty for future consumption.
Imagine being the only being left on a planet? Terrifying thought, isn't it?
Now imagine being the only being left on the planet, and drunk! Hilarious fun! Drink enough and you'd be able to see imaginary other people anyway, without all that boring science nonsense and rigmarole.
I should have his job. I have much better ideas.
* Or Mars. Mars is a much better place to store it. I'm thirsty.
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It's been a good few days since I moved into FJ Towers, and to be honest I'm finding it a bit lonely. Granted, we do have a fine set of glibbons up here in the guise of Reg, Taz and Wild, but I'm after some laydee action. Curls shacked up with Taz within minutes, and F*ck Fluffy Sally is just plain scary.
The only viable option I can see is to become a pimp. You get to wear cool threads, do some jive talkin', and have as many girls as can fit on your arms. All I need to do now is get my Pimping Licence, and I'm up and running.
Mars Pimping Agency, talk about cornering the market.
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We're in trouble.
Wombats, as you well know by now, are evil and not to be trusted. When we moved to Mars, we took the ultimate sacrifice for the benefit of humanity by taking the final wombat on Earth with us.
And thus, whilst we had to put up with the daily death, maiming and destruction caused by the beast, Earth prospered in peace and harmony for a time.
But all things must come to an end, and a creature such as The Wombat is a devious animal. Somehow, it managed to gain access to my underground laboratory and figured out how to clone itself and send its new minions back to Earth to begin ultimate world domination down there amongst the rest of you.*
The sightings have begun in Japan. Act now you fools! The menace must be wiped out before it spreads across the globe!
* Curse that mammal! The Domination of Earth is something I've been working on for years, and it took it only an afternoon to put a realistic plan into action. God I hate The Wombat. I wish Taz had never won it at the Hoopla stand at the Fair now.
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We're downsizing our portfolio of holiday homes on earth to free up some funds for new Martian ventures at the moment. We're planning on opening the first waterpark on Mars, and that huge iceberg from Antarctica is going to cost a lot to be airlifted out here. We would do it oursleves, but the space-moped is bust after an unfortunate late night accident while going to the petrol station for crisps.
If you've got a couple of million and fancy taking over the reins of one of our former abodes in California, take a look around. Just beware of the dogs. They've been fending for themselves for the last 6 months, and they've gone a bit feral. Check out the lawn in picture 3.
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Ever since Naam I've worn a rabbit's foot on a chain around my neck. It's not a lucky charm, it's a reminder.
You see, at around about the same time that Wild was running special ops in Kop Mai, I was involved in a wash of urban jungle battles with the local wildlife in Newcastle*. We were overrun with bunnies, all of which had an appetite for small children.
But there was also a dark side to the bunnies. Apart from reducing the local scally population, they also had a penchant for stealing hats from the area's only hat shop. Hat stocks were reduced to near-disasterous levels, and the locals were forced to attend weddings and horse racing events wearing anything they could find in the house. Soon the ladies were having to wear the same hat twice! Men were forced to fashion hats out of meat... nobody was safe.
A crisis meeting was called, and all the residents gathered at the PoW pub up on the west road. The next day, another meeting was called at the park so that we could actually get something done... those of use who were involved in the cull would forever wear the thousand yard stare. Our bunny's feet and hats we wear as a warning from history.
*Naam = Fenham.
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Instead of "Kee-Kar-Koop-a-Kop", Transformers are now going "Scrinch-Scrunch-Scronch-a-Rustle".
Why?
They're not Robots in disguise any more, they're Origami in disguise.
Coming to an A4 piece of paper near to you soon. Maybe.
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A conversation I didn't have this morning:
-You, driving the BMW
-Me?
-Yes you. You paid too much.
-What?
-You paid too much and your soul is soiled.
-You are right. I have failed but will repent.
-Go and hug a hippo.
-I will make sure I do.
-Before midnight.
-Of course. Sorry.
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Scarecrows are lazy buggers. All they do is sit around in fields all day. When they finally do get round to doing the job they're hired for (scaring off crows), they get all moody about it too, as if it's a real chore.
You really can't please some people. I bet they dream of becoming statues in idylic parks on the rive gauche in Paris. Even then they'd have to put up with French pigeons pooping all over them, and everyone knows what a bitch they are.
And urinating French kids. They're always a pest. I bet you don't often get them widdling up you if you're in a field in the middle of nowhere. Rather than in an ex-King's palace grounds. Yeah.
?
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Suh..suh...suh.... SUPERGREG! NUMBA ONE!
Supergreg, hero of heroes, the one DJ to rule them all. He's Number One! Bo!
(this is obviously our man Sacha Baron Cohen, still ace though - I've had it on a loop for over an hour now)
Cheers Erik, the man who became my hero along with Michael B so very, very long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
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You! Yes YOU there! Fed up of being weak and puny?
TIRED of bullies KICKING sand in your face and stealing YOUR girlfriends?
Then YOU need The Funjunkie Kilt Full O' Bats!
Made from spaceage materials rigorously tested in the ruthless cold of SPACE, The Funjunkie Kilt Full O' Bats is absolutely rammed FULL of bats. You couldn't get another one in even if you tried.
Say GOODBYE to those bully-boy blues and be the envy of everyone with The Funjunkie Kilt Full O' Bats!
ORDER ONE TODAY!
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Belated congratulations to Raquel Welch who was 21* yesterday. We should have covered this important event on Sunday of course, but we were down the boozer, as everyone should be at the weekend. Our lack of commitment has backfired though, as Raquel refused to endorse us:
Hopefully if you all go and buy one of her wigs, she might start returning our calls again.
*Again
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Being invisible must be great; just think of all the possibilties open to an invisible person. They could go into a pie shop and grab a pie and make it 'float' out of the door, and everything!.
This incredible idea led Wild to go and tinker in his secret lab for a few days. Suprisingly, his potion was remarkably effective. However there was one small set-back; he couldn't see his own body.
This meant that over the weekend we didn't see Wild at all (which was nice), but we kept hearing bumps, crashes and "Ooooh, bugger" all round FJ Towers as the temporarily spatially unaware Wild crashed into things.
Wild's now back to about 83% opacity again, so he can mostly see what he's doing, which is probably better than you.
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Ah, the Great Funjunkie Band Wagon rolls on and on, trundling away into the sunset in perpetuity on its buckled and warped wooden wheels.
This week's band wagon: Actors.
Actors that are bands, bands that are actors. Easy. Here are a few to set you off:- Dustin Hoffmanfred Mann
- The Zutony Hancocks
- The Clasharon Stone
- Carmen Electronic
- Buster Keane-ton
- Demi Faith No Moore
Add yours in the comments for this post. Hopefully they'll less groan-inducing.
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Ah... Monday morning. You're no doubt completely gormless this morning. I can see it in that vacant thousand-yard stare you're giving me. Look at you, completely and utterly sea-biscuit, with optional-extra weevils installed.
Hahah! The perfect time to spring a music quiz on you. You're probably rubbish. You'll never get more than my ridiculously poor 49/70. Not a chance. Nope.
In fact, there's no point you taking it really. It'll just upset you.
Go and make a cup of tea and sit in front of your monitor dribbling instead. Its much more you.
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I'm having some problems with trapped wind this morning. You know those days when your belly is all gurgly and sometimes so painful that you're practically bent double with it? Oh we've all been there I'm sure. And we've all vowed never again to hold in a fart in honour of a mere fallicy called 'manners'.
At the Chateau du Bad Gas they have set the fart free. They worship it, celebrate it, and practise it so that its performance becomes an art form. Hallelujah!
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Its official, the people are doing the Slurf up and down the country in their droves!!
Inspired to rebel against work by us, and only us, the general public have risen up against their employment overlords to seriously take the piss and do no work at all during office hours.
And what's the site they're all slurfing on (when not reading us that is) - that's right - its none other than the best site on the surfy thingie, Ebay!
And who can blame them? I mean, where else can you fritter away hours wondering if you really do need that flying suit? How can you not agonise on whether or not you have to get a new Male latex corset for your upcoming swingers' night? And after all that, you'll no doubt be hungry - but ebay can help you there as well!
Its as essential a tool to the modern Slurfer as a Victorian jacket potato oven trailer is to a man with a Victorian jacket potato fetish.
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I can't lie, I'm no gamer. I know nothing about Play Station, X Box or Game Cube. I don't have the concentration span to shoot things and I certainly don't have the patience to see if I can beat my own last score at penguin tosssing (ooo eerrr). I do have a Nintendo 64 that someone once left at my house and I am known to play the odd game of Mario Kart but that's about as far as it goes.
However, I don't like the fact that I'm left out every Friday on the 'find a cool game' front so I decided to make my own. It's called - Lets See Who Can Have The Least Productive Day Game. It's my game and so far I am winning. I've done Jack Shit all day apart from chat in the forums, watch music videos and scratch my arse.
Anyone want to play?
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There's been a bit of argy-bargy since the new kids have arrived at FJ Towers. There's only one TV in the place, and the remote control keeps getting hidden. The House rules (which have been in place for several years) state that Friday nights are for Gardeners World, but the new kids want to watch Days of Thunder on VHS because Badger thinks he looks a bit like Tom Cruise.
To try and keep harmony in the household, here's a small peace offering. Relive your motor racing dreams now, because you're not having the remote control later. Even if you smile sweetly and call it the 'zapper'. Or the 'thingymajig'.
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It's not even 10am and BAM!, another game for you to play. Ooh, you lucky young pups. You don't know how difficult it is to find a game that either Reg, Wild or Taz hasn't already posted. I tells ya, it's like looking for a baby wombat in a wombatarium. And while we're on the subject, this is some thing of a coup. A Space Wombat game that has been previously uncovered. Oh yeah, who's the daddy* now then?
WARNING: This game has to be downloaded, and can only be played on full-screen.
*Your dad, I'm guessing.
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Isn’t it fantastic that summer has finally arrived just in time for autumn? I was sitting out in the park just yesterday, topping up my sun tan whilst watching the leaves rapidly turning yellow and dropping off the trees before my very eyes. With half of Cornwall taking up the new sport of white water car-rafting and entire swathes of Scotland disappearing under mud-slides, it seems the weather has packed its sanity in a suitcase and gone on holiday to Mars*.
Even in inner Mongolia it seems that winter’s arrived so early that the sheep have taken to wearing woolly coats to keep them warm.
*Where incidentally, the weather is perfect.
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The next Funjunkie Friday Game is not dissimilar to driving around the one way streets of Newcastle. You might know exactly where you are, you might know exactly where you want to be, you might know exactly where that is in relation to your current position, and you might even be able to see that place... but your damned if you have the first idea how to do it!
Driving around one way systems is a little like making love to a beautiful woman... oh hang on, that's not right.
Driving around one way systems is a little like chasing a wombat around Funjunkie Towers, no matter which way you turn and what speed you go, it's always in the wrong direction and you never seem to get where you're supposed to be going.
Come to think of it, the first analogy would have worked!
While I'm pondering that, why don't you get lost in your car?
Warning: This game is a lot harder than it looks.
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Okay now, let's see...
Point, click. Point, click, point, click... Point, click, point, click, point, click, click, click, clicketyclick, click, point, click, point, click, point, click, point, click, point, click, point, click...
I think you all understand now.
3rd in the series, and it's a fairly easy one this time. Ladies and gentlemen*, may I present to you the Blue Chamber.
*And/or other.
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Take two bottles into the shower? Not me. I don't even use the shower... which explains the swarm of flies buzzing around this office right now. None of which have anything to do with the subject of today's first post, The first* Funjunkie Friday Game of the week.
Now get off your arse and start playing Pixelfield or I might just have to come down there and pull you out of bed. Don't make me come down there! I'm warning you!
*As if I needed to point out that yet again, it is Taz who gets the first FFG up and running. Hey, I don't want to blow my own trumpet and knock the rest of the guys, but the writing's on the wall. I mean do you see them posting games at 8am? Do you? No. I don't want to point fingers but it's a blatant lack of committment, that's what. Why I oughta...
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They* say that a picture paints a thousand words...
I'll tell you what: You can come up with the words** and I'll show you the pictures...
*You can be pedantic if you like, but I'm not going to give you any clues as to who they are.
**Because there's really nothing for me to say about this one.
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1) Click here to buy Viagra!
No.
2) Click here to buy Viagra!
No.
3) Click here to buy Viagra!
No.
4) Click here to buy Viagra!
No.
...
198) Click here to buy Viagra!
No.
199) Click here to buy Viagra!
Oh, go on then.
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Well that's it folks. If you were hoping to be nuzzling up to Wild's pants with can of whipped cream and a bottle of shiraz by this time next week then think again. The lucky winner of the 'black beauties' is our very own Forum lovely Frankie. What she's going to do with the pants is beyond me but I don't care because I've got £1.70 !!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!
Hang on a minute ..... it cost me £1.71 to list them.
Arses.
Oh well.. I guess that just means I'll just have to scrimp a bit when listing my next item ....
Watch this space people...
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Poor old 50 cent. He's been shot 9 times, accused of murder and even called a 'clown' by his fellow bling sporting, shite-talking, baggy-pant wearing rapper friend Ja Rule, but nothing..... Oh nothing could have prepared the so-called gangster from the hammering he received from the wild crowds at this years Reading Festival. 50 cent got pelted with bottles (hopefully of piss), mud, and even a metal chair got hurled at one point. Fiddy tried to fight back at first by launching missiles back into the booing crowds but lets face it, him and his prancing merry men are hardly going to win against thousands of pissed up Rock fans.
Anyway, to get the full effect check it out for yourself. I nearly wet my pants when I saw this. Sound is needed for full and lasting enjoyment.
I also hear Finnish 'rockers' The Rasmus got a pelting and only lasted 6 minutes on stage.
I'd like to request a few bands / artists for next years show so that they too can get a damn good twatting.
Anyone got any ideas?
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One source of amusement for us Funjunkie editors is an occasional look at the comments our readers have left*.
In the past we've been entertained by such gems as the Chavers unlimited thread, and the infamous How to make a bomb**.
The thing that really amuses me is the number of people who seem to think that the comments areas are discussion forums. Let me introduce you to Exhibit A:
Phil
any one got a picture of Caroline and Keith
phil
caroline and keith rule dopy twats
keith
we've got to move even tho we've alredy moved 9 times in 8 yrs
Caroline
fredrick can u get him to shut up i cant
caroline
keith has tried to smother me alci bastard
I hope you're all keeping up with this, because we'll be asking questions later.
*Your average Funjunkie editor is easily amused.
**I would link to it, but it got too ridiculous to bother showing again.
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Now the summer days are drawing to a close and the nights are getting darker, you'll no doubt be starting to think to yourself about getting a new Chaffinch for the winter.
Luckily for you, Funjunkie Enterprises is right on the ball, and with immaculate timing we've just released our latest and finest Chaffinch yet.
Chaffinch-ULTRA! is like no Chaffinch you've ever come across. Its NEW! Its FRESH! Its available in the shops NOW!
Funjunkie Enterprises. Your way, to a better life.
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While we're on the subject of panic, there's a rather more pressing issue hitting the headlines in the Funjunkie Towers Evening Chronicle today.
Today marks the start of the final 24 hour countdown* for Wild's pants. That's right kids, you'd better get bidding if you want to own a piece of history, and the pants that it's attached to. You've got one day left to make a difference to the lives of 5 very worried Funjunkie editors.
*Bidip, bidip, biddledybeep. Boo!**
**I suspect that only art students and cruciverbalists*** will get that one.
***You'll know if you are one, okay?
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A couple of weeks ago we received a copy of the Government's new paranoid brochure: Preparing for emergencies. What you already know..
So far it's been incredibly helpful in averting a major disaster here at Funjunkie Towers, after the shopping rota got wiped off the fridge notice board and we subsequently ran out of toilet paper.
It's a bit scratchy though, which probably explains why Wild has been walking around with bowed legs, holding his arse.
Some of the advice is pretty good too.
"Reduce fire hazards in your home. Children are the worst fire hazards; consider giving them up for adoption."
...and there's more.
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Like any good weblog (well, more like any bad weblog, we've got a reputation for shitness to uphold here), we get a lot of visitors finding us through bizarre and sometimes disturbing search requests via Google. "How to hit stupid boys" was one of my recent favourites.
However, its the more random ones that we get that I enjoy the most, and one in particular caught my eye this morning.
Numbers One To One Hundred Thousand might initially appear to you to be a sensible enough request, but think about it, why the hell is someone searching for it? Have they forgotten how to count? Calculator batteries run out? Perhaps they even doubt the very existence of certain numbers and need definitive proof?
Whatever, I'm concerned that the searcher may not have found what they were looking for, and in this we have failed them. Its not good enough.
I need to redress the balance.... so here we go:1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15.... Full list is available here: Numbers one to one hundred thousand, sponsored by Michael Elphick, patron saint of Funjunkie.
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
