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Over the last few years we've seen a few additions to the Funjunkie team, and now we've got another FJ baby to make silly noises at.
So congratulations to Reg and Karen, and welcome to our planet Kitty Beatrix. You might have arrived a little later than scheduled, but we hope you'll appreciate the work we've been doing around here... we've painted the skirting boards especially for you.
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If you’re one of those strange people that has friends*, you may be pleased to hear that now there’s a festive game you can play with them. If, on the other hand, you’re like all of us here at FJ Towers and dislike most other people**, you can play it in one player mode too, you no-mates.
*They’re a bit like enemies, but give you biscuits before smashing you in the face
**Especially you, Taz
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Here at Funjunkie Towers we're a simple bunch... and being simple as we are, we like the simple things in life. Things like baked beans on toast, a pint of beer in a pub, a glowing fire on a winter's night, the smell of a pine forest, and of course making polar bears ascend a giant cavern by jumping on descending ice cubes and the odd aeroplane.
I can't think of a better way of spending a Tuesday afternoon.
Play Polar Peril or you might catch rabies... FACT!
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Only a week left before the kids get their grubby little mits on the pile of prezzies that's currently collecting pine needles and dust, over there in the corner. Just think of the look on their faces when they tear off the wrapping paper to reveal yet another piece of coal... priceless!
It's not all fun and games though. For the past month or so, children up and down the country have had the shit scared out of them by some fat bloke in a beard.
There's a reason why Santa is an anagram of Satan you know.
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Would somebody tell me what happened to the plan I made 3 months ago? The plan I make every year... The plan we all make every year...
The plan I'm writing about is that of completing all christmas shopping before December. The plan for a relaxing month in the run up to the single most stressful time of the year. The plan that always... always fails!
I was reminded of this, if the constant nailbiting panic wasn't reminder enough, in spectacular fashion this weekend whilst listening to the Adam and Joe show, specifically Joe's song: All Night Garage.
For those of you who're still breaking out in a sweat every time you look at the calendar, you've got until tomorrow to get your orders in to Deathgob, or you might want to check Late Late Gifts to point ambiguously in the direction of other buggers willing to bail you out.
For the rest of you smug bastards, you can sit back and relax with a game.
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‘Tis the season to be jolly, fah-la-la-la-laaa etc etc, but this next game’s not very festive. There’s no sleigh racing involved. No snowball fights. Not even a crazed elf machete rampage. It’s got none of them. In fact, on the face of it, it’s a pretty dull game. There’s not even a sprig of holly in the corner. But play it for a few minutes, and you’ll be thanking me for such a great Christmas present.
Now what did you get me in return, eh?
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I was planning to post this a lot earlier, but I had to have a little lie down after the 'foreign object in ear incident'.
I was asked this morning by my other half the dreaded seasonal question 'what do you want for christmas'. After uttering the usual world peace and food for all answer I decide on have a look around the internet, because I'm in need of some inspiration just so I don't end up with another random 'Euphoria Wank Classics' cd.
So ths is what is on my xmas list this year:
Car
Sound System
Clothes
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Funny art, recycling, video; it’s not what you’d normally expect here on FJ. If you want games, then don’t click on this. But as they say*, a change is as good as a rest. Or was it a rest is as good as a change? Or was it in fact something to do with pancakes? Hmmm, pancakes.
*I have no idea who “they” are, but I don’t trust ‘em, no siree!
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This morning we had a bit of an accident in FJ Towers. I was kindly delivering teas to all the workers in the dungeon, when I spilt a bit on the floor. Taz slipped on the spillage, and grabbed on to Silly Boy, who knocked the activation switch on the Smallerizatronic ray, which blasted Badger right in the face. Silly Boy then pooped his pants, and the resulting fart sent the now tiny Badger flying up into the air. He landed in Becca G’s ear and went sailing down into her head.
Unusually for Badger, he had his wits about him, and he whipped out his cameraphone and recorded this video of his fantastic journey. He then called the fire brigade and they came with ladders to pull him out again. It was all a bit messy, but everyone’s back to the right size now. I’ve popped the kettle back on to make us all a nice restorative cup of char. Let’s hope none gets spilled this time.
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If falling from great heights and being chased by giant spiders isn’t you thing, then look away now. However, if that is your bag, baby, then you might like fancy pants.
You might also consider getting some counseling. It sounds as if you might need it. I mean, come on! Giant spiders? They don’t exist! They must be in your head, you freak*. And what makes you think they’re chasing you? They might just be trying to be friendly. OK, they’ve got lots of legs and eyes, but everyone deserves a chance, right? You’re not so pretty yourself! Have you looked in a mirror recently? Hello? Come back! I was trying to be nice.
*Funjunkie: welcoming freaks since… whenever it was we started
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Blistering barnacles! Would you believe it? It was only yesterday when I unveiled the magnificence of 3D logic, and lo and behold, there’s already a sequel! It’s snappily entitled 3D logic 2, and it’s just like the first game, but set in a woodland glade!
Well, I can tell you. Had I been sitting down, I would have fallen off my chair. Unfortunately, I was already face down on the floor due to an incident with a wombat on rollerskates and a large pot of marmalade. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say I had some explaining to do when the milkman found me in a thoroughly compromising position this morning.
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Back in the 1980s, a craze swept planet Earth. The Rubik’s cube reigned supreme and befuddled the minds of millions of people. Ever since then, here at FJ Towers we’ve been trying to think up a similar plan of world domination. If only there was a way to get a brightly coloured cube to distract enough people long enough so we could get our devious plans in place.
We’re not sure it’s quite ready to unleash yet, but we’re going to test our latest model on you the unsuspecting FJ reader. It’s better than a Rubik’s Cube, and there’s no way of peeling the stickers off.
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Here at Funjunkie Towers, we like frustrating games.
No wait, that's not right is it. Here we go again... not only have I lost the ability to write, but I've also forgotten the very Fundamentals of FunjunkieTM.
We like difficult ga... no.
We like games with ridiculous control sets... nope, hang on. Bear with me a moment, I'll get this.
Oh fuck it. We like games, okay? And in true Blue Peter style, here's one somebody else prepared earlier: We like to call it Twang, because that's its name.
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Play this game right, and you’ll witness amazing displays of dancing lions and have superheroes flying across your screen. Play it badly, and you’ll have farmers hit by lightning being frazzled to a crisp.
I’d call that a win-win situation.
You can call it what you want, but it’s name is Light Sprites, and it’s really rather good.
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Frustration is the name of the game in this new... oh wait, no, that's not right. Warbears is the name of the game in this new, third installment of the fantastic Warbears ga...
Oh this doesn't look right now does it. I can't use the word "Warbears" twice in a sentence now can I? And look at that! I was about to write "game" again. This is just bad practice. Have I lost the ability to write? It's the lack of practice you see. I've spent the last 6 months in the Jungle trying to find my socks, and now I've finally got back to the UK only to discover that I've forgotten how to use a computer. It's a whole new learning curve, let me tell you.
Look, why don't you just play this while I get myself sorted. It'll only take you a minute or two...
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According to one of the finest action films of all time, (yes, you guessed it, Army of One starring Dolph Lundgren) sometimes one man is all it takes.
Remember these fine and rousing words when times get tough in Strategy Defense. And they will get tough. But if Dolph can do it, you can too. Jump to it soldier!
No really. Great film. The game's good too.
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A long time ago (February) in a galaxy far far away (FJ Towers), I advised you, as you attorney, to play Knytt. Of course, all I got in return was ridicule, because it was far too advanced and subtle for your tiny little brains. The only one who spotted its potential was Pixelhugger, who then went on to spoil things by saying there could be a bit more action.
Well now there is. Knytt has evolved into the episodic* Knytt Stories. There’s more skillz to use, and… stuff. If you don’t like it this time, then I don’t like you. Then again, some things never change.
*heh, sodic
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Cowboy laws
Descendants of the pioneers who died fighting the native Americans are suing the Apache and Sioux tribes. "Every day when we comb our hair, we are reminded of the trauma suffered by those who underwent scalping" said their spokesperson.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
- Tommy Cooper |
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| Men: Spilling my children on my belly |
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DeathGob
