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Don't know how we missed this but last week Karate Jedi leg.end type fella Pat Morita died.
You know, the karate kid dude, wax on, wax off, paint the fence Daniel San.
Come on, he could catch flies with chopsticks, the man's a GENIUS!
I was going to post a catching flies with chopsticks game in his honour but I've a feeling Reg did that already* so now Daniel San be the fly**
*So it will have been crap
**Watch out for dead Asian American actors with chopsticks
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Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No, it’s… you.
Well it is if you download That Cloud Game. You’ll be flying around, making friends with clouds in no time! The sunny skies will almost make you forget it’s the middle of winter outside.
So don’t blame us if you get up to pop down the shops and forget to put your coat on, then catch hypothermia, then die. Which has happened to one of our readers before. The 40 week trial went in our favour though, so it’s not even worth taking us to court.
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It's always nice to learn a few tricks of the trade. For example, I've always wondered how to get a barbeque grill clean without having to bother to wash it up, and now I know!
If only they had a tip on how to stop wombats from stealing chocolate biscuits, I'd be the luckiest guy in FJ Towers! I can always dream.
*sigh*
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As funjunkie's resident medic* I feel it's my sworn public duty to keep you updated in matters of health.
With Christmas looming ever closer, and especially with you all working hard on your entries for the FJ Advent Calender 2005 doubtless you've already stocked up on your glitter.
I know this will particularly apply to those of you arty types** like Reg who like to make your own decorations, cards and the such like.
Stay safe kids, and watch out for Glitter Lung
*GMC suspended, but that's under review, they can't proove anything without the bodies
**Tight as a ducks arse
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It’s time now to watch some Bender films!
Hold your horses, it’s probably not what you’re thinking – no way would I put a link to a not safe for work pipe bending page. No, Bender films are a series of one minute videos about one man’s fight against the daily grind. Watch him breakdance in mud and chase pigeons across streets.
However, if you do want some under the counter pipe bending flicks, I know a couple of plumbers who could help you out. Leave your name and number on the FJ Hardcore Plumbing answer phone line. You know the number!
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On your everyday travels you’ll probably pass hundreds of unmarked switches, levers and handles. Have you ever thought what might happen if you flicked / pulled / opened a few of them? Curiosity killed the cat, but opening that door could lead on to something far more sinister. You might be bundled to the ground and bitten on the ear.
By a monkey.
The lights will suddenly come on and mysteriously, the monkey will have disappeared. Along with one of your shoes.
Allegedly.
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Just in case Friday's game marathon didn't satisfy your appetite for time wasting, here's something else to get you teeth into. Orisinal has finally come up with a game that doesn't send you to sleep after two seconds. It's still as cutesy as hell, but at least there's a bit of action.
A word of warning, if you're vegetarian you might not like this game. Animals nearly get hurt in it.
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December kicks off on Thursday next week, and we'll be launching this years' FJ Advent Calendar. We're still looking for more submissions, so get cracking* over the weekend.
It's not just for fun, there's good stuff to be had for our favourite entries too. Remember, if you don't send us anything, we'll let Santa know through the grapevine that you haven't been good this year, and you won't get any presents. We're very influential with his elves and reindeer.
*No, not 'cracking one off'
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It's that time of the month again. No, not that time of the month, you mucky bugger. The time of the month when Badger Mushroom and pals whip out their records and do their Stern Radio club at the Roadmender in Northampton.
I'm sure they would be jolly pleased if you could join them. It's bound to be a smashing do.
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No, your eyes are not deceiving you. This really is Funjunkie Friday Game Number Seven. The quality is holding up for once as well.
This next game is a bit of a beauty, and I'm not just saying that because I'm ranked 90th in the universe either. You have to stay balanced on the ball for as long as possible. It's just like walking home after a pint on shandy*. You should be pretty good at it then. Scores in the comments box, please.
*OK, half a pint in my case
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Sometimes we're never sure whether we're rotating old games here at the house of Funjunkie, but since we all suffer from apauling apathy, we'll just have to keep hoping that we're not repeating ourselves. Hopefully though, we're not repeating ourselves, because we wouldn't want to keep repeating ourselves, that would be repetetive.
Sure, we could always go through the archives and check our own work, but did I mention the apathy? Yeah, so get over it, okay?
Game twelfty is all about Basketball and Bungee, which may or may not be a repetetive repetition of us repeating ourselves...
...again.
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Seeing as it's cold out and some of us have had a sprinkling of snow, I thought what better than challenging the rest of the FJ editors to a snowball fight.
It's the least I can do after the unfortunate loo incident with Reg.
Who have I got blame but myself? After all, it was me that slipped the syrup of figs into his bedtime horlicks.
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Hi, sorry I'm late. Whoever finished the loo roll in the gents here at FJ towers forgot to get a replacement. I've been sitting on the throne for the last 3 hours waiting for someone to come past so they could help me out.
New girl BeccaG eventually came past on her way to fetch some biscuits and assisted me. It was all a bit embarrassing (for her, not me), but I think the little ordeal has made her feel part of the gang.
But enough about ablutions, you're here for the games! FJ Idol loser Johnny X* sent in this game about pies and alligators. What's not to like about that!
Post you high scores in the comments box.
*Oh, he's going to love that title
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Remember the good old days? Back when the only problems you ever faced were learning how to tie your own shoelaces, deciding where to build your treehouse, and defending the country from invasion by an army of Viking Monsters. Remember those days?
No?
Then it's time you got back in touch with the simple things in life. It's time to do your duty.
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This is not good. I've been beaten to it on the first Funjunkie Friday Game of the week, and by a doctor! Damn you medics with your stupid working hours, you will feel my wrath. My WRATH!
Still, it's good to see that our new editors are embracing Funjunkie life with a degree of enthusiasm, albeit until they realise that there's no pay cheque at the end of the month. That one's always a little hard to swallow.
Game 2 of this wonderfully snow laden Friday comes in the form of a little fish in a world full of big fish. It's the same old story of Boy fish meets Girl fish, Boy fish falls in love with Girl fish, Girl fish gets a bit peckish and eats Boy fish, game over.
Thanks to Paul for sending us the link.
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Britain, Britain, Britain.
How I miss that sceptered isle. Well for a start you can't get a decent cup o tea here on Mars cause liquids boil at a stupidly low temperature in the vacuum and we still can't find any water anyway.
Probably our own fault for putting Badger Mushroom in charge of the water finding team.
Something about not enough pterodactyls.
Anyway this staved off the home sickness for a little while, hope it helps you*.
*Please, if you have to do the impression, try to do it inside your head, it's so series one darling.
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According to this detective game 'nothing stays lost forever'. That's absolute bollocks though, obviously. I lost twenty quid down the back of the sofa last week, and it hasn't turned up since. How do they explain that, eh?
I would get F*ck Fluff Sally to do some detective work on my case, but she's too busy mucking around with that new make-up kit that she got at the weekend. She says it was an absolute bargain at just £19.99.
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Ever had one of those days when nothing goes right, and you seem to be twifty million times more clumsy than usual? It's a real pain in arse, innit. If only there were signs to alert you to every sort of danger out there....
Lucky for you that forum regular Lal managed to pull one out from his Saq Magique, eh? That's right, create your own Warning Labels for any and every eventuality, and you'll be able to get that good nights sleep you've been needing for so long*.
If you're a member of flickr, why not stick your efforts where everyone can see them.
*You look like that normally, you say? Oh....
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December starts a week tomorrow, and we're still looking for entries for the FJ Advent Calendar 2005. If you want to have your 15 minutes of fame and a chance at winning the last ever FJ mug, read all this, then send us in a snap.
Remember, you don't have to have a santa suit to enter, and if we don't have enough pictures, then millions of children across the world won't get Brazil nuts and satsumas in their stockings* this Christmas.
*We've taken the Brazil nut and satsuma cartel hostage, just to chivvy you along.
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Paper areoplanes are ace. Imagine if you could actually build a proper life sized aeroplane out of paper and fly about in it. These Kerrayzee guys haven’t done that, but they have made a fully working V8 engine solely out of paper. Surely it’s only time until someone sticks it on to a 10 metre long ‘classic dart’ and hey presto!
It’d be rubbish in the rain though, flights in England would be out of the question. However, it doesn’t rain in space. Maybe it should be used on spaceships instead. Hmmm, FJ intergalactic paper airlines… now there’s a thought. I’d better get on the phone to the FJ bank manager. He's bound to give us loads of money to invest in this.
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Judging by how quiet the fora* are, you must all be toiling hard.
Bless you, you poor things, why don't you take a load off and have a nice cup o' tea.
Here, put your feet up and I'll give em a rub.
GOOD GOD! When did you last trim those bad boys?
*See what I did there, that's latin that is. Bloody impressive I think you'll agree
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I'm not ashamed to admit that at times in my life my Tummy Banana has occasionally become a little atrophied through under use.
It's nothing unusual, it happens to us all, for example, Reg has never been able to wield his purple headed warrior since he was rendered Castrato for his School Choir as a child.
Of course though in America, they always take things to the extreme.
I hope he took some lube, friction burns are terribly sore.
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How lucky you've all been today. Who'd have thought that this week's Funjunkie Friday Games would keep coming and coming all day long? Getting us lot to post games is usually as difficult as getting blood out of a stone, but today we're all feeling fit, well, happy and full of the joys of Spring.
Shame it's Autumn though.
So one more from me, which should keep you out of trouble until you get to leave the office for your dirty weekend. This time you'll be tossing Pandas, which is a phrase I like to use a lot in everyday conversation.
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Everyone loves magic right?
Wrong, it's the dark arts being blatantly flaunted to groups of innocent children at parties by suspect paedophiles (probably).
Bring back the dunking stool say we.
I tell you what would've been magic though, sneaking down to Tower Bridge with a high powered sniper rifle and showing David Blaine exactly what we think of his Wikka peddling antics*.
Well, now's your chance. Fire at will sah!
*Obviously we at Fubjunkie don't advocate assasinating magicians**
**Unless you can get away with it, obviously.
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There are two types of people in this world, the ones who dive right in and those that ponce about at the side of the pool in their speedo's and make a performance of dipping their toes in to test the temperature.
Me? Well I'm not either type....especially in mid - November. Who wants to go jumping in to freezing cold water when there are other options like snuggling up with hot steaming cup of coffee and jaffa cakes with a nice Friday game?
This one is called Threesome, which is another jolly way to keep warm this winter. It's a puzzle game, which I thought would be a good way of giving those brains a work out before the onslaught of the weekends debauchery
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Right suckers, I've managed to chew off the ropes the others had me bound in and have escaped to cause havoc with the FP.
I know as much about working this site as I do about medicine, but one thing I do know is Squares (I went to school with Reg after all.)
So, as at playtime the call is Kill the squares.
You might not like it, it might not work. What do you want from me, blood?
I've got some if you want, there's a 50 gallon drum downstairs. It's mostly human as well, which is nice.
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For your next FJ Friday game of the week, we’re going a bit arsey.
....
Oh sorry, there’s an autocue error. That’s meant to say RC, as in radio controlled, and nothing to do with bums at all. A lucky escape – and I’m not talking about farts. What? Oh yeah, RC Rally. It’s good, but it’s still not a patch on RC Pro-Am (which once ate about a week of my life).
I need some more tea. Where are those new editors when you need them?
It is Friday isn't it?
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Game 2 of the week, and yes, that's absolutely smashed last week's tally of... ooh, none.* This week we're on a mission to make up for that disaster, so expect a tirade of pointless and confusing games for the rest of the day.
Back to the point. Game 2 is really going to piss you off. Not because it's crap though (no really, it's not), but because it's just too damned addictive, and bloody difficult. I know, we're so mean, posting all these taxing games so early on a Friday morning, there should be a law against it.
Nine Lives... You're going to need them all.
*We're really really sorry about that. But you see it was the dog. It ate our homework, and then we were late for the bus, and and and...
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Now we have 2 new editors on the Funjunkie team, it's about time we showed them who's boss. We're expecting big things from BeccaG and Dr.Poppyjuice, but to be honest with you, I don't think they're going to be much good at Funjunkie Friday Games, either posting or playing them.
It's an important part of being a Funjunkie editor. Only time will tell whether or not our new recruits have what it takes to beat Reg in a head to head race to post the first Funjunkie Friday Game of the week, and it goes without saying that nobody's going to beat me. Watch and learn from the master.
Seconds out, round one. And round one this week is a naked* skateboarding frenzy. I bet that's got your interest.
*Don't worry, it is worksafe. (Sorry)
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Enter the world of Chanda-Leah and see the world's smartest dog do amazing tricks!
Watch in awe as she sneezes on command! Read in astonishment how she got her beautiful name! Watch in incredulity at the amount of exclamation marks I can get into this post!!!!!!
Huh, what a load of rubbish. We get the FJ wombat to go down to the offy to buy us booze and crisps at three in the morning and he pays for it himself. I bet Chanda-flippin'-Leah can't do that!
Cheers Phil "The Power" Simms
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So there you were, feeling all confident and self absorbed, lapping up the rewards of being the centre of everybody's attention as usual and generally feeling pretty bloody amazing.
Well sorry kids, but not for the first time, Funjunkie's here to make you feel small all over again. The world may be revolving around you today, but on the grand scale of things that means absolute diddly squat!
Do you think you're so big? Do you think you're significant? Think again. We found a picture of you surrounded by all of your friends. You're in amongst a lot of other people, some of which may be your adoring fans, but do you know what? We couldn't spot you in the crowd. It turns out that you really don't stand out as much as you thought. You're really not that big as it happens. See if you can spot yourself.
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Since winning FJ Idol, we’ve been putting our new editor through a rigourous process of medical trials to see if he can acclimatise to life on Mars. In a new process, similar to that of ingesting a Barium Meal, we’ve been feeding Dr. Poppyjuice 50,489 blue nanoballs to check his brainwave patterns. Here are the results so far. None of us have got the slightest clue what it means. Still, it looks kind of interesting.
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There was only ever going to be one way we could finish off FJ Idol, and that was by a fair game of Paper, Scissors, Stone! Each of the four remaining contestants cogitated and ruminated, then supplied us with their three best moves. It was going to be a harsh fight to the death, and here’s what happened, blow by blow.
Full Story >>
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While you were out we got cracking with round 2 of FJ Idol, setting our 8 contestants a difficult and demanding task. We thought we'd start them in at the deep end with a thought provoking question, the likes of which have never been asked before here on Funjunkie.
The following question was put to each FJ wannabe under tense conditions:
What is your favourite word?
Inspired stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. The first elimination round is now complete, and we can now tell you who got the boot and who's still in with a chance.
Read on for all the juicy details...
Full Story >>
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So now you know who managed to get through to round two of FJ Idol, but how did they manage it?
We held a series of auditions around the country, with a panel of judges consisting of some of the best talent scouts that we could afford. Unfortunately we're practically broke, so we had to make do with 3 people we found in the street.
So if you'd like to read the judges' comments on our wannabes' entries, read on...
Full Story >>
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So here we are on the final day of FJ Idol, Round 1. It's been hard work, it's been emotional, and it's been a right royal pain in the arse.
We've had all the drama, the tears, the fisticuffs, and we even had the offer of sexual favours from one hopeful. Needless to say our judges don't take bribes, so if you're reading this Mr Beckham, the answer is NO. You were shit. Get over it.
So the last thing for me to do this week is to give you another glimps at all of the lucky contestants who've made it through to the next round. Here they are in all their sparkling wonderfulness. And if you're really a fan, I can tell you that underneath those clothes they are all entirely naked!
Some people we found on the street, today
Stay tuned next week as we start the public humiliation... or Round 2, as F*ck Fluff Sally prefers us to call it.
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The last, but by no means least of the FJ Idol contestants comes in the shape of Johnny X, and what a strange shape he really is. Several arms short of an octopus, hundreds of legs short of a millipede, and only one head. Who'd have thought that our last challenger would be a biped? Not me, that's for sure.
Let's take a quick look at him shall we...
Johnny X posing for the office photo shoot, recently.
Oh dear. Well, it's lucky we've got 7 other contestants really, that's all I can say.
You'll be hearing all about Johnny's trip to Minehead, and sitting through his holiday slideshow in a few days.
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Not another FJ wannabe, surely? Well yes. As difficult as it may be to believe, it appears that more than 3 people actually want to be on the Funjunkie team. Little do they realise that they'll be starting on the bottom rung of the ladder. Even Reg and I once started out making the tea and cleaning the toilet.
Our next FJ Idol contestant is the ever popular Toby. Toby likes knitting scarves and eating chutney, and his favourite film is currently under the sofa.
Toby giving BA Baracus a knowing look, today
You'll be hearing more about Toby's inside leg measurement in a few days.
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Douglas Adams once said "I love deadlines, I love
the wooshing sound they make as they fly by", which seems to be the attitude of most of the FJ Idol contestants. Here we are on the entries deadline, and they all start pouring in at once.
So we've got 3 more entries to amuse you all with, but you'll have to hang on while our photographer sorts himself out and gets the photos back to us. Obviously this is a little difficult to do in one day for 2 reasons.
The first is that everyone's spread out around the country, and our private helicopter has to stop for extra fuel every 30 miles because the petrol tank is a bit too small.
The second reason is because our latest entrant, Owen persuaded the photographer to join him in taking a few hallucinogens.
Owen laughing at all the pretty lights, today.
We'll give you Owen's chest size soon, mark my words.
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If you think you’re no good at something in life, maybe its because you’re setting your sights too high. You’re probably hopeless at running the 100 metres, so what do you do about it? One solution would be to make your competitors a bit weaker to even things out a bit.
In this next FJ Friday game, you’re racing against a bunch of schoolkids. If you don’t win against them, then you really are just plain rubbish.
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FJ Idol has been providing us here at Funjunkie Towers with enough comedy value to put us in maximum security ward for at least a week, such is the level of Fj wannabes who've been making fools of themselves at our local town hall. The most amusing thing is that the auditions are actually going on here in the house, so there's a queue of eejits who're going to be sorely disappointed when they realise that they've been waiting 2 hours to get into a bring and buy sale.
The odd one or two victi... er, contestants, have read the directions properly and have managed to get through the first round of questions with surprising ingenuity, or in one case, by knocking out each of the judges with a cricket bat. There's a lot to be said for thinking laterally.
Our latest entry comes from regular reader and forumite, Peanut, who's positively frothing at the mouth with anticipation. We had to hire a new photographer though, since the last one has alcohol poisoning from a week long binge on Pina Coladas.
Peanut getting ready to drive to the office, today
We'll give you a full rundown of Peanut's credentials in due course. Hold onto your hats.
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Round one of FJ Idol closes at the end of play today, so if you're thinking of entering, you'd better get your skates on. So far we've had two more entries this morning, so things are starting to hot up!
Tune in again at the start of next week for round two. We're going to start seperating the wheat from the chaff* and getting rid of some contestants too.
*We need to make some more bread
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I was going to give you a lengthy introduction to this next game. Perhaps a short story about the amusing set of events that led me to finding it, filled with anecdotes and quips. Witty, yet informative and just a little serious.
I would have written a healthy number* of paragraphs, leading my audience on for a while, teasing you all with small tasters of what's to come until I reached the grand finale. The saved joke, the mother of all endings. How you would have laughed. You would have felt all warm inside, like that day in your childhood spent running around the woods with your new puppy, chasing butterflies and jumping in piles of fresh fallen autumn leaves.
However I'm not going to do that today. Why? Because I'm far too amused at the name of the game, Wink. It's far too close to Winki, geddit? I said Winki... Tee hee!
*What the hell is a healthy number of paragraphs anyway?
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Every week, slowly but surely the days creep on up towards their big climatic finish, like the thrutchings of a dog clamped onto its owner's leg. On monday, Friday can be vaguely glimpsed somewhere on the edge of the horizon, almost mocking us with its tantalising view and spitting in our face as we realise that there's a long way to go before its warm embrace can be felt.
We laboriously wend our way through the week days, occasionally looking up to see if we're any closer, but Friday is always just over the brow of another hill, and another hill, and just another hill. It taunts us. It laughs at us. It whispers to us in a language that we can only understand when we get there.
Then all at once we step over the threshold of Friday morning and suddenly the realisation blinds us with the shocking truth... Shit! I've left the fucking oven on.
Oh yeah, games. Here's one to get you started. It's almost impossible, so that should keep you occupied for a couple of picoseconds.
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You wait all week for a game, then on Friday three come along at once! To help you along right now, I'm going to slip in a quick FJ Little Friday Game, so long as that's OK with you, of course.
Get behind the wheel of your snazzy new Subaru and (you guessed it), drive around a bit! Don't worry about all the gubbins about signing up and so on, you can just skip all that and get motoring straight away.
Make sure you return the motor to the FJ garage by tomorrow. Taz is bound to have posted loads of ace games before I've even woken up.
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Serious posts are very rare here on FJ. The last one (off the top of my head) was on Wednesday 17th September 2003 at 16.03pm GMT, and it was about cod. It’s time now for another one.
Full Story >>
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Christmas may seem a long way off still, and thankfully it is, but the beginning of advent is only a month away. That means it’s nearly time for the annual FJ Advent Calendar Spectacular to get under starters orders again. We’re not going to bow to politically correct pressure like the supermarkets and call it a “seasonal countdown calendar”, but on the other hand, it’s nothing to do with religion either. As everyone knows, christmas is just about having time off and getting pissed!*
To make this festive treat happen, we need YOU to send us photos. Whip your cameras out and send your best shots to: competition@funjunkie.co.uk. There’s the last of the super-dooper FJ mugs for the best offering**, and goody bags for everyone who’s picture we use***. Let’s try and not cause a ruckus like last year though, eh?
If you’re one of those bright sparks who has a flickr account, join the 2005 Advent Calendar group. You can also check the 2004 & 2003 groups while you’re there too.
*And maybe watching Superman II for the fourteenth time
**As chosen by the FJ Editors
***As long as you trust us with your postal address
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Talent for FJ Idol may be thin on the ground, but that's probably down to our scary judges who've been making hundreds of Funjunkie hopefulls run away in tears. Besides that, holding the first round of auditions inside working abattoirs may not have been such a good idea as we first thought. Still, it does mean that those of you who do enter will have more chance of winning, which may or may not be an incentive...
Our latest contestant who managed to sneak his way past the first round judges, thus avoiding humiliation and the possibility of leaving without a couple of vital organs, is Crazymum's very own Frazer, who's evidently not satisfied with only having to run one weblog. The good news is that the Wombat does enjoy the odd Glutton for Punishment, although they don't tend to last long.
Frazer getting ready to sand floors, today.
Fortunately our photographer was not suffering from a hangover this morning*, and managed to get us a decent shot. We'll tell you more about Frazer's entry next week.
*Because he was still wankered from last night's epic.
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Last week, we left Binky and Waffle in their garage doing an A-Team inspired conversion on their hamster wheel. Now, they're finally ready to hit the road in this final part of the epic saga.
We're currently in negotiations with the creative team behind B&W to bring you some new stories. Meanwhile, they're over on Rate my drawing making some pocket money until the mega-bucks start rolling in*.
*I've no idea where the cash is going to come from. We might have to sell the FJ conker collection
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LOTR bloopers?
Enthusiasts of Movie-Mistakes.com have noticed many "bloopers" in Lord of the Rings. They report that in one scene there is a car driving across the horizon; in another, the hobbits are wearing shoes; in another, where one of the black riders is chasing the hobbits onto the ferry, he is clearly wearing a Sony Walkman.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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"The French are not normally a Nordic skiing nation."
- Ron Pickering |
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| Men: Badgering the witness |
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DeathGob
