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I can't believe it, I've now in the second week of my holiday, I've had my home wireless network up for over 6 weeks, and its only now that I've been able to access the net for undescribably boring technical issues to do with my friend Mr. 802.11b which I won't ever bore you with, promise.
Still, lack of net access has been a good thing - 11 nights of 4:00am returnings, much cheerage and booze-dripping goodwill, a smattering of ill-will (but not much), if I ever see another party nibble it'll be way too soon, and a very fine weed selection pack provided to me by my nearest and dearest. Excellent stuff with some curious little anecdotes that I'll be dropping in posts for the next few days like some over-seasoned dumpling-bloated old after-dinner speaker at a Gentlemen's Club Christmas dinner.
Not for now though, its New Year's Eve, I've just recovered from last night's excesses and I'm off to party dressed like some 1920's gangster loon as if it were 1999 (or something).
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Just a quick one to wish everyone involved in funjunkie in whatever capacity, contributors, readers, even the northerners and poor bastards who end up as the subject matter for our links a Very.... very.... Merry Christmas!! *hic*
To the pub my pretties!! Fly!
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Let's face it - it's not going to snow is it? Well, not enough to be fun. It may piddle down a bit, but way too little for sledging and snowball fights. So I suppose there's no point in me sharing tips on how to build snowmen is there?
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Did you like the play on words there? No, you didn't even notice it did you... I spend my time coming up with all these clever puns and all I ever get is criticism. You miserable bloody...
Oops, where was I?
Oh yeah, sometimes I wonder why some people bother creating games. I mean, what's the point when they're this pointless? Hands up who's trying to hit all the tugs?
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I was just thinking 'wouldn't it be nice if there was a game where you played the part of Santa's dog in a christmas styled Super Mario clone', and WHOA! - one turns up, just like that!
Hmmm, 'wouldn't it be nice to get a suitcase full of cash for christmas...'
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As you'd expect at this time of year, Santa is trying to save the world from an alien invasion. Its a common occurrence apparently.
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If you're going to celebrate all this religious nonsense, you'd better be doing it in a purely non-prejudice manner. Have a politically correct Christmas you fucking greedy four-eyed pommie bastard!
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Monsters celebrate christmas too you know. About as successfully as I do anyway.
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Gosh, I feel all warm inside. It must be the christmas love... oh, the heating is on full blast. Have yourself a merry christmas.
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"Oh dear you scored 392"
The immortal words of a flash game mocking yours truly for being pathetic! Pathetic that is, at a simple game. Simplicity is the square root of all wonderful things and therefore... What the fuck am I on about???
Er, this is a great game... Reindeer Training School. I just like it because the reindeer looks so happy. Unortunately I keep imagining the fat bastard North American psycopathic hunter with his sniper rifle and high calibre rounds, waiting behind one of the trees, ready to shoot the poor defenceless beast between the eyes. I mean, what is the point? WHY?
oh... sorry
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Easily the best christmas card that I've seen so far this year. I mean, a private dance by a hula monkey? Sublime.
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I think my friends are either trying to tell me something, or I'm just immature. For my birthday yesterday (thanks for all the cards -not) everyone got me toys, toys, and more toys. Brilliant!
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Here's a dangerously annoying game to test your patience. Snowglobe Simon is one of those "How the fuck do you control this bastard?" type of games. Compelling nonetheless...
The twist about this game is that you can build your own levels. Yay, and quite possibly... woo!
Which pizza did you order?
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Don't worry... everyone else may be skiving for the week, but you've still got me to feed you your daily fix of time wasting games and useless information. Games such as Consumerism Christmas, which is basically another seasonal Lemmings ripoff.
So maybe its not Friday, but chances are there's only 2 of you in the office, and the other one is boring geek who talks in binary. Its not like you're going to do any work anyway.
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You talkin' to me? You're calling me 'Hasselhoff'? I'm gonna flame yo' ass! Yessiree.
N.B. Ass = Arse (IN THIS INSTANCE - NOT ALWAYS!!!!)
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Is that a monkey down your pants sir, or are you a fucking moron?
Both? Well, quite. (Thanks to Steve for finding that one)
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Here's the crap game nomination for the day... Fly Santa around in a sort of hovercraft thing, dropping gifts. Its crap and its weird, since I was under the impression that he was supposed to have a sled and reindeer.
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For those of you who have bairnes, you might find this site of use on Christmas Eve. Norad's military eye on the sky tracks the fat bastard's progress around the globe (no, not Bernard Manning). Get the buggers to bed early by proving that the Scandanavian twat is nearly on the roof.
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For the more Fruit Pastille-y challenged amongst our readership, search the magical world in pursuit of the legendary RownTree so that you can...er... chop it down and build an NCP car park or whatever it is capitalist pigs do these days....
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Earlier at the Games it won him two silver medals, but this time Santa's all-out style fails him. After a strong first run, Santa decides to go for broke and ends up falling twice on his way to a 25th-place finish. France's Joyeaux-Noel Picard wins Gold.
Please read the instructions. Santa Slingshotting is a dangerous sport.
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A nifty 2d-ish Jet-pac simulator today for my nomination: Jetpac.
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A nifty 3d-ish clay pigeon shooter today for my nomination: Shooter.
Try and get all the UFOs to earn bonus levels...
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Just before Phil 'the Power' Simms gave me the last link, he was talking about LOTR (since it's a hot topic apparently). He's all excited about going to see it tonight. He then came out with the comment - 'I wonder how many fruit pastilles I could eat during the film'....
He's quite a big fella.
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Sheesh, I don't post for a few minutes, and everyone forgets about the friday game, in favour of talking about banking instead. This is Funjunkie right?
Cheers to Phil 'the Power' Simms.
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Congratulations to Barclays Online Banking for allowing me to electronically apply and automatically receive an extension on my overdraft for Christmas through a browser in less than a minute rather than by forcing me to traipse all the way over to the nearest branch in the freezing cold, queue up for ages and humiliate myself by grovelling and simpering in return for an ounce of pity and a reluctant acceptance from a bespectacled and supercilious personal account manager who looks as if they think I should be put out of my misery by taking me out the back entrance and shooting me in the back of the head with a bolt gun.
Its the only humane way, apparently.
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Its strange what you get thinking about when you're riding to work on the bus in the morning. But me, I drive my car (Lopez), so its not strange... unless you consider what I was thinking about, in which case it was. Where were we?
Oh yeah. Well I started thinking about crap music. Hello? And then I tried to remember the first record (those round black plastic things that don't fit in the CD player) I ever bought... and then after remembering, I tried to forget!
Modern Romance Best years of our lives.
What the fuck was I thinking of??? Still, it couldn't be as bad as all that PopTarts shite!
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Went to see the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers last night. Blimey. The scale of the thing is quite breathtaking.
Worth the 9 hours duration just for the battle at Helm's Deep alone, amazing stuff.
Its got its bits I'm not happy with, just like any film where I've read the books beforehand, but they're niggles really - I think J R Tolkein would have loved it and any film with Liv Tyler in it (no matter how long for) is a must-see. She's a goddamn babe I'm tellin ya.
My advice, upgrade to a comfy and spacious seat with a good view in the theatre. You'll need it.
Also beware of cinemas trying to shoehorn people into the little-used smaller screen theatres in order to fit more showings in - you need to view this film on the big daddy, and to start off with they (Odeon) tried to fob us off with a tiny one, until we bitterly complained and got bumped to the good one.
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And if you read this site regularly, you will be assimiliated into the cult of Domokun.
But get this, lots of the original Domokun episodes are online and compressed into DivX movies! Go get em and enjoy all that lovely domokuness again and again!
Ha! Ha! Check out Domo trying to water the flowers that are on the TV and destroying it! He's so silly!
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Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car...
Maybe Ernie Marrs got it right
nope
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If you're a bit of a Christmas Party Pooper - or if you've got a hangover from last night's party, you definitely won't enjoy this lovely Karaoke Christmas Carol site. Bah Humbug!
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While we are on a grovelling thanks style thing, a big 'good work fella' to Jon Burgerman for sending me some truly great stickers - and lots of them. They will adorn all the new things that I will be getting for my birthday (which for those people who are interested, is on Sunday...) HINT
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Send all spelling complaints to the usual address.
As I said yesterday, Kerb are a canny bunch. And they were so pleased, they sent us a Christmas card. Ahh... it brings a tear to me eye.
Thanks Jim... and him, and her... oh and him, and him, and....
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Well the annual event didn't disappoint again this year, as my colleagues and I settled ourselves in for a jolly good knees up in a restaurant on Bournemouth beach.
Highlights of the night included one of our directors bellowing "FUCK OFF!" to a table full of diners next to us; another director electing to breakdance on the floor in the middle of the restaurant rather than deliver a speech; the highly amusing event of a tray of drinks flying through the air to land on another senior member of staff, covering him in hot wax and red wine; colleagues stripping off their shirts and twirling them above their semi-naked bodies; exposed nipples; tattoos of cartoon frogs; painfull falls to the floor; heinous hijacking of booze intended for others and mad latino barmaids completely misunderstanding drinks orders and delivering very odd combinations of liquids instead. (Gin and Soy sauce anyone?)
Good work fellas. May this morning's bacon sarnies restore and rejuvenate thee.
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Strange... one of our recent visitors came from the International Atomic Energy Agency.
Maybe they've written a news article about my amateur Nuclear Power Plant that I installed in my basement. I got the instructions from the back of a packet of cornflakes, and ended up building the thing from washing up bottles, toilet rolls and sticky back plastic. I found the radioactive material inside a Maccy D's hamburger.
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Cancel the christmas party, Santa's dead.
Only joking! Picka-pickaa?
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Wow, an incredibly fast game of Pac-Man!
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"So, you want some more? Let's talk about your lyrics. What's the fascination with the ass? "Pillow Ass?" And yet another Fred Schneider-ish cry of "I'll kick your arse! I'll kick your arse! I'll kick your arse!" The verse delivery in "Pillow Ass" sounds snatched from the Dismemberment Plan, which is quite the trend du jour."
Ah screw it! Go and read it yourself
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Here is an internet hyperlink that uses HTML to link to a website that is very very boring and it has lots of entries on it that are not interesting in the slightest because it is very dull and it is just things about christmas cards, or going to the toilet or typing up shoelaces or looking at a carpet or going to a DIY shop on a Sunday or maybe choosing some nails over others because they fit the job better it also has some very dull graphics on it that aren't very interesting and probably were made in Microsoft Paint with great care and diligence because getting things wrong is just not right, like yesterday when I used the wrong key in my front door I couldn't get into the house until I used the correct key which is something I will try to do all the time from now on because getting locked out of your house is definitly not a good thing, especially with the weather is as inclement as it currently is.
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We love Kerb! Not just because they create superb flash games like Panik in Chocoland, but because they're completely at ease about being politically incorrect.
Case 1
Its an old one... Micro Scooter Death.
Case 2
Its new (well it is to me)... Wrong Clothes. Where you get to see the little tykes in the sweat shop before you buy your T-shirt. Marvellous!
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So, Christmas party season then? Go and buy some mistletoe, and practice on this set of smackers. Let's 'face' it, it's the best offer you're going to get!
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Wow, it seems like Wild is on the Happy Pills for the first time this year (I bet he won't be tommorow). Why not make his day even better by sending him a seemingly innocent christmas card.
Send it in to the usual address.
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I know its not time for the Funjunkie Friday Game yet (because its not Friday, see?), but its our company Christmas party tonight and I'm in a good mood so I'll post this now even though it would have had a very good chance of winning on Friday (alongside the fantabulous Domokun Smash-Fest).
This is quite easily the best online clone of Bubble Bobble that I've ever seen. Bubble Madness even has a 2-player option for that hardcore Bub and Bob action, apart from the fact that its isn't Bub and Bob, its a couple of cavemen probably called Ug and Og or something. Still, its ace, and I like.
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FJ regular Jim clearly thinks that we have a combined mental age of about 3 (which wouldn't be far from the truth), so he's sent in this lovely christmas toy so I could share it with you all. Ahhh. How nice.
Now, back to the serious christmas issues, like EROTIC ADVENT CALENDARS!!! Yes! OK, so it's nearly christmas already, but that means you can open all the doors at once.
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Ok, quiz time:
What links the following people:- The World's Oldest Dutchman
- A Polka Star
- A Chechen Rebel Leader and
- The Lovin' Spoonful's guitarist?
A love of Weetabix?
Nah, wrong, sorry.
The ability to remember the entire telephone book, backwards?
Erm, no.
Ok then, what about: They all believed that mice were the work of the devil, and left unchecked, would run amok throughout our towns and cities, raping and pillaging all cheese shops and causing much wailing and gnashing of teeth?
Er... You're a strange person.
Thanks, I try to be.
Well, whatever (wierdo), you're not correct. The slightly more mundane answer is that they all died this week.
Famous Deaths marks them all.
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5 Down.
Sat quietly inside after love's resisted
7 letters, starts with an 'O'...
Come one, come on!!
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As Manic quite rightly points out, it really isn't too late for you to stop the rot. Enough of Pop Idol and Pop Stars already, Pete Waterman needs to be told that he's destroyed the pop industry enough and can now quite happily stop.
So don't buy Girls Aloud, and do not purchase One True Voice. You can do your bit!
Look, even Domokun's upset at Pete Waterman. Pete's taken over the Gopher's hole and doesn't care one jot what Domokun thinks. See him laugh disrespectfully at Domo's request that he vacate the hole. Waterman doesn't. Waterman has no honour.
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Look people, as we've fucking well told you before, we don't know what eats the fucking pipistrelle bat, we don't know who does, and I doubt we ever will. So pack it the bastard-socks-of-Kenny-Rogers in.
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Its flippin freezin down here in sunny old Bournemouth this morning, and a certain Mr. Wild really, really couldn't get out of bed this morning.
Uncharacteristically (as its usually me irritating everyone else by having loads of energy), I was so bastard grumpy I think I uttered the words, "Fuck", "Bollocks" and "Anne Widdecombe's crusty old pants" more than 60 times before I even got to the bedroom door.
So it came as no surprise then later on, arriving at work, I discovered that one of my flatmates had left his mobile phone in my car overnight. What did I do? I sent him a text message telling him it was there.
Spaz.
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This Christmas, get the perfect gift for the one you love.
Support Grand High Poobah Domokun himself, and get a Domokun Plushie from Ebay!
Bananas not included.
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Roast Turkey with Paxo flavoured Walkers? Rock on dudes!!!
For readers in America, they would be 'chips'
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Been feeling a bit over inflated? Do you have a spare tyre around the spare tyre around the spare tyre that is your stomach? Well Chrimbo aint happened yet, so stop drinking and playing darts you fat bastard!
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Satan's evil plan has created jobs for hundreds of thousands of old lecherous pedophiles throughout this Godly country every December. These filthy homeless hobos just lay... Sod it, read it yourself.
But Daddy, Daddy, all I wanted was a Barry Potter wand to play with - not some nonce sticking his dink in my winky!
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I hope you've been recapping on your Berlitz language courses, for no other reason than to have a go at this foreign curling game.
Actually, you don't need to use any languages, because it's all pretty self explanatory
Go on, curl one off during lunch break.
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Oxymoron of the day: Monosyllabically
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A Panda walks into a bar, eats all of the peanuts in the bowls, pulls out a gun, shoots the barmaid and walks out. The landlord runs after him shouting "Hey! What did you do that for?". The Panda turns around and says "Its all in the dictionary.", before leaving.
The landlord looks in his dictionary.
Panda. n.
Black and white. Eats shoots and leaves
I'm really very sorry
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We receive a lot of random visitors from Google. It sometimes throws up wildy inaccurate results, and quite often FJ is one of them. Quite what these people think they're going to get here is a mystery, but it keeps us highly amused anyway.
So here's an update of some of the wierdest recently:
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Because I don't think the web has enough hyperlinked stories yet (and damn it waitress, I believe I ordered the LARGE web), here's a nice trail of links for you to follow, before you get stuck into any serious work (yea right. I know for a fact that none of you work. Never have done, never will. You'll never amount to anything you great big fat slob. I bet your mummy still wipes the boogers from your ickle nosey-wosey doesn't she? You make me sick).
ahem. As I was saying, start here at Blogjam and read all about a man and his video player. Then clicky through to Anja's discovery of man-porn on a work machine. Then, just because you're in the mood for reading by this point, go read about ScaryDuck's childhood, for no other reason than the fact that its funny.
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Okay, so the title's odd and it doesn't make any sense in context, but other than that I can assure you that this here article will be no more boring than the Financial Times. Oh, hang on...
So yeah, you might have noticed the lack of Tazness over the last few days... or not, which is more likely. On friday afternoon, after finishing off a couple of pints, I decided to go for a flying visit to various people in somewhere Daaan Saaaaf! And with the car being fucked, I figured that a relaxing train journey would be the way forward.
Forward was definitely NOT the operative word.
Trains are so very shit.
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Congratulations to über-footballer David Beckham on being one of the most searched for people on the entire planet.
Despite playing for a godawful football team, King David has managed to keep the rumours involving him, a cheap hotel in Hounslow; a truckload of out of date Polish lubricant; a bath full of Jelly (peach flavoured) and a certain seductive Japanese icon beginning with 'D' and ending with 'Omokun' away from the prying eyes of the British press.
Instead, he's the Most Searched for Athlete worldwide at Google, as well as being in the top 2 most searched for men in the UK and Japan.
And as for Domokun? Well, he's nowhere to be seen internationally, but at least he gets to star in his own game: Domokun Angry Smashfest!
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Jesus Dress Up, Christmas Edition! Hang a stocking on Jesus' knob, and see what treats get left inside. I'll probably burn in hell for this. Oh well.
Cheers Lottie
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A sneak peek at our new design.
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You better watch out / You better not cry / Better not pout
I'm telling you why / Santa Claus is going to go Daaan.
That's DOWN in a mock east london accent.
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Christina Aguilera has always been a bit of an odd one. We all know she wears some funny outfits, but finally the truth of her glam-metal roots has been uncovered...
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In my office there's far too much fecal gas wafting around. Worst of all is that it can mostly be pinned down to 2 very windy suspects out of a room of 6 people.
God knows what they eat, but I suspect their daily diet consists of fishheads (flyblown and decomposed), small unfortunate mammals (eg stoats or shrews) and truckfulls of last years spoiled harvest of turnips that the pigs won't touch from Farmer Brown down the road.
Hmmm, I'm thinking I need to purchase them one of these each, or at the very least, a couple of bottles of this for Chrimbo.
Cheers Milk and Cookies - I'm thinking you may have just saved me critical nose lining surgery for the day after the staff Christmas party.
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"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart / But the very next day, you gave it away / This year, to save me from tears..."
I'm going to give you a soap cast of my nob/punani for you to wash your hands with.
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IT'S FRIDAY!!!  |
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I'm usually predisposed towards Moon Lander type games like I'm predisposed to flushing my fecal matter away when I'm finished with it, but Monkey Lander ain't half bad actually, most of all cos its got a monkey in it, and I like monkeys nearly as much as I like ninjas.
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You'll be trying to get these out of your head for ages... The 12 days of christmas, and Jingle Bells. What's a little bit of gas between friends?
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I won't bother trying to explain this game, just go and play it. Just read the instructions first.
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Well here's me thinking that a bar stool is either something you sit on while you pointlessly try to chat up the lass behind the counter, or something you make (hopefully not while you pointlessly try to chat up the lass behind the counter)... think about it.
Apparently not.
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Pah, so Reg thinks those two games give him even the slightest chance of a winning nomination this week does he?
Well he hasn't reckoned with this absolute gem, RC Rally is a remake of that most excellent of all old Nintendo Games, RC Pro Am by Rare.
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Fly your spaceship round shooting rocks. Sound familiar? It should do! It's a nice little Asteroids update.
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Kicking off bright and early today with a lovely little version of Bomberman. Massively confusing, but hey, that's what you need to kick off such a dreary friday.
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You know the phrase "The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing"? Yeah well, it applies to your brain.
Speaking of which... do you know your arse from your elbow? No, didn't think so.
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Everyone knows that the extended time I sit behind my keyboard has reduced my handwriting skills to less than zero. So how am I going to get Santa to read my unintelligably scrawled letter requesting outrageous gifts? Simple. Use the automatic Santa letter writer. And what if he still doesn't get me what I want? Well, I'll toy with him and throw him down ski slopes in an impossibly difficult game. HINT: Hold the space down
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He's Bad, he's mad, he looks like a fungus infested cheese string - it's GUMBY! Climb into my Mac LCII and make beautiful music...
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Remeber, if you want to delete nearly 500 of Tony Blair's E-Mails and get a free slap-up meal in London thrown into the bargain, then you've only got 1 hour left to bid for it...
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You know, its just occurred to me that my towels are completely shit. I mean, how boring can a dewetifier (yes that is a word, because I just made it up and my words are law) be? You've got your blow driers... always hilarious. Your rude Jerry Maguire stylie "I air dry!"... which is something that the lasses really ought to do more often. But TOWELS??? What's the point? So dull.
Why not try Towel Sculptures.
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Crazy Frazer over at Pubfight has been busy, tarting the site up recently. Check it out if you haven't been for a while.
There are some important fights that need resolving on the behalf of us all here at FJ. Please vote for Mr D.Hasselhoff, and Mr D.Omukun. Thank you.
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To keep up with the festive feel today (yes, there is one, check out the 'festive' logo in the top left), here are some xmas certainties for you.
You know that E.T. will be on TV at some point, the dog will mess up the christmas tree, and those pesky elves will be trying to take over the subconscious of intelligent monkeys around the world.
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It's a game! And it's not friday! It must be nearly christmas! Either that, or it's just too bad to use as a Friday Game™. Let's face it, it's just Pac-man with a santa hat on...
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We really, really love ninjas here at FJ. Quite apart from being the ultimate power in the universe (alongside wombats), they're also surprisingly good-looking and extremely tasty.
Of course, part of the ninja mystique is the shroud of dark secrecy veiled around us and our methods. I would tell you about our techniques, but hearing them first hand from a real ninja such as myself makes your head explode, so powerful are we.
I'll spare your lives this time by pointing you to the second best source of ninja info - Enter The Ninja, where you can safely read all about our poisons and killing touches.
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As a small child, I would religiously send a carefully handwritten letter to Father Christmas every year, detailing how good a boy I had been, how I had not beaten up my little brother (much) that year, how I'd not bitten anyone at school (well, not drawn blood anyway).
I'd then, after many hours of study and deliberation, write down 4 or 5 presents I'd most like to receive in the whole wide world.
Then I'd write his address on the envelope and ask my parents to post it.
I always wondered whether or not Santa got my letters, cos nothing I ever fucking well got was on my bastard letters. No.
No, I got bastard socks.
Well, now I can see whether it was him ignoring my letters or just the Royal Mail consistently losing my mail en route, cos David has sent his letter via FedEx this year, and availed himself of their tracking technology.
Cheers Bloggerheads
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More stupid wallpaper... not sure why the powers that be have chosen to name it "Station" though.
Wild?
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Unbeknown to you, we've had our first Potato Chop email desktop fight, resulting in our very festive Chrimbo Wallpaper.
And Taz did one on his own too
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I got a drum kit last christmas. I played it everyday. I played it so loud that the neighbours moved out. I played it so long that my hair went grey. I played it until my girlfriend broke the drumsticks.
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Hi, I'm Chester Gaylord,
I have an appointment...
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It might be a busy day today, due to my shameless plug we've managed to get covered on MSNBC's Weblog Central. Its not just a simple link either, also commented upon is our irresponsible hoax at the height of the Beckhamgate affair.
Its true, there's an important lesson out there for everyone - never trust what you're reading wholeheartedly. There are some evil blackguards out there (I yearn to be one).
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So you haven't got enough money to buy a copy of potatoshop, eh? What are you, some kind of scavenging leach of society? How do you think you're ever going to edit that mole out of your photofit?
Oh, right.
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Sticking with the doll theme, for no reason other than it provides some purpose to a link... we've found the ultimate in ridiculous concepts.
If anyone can explain to me the reason why anybody would bother to create a Mark Owen dress-up doll, please... don't waste your time. I mean, really... What the fuck is that all about???
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The photographs of your weekend have come back from the developers. I find it quite disturbing that you spend all of your spare time dressed up as a living doll. Sir Cliff Richard would be proud of you. Or, actually, is that Sir Cliff on the left...
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Now you need never lose an argument in the pub over whose round it is again! The Advanced Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide will take you through everything there is to know about cloaking techniques, basic psychology and all you need to know about the Barlow Effect.
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I'm going to try and weave all the bits and bobs that I haven't posted yet into a little story, so this post doesn't look as though it's just a bunch of unrelated nonsense.
Your weekend: (not necessarily in the right order)
1) Go home and put on some clean pants.
2) Go and drink some beer.
3) Go to your local 'nite-spot' and dance like a superhero.
4) Realise that you're not going to pull, and have a fag instead.
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Cue red-neck music
Take your tractor by the hand...
Woo-ee boy!
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I was thinking about beer, as one does on a friday afternoon, and I discovered a few beer related sites that can provied whole minutes' worth of entertainment. Take Kronenbourg for example, due to their french heritage, you can decapitate plenty of annoying celebs with a sharp guillotine. Jamie Oliver - watch your back.
Then, travelling northwards (geographically, not internet-ally), those big bottle lovers at Grolsch have laid out a whole buffet of treats in a mixture of shapes and sizes. Make tunes by blowing on bottles, go fishing, etc etc. Find some of your own games.
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We all love a nice warm pussy here at FJ (not the same one at the same time - obviously). It's a shame to see that so many are being left out in the cold this winter. Help the cause, and make sure that at least some pussy gets wrapped up all nice and snuggly.
Once again, there's a weak supplementary link that's vaguely connected... check out some of these potentially heart warming sculptures. Well, they would be, if you put them next to your chest.
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I love these cartoons.
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Hi! Been busy down the pub, hence the delay in my entry for the Friday game. Take control of Santa, after he's had a few too many sherries and mince pies!
And while we are on the christmas theme, send a loved one a Kinky Christmas card. Or just have fun making one, and send it to yourself.
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Glenn Hoddle likes sex. Its says so on his site. It must be true.
Cheers B3ta.
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Just in the nick of time for a raucous beer-fileed friday night, everything you ever needed to know about curry.
This week's special selected recipe is: Jelly Botty Mutton Vindaloo.
And What happens when you eat it.
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There's nothing better on a Friday afternoon than a couple of ridiculous blokes filming themselves to J-Pop.
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More 3D racing fun this time, in the guise of an F-Zero or Wipeout stylee futuristic track racer.
Hyperjet Racing lets you choose from several different pod racers, and lets you alter their dynamics to enable you to accelerate better, or reach a higher tops speed etc.
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Ah, another in the seemingly endless supply of Fridays. You know what that means? It means you're legally allowed to kick-back, do no work and play my nomination for today's Funjunkie Friday Game.
ZipZaps is a remote control car racing game, where you first have to collect credits to spend in the garage to upgrade your car, before then unleashing your bad bwai onto the streets to race other RC cars. Good 3D shockwave fun.
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This is how geeks wash dishes. The rest of us just avoid it.
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In the US they've had mail-order DVD services for some time now, but in the UK, to rent DVDs we've had to fall back on Blockbuster and its rivals, with their high prices (£3.50) and small rental periods (1 night typically).
Well, there's a new service thats looking to change all that and it looks great. DVDsOnTap lets you rent as many DVDs as you like in a monthly period, for as long as you like, and provides you with pre-paid envelopes in which to return the DVDs you rent! All for a tenner a month, which is not even 3 DVDs from Blockbuster.
This should mean the end of all those £10 charges for me not returning my DVDs until days after they should be back. Grrr.
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Its time to get medieval on his ass!
The saga of Tony Blair and his non-existant e-mail address continues today as Manic over at Bloggerheads nudges the pressure gauge up by another notch.
As detailed over on the "Tony Blair's E-Mails" page, the great unwashed are now being given the opportunity to publicly bid to be the one who gets to personally delete over 500 (8Mb worth) of e-mails that have been sent in good faith to the Prime Minister.
It could have been prevented if only the PM had kept his promises during the last 18 months, but now people's dreams are being held to ransom.
Winner also gets a slap-up meal in London on the house and tons of publicity, prob in the news etc.
At time of writing, the bid is sitting at £20 and all proceeds go to charity.
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Finally remembered about the new wallpaper I made for you all. This time its our very own Domokun taking to the roads on a new adventure. With all the sponsorship deals he's had over the past year or so, Domo was able to buy himself a sporty little number.
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Looking for a long, stupid download to do while you're away at lunch? How about the secret lives of Bad Boy designers? Fits the bill admirably.
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Oh great, now its really bad! The shit just hit the fan.
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It turns out that Ikea haven't had a mystery bomber at all. They have simply been dropping their new products into dark corners by accident, and creating their own scare!
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Feeling peckish? Not had had breakfast yet? Then how about some tasty, tender fried Golden Retriever puppy?
No? Hmm, my neither, far too rich for this time of the day. How about some delicious Kitten on toast? Much lighter than puppy and only 135 calories per serving.
Oh. You're not hungry? Well, you could always order it live and save it for later then...
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"Mr Monkey loves cooking! And cooking is a great way to learn English!"
Strange, because I thought that cooking was a great way to make meals. Still, it must be worth looking into. Let's see what Mr Monkey has to say about making chocolate bananas.- Cut the banana
- Put the chocolate into the banana
- get bored...
Legendary stuff.
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I may have been quiet for most of the day, but its all in a good cause. I'm currently trying to figure out why some people are actually allowed to live. Despite being a pacifist, I truly believe that it should be my duty as a citizen to remove certain members of society from the gene pool. It would be like an enforceable version of the Darwin Awards.
I'm terribly sorry, but you're far too stupid to be allowed to carry on living... have you any last words? No, I thought not.
*bang*
I feel that I may need my Get Out of Jail Free Card though...
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No, they're not. Oh my God, they are. How can they? And why for god's sake, WHY?
The Great Guinea Pig Poo Trail - A collaborative effort by many Guinea Pig owners, to 'cross' the distance between the East and West Coasts of the USA by adding up the total distance obtained by all of their pigs' faeces.
At 3/4 of an inch long and with 184,665,663 of them so far, I think they're currently somewhere in Montana, although they plan to reach Seattle in March 2004, so only another 68,774,317 more to go then.
The worrying bit is this:
"Each poo will then be levitated high into the sky by nuclear power and it will start at the most eastern point of the US and head for the ocean on the west coast. A marker poo will be laid every mile. This poo will be stamped with the number of miles covered. Each poo will have an arrow pointing to the nearest emergency telephone."
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A whole bunk of Hot Chicks! Wouldn't it be great if they like, *huh*, started kissing!
Wouldn't it be great if you could like, *huh*, wee in the gutter without no-one noticing...
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"The Scottish Ministers may by order amend subsection (1) of section 57 or paragraph (a) or (b) of subsection (2) of section 58 so as to substitute for the number of years for the time being mentioned in the provision in question such other number of years (not being a number which exceeds that being mentioned in the provision as originally enacted) as may be specified in the order."
Fantastic stuff, and winner of one of this year's Golden Bull Awards (page not yet updated) - awarded to people or companies who just aren't making any sense at all (one should be awarded to the garage mechanic from yesterday).
Other glittering acts of nonsensicalisticism include Richard Gere's:
"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe."
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Well, its that time of year again, time for The Bloggies awards, the weblog equivalent of the oscars.
The nomination page is up and ready to yield to your nominations for your favourite weblogs.
Well, it would be if the nomination page actually contained a valid form tag that enabled you to submit your nominations. Unfortunately it doesn't, something you only discover after the 20 or so minutes it takes you to fill in the form after you've collected all your nominations from your bookmarks etc.
UPDATE by Wild: The awards don't actually start till January 1st, but someone had found the page used for testing and linked to it. Seems to me that the testing should have used an alternative naming system, didn't take a genius to find it seeing as it was named 2003 when last year's was named 2002.
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A simple word of advice. Robots talk utter crap.
Reggio: Hello there speechbot!
Speechbot: hello when can we not talk longer?
Reggio: We can talk longer now if you want.
Speechbot: how are you?
Reggio: Fine thank you, yourself?
Speechbot: cheese.
Reggio: cheese?
Speechbot: blow the whole joint up.
If you fancy talking to a robot, remember to treat them like a drunk person that you have to be polite to. Your father/mother in-law at christmas perhaps.
And while you're over at Mantasoft, have a go on Pastaroids.
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You'd be forgiven for thinking it's Friday, here comes another game! You'll need a friend (lets face it, a 'work colleague' will have to do), for a few rounds of Space Sumo.
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What do Eminem, Bob Marley, Take That, Kiss and Elvis (in that order) have in common?
No.
Nope. Try again.
I'll give you a clue: There's a gig in town, and they're giving out freebies. Just mind out for the King himself, he's doing a bit of crowd surfing.
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Here in good old Blighty, it's lottery day. And for people who can't decide on which numbers to lose their money on tonight, why not try the rather bizarre Clucky Number generator from the National Lottery.
Cheers to Xavier.
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"And so as his horse reared up and wheeled round, Beckham's rumour gave a cheery wave and a cry of "Yeee-HA!" to the sleepy inhabitants of blogtown and rode his magnificent steed off into the sunset, never to be seen again..."
Well, it looks as if we're finally seeing the end of the Beckham rumour traffic - people have finally gotten the gist that there is no truth to the rumour and the normal referrers are clawing back.
What's left behind as that particular bandwagon rolls off is a lot of very swollen logfiles for sites such as BlogJam, SwishCottage, Bloggerheads, and of course, PopBitch.
For our part, we've served over 5000 more individual pages over the last 3 days than usual. Thats on top of the normal traffic from our more regular readers.
I'm off to go and fan the server...
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Now, it's well known that I'm not one for fighting. Just ask Wild. He'll give you a couple of stories about me getting my head kicked in (1. In his local village pub, 2. In his local school pub... etc). So I've decided that instead of fighting, let's make peace.
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Today I wandered down to a local garage to book my car in for an MOT certificate. I got there and found a single bloke there who stumbled over to me. He was of middle to late age, gaunt and weathered, a bit like Curly from City Slickers.
"Hello," I said, "I'd like to book my car in for an MOT please."
"mufflehuffmuu muh ner ning hufermuff?" he asked.
"I'm sorry my dear fellow." I replied, "I don't quite follow you..."
He took his cigarette out of his mouth, "muh ning te muffle hur buh nufferinton?"
"No, I do apologise, but I'm really not getting it."
He looked at me as if to ask if I really was the moron I obviously looked like.
"mu mowpah luf muffing loof mah ningta." He said, slowly and carefully, as if describing the theory behind quantum mechanics to a baby.
"Ah. I'm afraid I can't understand a word you're saying."
He stared blankly at me and shrugged his shoulders.
I left.
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Skimming through the stats like any good weblogger does religiously: amongst the 1097 of you that arrived here last night alone looking for untrue gossip about the David Beckham Rumour or the visual delight that is the Cow Matrix, I finally managed to spot a gem amongst the referrers. Something that restored my faith in our readership. Something that tells me that we're getting through to the quality trash reader and fills my heart with gleaming pride for this armpit of the internet that we call Funjunkie.
Jeremy Beadle Deformed Hand Photo
Just for that reader, here's one that we managed to find:
Jeremy Beadle illegally littering, yesterday
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This one will really get on your tits. A completely impossible-to-control Formula 1 Car that falls to pieces with only the slightest brush against any object... stunningly accurate really!
Apparently you're supposed to do donuts around a bunch of roundabouts, but it all degenerated into a game of "How many wheels can you lose". No surprises there.
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Finland Fun again. This time in the form of a strange ski jump game. I'll let you in on the keys now, because you'll have trouble. Hold down combinations of arrow keys before and during a jump. Hold down the space bar to get ready and let go to jump.
Needless to say, it takes some practice!
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This game is weak, but it does go to prove that Michael Jackson is a baby throwing freak!
Alledgedly.
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Well, the thought of people using RealDolls was creepy enough. But now along comes a more disturbing thought, RealHamsters are: "Realistic, lifesize and beautiful. Elastic flesh, luxurious fur, a cybernetic infrastructure and sexy features like no other buggering hamster in the world." Happily, the site is a fake, but that won't stop the nightmares..
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A phrase has cropped up recently which my friends and I seem to be using far too much. Its a strange one, and the origins are virtually unknown. It occurred to me today that this phrase would make a great essay question in the ridiculous A Level (do they still have those?) subject of General Studies.
Whoever thought up this pointless subject was blatantly a fucking moron.
Funjunkie Legal Department: Are we allowed to say that?
Its true, so yes!
Q 3.1(a) Arse Twigs
Discuss
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After an unfortunate attack by a rabid magnet, Magnetboy was left for dead: cold, tattered and bleeding.
Luckily, he survived, and as the days went by he grew stronger and stronger until he finally realised his life had changed forever. He had absorbed some of the evil magnet's special powers!
Magnetboy went back to the evil magnet and defeated it in an epic battle using his newfound abilities and went on to save the world.
The end? Not quite.....
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So I learned something over the weekend...
Surprise visits to friends are even more surprising when, after driving for 2 hours through the rain and fog, you get to their house, only to discover that they're actually in the city you left that morning.
Laugh?
I nearly did.
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On Friday I posted my nomination for the Funjunkie Friday Game of the week - Motocross.
Well, those of you who enjoyed it (even though it was quite hard its also quite rewarding) will be overjoyed to learn that there are a few other tracks you can use as well! Beware though, the one posted on Friday was just the training course. They get much harder....
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By eck. Just like Blogjam reported, we've seen a substantial increase in traffic here all related to the David Beckham, Victoria "Posh" Beckham, Popbitch and Michael Owen's sister rumours. Just this weekend over 1300 of you arrived here after searching Google for David Beckham related criteria (eg Popbitch Beckham).
Oooh, you're all a load of gossipy stickybeaks.
What I find amazing is that with all the gossip banging around about David and his completely non-existant affair with Michael Owen's sister (Funjunkie Legal Department - I think you can get away with that one) - no one has noticed David playing away from home with our very own Domokun! Look I have photographic evidence!
I feel sick to the core. Its just not right.
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DeathGob
